WEAKLY COLLUM # 0032
FOR MONDAY 07/03/2000
DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.
HURRAY! HE'S GONE. HE'S FINALLY GONE. THAT STUPID CUBAN ELIAN GONZALEZ KID. THEY DEPORTED HIS SORRY ASS BACK TO CASTRO LAND WHERE HE BELONGS. I GUESS HE BELONGS THERE. ACTUALLY I HAVE NO IDEA WHETHER HE SHOULD HAVE STAYED HERE OR WENT BACK TO CUBA. THAT IS A VERY DIFFICULT PROBLEM TO DEAL WITH. BUT HE CAUSED US ENOUGH PROBLEMS HERE SO MAYBE IT WAS BEST THAT JANET RENO KICKED HIM OUT OF OUR COUNTRY. I'M SURE IF SHE HAD HER WAY, THAT LITTLE KID WOULD BE SWIMMING BACK TO CUBA.
YOU KNOW HE'S ONLY BEEN GONE FOR A FEW DAYS AND I MISS HIM ALREADY. I WISH HE WAS GONE SIX MONTHS AGO SO THAT I WOULDN'T BE MISSING HIM NOW. GOOD RIDDENS! NOW AMERICANS CAN GET BACK TO THEIR PITIFUL, BORING LIVES.
IN OTHER NEWS, ABC HAS ANNOUNCED MAJOR CHANGES IN PERSONEL FOR ITS MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL PROGRAMMING. BOOMER ESIASON HAD THE BOOM DROPPED ON HIM. HE'S OUTTA THERE. THEY BROUGHT IN TWO NEW ANNOUNCERS TO COMPLIMENT AL MICHAELS. ("HEY AL - NICE SUIT!", "I LIKE YOUR TIE.", ETC). STAR QUARTERBACK, DAN FOUTS WILL BE ONE OF THOSE JOINING AL MICHAELS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL.
INTELLIGENT SOUNDING COMEDIAN DENNIS MILLER WILL BE THE OTHER ANNOUNCER. THAT IS GREAT. HAVING A NATURAL COMEDIAN WILL SPICE THINGS UP SOMEWHAT - ESPECIALLY IN A LOPSIDED GAME. IT IS RATHER AWKWARD SOMETIMES WHEN AN ANNOUNCER TRIES TO BE FUNNY BUT HE DOESN'T HAVE IT IN HIM. MOST ANNOUNCERS THESE DAYS SEEM TO HAVE A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR, BUT I BELIEVE FEW ARE ABLE TO TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL. I THINK DENNIS WILL BE ABLE TO DO IT, HOWEVER.
APPARENTLY ABC MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL HAS BEEN LOSING VIEWERS OVER THE LAST FIVE YEARS. THAT IS BECAUSE THE IDIOTS AT ABC FIRED TWO GREAT ANNOUNCERS DURING THAT TIME. THEY GOT RID OF FRANK GIFFORD BECAUSE HE WAS CHEATING ON HIS WIFE. HE PROBABLY DIDN'T KNOW THAT MARITAL FAITHFULNESS WAS IN HIS JOB DESCRIPTION. AND THEY GOT RID OF DAN DIERDORF FOR WHO KNOWS WHY. THEY SHOT THEMSELVES IN THE FOOT BY GETTING RID OF GIFFORD. SO THEY DECIDE A YEAR OR TWO LATER TO SHOOT THEMSELVES IN THE OTHER FOOT BY GETTING RID OF DIERDORF. CAN ANYBODY SAY DUMBFUCKS?
IT'S TOO BAD THAT THE DUMBFUCKS AT ABC BROKE UP THE TRIO A FEW YEARS BACK. AL, FRANK AND DAN HAD REALLY A GOOD CHEMISTRY TOGETHER. NOT IN A SEXUAL WAY OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. (NOT THAT I KNOW OF OR WOULD WANT TO KNOW OF ANYWAY.) BUT THEY INTERACTED NATURALLY TOGETHER ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL.
MANY MARRIED GUYS THAT WATCH FOOTBALL HAVE SCORED SOME PUSSY ON THE SIDE AND FEEL A COMMON BOND WITH FRANK GIFFORD. HE FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE DEMOGRAPHICS OF THE VIEWERS. IT'S JUST THAT HIS ACTIONS PISSED OFF A LOT OF WOMEN. BUT WHO CARES? THIS IS FOOTBALL. MANY OF THESE WOMEN DON'T EVEN WATCH FOOTBALL. IT'S NOT LIKE HE WOULDN'T BE AS GOOD AN ANNOUNCER AFTER GETTING SOME PUSS PUSS ON THE SIDE.
FRANK GIFFORD WAS PROBABLY LOOKING FOR ANOTHER WOMAN SINCE HE WAS TIRED OF LISTENING TO KATHIE LEE TALK ABOUT THEIR STUPID KIDS ALL THE TIME - ESPECIALLY CODIE. CAN YOU BLAME HIM? I THINK HE IS A SAINT FOR BEING ABLE TO PUT UP WITH KATHIE LEE MOTOR MOUTH GIFFORD. HE DESERVES A LITTLE POONTANG ON THE SIDE FOR THAT HERCULEAN FEAT.
MARV ALBERT, THE FAMOUS BASKETBALL ANNOUNCER, ALSO LOST HIS JOB A FEW YEARS BACK BECAUSE OF THE NEGATIVE PUBLICITY THAT RESULTED FROM BITING A WOMAN'S BACK OR SOMETHING FREAKLY LIKE THAT DURING AN ADULTEROUS AFFAIR OF POONTANG ENJOYMENT. SOME WOMEN LIKE GETTING THEIR BACKS BITTEN DURING SEX. MAYBE MARV JUST MISREAD THE SITUATION AND IT COST HIM HIS JOB AND A LOT OF BAD PUBLICITY. THEY SHOULDN'T BLOW THINGS OUT OF PROPORTION WHEN A FAMOUS GUY GETS A LITTLE PUSSY ON THE SIDE. THEY NEED IT TOO, JUST LIKE THE REST OF US SMUCKS.
ALONG WITH ALL OF THESE CHANGES ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL, LESLIE VISSER IS NO LONGER DOING SIDELINE REPORTS. I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS VOLUNTARY ON HER PART SINCE I AM NOT OMNISCIENT AND SHE DIDN'T CALL ME TO TELL ME WHAT'S UP. I WISH SHE WOULD CALL ME. I GET REAL HORNY FOR HER. I LIKE TO SEE PRETTY WOMEN DURING FOOTBALL GAMES. I LIKE WATCHING THE CHEERLEADERS TOO, BUT SOMETIMES I WANT A WOMAN AROUND WITH A BRAIN. IN FACT, I WOULD LIKE ONE OF THESE NETWORKS TO GO OUT ON A LIMB AND BRING IN A WOMAN TO BE ONE OF THE ANNOUNCERS. THERE ARE SOME VERY QUALIFIED WOMEN OUT THERE, BUT THEY ARE MAINLY DOING WOMEN'S COLLEGE BASKETBALL GAMES. (OOPS! I THINK I JUST REVEALED THAT I SOMETIMES WATCH WOMEN'S BASKETBALL - I FEEL REAL VULNERABLE HERE.) BUT I DON'T THINK THESE NETWORK DUDES HAVE THE BRAINS OR THE BALLS TO DO IT.
THEY REPLACED LESLIE VISSER WITH A FAR YOUNGER WOMAN, MELISSA STARK. THAT IS WRONG. VERY WRONG. I FIRMLY BELIEVE IN HAVING GOOD LOOKING WOMEN DOING REPORTING AND BROADCASTING AND STUFF LIKE THAT. WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS ACTION IS THAT LESLIE VISSER IS BETTER LOOKING THAN THIS NEW BROAD EVEN WITH HER TWENTY YEARS OF SENIORITY ON THIS EARTH. (FUCKIN BEING TWENTY YEARS OLDER FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO CAN'T UNDERSTAND FANCY LITERARY WRITING.)
IF YOU ARE GONNA REPLACE AN INTELLIGENT VETERAN REPORTER WITH SOMEONE YOUNGER AND MORE ATTRACTIVE, THEN YOU SHOULD MAKE SURE THAT HER REPLACEMENT IS ACTUALLY MORE ATTRACTIVE. DOESN'T THAT MAKE SENSE? IF THEY WERE GONNA IMPLEMENT THIS STRATEGY SUCCESSFULLY, THEN THEY SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN BRITNEY SPEARS OR JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT OR SOMEONE LIKE THAT. OF COURSE THAT IS NOT GOOD FOR THE GAME OF FOOTBALL SINCE BRITNEY SPEARS PROBABLY DOESN'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT FOOTBALL AND JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT IS TOO MUCH OF A DINGBAT TO BE ABLE TO PUT TWO COMPLETE SENTENCES TOGETHER WITHOUT GIGGLING AND SAYING SOMETHING RETARDED. BUT THAT'S ALL RIGHT. I WOULD STILL WATCH. LINKS RELATED TO THIS WEEK'S WEAKLY COLLUM.
ABC MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL OFFICIAL WEB SITE — GO THERE IF YOU ARE READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL.
THE DENNIS MILLER SHOW ON HBO — OFFICIAL WEBSITE OF THE DENNIS MILLER SHOW.
COPYRIGHT © 2000 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED