WEAKLY COLLUM # 0073

FOR MONDAY 04/16/2001
DR SIMMONS FACE

DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.

IN INTERNATIONAL NEWS, THE CHINESE AMERICAN SPY PLANE STANDOFF HAS ENDED. THIS WEEK THE CHINESE DECIDED TO LET THE AMERICAN CREW GO. WITH THE NAVY SINKING OF A JAPANESE FISHING BOAT AND THE NAVY'S SELF BOMBING IN KUWAIT STILL FRESH IN THEIR MIND, THEY WANTED TO GET THEM THE HELL OUT OF THEIR COUNTRY BEFORE THEY DID ANY MORE DAMAGE.

THE CHINESE STILL HAVEN'T RECOVERED THE BODY OF THEIR MISSING FIGHTER PILOT PRESUMED TO BE DEAD. I GUESS SOME SHARK WAS DINING OUT ON CHINESE FOOD.

IT WAS REVEALED THAT THE SPY PLANE MADE MANY MAYDAY CALLS DURING THE INCIDENT. I THINK THIS IS INDICATIVE OF THE PROBLEM. IT WAS APRIL FOOLS NOT MAY DAY. APRIL 1 VS MAY 1 CHINA TIME. THEY WERE OFF BY AN ENTIRE MONTH. EVEN WITH DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME, THEY WERE WAY OFF.

IT WAS ALSO REVEALED THAT THE NAVY SPY PLANE WAS ON AUTO PILOT. THAT MEANS THAT A CAR WAS DRIVING THE PLANE. I GUESS THEY THOUGHT IT WOULD BE BETTER THAN LETTING ONE OF THE NAVY PILOTS OR A GUEST CIVILIAN TAKE THE WHEEL. IF IT WAS ON AUTO PILOT, THAT COULD EXPLAIN THE TIME DIFFERENCE. SOMEONE MAY HAVE SET THE ODOMETER FORWARD BY ONE MONTH.

IN TOTALLY UNRELATED NEWS, THERE WAS A LITTLE TUSSLE BETWEEN HOSTESSES ON HIGH SPEED TRAINS IN SPAIN (TRAIN STEWARDESSES) AND THE "SPANISH HIGH SPEED" TRAIN SERVICE. A HIGHER COURT (SMOKED MORE MARIJUANA) OVERRULED A LOWER COURT DECISION WHICH UPHELD A COMPLAINT BY THE WOMEN ABOUT THE DRESS CODE WHICH REQUIRED THEM TO WEAR SHORT SKIRTS.

THE HIGHER COURT DEEMED THAT THE RULE WAS NOT SEXIST. OF COURSE IT ISN'T SEXIST. IF THESE WOMEN DON'T LIKE WORKING WITH THEIR LEGS SHOWING, THEN THEY DON'T HAVE TO WORK THERE. IN FACT, THEY SHOULD HAVE TO WORK NAKED JUST FOR COMPLAINING SO MUCH.

WE DON'T NEED WOMEN THAT AREN'T HAPPY WITH THEIR SEXUALITY WORKING IN EXCITING OCCUPATIONS SUCH AS BEING A STEWARDESS WHERE SEXUALITY IS SUCH AN IMPORTANT PART OF THE JOB. THEY CAN STAY HOME AND TAKE CARE OF THE CHILDREN SINCE THERE IS NOT MUCH LESS EXCITING THAN THAT. THEY SHOULD BE HAPPY TO HAVE A JOB WHERE THEY CAN SHOW OFF WHAT THEY HAVE. AS MAE WEST SAID "IT'S BETTER TO BE LOOKED OVER ... THAN OVERLOOKED."

IN EROTIC DANCER DISCRIMINATION NEWS, SOME DICKHEAD COLLEGE COACH KICKED A WOMAN OFF OF HIS TRACK TEAM BECAUSE SHE WORKS AS AN EXOTIC DANCER TO PAY FOR HER EDUCATION. LEILANI RIOS, A SOPHOMORE AT CAL STATE FULLERTON, WAS TOLD SHE HAD TO GIVE UP HER SEXY DANCING JOB IF SHE WANTED TO STAY ON THE TRACK TEAM UNDER THE MORALISTIC COACH. SHE CHOSE HER JOB INSTEAD.

WHAT KIND OF ASS HOLE IS THAT COACH? WHO THE FUCK DOES HE THINK HE IS TRYING TO MAKE CAREER CHOICES FOR OTHER PEEPLE. LET LELIANI RIOS MAKE HER OWN CAREER DECISIONS. SHE AINT HURTING NO ONE; SO HER DICKHEAD COACH SHOULD HAVE JUST LEFT HER THE FUCK ALONE.

THE EVENT IS A PURE DOUBLE STANDARD. THE COACH FOUND OUT ABOUT HER DANCING WHEN MEMBERS OF THE MALE BASEBALL TEAM SAW HER SHOWING HER BOOTY. THEY DIDN'T GET INTO ANY TROUBLE. NOT THAT THEY SHOULD, BUT SHE SHOULDN'T EITHER. WE SHOULD BE CELEBRATING EXOTIC DANCERS, NOT OSTRACIZING THEM.

SHE IS SWEET LOOKING TOO. MAYBE IF SHE WOULD HAVE GAVE HER COACH SOME ASS, HE WOULD HAVE LET HER STAY ON THE TEAM. HE PROBABLY WANTED HER AND KNEW HE COULD NEVER GET ANY FROM HER. GOOD LOOKING BOOTY LIKE THAT IS HARD TO GET. I'D GLADLY GIVE HER A DOLLAR TIP FOR HER TO DANCE IN FRONT OF MY FACE CLOSE ENOUGH FOR ME TO GET A GOOD WIFF OF THAT PUSSY. I'LL PROBABLY HAVE TO SETTLE FOR SEEING HER PICTURES IN PLAYBOY MAGAZINE WHICH IS DOING A PHOTO SPREAD ON HER. I CAN STILL WACK OFF TO THAT.

IN OTHER PLAYBOY RELATED NEWS, THEY ARE HAVING ANOTHER BABES POLL. A FEW MONTH AGO YOU HAD THE CHANCE TO VOTE ON THE BEST LOOKING SPORTS REPORTER BABE. NOW THAT THE STOCK MARKET IS IN A BEAR MARKET, THEY DECIDED THAT A GOOD WAY TO RELIVE SOME OF THE TENSION OF WATCHING ALL OF YOUR MONEY DISAPPEAR A LITTLE AT A TIME WOULD BE TO ALLOW YOU TO CHOSE THE BEST LOOKING FINANCIAL REPORTER BABE. THAT IS VERY CONSIDERATE OF THEM, ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING THE MILLIONS OF HORNY MEN OUT THERE THAT ARE GETTING THE LIVING SHIT KICKED OUT OF THEM BY THE STOCK MARKET, ESPECIALLY BY THE "MORE PROMISE THAN REALITY" INTERNET STOCKS.

THE POLL ENDS ON MAY 1. THE FINANCIAL BABES TO VOTE ON ARE :

SOME WOMEN ARE UPSET WITH THE COMPETITION BECAUSE THEY DON'T LIKE THEIR FELLOW WOMEN BEING VIEWED AS SEX OBJECTS. THEY WANT THEM TO BE VIEWED IN THEIR ENTIRITY AS A PERSON. BUT THAT AINT GONNA HAPPEN. HOW CAN YOU RESPECT THESE WOMEN FOR THEIR ENTIRE BEING WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW THEIR ENTIRE BEING? YOU ONLY SEE THEM ON TV FOR A FEW MINUTES.

BUT MEN, IN FACT, ARE NOT LOOKING AT WOMEN ONLY PHYSICALLY. IN THE CONTEXT OF THIS PLAYBOY POLL THEY ARE, BUT IN OTHER CONTEXTS THEY INTERACT WITH WOMEN ON MANY DIFFERENT LEVELS. IT'S JUST SOMETIMES MEN WANT TO DO SOMETHING WHERE THEY CAN LOOK AT WOMEN ONLY ON A PHYSICAL LEVEL. THIS POLL IS ONE OF THOSE THINGS.

IF YOU WANT TO LOOK AT IT ANOTHER WAY, WOMEN DON'T RESPECT US FOR OUR MINDS. IT'S OUR MINDS THAT CONTROL OUR SEXUAL DESIRES AND MAKE US WANT TO SEE WOMEN AS SEX OBJECTS SOMETIMES. WOMEN SHOULD RESPECT THAT.

WOMEN DON'T RESPECT MEN FOR THEIR MINDS. IF THEY DID, THEN THEY WOULD REALIZE THAT APPRECIATING A WOMAN'S SEXUALITY AND PHYSICAL BEAUTY IS WHAT A MAN'S MIND DOES BEST. THAT IS THE BASIC NATURE OF MEN, LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT. THAT IS WHY WE HAVE BRAINS.

MEN AREN'T THAT INSECURE ABOUT THEIR SEXUALITY AND THEIR PHYSICAL APPEAL LIKE MANY WOMEN ARE. MEN DON'T THINK THAT IF WOMEN LOOK AT THEM IN A SEXUAL MANNER THEN THEY DON'T SEE THEIR INTELLIGENCE OR ANYTHING ELSE ABOUT THEM. AT THE THOUGHT OF WOMEN LOOKING AT NAKED MEN OR THINKING ABOUT THEM ONLY IN A PHYSICAL SENSE, I DON'T FEEL INSECURE. I DON'T WONDER WHY WOMAN ARE TREATING MEN LIKE OBJECTS AND ONLY LOOKING AT THEM PHYSICALLY. THAT IS JUST THE CONTEXT MEN FIND THEMSELVES BEING VIEWED IN SOMETIMES.

WHY DO MEN WANT TO FOCUS ON THE PHYSICAL ASPECT OF WOMEN MORE THAN OTHER PARTS OF THEIR ESSENCE? BECAUSE THAT IS THEIR BEST ATTRIBUTE BY FAR. IF IT WASN'T FOR PUSSY AND TITS, A LOT OF MEN WOULD HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH WOMEN. AND WOMEN KNOW THIS IS TRUE. THAT IS WHY THEY DRESS TO ACCENTUATE WHAT THEY GOT OR BUY COSMETICS, FANCY CLOTHES, OR HAVE BOOB JOBS IF THEY DON'T GOT IT.

BUT MANY WOMEN CAN'T STAND THE IDEA OF BEING VIEWED IN A PHYSICAL CONTEXT EVEN THOUGH MOST WOMEN ARE VERY VAIN ABOUT THEIR APPEARANCE. THEY WEAR UNHEALTHY HIGH HEAL SHOES AND WASTE ALL KINDS OF MONEY ON COSMETICS TO GET THEM THROUGH THE DAY. AND YET THEY COMPLAIN WHEN JUDGEMENT ABOUT THEIR APPEARANCE IS MADE OVERT. WHAT KIND OF FUCKUPPEDNESS IS THAT? THIS IS PURE ILLOGICAL BULL SHIT. THESE WOMEN AINT GETTING THE RIGHT DICK IN THEM. THAT IS WHY THEY ARE SO UPTIGHT ABOUT ALL THIS. WOMEN THAT ARE GETTING PROPERLY DICKED RARELY COMPLAIN LIKE THESE WOMEN ARE. THEY ARE MUCH MORE SEXUALLY SECURE.

IT'S THE SEXUALLY INSECURE WOMEN THAT COMPLAIN ABOUT MEN NOT RESPECTING THEIR MINDS. HOW CAN WE RESPECT WOMEN FOR THEIR MINDS WHEN THEY ARE ALWAYS BRINGING UP STUPID SHIT LIKE THIS? THIS IS SO ANTI INTELLECTUAL. THESE WOMEN NEED TO RESPECT MEN FOR THEIR SEXUALITY AND THEIR ABILITY TO VIEW WOMEN FROM MANY DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES, EVEN IF IT AINT ALWAYS THE PERSPECTIVE FROM WHICH THEY WANT TO BE VIEWED.

IF WOMEN WANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY BY MEN, THEN THEY SHOULD SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT BULLSHIT LIKE THIS. I RESPECT WOMEN THE MOST WHO ARE NOT INTO WHINING ABOUT SHIT LIKE THIS. WOMEN WHO KNOW THAT MEN LIKE TO LOOK AT THEM, WOMEN THAT CAN HANDLE DIRTY JOKES, WOMEN THAT LIKE PORNOGRAPHY AND CASUAL SEX ARE THE ONES THAT I RESPECT THE MOST.

I DON'T BELIEVE IN TREATING WOMEN BADLY, BUT LOOKING AT THEM SEXUALLY IS NOT TREATING THEM THAT WAY. WE ARE JUST GETTING OUR KICKS. NOTHING FUCKING WRONG WITH THAT. SURE WOMEN WANT TO BE SEEN IN THEIR TOTALITY AT EVERY SINGLE OPPORTUNITY. BUT THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. I APPRECIATE WOMEN FOR THEIR INTELLIGENCE AND THEIR INSIGHTS AND THEIR CARING PERSONALITIES, BUT WHEN I HAVE A BONER, ALL OF THAT IS SECONDARY TO THEIR SEXUALITY.

THIS WEEK'S COLUMN IS DONE. I AM GOING TO LOOK UP SOME PORN NOW. I WANT TO GET A WELL ROUNDED VIEW OF DIFFERENT WOMEN. I WANT TO SEE THEIR PUSSIES, THEIR ASSES, AND THEIR TITS.

LINKS RELATED TO THIS WEEK'S WEAKLY COLLUM.

PLAYBOY ONLINE — GO HERE TO VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE FINANCIAL NEWS BABE. THEN LOOK AROUND THE REST OF THE SITE, FIND SOMETHING THAT YOU REALLY LIKE, AND JERK OFF TO A HAPPY ENDING.

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