WEAKLY COLLUM # 0077
FOR MONDAY 05/14/2001
WEAKLY COLLUM # 0077
FOR MONDAY 05/14/2001
DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.
I GOT GREAT NEWS FOR ALL US DRINKERS. ALCOHOL REDUCES MORTALITY. AINT THAT WONDERFUL? THIS HAS BEEN DEMONSTRATED BY A STUDY IN ENGLAND THAT TOOK PLACE OVER SEVERAL YEARS. LETS ALL DRINK A TOAST. DR SIMMONS GULPS DOWN HIS EIGHT BEER, AN ICE BEER, TO CELEBRATE THE WONDERFUL NEWS. OF COURSE HE WAS GONNA GULP IT DOWN ANYWAY.
A STUDY BY SCIENTISTS AT THE UNIVERSITY OF LONDON SHOWS EVIDENCE THAT MODERATE DRINKING OF ALCOHOL CAN REDUCE MORTALITY RATES BY SEVERAL PERCENT BECAUSE ALCOHOL HELPS TO INHIBIT THE DEVELOPMENT OF HEART DISEASE. MODERATE DRINKING? OH SHIT! THAT AINT ANY GOOD.
IN COMPUTER NEWS, SOME COMPUTER NERDS HACKED INTO THE OFFICIAL WEBSITE OF THE WHITE HOUSE, www.whitehouse.gov. HAKCERS USED A DENIAL OF SERVICE ATTACK ON THE WEBSITE SIMILIAR TO THE ONES USED ON THE WEBSITES OF YAHOO, EBAY, AND CNN LAST YEAR. THIS CAUSED A MASSIVE SLOWDOWN. THE SITE OPERATED EXTREMELY INEFFICIENTLY, JUST LIKE THE REST OF THE U.S. GOVERNMENT.
I'M GLAD THE HACKERS DIDN'T ATTACK www.whitehouse.com BECAUSE THAT IS A PORN SITE. PORNOGRAPHY IS ABSOLUTELY VITAL TO THE WELL-BEING OF AMERICA.
IN OTHER COMPUTER RELATED NEWS, EVIL MICROSOFT IS COMING OUT WITH ANOTHER NEW VERSION OF THEIR WINDOWS OPERATING SYSTEM. MICROSOFT ANNOUNCED THAT ITS WINDOWS XP SOFTWARE WILL BE RELEASED ON OCTOBER 25, 2001.
MICROSOFT SAYS ITS WINDOWS XP OPERATING SYSTEM SETS NEW STANDARDS FOR POWER, SIMPLICITY, SECURITY, AND RELIABILITY. THIS IS IN CONTRAST TO ITS WINDOWS 95 OPERATING SYSTEM WHICH SET THE STANDARDS FOR :
- BEING VULNERABLE TO VIRUS ATTACKS
- GROSS WASTING OF HARD DRIVE SPACE
- GROSS MISUSE OF MEMORY
- MICROCONTROLLING THE USER'S COMPUTER EXPERIENCE
- CAUSING PROGRAM AND SYSTEM CRASHES
- DISPLAYING LESS THAN WORTHLESS ERROR MESSAGES
WITH THIS NEW VERSION OF WINDOWS, THEY ARE CHANGING THE LOOK AND THE FUNCTION OF WINDOWS. THEY KEEP DOING THIS WITH EVERY FUCKIN VERSION. YOU HAVE TO COMPLETELY RELEARN HOW TO USE YOUR OPERATING SYSTEM. YOU HAVE TO LEARN DIFFERENT COMMANDS TO DO SOMETHING THAT YOU ALREADY KNEW HOW TO DO IN THE PREVIOUS VERSION OF WINDOWS JUST SO THEY CAN SELL TO YOU AGAIN.
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BUT I AM HORNY AND REALLY NEED SOME PUSSY ACTION TONIGHT. I'LL UPGRADE ANOTHER TIME.
MICROSOFT SAYS THAT, WITH WINDOWS XP, WINDOWS IS NOW MORE DEPENDABLE THAN EVER. IT PROBABLY IS. YOU CAN DEPEND ON IT TO HOG MUCH MORE HARD DRIVE SPACE, USE MUCH MORE MEMORY, AND BE EVEN MORE COMPLICATED WITHOUT OFFERING MORE OPTIONS THAT ARE ACTUALLY SIGNIFICANT AND BENEFICIAL. IF I CAN'T ACCESS MORE PORNO SITES WITH IT THAN I CAN ALREADY DO NOW, THEN I DON'T NEED IT.
INSTEAD OF MAKING AN OPERATING SYSTEM THAT NEEDS EVER FASTER COMPUTERS TO RUN IT, MAKE AN OPERATING SYSTEM THAT DOESN'T SLOW DOWN ON COMPUTERS THAT ARE ABLE TO RUN THE PREVIOUS VERSIONS OF THEIR SOFTWARE. THAT SHOULD BE POSSIBLE SINCE THE NEW VERSION IS SUPPOSED TO BE AN IMPROVEMENT TO THEIR PREVIOUS PRODUCTS.
I'M NOT A NERDY SOFTWARE BETA TESTER SO I DON'T KNOW ABOUT ALL THE NEW BELLS AND WHISTLES OF WINDOWS XP. (I'M A BETA TESTER WITH DRINKING BEERS, THOUGH, BECAUSE I HAVE SO MUCH EXPERIENCE IN THIS FIELD.) BUT LOOKING AT THE TREND THAT MICROSOFT HAS ESTABLISHED, I THINK WINDOWS XP WILL REQUIRE MORE PROCESSING POWER TO RUN, NEED MORE MEMORY, BE MORE COMPLICATED, AND TAKE UP MORE SPACE ON THE HARD DRIVE. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MAKING A PRODUCT THAT CAN DO NEW THINGS AND MAKING A PRODUCT THAT IS BETTER THAN THE PREVIOUS VERSION. I DON'T KNOW IF MICROSOFT CAN DO IT.
EVIL MICROSOFT, LISTEN TO ME. JUST FUCKIN DO IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME AND YOU WON'T HAVE TO KEEP MAKING CHANGES. YOUR OPERATING SOFTWARE IS A SHODDY PIECE OF SHIT, COMPLEX AND INTRICATE, BUT SHODDY AS HELL. I WOULD BE ASHAMED IF I WAS YOU. YOUR PRODUCTS ARE A REFLECTION OF YOUR COMPANY. PLEASE TRY TO DO A BETTER JOB IN THE FUTURE. OF COURSE THIS MESSAGE WILL NEVER REACH YOU IN ANY MEANINGFUL WAY. THE MONEY THAT YOU ARE BRINGING IN OFF YOUR GARBAGEWARE IS MAKING TOO MUCH NOISE.
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IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, WHEN I WENT TO THE OFFICIAL MICROSOFT SITE TO RESEARCH THIS SHIT A LITTLE, MY COMPUTER WITH MY WORTHLESS WINDOWS 95 SOFTWARE BOOTED ME THE FUCK OFF THE SITE AND OUT OF MY PROGRAM. I WENT BACK A SECOND TIME A FEW HOURS LATER AND ALL OF THE WINDOWS OF MY BROWSER LOCKED UP, AGAIN. AND TODAY IT DID IT TOO. YEAH! FUCKIN MAKES ME WANT TO GO OUT AND BUY IT. I THINK I'LL PREORDER IT FIVE MONTHS EARLY.
MICROSOFT HAS A COUNTER ON THEIR WEBSITE TO INDICATE HOW LONG UNTIL THEIR PIECE OF SHIT, I MEAN WONDERFUL PRODUCT, WILL BE AVAILABLE TO THE NONTHINKING CONFORMISTS, I MEAN RATIONAL INDEPENDENT THINKING CONSUMERS. I THINK OF THAT COUNTER LIKE A DEATH ROW INMATE THINKS ABOUT THE COUNTDOWN TO HIS EXECUTION. THAT COUNTER HURTS ME TO WATCH.
THAT'S ALL FOR THIS WEEK. I THINK I'M GONNA END THIS WEAKLY COLLUM BEFORE MY MICROSOFT CONTROLLED COMPUTER LOCKS UP AGAIN. COPYRIGHT © 2001 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED