WEAKLY COLLUM # 0058
FOR MONDAY 01/01/2001
COPYRIGHT © 2001 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
WEAKLY COLLUM # 0058
FOR MONDAY 01/01/2001
DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.
WELCOME TO THE FUCKIN THIRD MILLENNIUM. BY THE TIME YOU READ THIS, I WILL HAVE BEEN ASSIMILATED. ACCORDING TO MORE THAN A FEW RELIGIOUS DUMBFUCKS, GOD AND HEAVEN ARE GONNA MANIFEST THEMSELVES ON EARTH AT THIS TIME. I AM AN ATHEIST, AND NON BELIEVING DIRTY HEATHENS LIKE MYSELF WILL BE VAPORIZED INTO THE CHRISTIAN ABYSS OF BLIND DEVOTION AND IRRATIONALITY THAT CHRISTIANS CALL FAITH. THAT'S GONNA SUCK FOR SURE.
OR WORSE, I MIGHT BE WIPED OUT BY SOME Y2K EVENT THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN LAST YEAR BUT THAT WAS WAITING FOR THE TRUE MILLENNIUM BEFORE IT WOULD REVEAL ITSELF IN ITS MISCHIEVOUS AND DESTRUCTIVE WAYS. TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, LAST YEAR AT THIS TIME I WAS LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TO GO WRONG BECAUSE OF Y2K IN ORDER TO BRING SOME EXCITEMENT INTO MY LIFE AND GIVE ME SOMETHING TO WRITE ABOUT. BUT I DIDN'T GET SHIT. MY LIGHTS DIDN'T EVEN FLICKER ON AND OFF. I GUESS BEING ASSIMILATED BY THE METAPHYSICAL CHRISTIAN FORCES THAT WILL BE HERE SOON WILL BE ENOUGH EXCITEMENT FOR ME FOR A WHILE.
DESPITE NOT BEING A CHRISTIAN, I STILL CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS ALTHOUGH I PUT LESS EFFORT AND EMOTION INTO IT EACH YEAR THAT PASSES. I JUST DON'T CELEBRATE IT FOR RELIGIOUS REASONS. THIS YEAR CHRISTMAS WAS GOOD TO ME THOUGH. IN ADDITION TO GETTING SEVERAL TYE DYE SHIRTS THAT I WANTED, I ALSO GOT A PAIR OF TYE DYE SOCKS. I NEVER EVEN KNEW THAT TYE DYE SOCKS EXISTED. AINT THAT THE SHIT? I HAD A BONER FOR TEN MINUTES AFTER I PUT THOSE SOCKS ON. THREE HOURS LATER, WHEN I WAS ALONE, I WACKED OFF WHILE WEARING MY NEW SOCKS. (I WAS ALSO FANTASIZING ABOUT BRITNEY SPEARS RIDING MY DICK LIKE IT WAS A BUCKING BRONCO.) THAT HELPED MAKE FOR A GREAT CHRISTMAS. THANK YOU SANTA. (AND THANK YOU BRITNEY)
SPEAKING OF SEXUAL EXCITEMENT, I'M GONNA GET SOME TONIGHT - FROM A REAL GIRL. RENEE THE GOOD LAY IS COMING OVER TONIGHT IN ABOUT AN HOUR. SHE IS GONNA FUCK MY BRAINS OUT. SHE'S NOT LIKE MOST GIRLS THAT WILL MAKE YOU PLAY THE DATING RITUAL WITH THEM BEFORE THEY GIVE YOU SOME ASS. YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE HER OUT TO DINNER THREE OR FOUR TIMES AT SOME EXPENSIVE PRETENTIOUS RESTAURANT. SHE GETS RIGHT DOWN TO BUSINESS. I'M COOKING DINNER FOR US ANYWAY BECAUSE I AM SUCH A SWELL GUY. ALSO I AM VERY HUNGRY.
LET ME GET BACK TO CURRENT EVENTS. YOU'VE HEARD OF DESIGNATED DRIVERS - UNLESS YOU ARE AN IGNORANT DUMBFUCK. THESE PEEPLE STAY SOBER WHILE THEIR BUDDIES LIVE IT UP, SO THAT THEY CAN DRIVE EVERYONE HOME. I DEAL WITH THEM A LOT BECAUSE I AM THE DESIGNATED DRINKER. WELL IN BRITAIN (ENGLAND), THEY GOT SOMETHING DIFFERENT - DESIGNATED BIKERS. IF YOU GET DRUNK, BUT YOU DON'T WANT TO LEAVE YOU CAR BEHIND, THEN YOU PAY SOME DUDE TO COME PICK YOU UP AND DRIVE YOU HOME IN YOUR OWN CAR WITH HIS BIKE IN THE TRUNK. NEATO!
I WISH THAT THEY WOULD DO THIS HERE. BUT THIS IDEA IS NOT AS FEASIBLE OVER HERE IN AMERICA BECAUSE WE HAVE SO MANY FUCKIN CRIMINAL LOW LIFES WHICH MAKE BICYCLE RIDING UNSAFE IN AMERICA AT NIGHT. IN EUROPE WHERE THEY ARE MORE CIVILIZED AND HAVE LESS CRIME, THIS IDEA IS MUCH SAFER TO IMPLEMENT. ANOTHER PROBLEM WITH HAVING SOMETHING LIKE THIS IN THE UNITED STATES IS THAT WE HAVE SO MANY GOVERNMENT REGULATIONS WHICH STIFFLE GOOD IDEAS BEFORE THEY CAN BE BROUGHT TO FRUITION IN THE BUSINESS WORLD. TOO BAD SINCE THIS SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA, ESPECIALLY FOR FREQUENT DRINKERS LIKE ME.
IN DINGBAT MODEL NEWS, HEAVILY OVER MAKEUPPED, FAKE LOOKING DINGBAT, ANNA NICOLE SMITH IS UPSET WITH PLAYBOY MAGAZINE BECAUSE THEY ARE PLANNING TO PUBLISH SOME EARLY NUDE PICTURES OF HER IN AN UPCOMING EDITION OF THEIR MAGAZINE. SHE IS SCREAMING MAD OVER THIS SINCE SHE REFUSED TO POSE FOR A NEW PHOTO SPREAD AND THEY ARE USING HER OLD PHOTOS WITHOUT HER APPROVAL. THERE IS NO WORD YET ON WHETHER PART OF HER ANGER IS DUE TO PMS. I'LL LET YOU KNOW AS SOON AS I FIND OUT.
WHEN I READ (OR ACTUALLY NOT READ) PLAYBOY, I WANT TO SEE GOOD LOOKING WOMEN, NOT FAKE LOOKING DINGBATS LIKE ANNA NICOLE SMITH. I WANT TO SEE WOMEN THAT LOOK LIKE WOMEN AND HAVE NATURAL BEAUTY, NOT MODELS THAT CAN GET POSITIVE PUBLICITY BECAUSE THEY KNOW THEIR WAY AROUND THE INDUSTRY AND KNOW HOW TO PROMOTE THEMSELVES WITHIN THOSE PARAMETERS.
ANNA NICOLE SMITH LOOKS MORE LIKE AN OVERLIPSTICKED MANEQUIN THAN AN ACTUAL WOMAN. I THINK SHE IS TRYING TO KEEP PLAYBOY FROM PUBLISHING THE NUDE PICTURES OF HER BECAUSE THEN THE ENTIRE SEXUALLY LIBERATED MALE POPULATION WILL BE ABLE TO SEE HOW PHONY AND DISAPPOINTING HER LOOKS REALLY ARE. SHE IS PROBABLY CRINGING LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER AT THE THOUGHT OF THAT HAPPENING.
SURE SHE CAN GET A FEW GUYS ATTRACTED TO HER. SHE WAS ABLE TO GET MARRIED TO SOME RICH OCTOGENERIAN (EIGHTY + YEAR OLD MOTHER FUCKER), BUT THAT WAS EASY. A CRUSTY EIGHTY SOMETHING YEAR OLD GUY CAN'T GET MUCH GIRL ACTION, EVEN FROM WOMEN HIS OWN AGE - THE FEW THAT EXIST. THE ONLY WAY HE WOULD BE ABLE TO GET ANY PUSS PUSS WAS BY HOOKING UP WITH SOME HEAVILY OVERRATED MEDIOCRE LOOKING GOLD DIGGING BITCH, AND THAT IS WHAT HE DID. AND THE TWO TIMES THAT HE PROBABLY FUCKED HER, I'LL BET HE WAS FANTASIZING THAT SHE WAS SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR OR JENNIFER LOPEZ OR SOMEONE LIKE THAT.
I BEG FOR PLAYBOY NOT TO PUT THOSE PICTURES IN THEIR MAGAZINE. NOT BECAUSE ANNA DOESN'T WANT THEM THERE, BUT BECAUSE SHE IS SUCH A BIG TURN OFF FOR GUYS LIKE ME THAT ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING SOME FINE PUSSY WHEN THEY LOOK AT THIS MAGAZINE.
DR SIMMON SMELLS SMOKE. HE STARTS COUGHING LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER. COUGH! COUGH! RETARD RUNS INTO KITCHEN BARKING. DR SIMMONS RUSHES INTO THE KITCHEN TOO, BANGING INTO THE DOOR FRAME BECAUSE HE HAS DRUNK A LOT OF BEERS AND DONE A FEW BONG HITS. OH FUCK! I JUST BURNED DINNER. SHIT! WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?
DR SIMMONS PULLS HIS CASSEROLE OR WHATEVER IT IS THAT HE TRIED TO COOK OUT OF THE OVEN. IT IS ON FIRE. MAYBE HE SHOULD HAVE LEFT IT IN THE OVEN SO THAT THE FIRE DOESN'T SPREAD, BUT HE WASN'T THINKING ABOUT THAT AT THE TIME.. HE POURS HIS BEER OVER THE FIRE TO TRY TO PUT IT OUT. THIS CAUSES A HUGE FLAME THAT REACHES TO THE CEILING. THE FLAME DROPS BACK TO NORMAL SIZE A FEW SECONDS LATER. THEN HE REACHES FOR THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER. THE GOD DAMN FUCKIN FIRE EXTINGUISHER DOESN'T WORK. I GUESS I SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN IT RECHARGED AFTER THE LAST TIME THIS HAPPENED. HE SEES HIS BONG NEAR THE STOVE AND MOVES IT AWAY SO IT WON'T BURN UP TOO. THEN HE WOULD BE SCREWED. THAT GIVES HIM ANOTHER IDEA. DR SIMMONS DUMPS THE BONG WATER ON THE FIRE. THE FIRE FIZZLES OUT. THAT'S A FUCKIN RELIEF.
THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME THAT THIS HAS HAPPENED. FAR FROM IT. MY SKILLS ARE NOT IN THE KITCHEN. I AM MUCH BETTER IN THE BEDROOM. ACTUALLY I'M NOT REALLY GOOD IN EITHER PLACE. I JUST CAN FAKE IT BETTER IN THE BEDROOM.
I GUESS I GOT TO ORDER OUT. OR I COULD TRY COOKING SOMETHING ELSE. YEAH SURE! I'M ORDERING OUT. I'LL LET SOMEONE ELSE DO THE COOKING FOR ME. WHERE IS THAT REFRIGERATOR MAGNET WITH THE NUMBER? OH! IT'S ON THE REFRIGERATOR. HE DIALS THE NUMBER ON THE MAGNET. "THIS IS HULIO'S PIZZA HOUSE. MAY I TAKE YOO ORDER?" "HELLO IT'S ME. ..... YEAH!, DR SIMMONS. I JUST BURNED DINNER AGAIN. GET ME SOME PIZZA OVER HERE QUICK. I GOTTA GIRL COMING OVER THAT'S GONNA PUT OUT. BUT I GOT TO FEED HER FIRST.".......................... (BORING DETAILS) "THANK YOU FOR THE PIZZA THAT YOU ARE GONNA BRING, COMPADRE".
NOW THAT I GOT DINNER TAKEN CARE OF, I CAN GET BACK TO THE NEWS. IN SPORTS NEWS, THE BLESSED BY GOD ST LOUIS RAMS FOOTBALL TEAM LOST TO THE NEW ORLEANS SAINTS IN THE FIRST ROUND OF THE NFL PLAYOFFS. WHAT? THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE. I THOUGHT THAT GOD WAS ON THEIR SIDE. I THOUGHT THAT THEY COULD DO ANYTHING BECAUSE OF THE INCREDIBLY STRONG CHRISTIAN FAITH OF SEVERAL OF THE PLAYERS INCLUDING STAR QUARTERBACK, KURT WARNER.
BUT GOD WASN'T GONNA SIDE WITH THIS PREACHING BOZO QUARTERBACK. THE IDEA THAT HE WAS IS LAUGHABLE. (ASSUMING THAT GOD EVEN EXISTS WHICH HE DOESN'T) IF GOD EXISTS, I DOUBT THAT HE INTERVENES DURING FOOTBALL GAMES TO MAKE PLAYERS MISS TACKLES OR DROP BALLS OR BE ABLE TO CATCH PASSES THAT THEY WOULD OTHERWISE HAVE DROPPED. THAT IS A PATHETICLY STUPID IDEA ESPOUSED BY FOLLOWERS OF RELIGION IN AN ATTEMPT TO FEEL MORE IN CONTROL OF THEIR LIVES BY BELIEVING THAT THEIR PRAYERS CAN ACTUALLY AFFECT EVENTS IN THE REAL WORLD IN A SUPERNATURAL WAY. IT'S AMAZING THE WAY RELIGION JUST COMPLETELY DESTROYS SOMEONE'S INTELLIGENCE.
BUT IF THERE WERE A GOD, AND HE INTERVENED IN FOOTBALL GAMES, THEN WHAT MAKES KURT WARNER THINK THAT THIS GOD WOULD BLESS HIS TEAM. IF ANYTHING, HE WOULD FEEL MUCH MORE OF A BOND WITH THE SAINTS AND WOULD HELP THEM TO WIN. AND IT LOOKS LIKE THAT MAY HAVE HAPPENED. GOD SUPPORTING THE SAINTS MAKES MUCH MORE SENSE IN THIS GAME. THINK ABOUT IT.
IN STEAMING HOT PIZZA NEWS, OUR FUCKIN PIZZAS HAVE JUST ARRIVED. WE ENDED UP WITH FIVE LARGE PIZZAS BECAUSE MY DRUNK ASS WAS CONFUSED AND I ENDED UP ORDERING WHATEVER SEEMED RIGHT AT THE MOMENT. RENEE THE GOOD LAY WHO THOUGHT THAT I WAS COOKING SOMETHING, ASKS PERPLEXEDLY "WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE PIZZA WHEN I COME OVER? IS THAT THE ONLY THING YOU EAT DOC?" COPYRIGHT © 2001 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED