WEAKLY COLLUM # 0061

FOR MONDAY 01/22/2001

DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.

IN "WHY ARE THEY DOING IT" NEWS, SCIENTISTS IN SOME PLACE OUT IN OREGON ARE CLONING MONKEYS WITH A .... WITH A ..... WITH A FUCKIN JELLY FISH. THESE SCIENTISTS (KOOKS) INSERTED JELLYFISH DNA INTO UNFERTILIZED MONKEY EGGS TO .... TO ....... TO MAKE A FLUORESCENT MONKEY. YES, THAT IS WHAT THEY DID - MADE A FRICKEN FLUORESCENT MONKEY.

THE MONKEY FUCKIN GLOWS GREEN UNDER FLUORESCENT LIGHT. SINCE THE DNA CAME FROM A JELLY FISH, I'LL BET ALL THE OTHER MONKEYS WILL LAUGH AT HIM WHEN THEY FIND THAT OUT. THEY WILL LAUGH AND LAUGH UNTIL THEY SEE HIM GLOW. THEN THEY WILL BE ENVIOUS AS HELL. THAT IS HOW THAT SHIT WORKS IN HUMANS.

I REMEMBER REFLECTING DEEPLY ON THE SUBJECT OF CLONING AND ITS POSSIBILITIES FOR MANKIND AND MAKING A FLUORESCENT MONKEY WAS ONE OF THE THINGS THAT I THOUGHT SOMEONE SHOULD MAYBE TRY TO DO SOME DAY. I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY THEY WEREN'T ALREADY DOING THAT. THIS WAS A FEW YEARS AGO. I'M GLAD THAT THEY FINALLY CAME UP WITH THE IDEA THEMSELVES AND DEVELOPED IT INTO REALITY.

ACTUALLY THIS IS A REALLY GOOD MARKETING IDEA. A FLUORESCENT MONKEY WOULD BE A NICE ATTRACTION TO A DANCE CLUB OR DISCOTHEQUE AND THEY MIGHT EVEN BE ABLE TO TRAIN HIM TO BREAK DANCE. THAT WOULD DRAW IN THE CROWDS. AND MONKEYS ARE VERY TRAINABLE. I'M SURE THAT THEY COULD BE TRAINED TO BREAK DANCE - NO PROBLEM. LOOK AT MICHAEL JACKSON.

I WOULDN'T MIND HAVING A GLOW IN THE DARK MONKEY. I SHOULD BUY HIM OR ONE LIKE HIM THAT THEY CREATE IN THE FUTURE. I HAVE MONEY. I DON'T NEED TO WAIT UNTIL THIS IDEA IS COMMERCIALIZED. I COULD BE THE FIRST PERSON ON MY BLOCK TO HAVE A FLUORESCENT MONKEY. THAT WOULD BE SO COOL. EVERY ONE WOULD THINK I AM THE MAN. HAVING A MONKEY LIKE THAT MIGHT EVEN HELP ME GET MORE BABES OVER HERE.

MAYBE HE COULD PLAY WITH MY POOCHES. ACTUALLY THAT PROBABLY WOULDN'T BE SUCH A GOOD IDEA. RETARD WOULD RIP THE MONKEY TO FLUORESCENT SHREDS AS SOON AS HE THREW HIS SHIT AT HIM. AND I WOULD BE STUCK CLEANING UP ALL THE DEAD MONKEY GUTS.

THEY COULD USE GLOW IN THE DARK MONKEYS OUT IN CALIFORNIA. THAT WOULD HELP OUT THE PEEPLE THAT ARE HAVING PROBLEMS WITH THEIR ELECTRICITY. THE MONKEY WOULD BE LIKE A PRIMATE NIGHT LIGHT. I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHY THEY ARE HAVING POWER TROUBLES OUT IN CALIFORNIA BECAUSE I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE LOOKING THE SHIT UP ON THE INTERNET. AFTER ALL, I DON'T LIVE THERE. HOPEFULLY THEY WILL HAVE THEIR SHIT STRAIGHTENED OUT BY THE TIME I TRAVEL OUT THAT WAY.

IN INFIDELITY NEWS, IDEOLOGICALLY SCREWED UP REVEREND JESSE JACKSON, GOT SOME STRANGE. TO YOU ALL THAT DON'T KNOW STREET TALK, GETTING STRANGE MEANS THAT HE GOT SOME ASS OTHER THAN FROM HIS WIFE. AND IN HIS CASE, HE FATHERED A BABY FROM THIS INCIDENT. THE BABY IS NOW TWENTY MONTHS OLD. I AM A FIRM BELIEVER IN GETTING SOME EXTRAMARITAL ASS IF YOU ARE A GUY UNLUCKY ENOUGH TO BE MARRIED, BUT IT REALLY SUCKS WHEN YOU KNOCK THE WOMAN UP. HE SHOULD HAVE USED A CONDOM.

HUNDREDS OF SUPPORTERS SHOWED UP AT THE HEAD QUARTERS OF THE RAINBOW/PUSH COALITION WHERE HE DOES WHATEVER HE DOES THERE. MOST OF THEM WERE HIS ILLEGITIMATE CHILDREN TOO.

AFTER BILL CLINTON'S INFIDELITY WITH MONICA LEWINSKY CAME TO LIGHT A FEW YEARS BACK, JESSE JACKSON HAD A LONG HARD TALK WITH HIM. I HAD THOUGHT THAT HE HAD COUNSELED BILL ON THE "VIRTUES" OF MONOGAMY AND FAITHFULNESS. APPARENTLY BILL WAS THE ONE DOING MOST OF THE TALKING. I THINK HE TAUGHT JESSE JACKSON A BUNCH OF TRICKS FOR SCORING SOME ASS FROM YOUNGER WOMEN.

SPEAKING OF BILL CLINTON (OR WRITING OF HIM), AS WE ENTER THE GEORGE W BUSH ERA, WE LEAVE BEHIND THE BILL CLINTON ERA. ON JANUARY TWENTIETH, GEORGE W BUSH WAS INAUGERATED AS THE FORTY THIRD OR FORTY FOURTH OR FORTY FIFTH PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES LEAVING POOR BILL CLINTON WITHOUT A JOB SO THAT HE CAN PAY ALL OF HIS LEGAL EXPENSES. DAYS BEFORE THIS CONSTITUTIONALLY PREORDAINED TRANSFER OF POWER, PRESIDENT CLINTON GAVE HIS FAREWELL ADDRESS TO EVERYONE THAT WANTED TO HEAR IT AND TO THOSE OF US THAT DIDN'T. IT FUCKIN PISSED ME OFF BECAUSE IT INTERRUPTED WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?.

IN HIS SPEECH, CLINTON SAID HIS GOOD-BYES. GOOD-BYE TO BEING PRESIDENT. GOOD-BYE TO BEING ABLE TO SPEND TAX PAYER MONEY FOR HIS GRANDIOSE SAVE THE COUNTRY PLANS. GOOD-BYE TO BEING ABLE TO USE HIS PRESIDENTIAL PARDON TO SET CRIMINALS FREE LIKE FORMER CONGRESSMAN DAN ROSTENKOWSKI. GOOD-BYE TO HIS INTERNS. (THE FEMALE ONES ANYWAY) GOOD-BYE TO HILLARY BECAUSE SHE WILL PROBABLY DIVORCE HIS CHEATING ASS NOW THAT HE IS NO LONGER PRESIDENT.

AND THIS IS GOOD-BYE FROM ME TO YOU, NOT FOREVER, JUST FOR NOW. FUCKIN SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

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