WEAKLY COLLUM # 0068

FOR MONDAY 03/12/2001

DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.

DAMMIT! I AM TRYING TO WRITE THIS WEAKLY COLLUM, BUT I CAN'T WRITE SHIT RIGHT NOW. I THINK THAT I AM TOO SOBER. YEAH! THAT MUST BE IT. I GOTTA DRINK SOME BEERS. I HAD TWO ALREADY, BUT THAT AINT ENOUGH, NOT NEARLY ENOUGH. DR SIMMONS GOES TO THE REFRIGERATOR TO GET ONE, I MEAN, THREE BEERS, ICE BEERS. HE IS SERIOUS.

I HAVE A BUNCH OF FROSTY MUGS SO I CAN DRINK MY BEERS COLD EVEN IF THEY SIT OUT FOR A WHILE. THESE MUGS HAVE LIQUID INSIDE THEM THAT TURNS TO ICE IN THE FREEZER. THEY KEEP YOUR BEER COLD FOR A LONG FUCKIN TIME. THIS IS AN UNQUALIFIED POSTITIVE FOR US SERIOUS BEER DRINKERS.

TWENTY FUCKIN MINUTES AND THREE ICE BEERS LATER. OK! I AM DRUNK ENOUGH NOW. LET ME START TALKING SHIT ABOUT CURRENT EVENTS NOW. BUT I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM FIRST. I NEED TO TAKE A MONSTER PISS.

IN COMPUTER TECHNOLOGY NEWS, ANOTHER DUMBFUCK HAS CREATED AND UNLEASHED A COMPUTER VIRUS IN HIS ATTEMPT TO SHOW THE WORLD THAT HE IS A CREATIVE, HIGHLY INTELLIGENT LOSER. THE "NAKED WIFE VIRUS" WREAKED ITS DESTRUCTION ON THE COMPUTERS OF ABOUT THIRTY CORPORATIONS LAST WEEK. EXPERTS BELIEVE THE WORSE IS OVER - THAT IS UNTIL THE NEXT VIRUS IS UNLEASHED.

THE NAKED WIFE VIRUS GETS ITS NAME FROM THE E-MAIL HEADING THAT THE VIRUS USES TO ENTICE ITS HONRY USERS TO RUN THE PROGRAM CODE. IT IS TRANSMITTED OVER THE INTERNET THROUGH SOMEONE'S E-MAIL AS AN ATTATCHMENT. IT USES THE COMPUTER'S E-MAIL ADDRESS BOOK TO SEND COPIES OF ITSELF OUT TO MANY NEW COMPUTERS. THEN IT DESTROYS MAIN SYSTEM FILES WHICH RENDERS THE WINDOWS OPERATING SYSTEM USELESS ON SOMEONE'S COMPUTERS, WHICH ISN'T REALLY MUCH OF A LOSS IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT. IF WINDOWS WAS A BETTER OPERATING SYSTEM, IT WOULDN'T BE NEARLY SO VULNERABLY TO VIRUS ATTACKS. AND WINDOWS CRASHES SO OFTEN, I BELIEVE THAT HALF OF ALL POTENTIAL VIRUS ATTACKS ARE STOPPED IN THEIR TRACKS BECAUSE WINDOWS LOCKS UP AND FREEZES ALL OPEN PROGRAMS BEFORE THE VIRUS HAS A CHANCE TO EVEN RUN.

I NEVER REALLY GOT INTERESTED IN THE TOPIC OF COMPUTER VIRUSES UNTIL THEY STARTED COMING OUT WITH ALL OF THESE SEXUALLY PROVOCATIVE ONES. THESE VIRUS GUYS ARE REALLY APPEALING TO OUR INNATE HORNINESS. THEY ARE USING HIGH TECHNOLOGY TO APPEAL TO OUR LOWER INSTINCTS AND IT'S WORKING. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I FEEL LIKE I AM BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF.

SPEAKING OF HIGH TECHNOLOGY AND THE INTERNET, I'LL BET YOU ALL MADE BOATLOADS OF MONEY OFF OF HOT INTERNET STOCKS. I BET YOU CAN ALL RETIRE FROM YOUR BORING NINE TO FIVE JOBS NOW THAT YOU HAVE DISCOVERED THE NONSTOP MONEY PRODUCING, WEALTH CREATING STOCK MARKET. JUST PUT YOUR FUCKIN MONEY IN, BUY AT WHATEVER PRICE THE STOCKS ARE SELLING AT, AND THE LONG-TERM WILL REWARD YOU WITH OUTSTANDING YEARLY GAINS. BUY UP AND COMING DOT COM COMPANIES AND YOU CAN MAKE MONEY EVEN FASTER, FASTER THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE.

BUT THE DOT COMS ARE DYING NOW. THEY ARE DYING LIKE MOTHER FUCKERS. AS A GROUP, THEY WEREN'T MAKING MONEY AS IT WAS, BUT NOW THEY ARE LOSING MONEY AT AN ACCELERATED RATE, AND THERE IS NO LONGER A POOL OF WILLING SUCKERS, I MEAN INVESTORS, TO KEEP FUNDING THE OPERATIONS OF THESE COMPANIES. TOO MANY OF THESE COMPANIES ARE GOING AFTER THE SAME BUSINESS. IT'S VERY HARD TO MAKE MONEY THAT WAY. IT ALSO BECOMES TOO HARD TO GET FUNDED SINCE EVERYONE AND THEIR BROTHER HAVE A PROMISING STORY BUT NEED LOADS OF MONEY TO MAKE IT WORK OUT. AND WHAT SUCKS FOR YOU IS THAT AS THESE COMPANIES START DYING OFF OR SUFFERING BIGGER AND BIGGER LOSSES, YOUR STOCK PORTFOLIOS ARE SUFFEREING MAJOR LOSSES TOO.

THE COMPANIES THAT HAVE BEEN SPENDING THE MOST MONEY ARE THE ONE THAT ARE MAKING THE LEAST, IF THEY ARE MAKING ANY AT ALL, AND MANY OF THEM NEVER HAVE AND NEVER WILL. OF COURSE A LOT OF YOU OUT THERE HAVE BEEN DOING SOMETHING SIMILIAR. MANY OF YOU HAVE BEEN INVESTING THE MOST IN THE COMPANIES THAT ARE MAKING THE LEAST OR MAKING NOTHING AT ALL. YOU WERE BUYING ALL THIS SHIT BECAUSE THESE COMPANIES OFFERED A GREAT STORY OF ENDLESS MONEY AND INTERNET DOMINATION. YOU WERE BUYING THIS SHIT BECAUSE IT WAS GOING UP LIKE GANGBUSTERS FOR THE PAST FEW YEARS. IN OTHER WORDS, YOU WERE JUST FOLLOWING THE HERD. BUT KNOW THE HERD IS RUNNING OFF THE CLIFF, CARRIED BY THEIR OWN MOMENTUM, AND YOU ARE GOING WITH THEM. YOU GOTTA STOP FOLLOWING THE HERD AND LEARN TO THINK FOR YOURSELF, NOT JUST WITH FINANCES, BUT WITH LIFE.

HERE'S A STORY OF STUPIDITY FROM NEW ZEALAND. THEY SAY A SUCKER IS BORN EVERY MINUTE. I DON'T SAY THAT BUT OTHERS DO. WELL AN IMPORTANT CORRALLARY TO THIS SAYING IS THAT THERE'S A DUMBFUCK DYING EVERY MINUTE FROM HIS OWN STUPIDITY. IN NEW ZEALAND, THIS PRINCIPLE WAS DEMONSTRATED BY COLLEGE STUDENT, ANA LOUISE NORTH. SHE AND SOME LADY THAT SHE MET AT A BAR GOT THE GREAT STUPID IDEA OF GOING DOWN THE WORLD'S STEEPEST STREET - GET THIS, IN A GARBAGE BIN. SHE DIED WHEN THE GARBAGE BIN HIT A PARKED TRAILER AT HIGH SPEED. HER FRIEND WAS SEVERELY INJURED IN THE STUNT. LAST I HEARD, SHE HASN'T CROAKED YET.

I GUESS IF YOU ARE GOING TO RISK YOUR LIFE DOING SOMETHING PERFECTLY STUPID, YOU MIGHT AS WELL DO IT WHILE YOU HAVE MANY YEARS OF LIFE AHEAD OF YOU, DO IT WITH A WELL THOUGHT OUT IDEA, DO IT INSIDE A TRASH BIN, AND DO IT WITH SOMEONE WHO IS AS LACKING OF COMMON SENSE AS YOU ARE. THIS JUST SERVES TO ILLUSTRATE THE THIRD PRINCIPLE OF STUPIDITY - YOU CAN ONLY BE KILLED BY A MOTIONLESS OBJECT IF YOU SMASH INTO IT LIKE A DUMBFUCK.

THE LADY THAT BOUGHT THE FARM SHOULD BE NOMINATED FOR THE DARWIN AWARDS. THIS IS AN AWARD THAT IS GIVEN OUT YEARLY TO AN INDIVIDUAL WHO DOES THE MOST FOR THE GENE POOL BY REMOVING HIMSELF OR HERSELF FROM IT IN SOME STUPID, FUCKED UP WAY. IN OTHER WORDS, BY DYING FROM THEIR OWN INGENIOUS STUPIDITY.

AND FINALLY, IN SPORTS NEWS, COLLEGE BASKETBALL CONFERENCES AROUND THE COUNTRY HAD THEIR TOURNAMENTS THIS WEEKEND. IN THE MEN'S FINALS FOR THE BIG EAST CONFERENCE, WHICH I SOMETIMES CALL THE BIG YEAST, BOSTON COLLEGE SPANKED PITTSBURGH 79 -57. IN THE ACC CONFERENCE WHERE ACC IS THE FIRST THREE LETTERS OF THE WEST VIRGINIA ALPHABET, DUKE EASILY BEAT NORTH CAROLINA 79 - 53 FOR THEIR THIRD STRAIGHT CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP.

IN THE WAC CONFERENCE, THEY HAD THEIR TOURNAMENT THIS WEEKEND TOO. IN THE WAC OFF, HAWAII UNIVERSITY WON IN OVERTIME OVER TULSA 78 -72. HAWAII MADE IT TO THE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME OF THE WAC OFF BY UPSETTING TOP SEEDED FRESNO STATE THE DAY BEFORE. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW FRESNO WAS A STATE.

LINKS RELATED TO THIS WEEK'S WEAKLY COLLUM.

FUCKED COMPANY — THIS SITE IS THE PLACE TO GO TO HEAR ABOUT THE LATEST FAILURES, LAYOFFS, GRIPES PERTAINING TO INTERNET COMPANIES. PEEPLE GO HERE AND MAKE PREDICTIONS ABOUT WHICH COMPANIES WILL FAIL NEXT. IF YOU GO THERE AND FIND THE INTERNET COMPANY THAT YOU WORK FOR TALKED ABOUT AT LENGTH, THEN YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE A JOB NEXT MONTH. GO APPLY FOR UNEMPLOYMENT BENEFITS RIGHT NOW.

WEAKLY COLLUMS 2001

WEAKLY COLLUM MENU PAGE

DR SIMMONS MAIN PAGE

COPYRIGHT © 2001 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED