WEAKLY COLLUM # 0062
FOR MONDAY 01/29/2001
DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.
I WAS WATCHING A SHOW CALLED BATTLEBOTS ON CEMEDY CENTRAL WHERE THEY HAVE REMOTE CONTROL ROBOTS FIGHT EACH OTHER ONE ON ONE. MOST OF THESE ROBOTS LOOK FIERCE WITH SPINNING BLADES AND HEAVY ARMOR. BUT THERE WAS THIS ONE ROBOT CALLED BUDDY LEE THAT WAS DIFFERENT. IT WAS A TOY CAR SHAPED ROBOT WITH A STUPID LOOKING PUPPET GUY OR KID OR WHATEVER DRIVING IT. THE ROBOT WAS OPERATED BY AND BELONGED TO TWO WOMEN. OF COURSE! ONLY WOMEN OR FLAMERS WOULD COME UP WITH AN IDEA LIKE THIS AND ACTUALLY ENTER IT INTO A CONTEST SUCH AS BATTLEBOTS.
I THINK THE BUDDY LEE DRIVING THE ROBOT IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE STUPID LOOKING BUDDY LEE FROM THE JEANS COMMERICALS. THE BUDDY LEE ROBOT HAD FOUR STUFFED ANIMAL DOGS ON BACK. I GUESS THEY WERE STUFFED ANIMALS. THEY LOOKED MORE LIKE WHAT YOU CAN WIN AT A CARNIVAL IF YOU CAN GET ALL YOUR BALLS INTO THE HOOP THAN LIKE WHAT YOU WOULD SEE AT THE WESTMINISTER DOG SHOW.
WELL, AS YOU MIGHT HAVE EXPECTED, THE BUDDY LEE ROBOT GOT ITS ASS KICKED. HARD! HIS ROBOT CAR WAS MASHED WORSE THAN THE PRINCESS DIANA LIMO. THERE WERE DOGS ALL OVER THE MOTHER FUCKIN ARENA. IT WAS A SLAUGHTER. I AM GLAD THAT THE BUDDY LEE ROBOT WAS MUTILATED. I HATE THAT STUPID CHARACTER. BUT I FEEL BAD FOR THE STUFFED ANIMAL DOGS AS THE OTHER ROBOT TOOK SOME GOOD SHOTS AT THEM DURING THE ASS KICKING.
I WAS WATCHING THIS SHOW WITH MY DOGS. RETARD WAS LAUGHING LIKE CRAZY. HE WAS REALLY ENJOYING IT. BONG BONG, HOWEVER, WAS HOWLING AND WIMPERING THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE MATCH. HE JUST TAKES SHIT TOO SERIOUSLY SOMETIMES. HE IS LIKE A LOT OF WOMEN I KNOW. ABOUT AN HOUR LATER, BONG BONG WAS LAUGHING AFTER I HAD A GOOD LONG TALK WITH HIM. HE LEARNED HOW TO SEE THE HUMOR IN ROBOTS RIPPING EACH OTHER INTO SHREDS.
IN TRASHY PEEPLE WHO SING TRASHY MUSIC NEWS, RAP SINGER PUFFY COMBS IS GOING TO TRIAL FOR CHARGES RELATING TO THE SHOOTUP OF A NEW YORK NIGHT CLUB. HE IS BEING CHARGED WITH GUN POSSESSION AND BRIBERY AFTER APPARENTLY TRYING TO PAY HIS DRIVER TO TAKE THE RAP FOR HIM. I'M WAITING FOR A GUILTY VERDICT.
PUFFY'S GIRLFRIEND, GORGEOUS JENNIFER LOPEZ, WAS ARRESTED DURING THIS INCIDENT BUT WASN'T CHARGED WITH ANYTHING. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY JENNIFER LOPEZ IS HANGING WITH THAT RAP LOSER. IT JUST DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT SOMEHOW. WELL I'M PISSED THAT GOOD PEEPLE LIKE ME AREN'T SOUGHT AFTER BY STELLAR BEAUTIES LIKE JENNIFER LOPEZ BECAUSE THEY ARE MORE INTERESTED IN CRIMINAL CRONY FOR SOME REASON. MAYBE IF I WERE A CRIMINAL THAT SINGS GARBAGE MUSIC AND SHOOTS UP A NIGHT CLUB, I COULD BE SCREWING WOMEN LIKE JENNIFER LOPEZ TOO.
FUCKIN ULTRA QUICK NEWS FLASH - JENNIFER LOPEZ IS LEAVING PUFFY COMBS'S SORRY RAPPER ASS.
I KNOW I REPORTED SOMETHING LIKE THAT A FEW MONTHS AGO. ACTUALLY I REPORTED EXACTLY THAT A FEW MONTHS AGO AND I WAS WRONG. BUT THAT IS BECAUSE I HEARD IT THROUGHT THE GRAPE VINE WRONG. I DIDN'T BUNGLE THE FACTS MYSELF. THAT IS PROBABLY WHY SHE DIDN'T RESPOND FAVORABLY TO MY ADVANCES. NOW THAT SHE IS REALLY SINGLE AGAIN, THE DOOR IS WIDE OPEN FOR ME. I'LL EVEN CUT BACK ON MY DRINKING A BIT AS I TRY TO MAC HER INTO BED.
BACK THEN I WROTE JENNIFER LOPEZ AND ASKED HER FOR CONFIRMATION AND SHE FUCKIN TOTALLY IGNORED ME. THIS TIME I THINK I'M GONNA ...
ANOTHER FUCKIN ULTRA QUICK NEWS FLASH - JENNIFER LOPEZ IS RUMORED TO BE LEAVING PUFFY'S SORRY ASS FOR ANOTHER DUDE. YOU ARE LEFT OUT IN THE COLD DOCTER SIMMONS. TAKE A COLD SHOWER.
SHIT! LETS CHANGE THE SUBJECT NOW. IN BORING POLITICAL NEWS, GEORGE W BUSH WAS SWORN IN AS THE FORTY THIRD PRESIDENT OF OUR OVER TAXED, OVER REGULATED, OVERLY CONFORMIST COUNTRY. THEY DID THIS ALL IN AN OFFICIAL CEREMONY CALLED THE INAUGERATION. FOR THOSE OF YOU NOT EDUCATED ENOUGH TO KNOW WHAT AN INAUGERATION IS, I WILL TELL YOU. IT IS A TAX PAYER FINANCED, PRETENTIOUS DISPLAY OF POWER PUT ON FOR PEEPLE THAT LIKE TO BE BORED OUT OF THEIR FUCKIN SKULL.
I'M GLAD I WAS NO WHERE NEAR THE INAUGERATION. I AM NOT THE TYPE OF PERSON THAT CAN HANDLE BULLSHIT EASILY. I COULD PROBABLY PUT UP WITH IT IF I WAS HIGH ON SOME HIGH QUALITY BUD THE WHOLE TIME. BUT I COULD DO THAT AT HOME WITHOUT HAVING TO GO THROUGH ALL OF THE HASSLE AND INCONVENIENCE. WHEN I NEED A BEER, I CAN JUST GRAB ONE FROM MY REFRIGERATOR. WHEN I HAVE TO TAKE A LEAK, I CAN USE MY OWN PISS STAINED TOILET. IF THE INAUGERATION IS SOMETHING THAT I WOULD HAVE TO BE IN AN ALTERED MENTAL STATE TO ENJOY OR AT LEAST TO MAKE IT THROUGH, THEN IT IS NOT SOMETHING WORTH MY VALUABLE TIME
THE INAUGERATION DID SERVE TO SIGNAL THAT OUTGOING PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON IS NOW A CIVILIAN AGAIN. HE HAS TO DEAL WITH REAL WORLD EVERYDAY SHIT AGAIN SUCH AS : WHERE TO LIVE, WHAT KIND OF WORK TO SEEK, AND HOW TO DEAL WITH THE LEGAL CONSEQUENCES OF PERJURY PERTAINING TO TESTIMONY OVER A JISM SOAKED DRESS.
FORMER PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON REACHED A SETTLEMENT IN THE MONICA LEWINSKY CASE THAT KEEPS HIS CHEATING ASS OUT OF JAIL. BILL CLINTON AGREED NOT TO PRACTICE LAW FOR FIVE YEARS IN EXCHANGE FOR NOT SERVING ANY JAIL TIME. IF HE DOES PRACTICE LAW DURING THIS PERIOD, HE WILL BE PRACTICING IT IN JAIL. ALSO PART OF THE SETTLEMENT, BILL CLINTON AGREED NOT TO TRY TO GET ANY MORE BOOTY FROM WHITE HOUSE INTERNS. IF AUTHORITIES FIND HIS SPEW ON ANY WHITE HOUSE INTERN (MALE OR FEMALE) OR ON THEIR CLOTHING, HE WILL GO TO JAIL.
IN NIPPLE NEWS, ONE OF PRESIDENT GEORGE W BUSH'S DAUGHERS SHOWED HER BOOBIE. YEAH! I'M NOT SURE WHICH OF THE DAUGHTERS IT WAS SINCE I CAN'T TELL THEM APART, BUT I THINK IT WAS THE BLONDE ONE. THAT IS JENNA BUSH, AND SHE IS A SWEET LOOKING THING. SHE WAS DANCING WITH HER FATHER AT ONE OF THE INAUGERATION PARTIES WHEN HER TOP CAME LOOSE. COOL! I LIKE THE FANCY DRESSES THAT RICH WOMEN WEAR ON SPECIAL OCCASSIONS THAT REVEAL THE TOP OF THE CHEST AND OFTEN CAUSE NIPPLES AND ENTIRE BOOBS TO POP OUT OF THEIR HIDING SPOTS.
TOO BAD I DIDN'T ACTUALLY SEE IT. I JUST HEARD ABOUT IT. FUCK! I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE GONE TO THE STUPID INAUGERATION PARTIES. ALL THESE BABES DRESSING TO SHOW WHAT THEY GOT IF THEY GOT IT. EVEN IF THE INAUGERATION IS BORING AS SHIT, THE PARTIES CAN BE REWARDING TO HORNY PARTIERS LIKE MYSELF. I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO HAVE SEEN THAT LIVE. HOPEFULLY PICTURES OF THIS WILL END UP ON THE INTERNET IN THE NEXT FEW WEEKS.
NOW I AM CONFUSED. I DON'T KNOW WHO TO FANTASIZE ABOUT WHEN I PLAY WITH MYSELF IN A FEW MINUTES AFTER I FINISH WRITING THIS COLUMN, JENNIFER LOPEZ OR JENNA BUSH. MAYBE I WILL INCLUDE BOTH IN MY FANTASY. I HAVE TO GO NOW BECAUSE I HAVE ALREADY STARTED FANTASIZING. NOW IT'S TIME FOR ME TO UNZIP MY PANTS AND TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS. LINKS RELATED TO THIS WEEK'S WEAKLY COLLUM.
BATTLEBOTS — WATCH ROBOTS FIGHT TO THEIR METALLIC DEATH ON COMEDY CENTRAL.
COPYRIGHT © 2001 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED