WEAKLY COLLUM # 0059
FOR MONDAY 01/08/2001
DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED. 
LET ME START THIS WEAKLY COLLUM OFF BY GIVING YOU THE WEATHER. IT'S FUCKIN SNOWING. IT'S SNOWING HARD. I HAVE A SNOWY WINTER TRADITION WHICH I HAVE ALREADY ENJOYED THIS YEAR. WHEN IT SNOWS, I LIKE MAKING SNOW BALLS AND THEN THROWING THEM INTO THE TOILET. I THEN PEE ON THEM TO MELT THEM. THE HEAT FROM MY PISS MELTS THEM REAL QUICK. I DRINK A LOT OF BEERS, SO I TAKE LOTS OF PISSES. I CAN SOMETIMES PISS ON THE SAME SNOW BALLS THREE OR FOUR TIMES. IT'S REALLY FUN. MAYBE A FEW OF YOU WILL ADOPT THIS TRADITION TOO.
IN POLITICAL NEWS, OUTGOING PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON PARDONED A MOTHER FUCKIN BUNCH OF PEEPLE. IN THE PAST FEW WEEKS, HE USED HIS PARDONING PEN LIKE IT WAS HIS EXECUTIVE PHALLIC SYMBOL. HE PENNED THE RELEASE OF DOZENS OF JAIL BIRDS INCLUDING FORMER CONGRESSMAN DAN ROSTENKOWSKI.
WHAT I CAN'T FIGURE OUT IS WHY THE FOUNDING FATHERS OF OUR COUNTRY GIVE THE PRESIDENT THE POWER TO PARDON ANYONE. SOMETIMES THEY PARDON INNOCENT PEEPLE OR PEEPLE WHO ARE SERVING MUCH MORE TIME THAN THEY DESERVE, BUT THAT IS BESIDE THE POINT. IT IS BUILT INTO THE LAWS OF THIS COUNTRY THAT THEY CAN WAIVE PUNISHMENT FOR SOMEONE WHO WAS FOUND GUILTY BY THE SAME BODY OF LAWS. IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE TO ME.
WHY IS BILL CLINTON PARDONING THAT CROOK, DAN ROSTENKOWSKI? SOMEONE THAT DEFRAUDS THE AMERICAN PEEPLE SHOULD BE IN JAIL. WAIT! THAT DESCRIBES ALMOST EVERY FUCKIN POLITICIAN. I GUESS THEY CAN'T PUNISH EVERY CONGRESSMAN THAT IS GUILTY; OTHERWISE THEY WOULD BE HOLDING SESSIONS OF CONGRESS IN SAN QUENTIN. BUT DAN ROSTEN..............., WHATEVER THE FUCK HIS LAST NAME IS, DID MORE FRAUDULENT SHIT, OR AT LEAST HE GOT CAUGHT DOING IT. HE SHOULD NOT GO UNPUNISHED.
WHY IS BILL CLINTON PARDOING THIS LOW LIFE MOTHER FUCKER ANY WAY? IS HE TRYING TO MAKE A STATEMENT THAT CROOKED POLITICIANS SHOULDN'T GO TO JAIL? I HOPE NOT. MAYBE HE IS JUST TRYING TO REESTABLISH A DEMOCRATIC MAJORITY IN CONGRESS. I AM SURE THAT THAT IS ONE OF HIS MOTIVATIONS. I'LL BET HILLARY PUT BILL UP TO THIS. NOW THAT SHE IS A SENATOR, SHE WANTS AS MANY DEMOCRATS ON HER SIDE IN CONGRESS AS POSSIBLE. MAYBE BILL IS DOING HILLARY THIS FAVOR SO THAT SHE WILL START SPREADING HER LEGS FOR HIM AGAIN. HE AINT GONNA BE GETTING MUCH INTERN ACTION ANY MORE SO HE REALIZES THAT HE HAS TO START GETTING SOME FROM HIS WIFE AGAIN.
I DON'T MIND PRESIDENT CLINTON AND HIS OVAL OFFICE PREDECESSORS PARDONING ALL OF THOSE TURKEYS EVERY THANKSGIVING. BUT HE SHOULD NOT BE LETTING HARDENED CRIMINALS GO. I GUESS DAN ROSTENKOWSKI WOULD QUALIFY AS EITHER A HARDENED CRIMINAL OR A TURKEY. HE MAY HAVE BEEN ACCIDENTALLY PARDONED AT THANKSGIVING BY BILL CLINTON WHO WAS MORE CONCERNED ABOUT WHERE HE WAS GONNA GET PUSSY FROM NOW THAT HE WON'T HAVE EXECUTIVE PRIVELEDGE OVER INTERNS IN A SHORT WHILE.
BUT I ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT BILL CLINTON IS GONNA BE GETTING ALL KINDS OF PUSSY IN NEW YORK CITY. THE GIRLS ARE REAL FREAKY THERE. HE'LL BE TURNING THEM AWAY BY THE DOZENS. MAYBE HE WILL PUSH A FEW OFF ONTO HIS SECRET SERVICE MEN.
IN OTHER POLITICAL NEWS, PYSCHOTIC LOCAL POLITICIAN TOM ALCIERE APPARENTLY DOESN'T LIKE THE POLICE TOO MUCH. IN FACT, HE HATES THEM WITH A PASSION. HE HAS STATED HIS VIEWS THAT HE THINKS IT IS ALRIGHT TO BLOW A COP AWAY UNDER SOME CIRCUMSTANCES. HE HAS REMARKED MORE THAN ONCE SOMETHING TO THE EFFECT THAT NO ONE WILL BE SAFE UNTIL THE LAST COP IS DEAD. NOW THAT IS FUCKED UP.
TOM ALCIERE IS A REPUBLICAN REPRESENTATIVE SERVING IN THE NEW HAMPSHIRE GOVERNMENT. NEW HAMPSHIRE IS A CITY OR STATE IN THE NORTH EAST SOMEWHERE. I NEVER HEARD OF NEW HAMPSHIRE BEING A FUCKED UP PLACE, BUT WITH POLITICIANS LIKE HIM RUNNING THE JOINT, I'M NOT SO SURE ANYMORE. I THINK THAT NEW HAMPSHIRE AND THE WORLD WOULD BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT POLITICIANS LIKE HIM. WHAT ABOUT POLITICIANS LIKE HIM BEING KILLED? IF I HEAR ABOUT THE POLICE RAIDING HIS HOUSE AND BLOWING HIM AWAY, I WON'T FEEL TOO BAD.
REPUBLICANS WANT ALCIERE TO RENOUNCE WHAT HE HAS SAID OR RESIGN FROM OFFICE. THEY DON'T WANT ANY POLITICIAN THAT ESPOUSES VIOLENT PSYCHOTIC VIEWS LIKE ALCIERE DOES TO BE IN THEIR PARTY. BUT THEY HAVE NO POWER TO FORCE HIM OUT. IF THEY HAD THE POWER TO KICK OUT POLITICIANS THAT BROUGHT EMBARRASSMENT TO THEIR PARTY, THEN THEY WOULD HAVE KICKED DAN QUAYLE OUT THIRTEEN YEARS AGO.
IN WOMEN THAT GIVE GUYS A BONER NEWS, PLAYBOY IS CONDUCTING A SURVEY ON IT'S WEBSITE TO SEE WHO IS THE SEXIEST SPORTS REPORTER. HORNY WEBSURFERS JUST GO TO THEIR SITE AND VOTE FOR THE SPORTS BABE OF THEIR CHOICE. MELISSA STARK FROM ABC's MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL AND BEAUTIFUL JILL ARRINGTON FROM CBS FOOTBALL ARE TWO OF THE TEN BABES YOU CAN VOTE FOR. THEY DIDN'T HAVE LESLIE VISSER, ONE OF MY FAVORITES, THOUGH, MAYBE BECAUSE SHE IS IN HER FORTIES.
I HAVE A THING FOR JILL ARRINGTON (A BIG THROBBING THING). I WENT TO THE PLAYBOY SITE WITH THE INTENTION OF CASTING MY VOTE FOR HER. BUT IT WAS A COMBINATION OF A SO SO PICTURE OF HER ON THEIR SITE AND SEEING A BEAUTY THAT I NEVER SAW BEFORE THAT CAUSED ME TO VOTE DIFFERENTLY. I HAD NEVER SEEN OR HEARD OF FOX SPORTS LADY, JILLIAN BARBERIE, BEFORE. WELL IN A MOMENT OF HORNINESS, I VOTED FOR JILLIAN BARBERIE INSTEAD OF JILL ARRINGTON. I FEEL GUILTY. I FEEL LIKE I WAS UNFAITHFUL SOMEHOW. THAT IS WHY I HATE MAKING COMMITMENTS; IN A MOMENT OF WEAKNESS I SURRENDERED TO MY DICK. BUT IF I WAS GONNA BE UNFAITHFUL IN REALITY OR IN MY IMAGINATION, JILLIAN BARBERIE IS A GOOD ONE TO DO IT WITH.
DON'T E-MAIL ANY OF THE WOMEN THAT I DIDN'T VOTE FOR AND TELL THEM ANY OF THIS. I AM TRYING TO SCORE WITH A FEW OF THEM, ESPECIALLY JILL ARRINGTON. IF YOU WANT TO SCORE WITH BEAUTIFUL WOMEN LIKE THESE BABES, YOU GOT TO BE REAL CAREFUL TO NOT LET THEM KNOW THAT YOU ARE TRYING TO GET SOME FROM THEM. IT JUST HAS TO HAPPEN NATURALLY SOMEHOW. WISH ME LUCK AS I TRY TO GET SOME HIGH CLASS TRIM FROM A FEW OF THESE LADIES.
ALL YOU HORNY MEN AND HORNY LESBIANS FOLLOW THE LINK BELOW TO VOTE FOR WHO YOU THINK IS THE BEST LOOKING SPORTS BABE AROUND, OR FOR THE ONE THAT GETS YOU REAL HORNY AT THE TIME. REMEMBER TO VOTE BEFORE YOU WACK OFF SO THAT YOU MAKE THE CORRECT CHOICE. YOU CAN STROKE IT A FEW TIMES BEFORE YOU VOTE, BUT DON'T BRING YOURSELF TO SEXUAL CAPITULATION UNTIL AFTER YOU VOTE. I REALLY WANT THIS VOTE TO BE AS ACCURATE AS POSSIBLE. LINKS RELATED TO THIS WEEK'S WEAKLY COLLUM.
PLAYBOY ONLINE — GO TO THE SPORTS SECTION TO VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE SPORTS BABE WITH THE WINNER TO BE REVEALED ON JANUARY 12. THEN GO TO OTHER PARTS OF THE SITE TO FIND SOMETHING TO WACK OFF TO.
COPYRIGHT © 2001 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED