WEAKLY COLLUM # 0070
FOR MONDAY 03/26/2001
COPYRIGHT © 2001 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
WEAKLY COLLUM # 0070
FOR MONDAY 03/26/2001
DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.
LET ME START OFF WITH SOME BAD NEWS. CRIMINAL CRONY RAP STAR, PUFFY COMBS, WAS CLEARED OF ALL CHARGES RELATING TO A NIGHT CLUB SHOOTING THAT HE WAS INVOLVED WITH. AMONG THE LAWYERS HELPING PUFFY TO EVADE JUSTICE WAS JOHNNIE COCHRAN.
JOHNNIE COCHRAN SOLD HIS SOUL TO THE DEVIL LONG BEFORE HE CLEARED PUFFY'S BAD NAME. HE HELPED GET THAT HEISMAN QUALITY MURDERER, O.J. SIMPSON, CLEARED OF TWO BLOODY MURDERS THAT WE ALL KNOW HE COMMITTED.
HOW MANY GUILTY PEEPLE DOES THIS DICKHEAD LAWYER HAVE TO GET OFF BEFORE OUR SOCIETY REALIZES THAT THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH A MONEY FUELED LEGAL SYSTEM THAT IS SET UP TO GET GUILTY PEEPLE OFF IF THEY PAY THE RIGHT PRICE? FREEDOM FOR MONEY IS NOT HOW THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM SHOULD WORK. UNFORTUNATELY, THAT IS EXACTLY HOW IT DOES WORK IN THIS COUNTRY. WE NEED A JUSTICE SYSTEM WITH OBJECTIVITY AND INTEGRITY, NOT A JUSTICE SYSTEM WHERE PAYMENT OF MONEY REPLACES PAYMENT FOR CRIMES COMMITTED.
JUSTICE IS VALUABLE, BUT YOU SHOULDN'T BE ABLE TO BUY IT WITH MONEY. IN FACT, REAL JUSTICE CAN NOT BE BOUGHT. REAL JUSTICE IS GETTING WHAT YOU DESERVE FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE, AND NEITHER PUFFY NOR O.J. HAS GOTTEN THAT YET.
THERE IS ONE THING THAT YOU CAN SAY ABOUT THE CASE - THE JURY WAS FULL OF DUMBFUCKS. THERE I SAID IT. THEY AINT MUCH DIFFERENT THAN OTHER JURIES IN THIS COUNTRY (I.E. THE JURY AT O.J.'s CRIMINAL TRIAL). DO YOU KNOW WHY MOST JURIES ARE COMPOSED OF PEEPLE TOO SIMPLE TO BE ABLE TO THINK LOGICALLY? IT'S BECAUSE OUR COUNTRY IS SO FULL OF PEEPLE THAT ARE TOO FUCKIN SIMPLE TO BE ABLE TO THINK LOGICALLY. SIMPLE STATISTICS - THE SAMPLE IS REPRESENTATIVE OF THE POPULATION.
IN FOOD AND LIVESTOCK NEWS, COUNTRIES IN EUROPE ARE STILL SUFFERING FROM DEADLY DISEASES INFECTING THEIR COW POPULATIONS. MAD COW DISEASE AND FOOT AND MOUTH DISEASE ARE WIPING OUT TONS OF COWS. MAD COW DISEASE IS A BRAIN INFECTION WHICH IS SIMILIAR TO ENCEPHALITIS IN HUMANS AND A VARIANT OF THE DISEASE COULD LEAD TO ENCEPHALITIS IN THE HUMAN POPULATION. COWS HAVE BEEN SLAUGHTERED LEFT AND RIGHT TO KEEP THE DISEASE FROM SPREADING. IT IS TERRIBLE ALL THESE COWS SUFFERING LIKE THEY ARE. AND I HOPE STEAK PRICES DON'T GO WAY UP BECAUSE OF ALL THIS.
SO FAR, FOOT AND MOUTH DISEASE HAS MAINLY BEEN LIMITED TO YOUNGER CATTLE. THIS COMES FROM CALVES BEING CRAMMED SO TIGHTLY INTO SMALL CRATES THAT THEIR FEET OFTEN END UP IN THEIR MOUTHS. THIS ALL TO CREATE TASTY TENDER VEAL FOR US MEAT LOVERS.
WHY ARE ALL THESE COWS GETTING SO MAD? FOR ONE, THEY HAVE GROWN TIRED OF THEIR SPECIES ALWAYS GETTING EATEN UP FOR FOOD. THEY FEEL SO UNAPPRECIATED BY US HUMANS. THEY FEEL LIKE THEY ARE JUST A PIECE OF MEAT TO US. WE DON'T APPRECIATE THEM FOR THEIR MINDS. WE GET WHATEVER MILK WE CAN FROM THEM AND THEN WE EAT THEM UP.
AND IF THAT ISN'T ENOUGH, NOW THE TALIBAN OF AFGHANISTAN ARE SLAUGHTERING COWS TO MAKE UP FOR NOT DESTROYING ANCIENT STATUES OF BUDDHA QUICKLY ENOUGH FOR THEIR LIKING. PERSONALLY I DON'T SEE THE CONNECTION AND I AM SURE THAT THE COWS DON'T EITHER.
IN CASE YOU DON'T KNOW, THE TALIBAN IS A DERANGED BUNCH OF FUNDAMENTALIST DUMBFUCKS IN THE MIDDLE EAST. ON HUMAN RIGHTS, THEY ARE ABOUT THE MOST SCREWED UP PEEPLE ON EARTH. WOMEN HAVE TO WEAR FULL VEILS OVER THEIR FACE OR MEET WITH VIOLENT PUNISHMENT. THEY HAVE BEEN HARBORING TERRORISTS INCLUDING BIN LADEN.
THESE HOSTILE SICKOS HAVE BLOWN UP SOME BUDDHA STATUES THAT HAVE BEEN AROUND FOR MORE THAN 1500 YEARS. A BUNCH OF THE COUNTRY'S CLERICS DECIDED THAT THE STATUES HAD TO BE DESTROYED FOR RELIGIOUS REASONS BASED ON THE ISLAMIC FAITH. DON'T ASK WHAT THOSE REASONS ARE. IT JUST WON'T MAKE ANY SENSE TO RATIONAL BEINGS. THESE DELUSIONAL VIOLENT DUMBFUCKS TRIED TO BLOW UP THE STATUES WITH ANTI-AIRCRAFT ARTILLARY AND ROCKET LAUNCHERS. THEY EVENTUALLY SETTLED ON EXPLOSIVES PLACED ON THE STATUES.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY THINK THEY ACCOMPLISHED, BUT THE WORLD AINT GONNA ALL OF A SUDDEN BE A GRAND PLACE TO LIVE BECAUSE OF THE STATUES NO LONGER BEING AROUND. I GUESS ISLAMIC FUNDAMENTALIST DUMBFUCKS NEED SHIT LIKE THIS TO DO TO OCCUPY THEIR TIME.
I KNOW I'M GONNA PISS A FEW OF YOU OFF WHEN I SAY THIS, BUT I HATE SIMPLE PEEPLE. WHETHER THEY ARE PART OF A COUNTRY FULL OF SIMPLE PEEPLE OR JUST INDEPENDENTLY SIMPLE, I HATE EM ALL. I DON'T VALUE PEEPLE OR NATIONS THAT DON'T VALUE THE HUMAN RIGHTS OF OTHERS.
THESE GUYS ARE A SICK BUNCH OF MURDERERS. WE DON'T NEED PEEPLE LIKE THIS ON OUR PLANET. MAYBE WE COULD TALK RUSSIA INTO INVADING AFGHANISTAN AGAIN LIKE THEY DID AS PART OF THE SOVIET UNION TWENTY SOME YEARS AGO. THESE VIOLENT SICKOS DESERVE A GOOD ASS KICKING. IT'D SHAKE THE RELIGIOUS FUNDAMENTALISM VIOLENCE RIGHT THE FUCK OUT OF THEM. IF THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN, I WOULD SETTLE FOR THOSE VIOLENT MOTHER FUCKERS GETTING MAD COW DISEASE.
AND FINALLY, IN OUTER SPACE NEWS, THE RUSSIAN SPACE STATION MIR FELL TO EARTH. IT WAS ACCIDENTALLY SHOT OUT OF ORBIT BY THE TALIBAN OF AFGHANISTAN IN THEIR FANATICAL ATTEMPTS TO BLOW UP THE ANCIENT BUDDHA STATUES IN THEIR COUNTRY. THE MIR HAD BEEN RUSSIA'S PRIDE AND JOY FOR THE FIFTEEN YEARS THAT IT WAS IN SPACE ORBITING THE EARTH.
RUSSIA DECIDED TO DESTROY ITS SPACE STATION BY CRASHING IT INTO THE EARTH. IT ENDED UP SMASHING INTO THE PACIFIC OCEAN. NO WORD WAS GIVEN WHETHER THE STATION HAD BEEN EVACUATED PRIOR TO THE DESTRUCTION.
WHY DID THEY HAVE IT CRASH INTO THE EARTH? SO THAT IT DIDN'T CRASH INTO ANYTHING OUT IN SPACE. BETTER TO MAKE IT CRASH ON EARTH WHERE THERE IS MORE PEEPLE THAT COULD BE KILLED. RUMOR HAS IT THAT THE RUSSIANS WERE TRYING TO DO THE TALIBAN A FAVOR BY CRASHING THE SPACE STATION INTO THE BUDDHA STATUES, BUT IT WENT WAY OFF COURSE AND LANDED IN THE PACIFIC OCEAN.
THE RUSSIAN SPACE PROGRAM SHOULD HAVE ASKED NASA FOR HELP. NASA IS GREAT AT DESTROYING OR LOSING HIGH DOLLAR SPACE SHIPS WITH TRAGIC LOSS OF LIFE. NASA COULD HAVE MADE THE MIR DISAPPEAR INTO SPACE LIKE THEY DID WITH THE MARS POLAR LANDER. THAT WAS NASA AT ITS BEST.
THIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS OVER. NOW IT'S TIME FOR ME TO EAT SOME STEAK. I FRIED SOME UP WITH MUSHROOMS AND SOY SAUCE. COPYRIGHT © 2001 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED