WEAKLY COLLUM # 0066
FOR MONDAY 02/26/2001
LINKS RELATED TO THIS WEEK'S WEAKLY COLLUM.
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COPYRIGHT © 2001 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
WEAKLY COLLUM # 0066
FOR MONDAY 02/26/2001
DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.
LAST WEEK IN THE WATERS AROUND THE PHILLIPINES, AN OVERLOADED BOAT CAPSIZED RESULTING IN NUMEROUS FATALITIES. THE U.S. NAVY WAS SUPPOSEDLY NOT INVOLVED IN THIS ACCIDENT, UNLIKE LAST WEEK WHEN THEY CRASHED INTO AND SUNK A JAPANESE FISHING BOAT. I'LL BET THE NAVY DID CAUSE THIS ACCIDENT TOO SOMEHOW. YOU KNOW THE NAVY HAS MADE A LOT OF FUCK UPS IN THE PAST FEW YEARS. I WILL ASSUME THAT THE U.S. NAVY IS INVOLVED IN ANY SINKING OF A CIVILIAN SHIP OR BOAT UNTIL PROVEN OTHERWISE.
IN COUNTER INTELLEIGENCE NEWS, LONGTIME FBI AGENT, ROBERT HANSSEN, TURNS OUT TO BE A FUCKIN SPY. THE FBI SAYS THAT HE SPENT THAT LAST FIFTEEN YEARS TRADING U.S. SPY SECRETS TO RUSSIA FOR MONEY. HE APPARENTLY BETRAYED ALL KINDS OF SECRETS - ANYTHING FROM THE IDENTITY OF RUSSIAN DOUBLE AGENTS TO CURRENT SPY MISSIONS TO THE WINNER OF SURVIVOR.
HIS FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS WERE SHOCKED THAT A CHURCH GOING MAN SUCH AS HIM COULD COMMIT SUCH CRIMES. LIKE CHRISTIANS DON'T DO THAT TYPE OF SHIT. BULL SHIT! CHURCH GOING PEEPLE ARE JUST AS LIKELY TO COMMIT CRIMES AS ANYONE ELSE. IT'S JUST THAT THE ONE'S THAT DON'T MORALIZE ABOUT HOW SUPERIOR THEY ARE AS A GROUP TO NON CHURCH GOERS.
THIS SPY SHIT THAT IS STILL GOING ON IS CALLED COUNTER INTELLIGENCE BECAUSE IT IS NOT VERY INTELLIGENT WASTING SO MUCH OF THE TAXPAYERS MONEY PLAYING THESE SPY GAMES THAT BOTH THE UNITED STATES AND RUSSIA ARE PLAYING. FOR THE LAST SIXTY YEARS, BOTH OF THESE COUNTRIES HAVE BEEN TRYING TO ONE UP EACH OTHER WITH DOUBLE AGENTS AND TRIPLE AGENTS AND CLASSIFIED SECRETS. IT'S LIKE THAT MAD MAGAZINE CARTOON SERIES, "SPY VS SPY".
WHY IS THE U.S GOVERNMENT STILL SPYING ON RUSSIA, AND WHY IS RUSSIA STILL SPYING ON THE U.S IF THE FUCKIN COLD WAR OF GOOD VERSUS EVIL IS OVER? THEY CAN HIDE THE ULTRA SECRET ISSUES THAT THEY ARE SPYING OVER FROM THE AMERICAN PUBLIC, BUT THEY CAN'T HIDE THE FACT THAT THERE IS SOMETHING IMPORTANT GOING ON THERE. THERE IS A LOT OF SHIT GOING ON THAT THEY GOVERNMENT DOESN'T EVEN WANT TO HINT ABOUT TO THE AMERICAN PUBLIC. MAYBE SOME OF THESE CONSPIRACY THEORISTS THAT YOU HEAR ABOUT AREN'T SO NUTTY AFTER ALL. I DON'T KNOW, BUT ONE THING'S FOR SURE, THE COLD WAR IS NOT OVER. NOT BY A LONG SHOT.
IN PREHISTORIC NEWS, SCIENTISTS, DOING THEIR SCIENTIFIC SHIT THAT THEY DO, DISCOVERED THAT ANOTHER ASTEROID HIT THE EARTH MILLIONS OF YEARS AGO AND WIPED OUT MANY SPECIES OF CREATURES BACK IN 250 MILLION B.C. I DIDN'T KNOW THEY KEPT TRACK OF TIME BACK THEN.
THE ASTEROID THAT WE ALREADY KNEW ABOUT HIT THE EARTH IN 65 MILLION B.C. AND ENDED THE RULE OF THE DINOSAURS ON EARTH - A VERY SAD MOMENT. I REALLY LOVE DINOSAURS. IF I WAS AROUND AT WHEN THIS ALL HAPPENED, I WOULD HAVE BEEN CRYING MY FUCKIN EYEBALLS OUT. THIS SECOND ASTEROID THAT THESE SCINETIST DUDES ARE TALKING ABOUT ACTUALLY WAS THE FIRST SINCE IT CAME EARLIER AND WIPED OUT MOST OF THE SHIT THAT WAS LIVING BEFORE THE DINOSAURS.
I THOUGHT THE ONE THAT HIT THE EARTH IN 65 MILLION B.C AND KILLED OFF ALL THE DINOSAURS WAS A METEOR. METEOR, NOT MEAT EATER. I'M NOT SURE IF THERE IS MUCH DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A METEOR AND AN ASTEROID. I LOOKED IT UP A FEW DAYS AGO WHEN I WAS DRINKING SHOTS WITH A FEW FRIENDS. A METEOR IS A SMALL ASTEROID. AN ASTEROID IS A LARGE METEOR. AND A PLANET IS WHAT GETS SLAMMED INTO BY METEORS AND ASTEROIDS. AND DINOSAURS AND OTHER LIVING THINGS DIE WHEN THAT HAPPENS.
WITH THIS NEW DISCOVERY, THAT MEANS THAT THE METEOR THAT HIT THE EARTH IN 65 MILLION B.C. WAS NOT A ONE HIT WONDER. IT WAS NOT AN ANOMALY, BUT A DANGEROUS EVENT THAT COULD BE REPEATED. I SOMETIMES HEAR PEEPLE TALKING ABOUT A METEOR HITTING THE EARTH AND WIPING OUT THE HUMAN RACE. THIS ALL HAS HAS GOTTEN ME WORRIED ABOUT SOME EXTRATERRESTRIAL PIECE OF SHIT CRASHING INTO THE EARTH AND FUCKIN WIPING US ALL OUT. A PIECE OF SPACE DEBRIS MIGHT BE COMING TOWARDS US RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT.
LET ME GET OUT MY TELESCOPE. I DON'T USUALLY USE IT TO LOOK AT CELESTIAL BODIES. IN FACT I NEVER DO. I JUST USE IT TO PEEP INTO PEEPLE'S HOUSE TO LOOK AT GOOD LOOKING WOMEN NAKED. YESTERDAY I SAW THIS BABE BEND OVER TO PICK UP SOMETHING AFTER SHE GOT OUT OF THE SHOWER. OH MY GOD DID SHE HAVE A NICE ASS. I WACKED OFF SO HARD. SHE WAS LIKE A PRINCESS GODDESS AND I WACKED OFF TO THE WONDERFUL SIGHT OF HER ASS. AFTER TWO OR THREE MINUTES, DR SIMMONS STOPS WITH HIS ADOLESCENT RAMBLINGS AND FOCUSES HIS TELESCOPE AT THE SKIES. RIGHT AWAY HE SEES A FRICKEN ASTEROID, I MEAN METEOR, OR MAYBE NEITHER, COMING RIGHT AT HIS PROPERTY.
OH MY FUCKIN GOSH! IT'S COMING RIGHT AT ME. I HOPE IT DOESN'T CRASH INTO ANY OF MY TREES. MY TREES MEAN SO MUCH TO ME. I LOVE TREES BECAUSE I LOVE NATURE SO MUCH. IT'S SO MUCH BETTER TO BE SURROUNDED BY TREES THAN TO BE IN A FUCKIN CITY SURROUNDED BY TALL BUILDINGS, CARS STUCK IN TRAFFIC, AND ALL KINDS OF INSENSITIVE PEEPLE. I PLANTED A BUNCH OF TREES BECAUSE I WANTED TO BE SURROUNDED BY NATURE AND SO THAT I WOULDN'T HAVE THAT MUCH LAWN TO MOW. IF I DIDN'T DO THAT, I WOULD HAVE HAD TO BUY A HELL OF A LOT OF CONCRETE TO KEEP THE GRASS IN CHECK.
I LOVE TREES, BUT GRASS IS DIFFERENT. I DON'T NEED AN ENDLESS SUPPLY OF GRASS AROUND. SURE GRASS IS NATURAL AND LOOKS GOOD COMPARED TO LOOKING AT SKY SCRAPERS AND TRAFFIC AND BUMS BEGGING FOR QUARTERS ON THE STREET, BUT YOU GOTTA MOW IT, EVERY FUCKIN WEEK. OR YOU GOTTA OVERPAY SOME KID IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD TO DO IT. TREES YOU DON'T GOTTA DO MUCH WITH. THEY MIND THEIR BUSINESS MOST OF THE TIME. OCCASSIONALLY THEY WILL FALL ON YOUR HOUSE AND SOMETIMES KILL SOMEONE, BUT NOT VERY OFTEN.
DR SIMMONS RETURNS FROM HIS DIGRESSION AND CONTINUES LOOKING AT THE FALLING WHATEVER. IT'S GETTING CLOSER AND I STILL CAN'T TELL WHAT IT IS. I AINT NO FALLING DEBRIS SPECIALIST. I AINT NO FUCKIN NASA SCIENTIST. I CAN'T TELL WHAT THE HELL IT IS. WHO KNOWS? MAYBE IT IS A SPACESHIP OF SOME ALIEN RACE THAT IS OUT OF CONTROL. PROBABLY A WOMAN DRIVER. MAYBE SOME ABDUCTED FARMER FROM WISCONSIN WHOM THEY WERE DOING ANAL PROBES ON GOT FREE AND IS FIGHTING FOR THE CONTROLS.
IT'S GONNA HIT SOON. LET ME FINISH MY BEER REAL FAST. DR SIMMONS FINISHES HIS BEER AND POPS OPEN ANOTHER ONE AND DRINKS THAT ONE DOWN TOO. HE IS CHOKING LIKE A PROSTITUTE GIVING HER FIRST BLOW JOB, BUT HE GETS THE BEER DOWN IN LESS THAN TEN SECONDS. IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S GONNA LAND IN THE OPEN FIELD PART OF MY PROPERTY. THAT WOULD BE GREAT SINCE THAT WOULD KEEP THE GRASS FROM GROWING THERE, AND I WOULDN'T HAVE TO MOW THAT PART ANYMORE.
THE ER ..... THE .. WHATEVER IT IS LANDS IN THE BACK YARD MAKING A LOUD THUD. IT'S ONLY ABOUT SIX FEET LONG. THAT WON'T PREVENT NEARLY AS MUCH GRASS FROM GROWING AS I HAD HOPED. OH WELL! MAYBE I WILL CRACK THE PIGGY BANK AND BUY SOME CONCRETE. LET ME GET A CLOSER LOOK AT THIS THING. I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK IT IS. IT APPEARS TO HAVE WORDS ON IT. YEAH IT DOES. LET ME READ IT. WHAT? "U.S. SPACE SHUTTLE CHALLENGER". LINKS RELATED TO THIS WEEK'S WEAKLY COLLUM.
MAD MAGAZINE OFFICIAL WEBSITE — HOME OF "SPY VS SPY".
COPYRIGHT © 2001 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED