WEAKLY COLLUM # 0067
FOR MONDAY 03/05/2001
COPYRIGHT © 2001 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
WEAKLY COLLUM # 0067
FOR MONDAY 03/05/2001
DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.
I HEARD IT WAS SUPPOSED TO SNOW THIS WEEK. THAT'S GOOD. IT HASN'T SNOWED IN A WHILE SO I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO TAKE PART IN MY FAVORITE WINTER PASSTIME, THROWING SNOWBALLS INTO THE TOILET AND PEEING ON THEM. I LOVE AIMING MY THINGY AT THE HELPLESS TARGETS AND FIRING PISS TORPEDO AFTER PISS TORPEDO UNTIL I MELT THEM ALL. A FEW TIMES I DID EMPTY AN ICE CUBE TRAY FROM MY FREEZER INTO THE TOILET AND PEED ON THE HELPLESS CUBIC TARGETS, BUT IT'S NOT QUITE THE SAME USING ARTIFICIAL ICE. I NEED REAL SNOWBALLS TO GET MAXIMUM ENJOYMENT.
HEY! GOT ANY NUDE PHOTOS OF YOUR DAUGHTER'S BARBIE DOLL? WELL, DO YOU WANT TO BUY SOME? ONE GUY HAS SOME NUDE PHOTOS OF BARBIE TO SELL, AND MATTEL, THE COMPANY THAT MAKES BARBIES, HAS BEEN SUING HIS ASS OVER THAT. TOM FORSYTHE TAKES PICTURES OF NOT SO INNOCENT BARBIES WITHOUT ANY CLOTHES ON OR IN PROVACATIVE POSES. HE RECENTLY WON ANOTHER COURT BATTLE AGAINST MATTEL, THE OVERPROTECTIVE FATHER LIKE MAKER OF BARBIE DOLL RELATED TOYS. MATTEL HAD SOUGHT A PERMANENT INJUNCTION AGAINST FORSYTHE SELLING HIS BARBIE PORN.
TOM FORSYTHE SAYS THAT HE IS INSPIRED TO DO WHAT HE DOES BECAUSE HE SEES BARBIE AS SYMBOLIC OF WHAT IS WRONG WITH OUR CULTURE WHICH ESPOUSE "MATERIALISM AND GENDER OPPRESSIVE VALUES". IN OTHER WORDS, HE IS A SICK MOTHER FUCKIN PERVERT.
WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID, THERE WERE MANY TIMES THAT I LIFTED UP BARBIE'S DRESS SO THAT I COULD VIEW THE PROMISE LANDS. BUT WHEN I WENT TO LOOK AT HER BUSH, I FOUND THAT SHE DIDN'T HAVE ONE. I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT. I SPENT HOURS LOOKING AT MY DADDY'S PLAYBOYS, AND ALL THE GIRLS HAD A FULL COMPLIMENT OF HAIR IN THEIR HEAVENLY REGION. THAT IS THE WAY I LIKED MY NAKED WOMEN BACK THEN AND STILL DO TO THIS DAY. BUT BARBIE LOOKED GOOD NAKED REGARDLESS. EVEN THOUGH BARBIE IS A SHAVER, IT IS STILL NICE TO SEE PICTURES OF HER COOTER. I AM GLAD THAT WE LIVE IN A FREE SOCIETY WHERE WE CAN SEE PICTURES OF BARBIE NAKED.
SPEAKING OF FREE SOCIETY, I THINK THAT OUR SOCIETY IS BECOMING TOO FREE FOR CERTAIN PEEPLE, NAMELY THE CRIMINAL FRIENDS OF BILL CLINTON, HIS BITCHY ASS WIFE AND BREADWINNER OF THE FAMILY, HILLARY CLINTON, AND HER BROTHER HUGH RODHAM. BILL CLINTON PARDONED HIS BROTHER ROGER AND FORMER CONGRESMAN TURNED CRIMINAL DAN ROSTENKOWSKI AND A HELL OF A LOT OF OTHER LOSERS RIGHT BEFORE HE LEFT OFFICE. IT'S ALL IN A DAYS WORK. WHILE HE WAS PARDONING ALL THESE MOTHER FUCKERS, HE REWROTE FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT'S SLOGAN TO "OF THE CRIMINAL, BY THE CRIMINAL, FOR THE CRIMINAL.
PRESIDENT CLINTON PARDONED A LONGTIME FUGITIVE, MARC RICH, BECAUSE HE IS RICH. HIS EX WIFE, DENISE, IS RICH ALSO AND DONATED SOME OF HER RICHES TO THE CAUSE OF HELPING HER EX HUSBAND EVADE JUSTICE FOR ALL OF HIS FUCKUPS. SHE DONATED MONEY TO THE CLINTON LIBRARY. THAT IS WHERE BILL CLINTON KEEPS ALL OF HIS PORNO FILMS AND GIRLY MAGAZINES. AND MAYBE SHE EVEN GAVE BILL A MONICA LEWINSKY STYLE BLOW JOB TO KEEP HIS MIND OFF OF ANY ETHICAL DOUBTS THAT HE MAY HAVE HARBORED ABOUT LETTING SCUMBAG CRIMINALS GO FREE.
IT'S LIKE A FUCKIN "PARDONS R US". YOU GO TO THE CLINTONS FOR YOUR BEST SELECTION OF PARDONS. THEY HAVE A PARDON FOR ALMOST EVERY CRIME IF YOU GOT THE MONEY OR CAN KISS ASS. DEMOCRATS ONLY.
I'M SUPRISED BILL CLINTON DIDN'T PARDON TIMOTHY MC VEIGH AND CHARLES MANSON OR JEFFREY DAHMER EVEN THOUGH HE IS DEAD WHILE HE WAS AT IT. HE WAS PARDONING JUST ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE. I'M GLAD HE IS OUT OF OFFICE NOW OR HE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE BEEN TALKED OR BRIBED INTO PARDONING THESE MOTHER FUCKERS TOO.
IN POSTAL INEFFICIENCY NEWS, THE BRITISH POSTAL SERVICE SHOWED THAT IT IS ON PAR WITH THE U.S. POSTAL SERVICE AND THEN SOME. APPARENTLY THEY WERE A LITTLE LATE DELIVERYING A POSTCARD, MORE THAN A CENTURY LATE. A POSTCARD SENT BY SOME DUDE NAMED COLIN STAYING IN AUSTRALIA DIDN'T REACH ITS DESTINATION IN SCOTLAND UNTIL A HUNDRED AND TWELVE YEARS LATER. THE POSTCARD WAS MEANT FOR A BABE. HE PROBABLY DIDN'T GET ANY TRIM FROM HER BECAUSE OF THIS BRITISH POSTAL SERVICE SCREW UP.
MAYBE IF COLIN WOULD HAVE SENT A FIRST CLASS LETTER TO THAT BABE INSTEAD OF A POSTCARD, IT WOULD HAVE GOTTEN THERE A FEW YEARS EARLIER. IT WOULD HAVE REACHED ITS DESTINATION EIGHTY YEARS LATER INSTEAD OF MORE THAN A HUNDRED YEARS LATER.
YOU KNOW THE BRITISH POSTAL SERVICE WITH THIS BLUNDER MAKES OUR POSTAL SYSTEM IN AMERICA LOOK SLIGHTLY EFFICIENT IN COMPARISON. THE U.S. POSTAL SYSTEM LOSES MAIL, TEARS IT UP WITH THEIR MACHINES (I CAN PERSONALLY ATTEST TO THIS.), AND DELIVERS THE MAIL LATE AND OFTEN TO THE WRONG ADDRESS. BUT AT LEAST THE U.S. POSTAL SERVICE CAN USUALLY GET A FRICKEN POSTCARD TO ITS DESTINATION (OR DESTROY IT WITH ONE OF ITS SORTING MACHINES) IN THE SAME CENTURY THAT IT IS SENT OUT. BUT AT LEAST THE BRITISH POSTAL SERVICE CAN SAY THEY DON'T HAVE ALL THE PSYCHOTIC WORKERS THAT WILL EVERY NOW AND THEN WALK INTO WORK WITH AN AUTOMATIC WEAPON AND KILL OFF TEN OR TWELVE OF HIS COWORKERS.
EARLIER THIS WEEK, SOMEONE TRIED TO SELL ME A POSTCARD DATING BACK TO THE 1800's, BUT IT HAD A PICTURE OF A NAKED BARBIE DOLL ON IT AND A THRITY FOUR CENT STAMP, SO I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS AUTHENTIC. SHE LOOKED HOT SO I ALMOST BOUGHT IT ANYWAY. THEN I REALIZED THAT ALL MY NEIGHBORS'S KIDS HAVE BARBIE DOLLS. I COULD BORROW ONE AND TAKE A FEW PICTURES OF HER WITH MY DIGITAL CAMERA. I COULD TAKE PICTURES OF HER GIVING A BLOW JOB TO MY G.I. JOE.
IN NEW YORK, THERE WAS ANOTHER SHOOTING RELATED TO FEUDING RAP STARS. WHAT ELSE IS NEW? THAT IS THE WAY OF LIFE FOR THESE LOSERS AND ALL OF THE YOUNG STUPID IDIOTS TRYING TO BE "GANGSTA" LIKE THEM BECAUSE THEY THINK THAT IT IS COOL. THE SHOOTING APPARENTLY WAS ABOUT A RIVALRY BETWEEN TWO SWEET CLASSY WOMEN (YEAH SURE!), LIL' KIM AND FOXY BROWN. THEY HAD BEEN TALKING SHIT ABOUT EACH OTHER AND SINGING SHIT ABOUT EACH OTHER TOO IN THEIR MUSIC. OH GOOD FUCKIN REASON TO FUCKIN PULL OUT GUNS AND START SHOOTING. WHAT FUCKED UP VIOLENT LOSERS!
OVER THE PAST FEW YEARS, THERE HAS BEEN MORE VIOLENCE STARTED AND PERPETUATED BY THE RAP MUSIC INDUSTRY THAN BY ALL OF THE OTHER TYPES OF MUSIC COMBINED. SURE COUNTRY MUSIC MIGHT BE DOMINATED BY LOW SELF ESTEEM WOMEN WHO CAN'T KEEP THEIR MEN. AND ROCK MUSIC IS DOMINATED BY MUSICIANS TAKING IN DRUGS LIKE THEY ARE WATER. BUT RAPPERS ARE THE ONES WHO GET VIOLENT OVER THE STUPIDEST SHIT. THEY WILL SHOOT UP THE SCENE WHEREVER THEY HAPPEN TO BE LIKE THEY ARE PLAYING AN ARCADE VIDEO GAME.
THESE MOTHER FUCKERS ARE SO VIOLENT, THEY CAN'T EVEN GET ALONG WITH THEMSELVES AND THEY ARE ALL THE SAME TYPE OF PEEPLE. SO IT IS HOPELESS FOR US TO ASSUME THAT THEY COULD GET ALONG WITH THE REST OF THE WORLD. THE ENTIRE INDUSTRY IS A MORAL VOID TOP TO BOTTOM - FROM THE MUSICIANS AND THE RECORDING PRODUCERS TO THE GANGSTA RAP CULT FANATICS WHO BUY THEIR SHITTY MUSIC AND TRY TO ACT LIKE THEM.
YOU KNOW WHAT ALL THESE RAPPERS NEED, UNDESERVED PARDONS - THE KIND THAT BILL CLINTON IS FAMOUS FOR GRANTING. THESE MUSICALLY DYSLEXIC VIOLENT MOTHER FUCKERS CAN'T STAY OUT OF TROUBLE. AND IT'S NOT A MONEY ISSUE EITHER. THEY HAVE THE MONEY NOT TO HAVE TO LIVE A ROUGH LIFE. THEY JUST DON'T HAVE THE MORALITY AND THE COMMON SENSE. TOO BAD FOR THEM THAT BILL CLINTON, THE GREAT PARDONER, IS OUT OF OFFICE.
THIS FUCKIN WEAKLY COLLUM IS OVER NOW. I'M GONNA GO AND LISTEN TO MY BEE GEE RECORDS NOW. COPYRIGHT © 2001 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED