WEAKLY COLLUM # 0078
FOR MONDAY 05/21/2001
COPYRIGHT © 2001 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
WEAKLY COLLUM # 0078
FOR MONDAY 05/21/2001
DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.
IN EROTIC NUTRITIONAL NEWS, A HARVARD UNIVERSITY STUDY HAS FOUND THAT BREAST FEEDING MAY HELP PROTECT CHILDREN AGAINST OBESITY. ACCORDING TO THE STUDY, BABIES GETTING BREAST MILK ABSORB LESS CALORIES THAN BABIES THAT ARE FED FORMULA. (FORMULA IS THAT ARTIFICIAL MILKY SHIT THAT THEY CREATE JUST FOR BABIES USING A COMPLEX SCIENTIFIC FORMULA, HENCE THE NAME.)
MILK THAT HAS LESS CALORIES AND THAT IS FROM A WOMAN'S BREAST - THAT SOUNDS FANTASTIC. THAT IS A WONDERFUL COMBINATION. THIS REMINDS ME OF THE MILLER LITE BEER COMMERCIALS FROM ABOUT FIFTEEN YEARS AGO. "LESS FILLING - TASTES GREAT." THAT SEEMS TO DESCRIBE BREAST MILK IN LIGHT OF THIS STUDY. LIKE I ALWAYS SAID, BREAST MILK IS THE BEST MILK.
YOU KNOW BREAST MILK MIGHT ACTUALLY BE SKIM MILK. THINK ABOUT IT. WOMEN'S BREASTS ARE MADE OF FAT. IF BREAST MILK HAD FAT IN IT, THEN WOMEN'S BREASTS WOULD GET SMALLER EACH TIME THEY BREAST FED THEIR BABY UNTIL THERE WAS NOTHING LEFT BUT NIPPLE.
IT MIGHT BE A GOOD THING IF BREAST MILK DID CONTAIN A LOT OF FAT IN SOME CASES, THOUGH. THAT WOULD BE A GOOD WAY TO MAKE FAT WOMEN LESS FAT, HAVE THEM BREAST FEED OTHER PEEPLE'S BABIES UNTIL THEY ARE AT THEIR IDEAL WEIGHT. THERE WOULD BE LESS FAT UNHEALTHY WOMEN IN THE WORLD, AND I WOULD HAVE LESS CHANCE OF ACCIDENTALLY TAKING A FAT WOMAN HOME FROM THE BAR WHEN I GOT REAL DRUNK.
THE STUDY ALSO SHOWED EVIDENCE THAT BREAST FEEDING REDUCES TEEN OBESITY. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT MANY TEENAGERS STILL BREAST FEED OFF OF THEIR MOTHER'S NIPPLE. (OUTSIDE OF WEST VIRGINIA ANYWAY) THIS STUDY REALLY DID SHED A LOT OF LIGHT ON THE SUBJECT. I'VE LEARNED SOMETHING TODAY.
THERE WAS SOME BAD NEWS IN SPORTS THIS WEEK. THE XFL FOOTBALL LEAGUE CLOSED DOWN. THE FOOTBALL LEAGUE CREATED BY THE STEROID DRAMA BOYS OF THE WWF FOLDED AFTER THEIR FIRST SEASON. I DON'T HAVE MUCH FUNNY TO SAY ABOUT THIS SINCE I WANTED THE XFL TO SUCCEED; SO DON'T PUT PRESSURE ON ME TO BE A LAUGH A FUCKIN MINUTE.
THERE WAS SOME CRITICISM BY WWF HEAD HONCHO, VINCE McMANN (PROBABLY NO RELATION TO ED McMAHON AND VINCE WILL PROBABLY BODY SLAM ME JUST FOR MENTIONING IT.) DIRECTED AT MINNESOTA GOVERNOR JESSE VENTURA, WHO WAS ONE OF THE GAME ANNOUNCERS, FOR BEING TOO DRAMATIC AND HYPERBOLE. I DON'T THINK YOU CAN BLAME VENTURA FOR THE PROBLEMS OF THE XFL. I THOUGHT HIS BROADCASTS WERE ENJOYABLE. I THOUGHT THE ENTIRE POINT OF THE XFL WAS TO BRING DRAMA AND A DIFFERENT STYLE TO FOOTBALL. I THINK THAT WAS THEIR GOAL, BUT THEY STARTED ABANDONING THAT WHICH WAS THEIR STRENGTH WHEN THINGS STARTED TO GO WRONG.
THE WWF SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE PATIENT WITH THEIR NEW LEAGUE. SHIT TAKES TIME TO HAPPEN. YOU NEED TIME FOR FANS TO DEVELOP TEAM LOYALTY. YOU NEED TIME TO CORRECT THE PROBLEMS THAT SHOW UP IN THE BEGINNING OF ANY VENTURE OF THAT MAGNITUDE. YOU NEED TIME FOR THE FANS TO DEVELOP A FAMILIARITY WITH THE PLAYERS. YOU NEED TIME TO ADD MORE TEAMS IN MORE CITIES TO STRENGTHEN THE FAN BASE. YOU NEED TIME FOR PEEPLE TO GET USED TO THE XFL BEING ON THE TV, ESPECIALLY SINCE IT WAS PLAYED OFF SEASON COMPARED TO THE NFL, COLLEGE, AND HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL. THE OFF SEASON FACTOR WAS A POTENTIAL POSITIVE FOR THEM IF THEY HAD GIVEN THE LEAGUE MORE TIME TO DEVELOP.
IN LOCAL INTERNATIONAL NEWS, DOCTORS IN RUSSIA ARE GETTING SHIT FROM THEIR EMPLOYERS. THEY ACTUALLY ARE. DOCTORS IN VACHA, RUSSIA WHO HAVE BEEN WAITING ON SOME WAGES FROM LAST DECEMBER ARE BEING OFFERED TRUCKLOADS OF DUNG BY THE LOCAL GOVERNMENT AS ALTERNATE COMPENSATION. MOST OF THE DOCTORS THINK THAT THE IDEA STINKS.
THEY ARE HAVING A HARD TIME PAYING DOCTORS AT THE LOCAL HOSPITAL EVEN THOUGH THEY ONLY EARN ABOUT $25 TO $50 A MONTH. A MONTH? THAT'S FUCKIN RIDICULOUS EVEN WITHOUT THE SHIT. MAKES YOU WONDER WHY ANYONE WOULD WANT TO BECOME A DOCTOR IN SUCH A SCREWED UP BACKWARDS COUNTRY LIKE RUSSIA. WITH THAT LOW RATE OF PAY FOR BEING A DOCTOR, THEY ARE PROBABLY BETTER OFF TAKING THE SHIT.
MAYBE THEY COULD MAKE SOME MONEY OFF OF THE SHIT. THEY WOULD RECEIVE THE SHIT AT BELOW THE MARKET RATE. THEY MIGHT BE ABLE TO SELL IT VERY PROFITABLY ON THE BLACK MARKET, OR RATHER THE BROWN MARKET. THEY COULD PROBABLY SELL THEIR TREASURE OF SHIT ON EBAY SINCE PEEPLE WILL BID ON ANYTHING THERE.
I WISH I COULD PAY MY BILLS IN SHIT. MY TWO DOGS SHIT LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER. RETARD WILL TAKE A CRAP THAT COVERS HALF THE FLOOR, AND HIS SHIT STINKS TOO. BONG BONG TAKES SMALL SHITS, BUT HE DOES IT OVER AND OVER. HE IS A NEVER ENDING SHITTING MACHINE. YOU CAN'T EVEN WALK IN THE BACK YARD ANY MORE. I THINK I MIGHT CONSIDER EBAY.
SPEAKING OF SHIT, ASS HOLE MAYOR OF NEW YORK CITY, RUDOLPH GIULIANI IS HAVING TROUBLE RELATED TO HIS INFIDELITY. HIS WIFE WANTS HIS LOVER TO BE BARRED FROM GRACIE MANSION WHERE RUDOLPH, HIS WIFE WHOM HE IS TRYING TO DIVORCE, AND HIS TWO CHILDREN LIVE. SHE HAS SOUGHT A COURT ORDER TO DO JUST THAT.
I THINK THIS IS AN APPROPRIATE PUNISHMENT FOR MAYOR GIULIANI. THAT ASSHOLE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR LAWS AGAINST STRIP CLUBS AND RELATED BUSINESSES IN NEW YORK CITY. HE WANTS THEM MOVED AWAY FROM RESIDENTIAL AREAS AND ESSENTIALLY OUT OF THE CITY EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE LEGITIMATE BUSINESSES. I THINK THE JUDGE SHOULD GIVE OLD RUDOLPH THE SAME TREATMENT. HE SHOULD BAR HIS NEW BITCH FROM COMING WITHIN THE CITY LIMITS WHERE HE LIVES. TEACH HIS MOTHER FUCKIN ASS A LESSON ABOUT RESTRICTING SOMEONE'S FREEDOM FOR YOUR POLITICAL GOALS.
THIS JUST IN. TIGER WOODS SHOOTS 63 IN GERMANY. ELEVEN ARE DEAD, THE REST ARE IN SERIOUS OR STABLE CONDITION. AUTHORITIES HAVE NO IDEA WHAT GOT HIM TEED OFF WHILE PLAYING A SIMPLE GAME OF GOLF.
IN TRANSPORTATION NEWS, A TRAIN IN OHIO CAREENS DOWN THE TRACKS DRIVERLESS. A CSX TRAIN GOT AWAY FROM THEM AND RACED DOWN THE TRACKS UNTIL THE CSX DUDES COULD DO A DUKES OF HAZZARD STYLE MOVE TO GET SOMEONE ONTO THE TRAIN TO TAKE OVER THE DRIVING DUTIES. THE WINNER OF THE ANNUAL CSX CHASE A TRAIN DOWN CONTEST SLOWED THE TRAIN DOWN AND COASTED TO THE NEAREST STRIP BAR.
NO ONE WAS HURT IN THE ORDEAL. I THINK IT'S GOOD THAT THIS HAPPENED. OHIO IS A VERY DULL PLACE. THEY NEED SOME EXCITEMENT THERE EVERY NOW AND THEN. THIS REALLY HELPS OUT.
INITIAL RUMORS WERE THAT THE TRAIN DRIVER DUDE HAD A HEART ATTACK WHILE DRIVING THE FORTY CAR TRAIN. THEN THEY REALIZED THAT THE TRAIN DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A DRIVER. FUCKIN FREAKED EVERYBODY OUT. AUTHORITIES MADE AN ATTEMPT TO DERAIL THE TRAIN BEFORE IT WENT THROUGH POPULATED TOWNS, BUT FAILED. THEY ALSO TRIED TO FIND A DRIVER FOR THE TRAIN WITH NO SUCCESS INITIALLY. TIGER WOODS REFUSED TO LEND HIS DRIVER TO THE CAUSE UNTIL HE COULD GET OUT OF JAIL.
THE RUNAWAY TRAIN WAS CARRYING HAZARDOUS MATERIALS, POSSIBLY THE TONS AND TONS OF DUNG THAT WAS TO BE EXPORTED TO THE DOCTORS OVER IN RUSSIA. NOW THE DOCTORS WILL HAVE TO WAIT EVEN LONGER TO GET THEIR SHIT.
THIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS OVER NOW. I'VE TALKED ENOUGH SHIT FOR ONE WEEK. GO LOOK AT SOME PORN NOW. COPYRIGHT © 2001 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED