WEAKLY COLLUM # 0074

FOR MONDAY 04/23/2001

DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.

I'VE BEEN DRINKING A LOT OF BEERS TODAY SO I AM READY TO START MY COLUMN FOR THIS WEEK. I JUST TOOK A MASSIVE PISS SO THAT I WOULDN'T BE DISTRACTED BY GENITAL PAINS CAUSED BY MOTHER NATURE.

I PISSED FOR ABOUT TWO MINUTES. I MADE A HELL OF A LOT OF BUBBLES IN THE TOILET. I HAVE NEVER SEEN SO MANY BUBBLES IN THE TOILET BEFORE, AND THESE WERE DECENT SIZE BUBBLES. I SWEAR I HAD SEVENTY PERCENT OF THE WATER SURFACE COVERED WITH THE BUBBLES THAT I CREATED FROM MY TWO MINUTES OF PISSING. NOW THAT IS GOOD.

WHEN I GOT BACK FROM THE BATHROOM, THERE WAS A REAL GOOD COMMERCIAL ON THE TUBE. IT WAS A BEER COMMERCIAL. I CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH BRAND. THEY WERE DOING A PUBLIC SERVICE TYPE ANNOUNCEMENT. THEY HAD A SCENE AT A BAR WHERE THE BARTENDER SAID THAT THEY DON'T SERVE MINORS. THERE WAS A GROUP OF COAL MINERS THAT WALKED AWAY DISAPPOINTED. I JUST LAUGHED MY ASS OFF. I WAS TOTALLY NOT EXPECTING THAT. I WAS LAUGHING LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER. THEN I THOUGHT TO MYSELF "IF YOU LAUGH TOO HARD AT THIS COMMERCIAL BECAUSE YOU ARE DRUNK AS SHIT, THEN YOU PROBABLY SHOULD CUT DOWN ON YOUR DRINKING." I STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO CUT DOWN ON MY DRINKING.

THEY ARE CELEBRATING EARTH DAY ON SUNDAY (APRIL 22). I DON'T SEE WHAT THE BIG DEAL IS. THE EARTH IS JUST A MEDIOCRE PLANET. SURE, IT HAS OXYGEN AND WATER. BUT IT ALSO HAS EARTH QUAKES AND TORNADOES AND VIRUSES AND TOO MANY BUGS. AND THE WEATHER KEEPS GOING FROM ONE EXTREME TO ANOTHER. THE EARTH IS MORE THAN HALF COVERED WITH WATER AND MOST OF IT HAS SALT IN IT. WHAT GOOD IS THAT? I AM NOT OVERLY IMPRESSED WITH THE EARTH. NOT AT ALL.

CHANGING TOPIC, IN RELIGIOUS SWIMWEAR NEWS, THERE IS AN UPROAR OVER A NEW MEXICO MUSEUM DISPLAYING A PAINTING OF THE VIRGIN MARY - WEARING A BIKINI. THAT'S FUCKED UP AND FUNNY. A PROTEST WAS ORGANIZED TO PREVENT THE PICTURE FROM BEING DISPLAYED IN THE MUSEUM. STATE AUTHORITIES IN NEW MEXICO ARE CONSIDERING WHETHER TO ENACT CENSORSHIP OR NOT.

THE PROTEST WAS LED BY CATHOLICS WHO ARE THE MOST LAID BACK PEEPLE IN THE WORLD. THIS GROUP OF UPTIGHT MORALISTIC PROTESTERS ARE HAVING A FIT OVER A PAINTING THAT SOMEONE HAS THE RIGHT TO PAINT AND A MUSEUM HAS THE RIGHT TO DISPLAY, BUT THEY DON'T REACT AT ALL WHEN REPORT AFTER REPORT COMES OUT ABOUT PRIESTS MOLESTING CHILDREN AND OTHER CHURCH LEADERS RAPING AND SEXUALLY ASSAULTING NUNS. (I COVER SOME OF THESE ATTROCITIES IN EARLIER WEAKLY COLLUMS.) THESE PEEPLE SHOULD GET THEIR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT. WHAT IS WORSE, SEXUAL ASSAULT ON WOMEN AND CHILDREN BY CHURCH LEADERS OR A PICTURE THAT CONVEYS IDEAS THAT OFFEND SOME PEEPLE. WHICH ONE IS THE REAL HARMFUL ACT THAT WE SHOULDN'T TOLERATE? THINK ABOUT IT.

IN PORNOGRAPHY ON THE INTERNET NEWS, YAHOO! PLANNED TO SELL PORNOGRAPHY AND THEN CHANGED ITS MIND. IT SEEMS THAT THEY COULDN'T HANDLE THE PRESSURE. LIKE THE SILLY PEEPLE WHO PROTEST PAINTINGS THAT THEY DON'T LIKE, THERE ARE A BUNCH OF SIMPLE PEEPLE WHO WERE COMPLAINING ABOUT YAHOO! SELLING TAPES AND DVD's SHOWING HORNY MEN AND WOMEN GOING AT IT. THEY WERE COMPLAINING ABOUT SOMETHING THAT IS NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS. THE PEEPLE WHO SHOULD DECIDE WHAT GETS SOLD AT THEIR OPERATION ARE THE PEEPLE WHO RUN IT. IF THE CUSTOMERS DON'T LIKE SOMETHING THAT IS FOR SALE, THEN THEY DON'T HAVE TO BUY IT OR EVEN GO TO THE SECTION WHERE IT IS SOLD. THEY DON'T HAVE TO RUIN IT FOR THE REST OF US BY TRYING TO MAKE THE WORLD PERFECTLY RIGHT IN THEIR SUBJECTIVE EYES.

I WAS HOPING THAT YAHOO! WOULD HOLD FIRM, BUT YOU NEED A STRONG BACKBONE TO DO THAT. YAHOO! DOESN'T HAVE ONE. THESE MORALISTS DON'T HAVE ENOUGH CLOUT TO MAKE A DENT IN YAHOO!'s SALES, BUT YAHOO! GAVE IN ANYWAY.

WHAT IS FUNNY IS THAT YOU CAN STILL ACCESS PORN THROUGH THEIR SITE. THEY PROVIDE MANY MANY LINKS TO SITES DISPLAYING AND SELLING PORN THROUGH THEIR DIRECTORY AND INDIRECTLY THROUGH THEIR SEARCH ENGINE WHICH DOES NOT AUTOMATICALLY BLOCK ADULT CONTENT. YESTERDAY I WAS GOING THROUGH THEIR DIRECTORY AND I LOOKED UP PICTURES OF NAKED ASIAN WOMEN. I WENT TO SEVERAL SITES WITH INDIAN WOMEN AND INDONESIAN WOMEN. I SAW ACTUAL BOOTY PICTURES TOO. THERE WERE SEVERAL CLOSEUPS OF A WOMAN'S COOTER. THERE WERE PICTURES OF ASIAN WOMEN BEING FUCKED. I DOWNLOADED A BUNCH OF THEM.

I FUCKIN E-MAILED YAHOO! AND TOLD THEM THAT THAT I DIDN'T APPROVE OF THEIR CAVING IN TO THE MORALISTIC FORCES OF OUR SOCIETY INSTEAD OF STICKING WITH THEIR ORIGINAL PLAN TO SELL PORNO TAPES AND DVD's DIRECTLY. BELOW IS A COPY OF THE LETTER I SENT THEM ON FRIDAY, APRIL 20, 2001.

YOU ALL AT YAHOO! ARE CHICKEN FOR NOT FOLLOWING THROUGH WITH YOUR GOOD IDEA TO SELL PORN THROUGH YOUR PORTAL. YOU ARE AFRAID OF A FEW LOUD MOUTH MORALISTS. YOU NEED TO BE ABLE TO MAKE MONEY IN THIS DIFFICULT FINANCIAL INTERNET ENVIRONMENT. YOU HAD A GOOD IDEA BUT YOU CHICKENED OUT. NOW YOUR STOCK HOLDERS WILL HAVE LESS OF A CHANCE TO GET HALF OR A THIRD OF THEIR ORIGINAL INVESTMENT BACK IN YOUR STOCK. YOU MADE YOUR BED, NOW YOU GOTTA SLEEP IN IT.

DOCTER ARTEUS SIMMONS

I TOLD THEM OFF. BUT I'LL BET YA IT FALLS ON DEAF EARS. THEY DON'T WANT TO LISTEN TO SOMEONE BRILLIANT AND INSIGHTFUL LIKE ME. THEY WANT TO PLAY IT SAFE. BUT THIS WORLD AINT SAFE SO YOU GOTTA GO OUT ON A LIMB SOMETIMES. DON'T TAKE STUPID CHANCES, BUT IF YOU SEE A GOOD OPPORTUNITY, THEN FUCKIN TAKE IT. THIS WORLD IS ESPECIALLY NOT SAFE RIGHT NOW FOR INTERNET COMPANIES THAT HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO MAKE A LOT OF MONEY DESPITE THE TREMENDOUS GROWTH AND POWER OF THE INTERNET OVER THE PAST FEW YEARS. A COMPANY THAT PASSES UP ONE OR TWO GOOD OPPORTUNITIES TO MAKE MONEY MAY END UP BEING INTERNET ROADKILL A FEW YEARS FROM NOW. WILL YAHOO! BE ONE OF THEM?

HORNY LINKS RELATED TO THIS WEEK'S WEAKLY COLLUM.

THE YAHOO SYSTEM ALREADY PROVIDES ACCESS TO PORNOGRAPHY THROUGH THEIR SEARCH ENGINE AND THROUGH THEIR DIRECTORY. GO TO YAHOO! AND LOOK UP PORN ON THEIR SEARCH ENGINE. USE SEARCH TERMS SUCH AS : SEX, PUSSY, CUNTS, CLITS, TITTIES, TEENAGE PUSSY, YOUNG BABES, DILDO, CUNNILINGUS, FELLATIO, BLOW JOBS, ORAL, ANAL, CUM, DR SIMMONS THE GREAT STUD, REDHEAD, PENTHOUSE, PLAYBOY, PLAYBOY BUNNY, NATURISM, BIKINI, MIDGET PORNO, BIZARRE, FISTING, KINKY, FETISH, FOOT FETISH, TRANSVESTITE, SHEMALES, GAY, LESBIAN, SHAVED, HAIRY, BIG TITS, SMALL TITS - WHATEVER YOUR PREFERENCE IS.

YAHOO! — SEARCH FOR PORNO THERE UNTIL YOU ARE BLUE IN THE FACE. THEN E-MAIL THEM AND TELL THEM ALL THE GOOD STUFF THAT YOU FOUND.

DR SIMMONS PORNOGRAPHY LINKS PAGE — OR YOU CAN GO TO MY PORNO LINKS PAGE. I HAVE LINKS TO SEX SITES, NUDE ART, NUDIST SITES, AND OTHER STUFF LIKE THAT.

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