WEAKLY COLLUM # 0075

FOR MONDAY 04/30/2001

DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.

THIS WEEK WILL BE THE START OF THE SECOND ANNUAL FORNICATE FOR A CURE FOR HERPES. FROM MAY ONE TO MAY SEVEN, YOU CAN GET ALL KINDS OF PUSSY FROM PRETTY FEMALE VOLUNTEERS FOR ONLY A TEN DOLLAR DONATION. I GOT ALL KINDS OF ASS AT LAST YEAR'S EVENT. I WISH I COULD TELL YOU WHERE IT IS AT, BUT THIS SHIT IS ILLEGAL IN MOST STATES SO I WILL KEEP THE LOCATION ON THE DL.

I CAN'T WAIT FOR THIS WONDERFUL EVENT OF FORNICATION, I MEAN CHARITY, TO HAPPEN. I EXCITED. I'M GETTING PSYCHED UP BY DRINKING. AND DRINKING NOT JUST ANYTHING. BUT VODKA. YES VODKA.

I AINT USED TO VODKA. THAT SHIT USUALLY KICKS MY ASS. I DON'T GET THE RIGHT BUZZ AND IT FUCKS ME UP PHYSICALLY - DEFINITELY A NEGATIVE RISK REWARD RATIO. AFTER DRINKING VODKA AND OTHER STRONG SHIT LIKE THAT, I USUALLY FEEL LIKE TINA TURNER AFTER IKE TURNER KICKED THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF HER.

BUT I HAVE A GOOD REASON WHY I AM DRINKING VODKA. I GOT A TALKING VODKA BOTTLE. YES, A TALKING VODKA BOTTLE. IT'S FROM RUSSIA. I AM DRINKING WITH GOOD FRIEND GENE AND WITH MY DOGS RETARD AND BONG BONG. AND WE ARE CHASING THE VODKA DOWN WITH BEERS.

I JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE TALKING VODKA BOTTLE A FEW DAYS AGO. BUT YOU KNOW I HAD TO GET ONE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. ACTUALLY I GOT TWENTY. I CAN GET A LOT OF WOMEN DRUNK AND OUT OF THEIR PANTS WITH THAT MUCH VODKA. BUT TODAY WE ARE JUST DOING THAT MALE BONDING THING.

DMITRI ZHURIN, A RUSSIAN WITH AN AMERICAN SOUNDING NAME, INVENTED THE VODKA GENIE. IT FIGURES THAT THIS TALKING VODKA BOTTLE WOULD BE INVENTED BY A RUSSIAN. THEY HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN TO INVENT TALKING VODKA BOTTLES AND THEN DRINK OUT OF THEM.

HEY, GOOD FRIEND GENE, DON'T HOG THE BOTTLE. MY GLASS IS COMPLETELY EMPTY. AND POUR SOME MORE FOR MY DOGS TOO.

EVERY WEEK I AM REPORTING THE NEWS FOR YOU (USUALLY A WEEK OR TWO AFTER IT HAPPENS). WELL, I FOUND A NEW SOURCE OF NEWS THAT REALLY GOT MY ATTENTION. IN FACT, I AM AT ATTENTION RIGHT NOW IN MY PANTS. IT IS CALLED "NAKED NEWS". THE PEEPLE THAT DO THE NEWS ARE NAKED, ALL FOR THE VIEWER'S PLEASURE.

THE ANCHOR IS THE BEAUTIFUL VICTORIA SINCLAIR. I FELT A HUGE RUSH THE FIRST TIME I WATCHED THE NAKED NEWS AND SAW HER START OFF WITH A RED OUTFIT AND SLOWLY REMOVE IT AS SHE TALKED ABOUT WHAT WAS HAPPENING IN THE WORLD. I ALWAYS GET A REAL NEWSWORTHY BONER WHEN SHE STARTS STRIPPING AS SHE DISCUSSES VARIOUS CURRENT EVENTS. I'M GONNA TURN IT ON NOW TO SEE SOME FINE BOOTY, I MEAN FIND OUT WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THE WORLD.

THE SHOW IS VERY AROUSING AND INFORMATIVE TODAY. OUR FOUR PROTAGONISTS ARE AROUSED LIKE CRAZY. BOTH RETARD AND BONG BONG ARE AIR FUCKING.

HEY DON'T DO THAT. I DON'T WANT ANYTHING COMING OUT OF YOU TO SPLATTER ON ME. RETARD STOPS AIR FUCKING BUT BONG BONG KEEPS ON GOING. I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT IN FRONT OF US. HE KEEPS ON GOING. OK, JUST TURN YOUR BODY TO THE SIDE SO THAT YOU DON'T SPLATTER THE REST OF US.

NOW THE BOTTLE STARTS TALKING. "VICTORIA SINCLAIR, I WANT TO PENTRATE YOU WITH MY LONG NECK. I WANT TO PUT MY RUSSIAN LOVE NOZZLE INTO YOUR NEWSWORTHY HOLE. I WANT TO INVADE YOUR CUNT LIKE THE RUSSIANS INVADED CHECHNYA." THE VODKA GENIE IS HORNY ALSO.

LET ME TALK ABOUT CURRENT EVENTS NOW IF I CAN KEEP MY FOCUS. A MAN IN FAIRFAX COUNTY VIRGINIA HAS BEEN THROWN IN JAIL FOR CRIMES HAVING TO DO WITH HIS GOLF COURSE. I KNOW YOU ALL ARE TRYING TO IMAGINE WHAT CRIMES I AM TALKING ABOUT. DID HE MOLEST LITTLE KIDS THERE? NO. DID HE SWINDLE CUSTOMERS? NO. DID HE DEAL WITH CORRUPT GOVERNMENT BEAUROCRATS? YEAH BUT NOT BY HIS CHOICE.

JOHN THOBURN WAS THROWN IN JAIL BECAUSE HE DIDN'T PLANT ENOUGH TREES ON HIS GOLF COURSE. WHAT? IS THAT A CRIME? APPARENTLY IT IS IN THE BACKWARDS ASS COUNTY OF FAIRFAX. HE HAS BEEN GETTING HASSLED BY THE FAIRFAX COUNTY GOVERNMENT FOR YEARS OVER THAT AND OTHER BULLSHIT. THIS IS JUST ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF GOVERNMENT OUT OF CONTROL. BELOW I INCLUDE A COPY OF THE E-MAIL THAT I SENT TO THE DUMBFUCKS WHO RUN FAIRFAX COUNTY SO THAT YOU CAN LEARN THE DETAILS.

wwwopa@co.fairfax.va.us
Subject: FREE JOHN THOBURN

I HEARD THAT YOU ALL THREW A MAN IN JAIL INDEFINITELY BECAUSE HE ISN'T PLANTING AS MANY HUNDRED TREES AS YOU WANT HIM TO PLANT. I HEARD HE HAD ALREADY PLANTED OVER 700 TREES WHICH COSTED ABOUT $125,000 TO PLANT. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR COUNTY GOVERNMENT? ARE YOU THAT COMMUNISTIC THAT YOU WOULD THROW SOMEONE IN JAIL FOR MONTHS BECAUSE HE DOESN'T PLANT ENOUGH TREE FOR YOUR LIKING? THIS IS AMERICA, NOT RED CHINA OR THE FORMER SOVIET UNION. STOP TRYING TO MICROCONTROL EVERYTHING.

IT SEEMS RATHER CONVENIENT THAT YOU HAVE A GOLF COURSE THAT COMPETES WITH HIS. YOU CAN USE TAXPAYER MONEY TO COMPETE WITH LEGITIMATE BUSINESSES AND THEN USE LEGALISTIC UNDER HANDED REGULATIONS TO PUT YOUR HONEST COMPETITOR AT AN UNFAIR DISADVANTAGE. IF THIS IS HOW THE FAIRFAX COUNTY GOVERNMENT OPERATES, THEN I'M GLAD I DON'T LIVE IN YOUR STUPID COUNTY WITH YOUR CROOKED GOVERNMENT. YOU ALL SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES.

DOCTER ARTEUS SIMMONS

I HOPE I DID A GOOD ENOUGH JOB WITH THAT LETTER TO FREE HIM. GOVERNMENTS CAN BE SO STUPID SOMETIMES.

AND FINALLY, THE WORLD'S FIRST TOURIST WENT UP INTO SPACE ON SATURDAY. MILLIONAIRE, DENNIS TITO IS RIDING INTO SPACE WITH TWO RUSSIAN ASTRONAUTS TOWARDS THE SPACE STATION.

THE VODKA GENIE SCREAMS OUT "GO RUSSIA. RUSSIANS IN SPACE. LET'S DRINK A CHEER."

MILLIONAIRE TITO IS NOT GOING TO BE INVOLVED WITH THE EXPERIMENTS PERFORMED ON THE SPACE STATION. I WONDER WHAT IS HE GONNA DO ALL DAY WHILE HE IS THERE. I DON'T THINK THERE ARE ANY WOMEN UP THERE. I WONDER IF TITO CAN GET THE NAKED NEWS UP THERE. HE MIGHT NOT EVEN BE ABLE TO GET ON THE INTERNET AT ALL. THAT WOULD REALLY SUCK UNLESS HE BROUGHT ALONG HIS OWN PORNOGRAPHY.

THERE IS ONE ADVANTAGE FOR TITO BEING OUT IN SPACE. HE IS SAFER FROM GOVERNMENTAL REGULATIONS, SUCH AS THE ONES IN STUPID FAIRFAX COUNTY, THAN HE WILL BE WHEN HE RETURNS TO EARTH. SOMETIMES I JUST FEEL LIKE GOING TO A DESERTED ISLAND OR EVEN A PLANET OF MY OWN SO THAT I DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ALL THE BULLSHIT THAT SOCIETY NEEDLESSLY CAUSES. BUT THEN THERE WOULD BE NO WOMEN AROUND AND HOW COULD I GET LAID?

THE VODKA GENIE, STARTS REPEATING. "GET LAID, GET LAID, GET LAID! GET SOME UGLY WOMEN OVER HERE, NOW!" A VERY WASTED GOOD FRIEND GENE GETS ON THE PHONE AND STARTS CALLING UP SOME UGLY WOMEN TO COME OVER TO THE HOUSE JUST LIKE THE VODKA GENIE DEMANDED, AND DR SIMMONS DOESN'T TRY TO STOP HIM. ONE HOUR LATER, WITH THE POOCHES OUTSIDE TAGGING A CANINE BITCH IN THE FRONT YARD, DR SIMMONS AND GOOD FRIEND GENE GET LAID BY THE UGLY CHICKS. AND SEVERAL OF THE CHICKS SHOVE THE TALKING VODKA BOTTLE GENIE INTO THEIR HOOCH REPEATEDLY; SO EVERYONE IS HAPPY.

LINKS RELATED TO THIS WEEK'S WEAKLY COLLUM.

NAKED NEWS — IF YOU LIKE GETTING THE NEWS FROM NAKED WOMEN, THEN GO HERE.

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