WEAKLY COLLUM # 0076

FOR MONDAY 05/07/2001

DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.

OH MY GOD! TINA THE NURSE WON THE SECOND SEASON OF SURVIVOR AND I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT IN MY REPORT. MAYBE IF I HAD WASTED MY PRECIOUS TIME AND HAD WATCHED FIFTEEN OR TWENTY MINUTES OF THE SHOW THIS SEASON, I COULD HAVE FORMED A FUCKIN OPINION OR HAD CARED A LITTLE BIT. BUT I DIDN'T. OH WELL! SO MUCH THE WORSE FOR ME.

LET ME START OF THIS WEAKLY COLLUM BY TELLING YOU WHAT I AM DOING. I AM AT A CHARITY EVENT. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. THE CHARITY THAT I AM AT IS CALLED "FORNICATE FOR A CURE FOR HERPES". FOR JUST A TEN DOLLAR DONATION, YOU CAN GET SOME ASS FROM NICE LOOKING VOLUNTEER BABES. THIS IS THE SECOND ANNUAL EVENT FOR THIS WONDERFUL CHARITY WHICH TAKES PLACE EVERY YEAR FROM MAY 1 TO MAY 7.

WE ARE AT AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION. THE LOCATION WAS DISCLOSED TO ME THOUGH SO THAT I COULD MAKE IT HERE. I JUST GOT LAID A FEW MINUTES AGO WITH A BEAUTIFUL SPANISH MOMMA. SHE WAS FEISTY. SHE PUT A REAL HURTING ON ME. LET ME TELL YOU WHAT IS GOING ON IN THE NEWS WHILE I RECUPERATE.

IT IS A JOYOUS DAY COMING UP ON MAY 16th. THAT IS THE DAY THAT TIMOTHY McVEIGH IS SET TO BE ELIMINATED FROM THE POPULATION AS HIS JUST PUNISHMENT FOR KILLING 168 INNOCENT PEEPLE BY BLOWING UP A BUILDING IN OKLAHOMA CITY. (THE NAME McVEIGH SOUNDS LIKE A NEW NAME FOR A McDONALDS SANDWICH, DOESN'T IT?)

BUT SOME PEEPLE ARE NOT THAT HAPPY WITH THE EVENT. THE POPE HAS ASKED PRESIDENT BUSH TO SPARE McVEIGH OF HIS JUST PUNISHMENT. THAT IS KINDA STUPID. WHY SHOULD A MASS MURDERER NOT BE EXECUTED FOR HIS CRIMES? IF IT WAS GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIS VICTIMS, THEN IT IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM.

TIMOTHY McVEIGH KILLED 168 INNOCENT PEEPLE INCLUDING 19 CHILDREN. THE POPE DIDN'T ASK McVEIGH TO SPARE THEM. IF McVEIGH HAD THE CHANCE, HE WOULD DO IT AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN. HE AINT WORTH FEELING SORRY FOR.

THE POPE IS ASKING PRESIDENT BUSH TO SPARE THE WRONG PERSON, THE WRONG TYPE OF PERSON. HE SHOULDN'T BE ASKING THE PRESIDENT OR ANYONE ELSE TO SPARE A MASS MURDERER. HE SHOULDN'T BE ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS FOR SOMEONE THAT SHOULD NEVER BE FORGIVEN.

THE POPE SHOULD BE ASKING HIS FLOCK OF PRIESTS UNDER HIM TO SPARE THE LITTLE GIRLS AND BOYS THAT THEY WOULD OTHERWISE MOLEST. OF COURSE THERE ARE 19 LESS LITTLE GIRLS AND BOYS FOR HORNY PRIESTS TO MOLEST SINCE McVEIGH KILLED THEM IN HIS QUEST TO GET REVENGE FOR THE WACO MASSACRE WHERE A BUNCH OF VIOLENT FANATICAL DUMBFUCK MEMBERS OF A CULT DIED AFTER A TWO MONTH STANDOFF WITH AUTHORITIES.

I THINK THE POPE MIGHT BE A DEMOCRAT. DEMOCRATIC POLITICIANS OFTEN TAKE THE SIDE OF THE CRIMINAL. THEY ACT LIKE THE CRIMINAL IS A VICTIM OF SOCIETY, BUT SOCIETY IS THE SUM OF THE PEEPLE THAT COMPRISE IT AND THESE DUMBFUCKS BRING THE STANDARDS DOWN, WAY DOWN. THEY MAKE OUR SOCIETY SUCH A BAD PLACE TO LIVE IN. AND THE PEEPLE THAT SEE CRIMINALS LIKE McVEIGH AS VICTIMS AND THE LAWYERS THAT SOMETIMES TRY TO KEEP THEM OUT OF JAIL AREN'T GOOD FOR OUR COUNTRY EITHER.

OK! ENOUGH ABOUT THE OKLAHOMA CITY BOMBING. IT'S TIME FOR ME TO GET LAID AGAIN. DR SIMMONS LOOKS AROUND FOR THE WOMAN HE WANTS TO MAKE HIS NEXT DONATION TO AND SEES A HOT RUSSIAN WOMAN WITH A LITTLE FUR UNDER HER ARMPITS, JUST THE WAY HE LIKES IT. I DID A SPANISH GIRL AN HOUR AGO AND A PHILIPPINO ONE BEFORE THAT. I WANT TO SCREW A GIRL FROM AS MANY COUNTRIES AS I CAN.

DR SIMMONS SPENDS A HALF HOUR PLAYING WITH THE RUSSIAN WOMAN'S BODY BEFORE HE GOES FOR IT. HE STARTS PUTTING HIS THINGY IN HER HOLE, HER BACK HOLE. SHE STOPS HIM BEFORE HE CAN GET ALL THE WAY IN. WRONG HOLE WRONG HOLE. BUT THE OTHER GIRLS LET ME STICK IT THERE. BUT SHE WON'T GRANT HIM INGRESS TO HER ASS. OH WELL! IT WAS WORTH A TRY. TEN SECONDS LATER OUR PROTAGONIST STICKS IT IN THE RIGHT HOLE AND GETS DOWN TO BUSINESS.

THREE MINUTES LATER HE IS DONE AND READY TO FINISH PRESENTING THE NEWS. IN OTHER NEWS, PRESIDENT BUSH'S DAUGHTER, JENNA BUSH, IS A BAD GIRL. WHILE ATTENDING TEXAS UNIVERSITY IN AUSTIN, JENNA WAS TICKETED FOR POSSESSING ALCOHOL AS A MINOR AT A LOCAL BAR.

JENNA BUSH DRINKS ALCOHOL, COOL! I LIKE WOMEN THAT DRINK. THEY ARE EASIER TO SCORE INTO BED. I'M EXCITED NOW. MAYBE I COULD GET SOME OF THAT FINE PRESIDENTIAL FAMILY PUSSY. I HAVE MUCH MORE SUCCESS WITH DRUNK WOMEN THAN WITH SOBER WOMEN. I THINK THAT WOMEN THINK MORE CLEARLY WHEN THEY ARE DRUNK. THEY ARE MORE IN TOUCH WITH WHAT THEY REALLY WANT - GETTING PURE PHYSICAL SEX WITHOUT TRYING TO BLACKMALE AN INNOCENT HORNY DUDE INTO A SERIOUS LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP.

ONE OF DR SIMMON'S BUDDIES WALKS UP WITH TWO ORIENTAL GIRLS ON HIS SHOULDERS. "HEY DOC, I'LL BET YOU HAVEN'T HAD CHINESE YET." HE SIGNALS THE GIRL ON HIS LEFT TO ACCEPT DR SIMMON'S DONATIONS, MONETARY AND OTHERWISE. A MINUTE LATER, HE AND HIS BUDDY ARE BOTH EATING CHINESE. IT'S WONDERFUL TO GIVE TO CHARITY.

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