WEAKLY COLLUM # 0060
FOR MONDAY 01/15/2001
DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.
THERE ARE SEVERAL Y2K EVENTS IN THE NEWS. GOODY! I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR A YEAR FOR SOMETHING TO GO WRONG BECAUSE OF Y2K. I WAS CHEATED OUT OF THAT LAST YEAR FOR THE MOST PART. AT LEAST I GET A LITTLE TASTE OF Y2K FUN THIS YEAR.
IN NORWAY AT THE NATIONAL RAILWAY COMPANY, SOME OF THEIR NEWER TRAINS WOULD NOT START UP. THE PROBLEMS WAS DUE TO THE COMPUTER THAT CONTROLS THOSE TRAINS INTERPRETING THE DATE INCORRECTLY. THIS HAPPENED ON DECEMBER 31 INSTEAD OF JANUARY 1 LIKE IT SHOULD HAVE. BUT AT LEAST IT HAPPENED. I HAD GIVEN UP HOPE OF SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPENING. DR SIMMONS DRINKS A BEER TO CELEBRATE. THEN HE DRINKS ANOTHER ONE JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT. A FEW MINUTES LATER HE POPS THE TOP ON A THIRD. BEER DRINKING SOMETIMES CREATES ITS OWN MOMENTUM.
BELCH! Y2K WAITED UNTIL THE LAST DAY OF THE YEAR BEFORE FUCKING THINGS UP FOR THE RAILROAD COMPANY. THAT IS FUCKED UP AND FUNNY. I GUESS Y2K PANICKED FIGURING THAT THIS WOULD BE ITS LAST DAY TO WREAC MAYHEM ON THE CIVILIZED WORLD. IT DIDN'T WANT TO LET ITS LAST OPPORTUNITY PASS IT BY.
BUT IT TURNS OUT THAT Y2K STILL HAS SOME LIFE LEFT, EVEN IN THE REAL NEW MILLENNIUM. IN 7-ELEVEN STORES ACROSS THE COUNTRY, SOME COMPUTERS INTERPRETED THE YEAR AS 1901 INSTEAD OF AS 2001 AND CREDIT CARD ORDERS COULD NOT BE PROCESSED. I GUESS THEY WEREN'T Y2K +1 COMPLIANT. THAT IS FUNNY TOO. I THINK I'LL HAVE ANOTHER BEER TO TOAST THIS HAPPY OCCASSION. COUGH! COUGH! DR SIMMONS GULPS THE BEER DOWN TOO FAST AND CHOKES ON IT LIKE A VIRGIN TEENAGE BABE CHOKING ON A BIG COCK. COUGH! COUGH! HE IS STILL COUGHING.
THE Y2K EVENT AT THE 7-ELEVEN STORES IS MUCH MORE SIGNIFICANT THAN AT THE NORWAY RAILROAD COMPANY BECAUSE OF THE WORLD PRESENCE OF 7-ELEVEN RELATIVE TO THE IMPORTANCE OF SOME TINY LITTLE COUNTRY THAT PEEPLE GET CONFUSED WITH SWEEDEN OR FINLAND. IF THE ENTIRE COUNTRY OF NORWAY SHUT DOWN FOR A FEW MONTHS, MOST OF THE REST OF THE WORLD WOULD HARDLY NOTICE. BUT IF 7-ELEVENS CLOSED FOR TWO HOURS, THERE WOULD BE RIOTING IN THE STREETS.
BUT HAVING SAID THAT, THE Y2K PROBLEMS THAT 7-ELEVEN HAD WERE A LOT LESS OF A PROBLEM THAN THEY COULD HAVE BEEN. THINK ABOUT IT. MOST PEEPLE DON'T GO TO 7-ELEVEN WITH A CREDIT CARD TO BY THEIR BEER OR LOTTERY TICKETS. THEY GO IN THERE WITH EITHER CASH OR WITH A STOLEN HAND GUN. THE CASHIER GIVES THE CUSTOMER HIS CHANGE OR GIVES THE DIRTBAGS EVERYTHING IN THE REGISTER. HE RARELY HAS TO SWIPE A CREDIT CARD. MANY LONG TIME 7-ELEVEN EMPLOYEES HAVE NEVER EVEN SEEN A CREDIT CARD (INSIDE OR OUTSIDE OF A 7-ELEVEN).
IN SPORTS PSYCHOSIS NEWS, DALLAS COWBOYS FOOTBALL PLAYER DIMITRIUS UNDERWOOD DECIDED TO PLAY IN TRAFFIC DOWN IN FLORIDA. TWICE HE JUMPED IN FRONT OF SPEEDING CARS TRYING TO BE RUN OVER SO THAT HE COULD GO TO JESUS. I'M NOT READING HIS MIND. THAT IS WHAT HE SAID HE WANTED TO SEVERAL WITNESSES. BUT RUNNING IN FRONT OF SPEEDING CARS WILL ONLY SEND YOU TO HELL IN A HAND BASKET. INSTEAD OF JUMPING IN FRONT OF SPEEDING CARS, HE SHOULD BE TRYING TO GET SOME PUSSY. THERE IS SOME MIGHT FINE PUSSY DOWN IN FLORIDA.
THIS KNUCKLEHEAD IS DEEPLY RELIGIOUS ACCORDING TO PEEPLE THAT KNOW HIM. HE HAS HIS HEART SET ON BEING WITH JESUS, BUT JESUS DOESN'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS NUT. NOT AT ALL. JESUS IS PARTIAL TO NORMAL CHURCH GOERS AND CHRISTIAN CONFORMISTS, NOT KNUCKLEHEADS TRYING TO PLAY FROGGER WITH REAL TRAFFIC IN ORDER TO GO TO HEAVEN PREMATURELY.
SOME PEEPLE THINK THAT UNDERWOOD'S PSYCHOSIS MIGHT BE DUE TO THE DALLAS COWBOYS SUCKING IN A BIG WAY THIS SEASON. I SAY NO. IT HAS BEEN A VERY PAINFUL SEASON FOR THEM AND THEIR REMAINING FANS, BUT THAT IS NOT THE CAUSE OF HIS NUTTINESS. I THINK THAT RELIGION IS THE CULPRIT. THAT IS WHAT HE KEEPS TALKING ABOUT IN HIS PSYCHOTIC STATE OF FUCKUPPEDNESS. I HAVE SAID IT BEFORE AND I WILL SAY IT AGAIN. RELIGION WILL FUCK YOU UP IN THE HEAD IF YOU TAKE IT SERIOUSLY ENOUGH.
SPEAKING OF PEEPLE FUCKED UP IN THE HEAD, NEW HAMPSHIRE STATE REPRESENTATIVE, TOM ALCIERE, MAY RESIGN AFTER COMING UNDER FIRE FOR HIS PRO COP KILLING VIEWS. THAT IS GOOD NEWS. AT FIRST HE WAS ADAMANT ABOUT NOT RELINQUISHING OFFICE BECAUSE OF HIS VIEWS. LATER HE CHANGED HIS MIND AND IS CONSIDERING RESIGNING AFTER READING WHAT I HAD SAID ABOUT HIM IN LAST WEEK'S WEAKLY COLLUM. I HAVE A WAY OF CONVINCING PEEPLE TO SEE THINGS LOGICALLY, EVEN MORONS LIKE ALCIERE.
DUMBFUCK ALCIERE SAID NO ONE HAD ASKED HIS VIEWS WHILE HE WAS A CANDIDATE. I THINK THAT THIS IS A MAJOR OVERSIGHT OF THE POLITICAL PROCESS. THAT IS WHY I FEEL AN OBLIGATION TO HELP. I CAME UP WITH A BRIEF QUESTIONAIRE TO BE USED IN QUESTIONING ALL POLITICAL CANDIDATES. I LIST IT FOR YOU BELOW BECAUSE I'M SUCH A FUCKIN NICE GUY.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN COP KILLING?
ARE YOU NUTS?
DID YOU EVER WORK FOR THE POST OFFICE?
WERE YOU BEAT UP A LOT AS A CHILD?
DID SOMEONE WHO STOLE YOUR LUNCH MONEY GROW UP TO BE A COP?
DO YOU HEAR VOICES?
ARE YOU A RELIGIOUS FANATIC?
DO YOU GET A BONER (MALE OR FEMALE POLITICIAN) ABOUT THE IDEA OF SPENDING TAX PAYER MONEY?
IF THIS QUESTIONAIRE WAS MANDATORY FOR ALL POLITICAL CANDIDATES, WE WOULD BE ABLE TO WEED OUT MOST OF THE REAL NUTTY ONES. WE WOULD STILL BE STUCK WITH THE BOZOS THAT MAKE UP THE REST OF CONGRESS, THE EXECUTIVE OFFICE, AND STATE AND LOCAL GOVERNMENT BODIES. BUT THIS IS A GOOD START. COPYRIGHT © 2001 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED