WEAKLY COLLUM # 0064

FOR MONDAY 02/12/2001

DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.

JUST WANNA UPDATE YOU ON MY LIFE BEFORE I FUCKIN TALK ABOUT SHIT THAT IS HAPPENING IN THE NEWS. THINGS HAVE BEEN BAD, REAL BAD. THE THINGY IN MY TOILET THAT CONNECTS THE TOILET HANDLE TO THE CHAIN THAT LIFTS THE RUBBER STOPPER BROKE. IT WAS RUSTED AS A MOTHER FUCKER AND FINALLY DISINTEGRATED INTO NOTHINGNESS. FUCKIN GETS ME WHERE I LIVE.

I LIVE AND BREATHE BY MY TOILET. I TAKE NICE LONG SHITS. I PISS A LOT BECAUSE I DRINK BEER ALMOST EVERY DAY AND I DRINK A LOT OF WATER WITH THE BEER TO KEEP FROM GETTING HANGOVERS. I ALSO NEED A TOILET CLOSE BY FOR WHEN I HAVE TO PUKE MY BRAINS OUT. I WAS HURTING WITHOUT MY TOILET. IT AINT THE ONLY TOILET IN MY PLACE, BUT IT'S THE ONLY ONE IN MY BEDROOM, SO I NEED THAT ONE TO WORK.

BUT I AM SMART - REAL SMART. AFTER A DAY OF FLUSHING THE TOILET BY STICKING MY HAND IN THE BACK AND REACHING INTO THE WATER TO PULL ON THE CHAIN, I CAME UP WITH A PLAN. I TOOK OFF THE LID TO THE BACK OF THE TOILET. THEN I JUST TOOK A METAL CLOTHES HANGER AND STRAIGHTENED IT OUT AND CONNECTED ONE END TO THE CHAIN INSIDE THE TOILET. NOW WHEN I TAKE A SHIT, ALL I HAVE TO DO IS PULL ON THE HANGER AND THE TOILET FLUSHES. I AM FULL OF GREAT IDEAS.

ON THE TUBE, THE FOX NETWORK REJECTED AN AD FOR FEMALE CONDOMS (THE CONDOMS AREN'T FEMALE, THEY ARE FOR USE BY FEMALES.). A COMPANY CALLED ENCARE HAD WANTED TO RUN AN AD FOR ITS BRAND OF FEMALE CONDOMS ON THE SHOW, TEMPTATION ISLAND. IN CASE YOU DON'T KNOW, TEMPTATION ISLAND IS A SHOW ABOUT FOUR COUPLES BROUGHT TO A TROPICAL PARADISE AND SURROUNDED BY A BUNCH OF GOOD LOOKING SINGLES WHOSE JOB IT IS TO TEMPT AND SEDUCE THE MEMBERS OF THE GROUP INTO A LITTLE ADULTEROUS FUN.

FOX REPORTEDLY REJECTED THE AD BECAUSE THE CONDOM WAS TO BE ADVERTISED FOR BIRTH CONTROL PURPOSES INSTEAD OF ONLY FOR DISEASE PREVENTION. WHAT? WHO ARE THESE MORONS TO TELL PEEPLE WHAT THEY SHOULD AND SHOULD NOT USE CONDOMS FOR? I WOULD NEVER HAVE EXPECTED THIS LEVEL OF UPTIGHTEDNESS FROM FOX, CBS MAYBE, BUT NOT FOX.

FOR SOME REASON, THE IDIOTS THAT MAKE DECISIONS AT FOX TAKES A LIKING TO THE IDEA OF MORE UNWANTED PREGNANCIES IN THIS COUNTRY. I NEVER THOUGHT OF PREVENTING UNWANTED PREGNANCY AS BEING A BAD THING BEFORE. I GUESS FOX THINKS THAT UNWANTED PREGNANCY IS A GOOD THING. ARE THEY GONNA FUCKIN PAY TO RAISE A CHILD WHOSE PARENTS DIDN'T WANT OR WEREN'T READY FOR? ARE THEY GONNA MAKE SURE THAT THE CHILD IS RAISED HEALTHY AND IS NOT NEGLECTED?

WHO ARE THESE IDIOTS TO FORCE THEIR ANTI BIORTH CONTROL VIEWS ON THE WORLD? WHAT MORALISTIC DUMBFUCKS! WELL THE PEEPLE AT FOX WHO MADE THIS IDIOTIC DECISION CAN GO FUCK THEMSELVES IF THEY THINK THIS. YOU CAN TELL THEM THAT I SAID THAT. I'M NOT AFRAID OF THEM ANYMORE.

I HAVEN'T WATCHED TEMPTATION ISLAND YET. I JUST HAVEN'T FELT THE URGENCY. WHEN I WANT TO SEE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN WITH GREAT BODIES, I USUALLY GO STRAIGHT TO MY HORNY VIDEO COLLECTION OR I LOOK UP PORN ON THE INTERNET. MAYBE I WILL WATCH THAT SHOW SOMETIME WHEN THERE IS NOTHING ELSE ON TV EXCEPT DARMA AND GREG OR THAT BORING MILLIONAIRE SHOW.

IN NON BIRTH CONTROL NEWS, THE XFL MADE ITS DEBUT. THE XFL IS THE WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION'S NEW FOOTBALL LEAGUE. IT IS A COMBINATION OF THE REAL SPORTS GOODNESS OF FOOTBALL WITH THE ADOLESCENT HISTRIONICS OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING. THE "SPORT" OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING IS DOMINATED BY PEEPLE WHO SOUND LIKE THEY ARE ON A TRIPLE DOSE OF SPEED - THE WRESTLERS AS WELL AS THE ANNOUNCERS. BUT OVERALL THEY DID A PRETTY GOOD JOB WITH FOOTBALL. I WOULD HAVE BITCHED THEM OUT IF THEY HAD MADE FOOTBALL LOOK BAD. I'M NOT AFRAID OF THEM EITHER.

MINNESOTA GOVERNOR JESSE VENTURA WAS ONE OF THE ANNOUNCERS FOR THE VERY FIRST XFL GAME. HE CAN PUT THIS ON HIS RESUME AS HE RUNS FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IN 2004. THERE WERE SOME PEEPLE BITCHING ABOUT JESSE VENTURA BEING AN ANNOUNCER FOR THE GAMES AND POSSIBLY NEGLECTING HIS DUTIES AS GOVERNOR OF MINNESOTA. HE RESPONDED THAT WHAT HE DOES IN HIS OWN TIME IS NONE OF THEIR CONCERN. AND HE IS DAMN RIGHT. I DON'T KNOW WHY PEEPLE WOULD BELIEVE THAT SOMEONE IS NOT ENTITLED TO DO WHAT HE WANTS ON HIS OWN TIME JUST BECAUSE HE IS A GOVERNMENT LEADER. I DON'T KNOW WHY PEEPLE FEEL THAT GOVERNORS AND OTHER POLITICAL LEADERS SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO PARTICIPATE ACTIVELY IN SPORTING EVENTS. COME ON! THEY SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO LIVE THEIR LIVES JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

MAYBE THESE CRYBABIES WHO KNOW WHAT IS GOOD FOR EVERYONE ELSE WANT TO SEE THEIR LEADERS AS "ABOVE" ACTIVITIES THAT OTHER HUMANS REGULARLY DO EVEN IF THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THOSE ACTIVITIES. WE NEED MORE POLITICAL LEADERS THAT AREN'T SO UPTIGHT. WE NEED MORE POLITICANS THAT CAN BREAK THE MOLD AND BE REGULAR PEEPLE DOING REGULAR ACTIVITIES WITHOUT WORRYING ABOUT HOW IT LOOKS TO SIMPLE PEEPLE. WE NEED LEADERS THAT CAN FIT IN WITH EVERY DAY REALITY, ALTHOUGH PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING IS ALMOST AS FAR AWAY FROM REALITY AS POLITICS. POWER TO YOU JESSE.

IN OTHER NEWS, SOME KNUCKLEHEAD WAS SHOT BY A SECRET SERVICE AGENT OUTSIDE THE WHITEHOUSE FENCE FOR MAKING A FEEBLE ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT. THE LOSER IS 47 YEAR OLD ROBERT PICKETT WHO IS AN ACCOUNTANT AND FUTURE JAILBIRD. IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE A PRESIDENT HAS BEEN ASSASSINATED, A LOT OF TRIGGER HAPPY PSYCHO MOTHER FUCKERS WERE GETTING RESTLESS. THERE WERE ABOUT THREE OR FOUR FAILED ATTEMPTS WHILE CLINTON WAS IN POWER (HILLARY CLINTON). THIS PICKETT GUY DECIDED TO GIVE IT THE OLD COLLEGE TRY. OR MAYBE IT WAS THE OLE HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUT TRY SINCE HE DIDN'T SEEM LIKE HE KNEW WHAT THE FUCK HE WAS DOING. I DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT GUNS OR MILITARY STATEGY OR VIOLENCE, BUT I COULD HAVE MADE A BETTER ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT THAN THIS SORRY ASS MOTHER FUCKER.

THE QUESTION CAME UP AS TO WHY THE SECRET SERVICE AGENT SHOT THE MAN. IT'S BECAUSE HE IS A PSYCHO WHO HAD A LOADED GUN THAT HE WAS FUCKIN SHOOTING RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE WHITEHOUSE. DUH! WHAT DO YOU EXPECT THE SECRET SERVICE TO DO - INVITE HIM IN FOR DINNER WITH THE PRESIDENT? I HATE STUPID PEEPLE THAT THINK THAT THE CRIMINAL IS THE VICTIM. MY ONLY PROBLEM WITH THE SHOOTING WAS THAT THE SECRET SERVICE AGENT SHOT HIM IN THE KNEE INSTEAD OF BLOWING THE MOTHER FUCKER AWAY. HE SHOULD HAVE MADE HIM A PART OF THE FENCE. WE SHOULD NOT TOLERATE HOMICIDAL PSYCHOS - NEVER.

LINKS RELATED TO THIS WEEK'S WEAKLY COLLUM.

I'M GONNA GIVE YOU THE LINK TO ENCARE JUST TO PISS FOX OFF. OH WAIT! I SEARCHED LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER AND COULD NOT FIND ONE. I AM GREAT AT FINDING PORNO SITES, BUT FINDING OTHER SITES IS MUCH MORE OF A CHALLENGE FOR ME. WHEN I DO FIND THEIR SITE IF THEY DO HAVE ONE, I WILL PUT IT HERE FOR YOU RETROACTIVELY.

I WOULD TRY TO START A COMPLETE BOYCOTT OF THE FOX NETWORK UNTIL THEY CORRECT THEIR STUPIDITY, BUT THEN WE WOULD ALL MISS THE SIMPSONS.

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