WEAKLY COLLUM # 0065

FOR MONDAY 02/19/2001

DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.

FOOTBALL STAR LOSER O.J. SIMPSON IS IN THE NEWS AGAIN. HE IS GOING TO TRIAL FOR A ROAD RAGE INCIDENT THAT HAPPENED IN DECEMBER. WORD IS THAT HE IS COMPLETELY INNOCENT OF THE CHARGE. NO WAIT! THAT IS HIM SAYING THAT. OK! THEN HE IS GUILTY.

WHEN QUESTIONED BY REPORTERS, O.J. RESPONDED "THIS IS SO MINOR. WHY IS EVERYONE MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT? IT'S NOT LIKE I KILLED TWO PEEPLE AND THEN USED CROOKED LAWYERS TO MAKE A MOCKERY OF THE JUSTICE SYSTEM." A FEW MINUTES LATER HE YELLED OUT "I AM ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY ONE HUNDRED PERCENT NOT GUILTY FOR WHATEVER I DID. PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE."

O.J. COULD GET UP TO SIXTEEN YEARS IN PRISON FOR REACHING INTO SOMEONE'S CAR AND PULLING THE GLASSES OFF THE DRIVER'S FACE. SIXTEEN YEARS SEEMS KINDA HARSH FOR THAT. THEN AGAIN, HE MURDERED TWO PEEPLE IN COLD BLOOD AND DIDN'T HAVE TO SERVE ANY PRISON TIME FOR THAT. HE DESERVES TO SUFFER. I HOPE HE GETS RUN OVER BY A BUS. THAT DOES SOUND QUITE MEAN. I'M SORRY. I HOPE HE GETS RUN OVER BY A VAN INSTEAD.

O.J. SIMPSON IS JUST A VIOLENT, OUT OF CONTROL LOSER. HE IS GONNA SCREW UP IN A WAY WHERE HIS HIGH PRICED, NO ETHICS, FAST TALKING LAWYERS WON'T BE ABLE TO SAVE HIS ASS. IN FACT, I PREDICT THAT O.J WILL END UP KILLING AGAIN, AND THEY WON'T LET HIS GUILTY ASS GO THIS TIME.

IN OTHER NEWS, THE U.S. NAVY FUCKED UP AGAIN. ONE OF THEIR SUBMARINES TOPPLED A JAPANESE FISHING BOAT NEAR PEARL HARBOR. I GUESS THAT WAS REVENGE FOR THE JAPANESE BOMBING OUR SHIPS THERE SIXTY YEARS AGO. WE HAVE A LONG MEMORY AND CAN HOLD A GRUDGE FOR MANY DECADES. PAYBACKS ARE HELL JAPAN.

WHAT THE HELL WAS A JAPANESE SHIP DOING AROUND PEARL HARBOR ANYWAY? SURE IT WAS A FISHING BOAT, AND THE PEEPLE ABOARD WERE FISHING. BUT WHAT THE HELL IS IT DOING NEAR PEARL HARBOR? THAT'S LIKE A FORMER GERMAN GESTAPO AGENT GOING TO A BAR MITZVAH. AND FURTHER, DOESN'T JAPAN HAVE WATER BORDERING A GOOD PART OF ITS COUNTRY THAT THEY DON'T NEED TO BE FISHING IN THE WATER AROUND OURS?

IN OTHER NEWS, THE U.S. BOMBED IRAQ, AGAIN. I DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH TO SAY ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW, SO I WILL JUST SKIP OVER IT. MAYBE I WILL TALK ABOUT THIS NEXT WEEK. MAYBE I WON'T. ONLY I KNOW THE ANSWER.

I WOULD RATHER TALK ABOUT ANNA KOURNIKOVA, OR ACTUALLY THE ANNA KOURNIKOVA VIRUS. A FEW DAYS AGO, E-MAIL SYSTEMS AROUND THE WORLD WERE CLOGGED, CLOGGED LIKE ROSIE O'DONNELL'S ARTERIES. THIS WAS DUE TO THE ANNA KOURNIKOVA VIRUS WHICH WAS SENT IN AN E-MAIL OFFERING PICTURES OF THE BEAUTIFUL, YOUNG TENNIS STAR.

THAT DAY, I WAS CHECKING MY E-MAIL ALL DAY WAITING FOR THE VIRUS TO BE SENT TO ME, BUT IT NEVER CAME, NOT EVEN ONE FRICKEN COPY. DAMN! I AM CRAZY FOR ANNA KOURNIKOVA. THAT IS ONE VIRUS THAT I WISH WOULD HAVE BEEN SENT TO ME. EVEN IF IT HIJACKED MY E-MAIL ACCOUNT, I WOULDN'T CARE, AS LONG AS I COULD SEE THE PICTURES. I'D BE WACKING OFF TO THOSE PICTURES OF THAT YOUNG BEAUTY. I HAVE NEVER WACKED OFF TO A COMPUTER VIRUS BEFORE. THAT WOULD BE THE FIRST.

THE TWENTY YEAR OLD DUMBFUCK WHO UNLEASHED THE VIRUS SAID THAT HE DIDN'T MEAN TO DO ANY HARM. HE MERELY WANTED TO WARN INTERNET USERS OF THE DANGERS OF VIRUSES SO THAT THEY WOULD TAKE INCREASED SECURITY MEASURES WITH RESPECT TO THE INTERNET. HOW RETARDED! THAT'S LIKE GOING INTO A CROWDED RESTAURANT WITH A MACHINE GUN AND KILLING TWENTY PEEPLE IN ORDER TO WARN THE WORLD OF THE DANGERS OF AUTOMATIC WEAPONS. WHAT A SIMPLE DUMBFUCK! THEY NEED TO SEND HIS STUPID ASS TO SINGAPORE TO GET CANED.

SPEAKING OF PARASITES, MUSIC STEALER, NAPSTER IS NO LONGER ALLOWED TO PROVIDE MUSIC SWAPPING SERVICES FOR COPYRIGHTED MUSIC WITHOUT THE COPYRIGHT HOLDER'S PERMISSION. GOOD! I AM GLAD TO SEE EVIL NAPSTER STOPPED IN ITS TRACKS. NOW THEY WILL HAVE TO EARN A LIVING OFF OF THEIR OWN WORK INSTEAD OF MAKING MONEY OFF OF THE COPYRIGHTED WORKS OF OTHERS. THEY WILL HAVE TO EARN THEIR OWN LIVING INSTEAD OF LIVING OFF THE HARD WORK AND CREATIVITY OF OTHERS. NOW IF WE COULD ONLY DO THAT WITH OUR WELFARE SYSTEM.

THERE IS A FUCKIN KNOCK AT THE DOOR. IT IS THE DELIVERY BABE FROM HULIO'S PIZZA HOLDING A LARGE PIZZA AND WEARING SHORT SHORTS. DR SIMMONS LETS HER IN. "MAN YOU LOOK HOT. WHERE DID YOU GET THOSE LEGS? THEY ARE NICE AS SHIT." "I WORK OUT." SHE REPLIES. AFTER A FEW MINUTES OF SMALL TALK AND SHOWING OFF HER TATOOS, INCLUDING THE ONE BESIDE HER CLIT, THEY END UP FUCKING. THIS GOES ON FOR HALF AN HOUR UNTIL THE PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL IS EXHAUSTED. ACTUALLY DR SIMMONS IS THE ONE WHO IS EXHAUSTED. HE WAS SO EXCITED THAT HE BURNED HIMSELF OUT.

THAT WAS GREAT. THAT IS WHAT LIFE SHOULD BE ALL ABOUT. YOU ORDER A PIZZA, THEN THE BEAUTIFUL DELIVERY GIRL FUCKS YOUR BRAINS OUT, ALL PURELY PHYSICAL, NO COMMITMENT. THEN YOU EAT YOUR PEPPERONI AND MUSHROOM PIZZA. WAIT A MINUTE! I DIDN'T EVEN ORDER PIZZA.

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