WEAKLY COLLUM # 0072

FOR MONDAY 04/09/2001

DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.

BEFORE I GO INTO THE FUCKIN NEWS, I WANT TO SAY IN COMPLETE EMBARRASSMENT THAT I HAD A DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME ACCIDENT. AND IT WASN'T MY FIRST ONE EITHER. ALL DAY SUNDAY I TURNED THE CHANNELS ON THE FRICKEN TV TO WATCH THE SHOWS THAT I WANTED TO WATCH. I MISSED SEEING A FEW SHOWS THAT I THOUGHT WERE ON. A FEW OTHER SHOWS CAME ON AN HOUR EARLY. IT TOOK ME UNTIL MONDAY TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. AND I WASN'T THAT DRUNK EITHER.

IN THE NEWS, EVIL DICTATOR SLOBODAN MILOSEVIC WAS ARRESTED AFTER A BRIEF STANDOFF. HE IS UNDER ARREST FOR WAR CRIMES IN WHAT USED TO BE YUGOSLAVIA BEFORE IT COLLAPSED UNDER THE WEIGHT OF ITS OWN VIOLENCE, STUPIDITY, AND ETHNIC INTOLERANCE. BUT I THOUGHT SLOBBY HAD SAID SOMETHING TO THE EFFECT THAT HE WASN'T GOING TO BE TAKEN ALIVE. DARN! JUST ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF A CROOKED POLITICIAN NOT KEEPING HIS PROMISE.

IN GERMANY A TWENTY ONE YEAR OLD BITCH WENT NUTS AND STARTED BITING PEEPLE IN THE NECK LEFT AND RIGHT. SHE WAS SCREAMING THAT SHE WAS A VAMPIRE AND THAT SHE WAS THIRSTY. INSTEAD OF A BLOODY MARY SHE WANTED BLOOD. POLICE OFFICIALS TOOK HER TO THE LOONEY WARD. THEY FED HER BY THROWING RAW MEAT INTO HER PADDED ROOM. SHE WAS ABLE TO EAT IT WITHOUT THE USE OF HER HANDS.

I THINK THERE IS SOMETHING SEXY ABOUT A WOMAN BITING PEEPLE. (ASSUMING SHE ISN'T A TOTAL SKANK) A PRIMITIVE PART OF ME LIKES IT WHEN A PRETTY WOMAN BITES ME, AS LONG AS SHE DOESN'T DO IT TOO HARD. NOT MANY WOMEN ARE INTO BITING FOR SEXUAL REASONS ANY MORE. IT'S EVEN HARD TO FIND A HOOKER THAT WILL BITE YOU, UNLESS YOU AND THE HOOKER ARE BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER.

IN NUPTIAL NEWS, A JUST MARRIED COUPLE IN FLORIDA STARTED ACTING LIKE A MARRIED COUPLE SOONER THAN EXPECTED. A WOMAN WAS THROWN IN JAIL FOR ASSAULTING HER NEW HUSBAND AFTER AN ARGUMENT OVER WEDDING GIFTS, YES WEDDING GIFTS. THE WOMAN PUNCHED HER NEW HUSBAND IN THE FACE AND THEN KICKED HIM AFTER HE WAS ON THE GROUND. SHE WAS LATER RELEASED ON $5000 BAIL. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS COUPLE? DON'T THEY KNOW THAT THEY AREN'T SUPPOSED TO FIGHT UNTIL AFTER THE HONEYMOON. I'LL BET YOU THEY MET EACH OTHER ON THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW. THESE PEEPLE SEEM SIMPLE LIKE THAT.

ACTUALLY I THINK THAT THIS INCIDENT IS MORE INDICATIVE OF WHAT MARRIAGE DOES TO PEEPLE. TWO PEEPLE START OFF IN LOVE AND DECIDE TO GET MARRIED TO CELEBRATE THEIR LOVE SINCE BEING TOGETHER WITHOUT BEING MARRIED ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM, OR THEY SUCCUMB TO THE SOCIAL PRESSURES OF SOCIETY. THINGS OFTEN GO DOWNHILL IN THE MARRIAGE, USUALLY, THOUGH, IT TAKES MORE THAN A DAY. THE MARRIAGE OVER TIME MAY CAUSE ALL KINDS OF DAMAGE. IT CAN AND OFTEN DOES EVERYTHING FROM RUINING OR MONOTONIZING ONE'S SEX LIFE OVER THE LONG TERM TO WEARING ONE OR BOTH PARTNERS OUT WITH CHILDREN TO SEXUAL MONOGAMY TO A SURRENDER OF INDEPENDENT CONTROL OF YOUR OWN ASSETS AND OFTEN ENDING IN DIVORCE.

AND FINALLY, IN INTERNATIONAL NEWS, THERE WAS ANOTHER U.S. MILITARY SCREWUP RESULTING IN THE LOSS OF LIFE. A NAVY SPY PLANE CRASHED INTO A CHINESE FIGHTER PLANE KILLING ITS PILOT OVER THE WATERS AROUND CHINA. THIS ON APRIL FOOLS DAY.

DIDN'T THE NAVY JUST SINK A JAPANESE FISHING BOAT A FEW MONTHS AGO? AND LAST MONTH, DIDN'T THEY BOMB THEIR OWN SOLDIERS OVER IN KUWAIT? I THINK THEY DID. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? THE NAVY MUST BE FULL OF WOMEN DRIVERS.

NOW THE U.S. DOESN'T WANT TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE ACCIDENT. AND CHINA IS PISSED OFF AT THAT. AND THEY HAVE A RIGHT TO BE. THEY WANT AN APOLOGY FROM THE U.S. GOVERNMENT AND THEY SHOULD GIVE IT TO THEM.

IF A CHINESE SPY PLANE CRASHED INTO A U.S. PLANE KILLING THE PILOT WHILE NEAR OUR SHORES, WE WOULD BE PRETTY MAD. THE MILITARY FUCKED UP AND SHOULD ADMIT THAT. IT ISN'T THE FIRST TIME, FAR FROM IT. WHATEVER STATESMAN IS IN CHARGE WITH APOLOGIZING FOR THESE TYPE OF FUCK UPS SHOULD DO THAT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. WE CAN NOT GAIN ANY CREDIBILITY WITH THE CHINESE OR WITH OTHER NATIONS WHICH WE ARE TRYING TO ENCOURAGE ON HUMAN RIGHTS ISSUES IF WE CAN'T ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR OUR OWN BLUNDERS, ESPECIALLY THE ONES THAT RESULT IN THE LOSS OF LIFE.

IF I WERE THE CHINESE, I WOULD BE EVEN MORE UPSET THAN THEY ARE OVER THIS INCIDENT. THE ONLY REASON THEY AREN'T AS UPSET IS THAT THEY HAVE A POPULATION PROBLEM AND THIS INCIDENT HELPS LESSEN THAT PROBLEM IF ONLY BY ONE PERSON. IT'S ONE LESS FORCED ABORTION FOR A YOUNG CHINESE WOMAN AT THE HANDS OF THE HEARTLESS IMMORAL CHINESE GOVERNMENT OR ONE LESS PROTESTER THAT THEY WILL HAVE RUN OVER BY TANKS IN TIANANMEN SQUARE.

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