WEAKLY COLLUM # 0079

FOR MONDAY 05/28/2001

DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.

BEFORE I GIVE YOU THE NEWS, I GOTTA TELL YOU ABOUT MY LIFE PERSONALLY. I AM HAVING PROBLEMS. TROUBLE IS HAPPENING WHERE I LIVE. MY NEIGHBORHOOD IS BEING TERRORIZED. SOME EVIL DUDES ON CYCLES ARE CAUSING TROUBLE. AND NO ONE IS DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT. NO, IT'S NOT THE HELLS ANGELS. IT'S WORSE. IT'S JEHOVA WITNESSES. THE RELIGIOUS FANATICS ON BICYCLES. WHY ARE THEY TERRORIZING US?

I SHOULD GO UP AND TELL THIS GANG OF JEHOVA WITNESSES OFF. (THERE ARE AT LEAST TWO OF THEM.) "STOP FUCKIN BEING POLITE TO ME! I HATE YOUR ARTIFICIAL POLITENESS. I HATE YOUR ZEAL FOR YOUR RELIGION THAT YOU THROW UP IN EVERYONE'S FACE. I HATE YOUR RELIGIOUS INDOCTRINATIONS THAT YOU WANT TO FORCE ON ME THROUGH YOUR PERSISTENCE, AND I HATE YOUR STUPID BICYCLE HELMETS."

I WOULD SAY ALL THIS TO THEM, BUT I AM TOO CHICKEN. WHY CAN'T I BE A STRONGER PERSON AND BE ABLE TO STAND UP TO THIS GANG OF RELIGIOUS TERRORISTS IN PERSON? WHY WOULD I RATHER RUN AND HIDE FROM THEM THAN CONFRONT THEM FACE TO FACE? DON'T KNOW. I GUESS I AINT THE JOHN WAYNE TYPE. MAYBE I JUST WANT TO DRINK MY BEERS IN PEACE WHILE THE REST OF THE COMMUNITY DEALS WITH THIS FANATICAL CYCLE GANG.

IN RELIGIOUS NEWS, THE PAINTING OF THE VIRGIN MARY IN A BIKINI, PAINTED BY ARTIST ALMA LOPEZ WILL BE ABLE TO STAY ON DISPLAY IN A NEW MEXICO STATE MUSEUM. IT'S DISPLAY WAS PUT IN JEOPARDY A FEW WEEKS AGO WHEN A BUNCH OF RELIGIOUS FANATICS PROTESTED AND TRIED TO GET THE DISPLAY OF THE PICTURE CENSORED.

MANY CATHOLICS HAD PROTESTED THE PAINTING BEING SHOWN BECAUSE THE VIRGIN MARY IS A SACRED IMAGE TO THEM. ACTUALLY I THINK THAT THEY WERE AFRAID THAT THEIR SEXUALLY REPRESSED CATHOLIC SCHOOL IMPRISONED TEENAGE SONS WOULD BE WACKING OFF TO THE IMAGE.

I WONDER IF THE ARTIST COULD PAINT A PICTURE OF THE BIKINI CLAD VIRGIN MARY RIDING A BICYCLE AND WEARING HER SAFETY HELMET. I MIGHT E-MAIL THE PAINTER, ALMA LOPEZ, AND SUGGEST IT TO HER. SHE COULD CALL IT "THE JEHOVA BIKINI VIRGIN".

IN MARITAL NEWS, A WELL KNOWN POLYGAMIST IN UTAH IS IN TROUBLE FOR HIS MULTI NUPTIAL WAYS. TOM GREEN (NO RELATION TO THE SCUMBAG THAT HAS A SHOW ON MTV) FACES CHARGES OF UP TO TWENTY FIVE YEARS IN JAIL. PRESENTLY HE HAS FIVE WIVES AND TWENTY NINE CHILDREN WITH MORE ON THE WAY. HE WAS FOUND GUILTY OF FOUR CHARGES OF POLYGAMY AND IS AWAITING SENTENCING.

IT SEEMS LIKE HEAVEN TO HAVE FIVE PARTNERS SO THAT IF ONE IS NOT PUTTING OUT, THERE WILL ALWAYS BE ONE OR MORE THAT ARE. BUT SOMETIMES WIVES DO MORE NAGGING AND CREDIT CARD SPENDING THAN PUTTING OUT. THAT WOULD BE FIVE TIMES AS MUCH DAMAGE IN TOM GREEN'S CASE. AND WHAT ABOUT HAVING TWENTY NINE CHILDREN? THAT AINT NO PARADISE. IF I HAD A FAMILY OF TWENTY NINE CHILDREN ALL IN THE SAME HOUSE, I WOULD RUN AWAY TO THE JUNGLES OF SOUTH AMERICA WHERE NO ONE COULD EVER FIND ME.

TOM GOT IN TROUBLE BECAUSE HE WOULD GO ON SHOWS LIKE THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW AND GET ALL KINDS OF PUBLICITY FOR HIS MARITAL SITUATION INSTEAD OF KEEPING THINGS HIDDEN WHICH IS WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO WITH OUR REPRESSIVE GOVERNMENT WHICH WILL THROW YOU IN JAIL FOR A YEAR FOR SELLING AN OUNCE OF MARIWANNA TO YOUR FRIEND. HE TECHNICALLY DIDN'T MARRY ALL HIS WIVES BUT SINCE THEY LIVED WITH HIM, HE WAS CONSIDERED MARRIED TO THEM BY COMMON LAW.

IN UTAH, THERE ARE A LOT OF POLYGAMIST FAMILIES. THE GOVERNMENT IS TRYING TO BUST THEM UP BECAUSE THEY DO NOT CONFORM TO WHAT THE GOVERNMENT THINKS IS THE WAY MARRIAGE SHOULD BE. THE GOVERNMENT WANTS TO INTERFERE IN PEEPLE'S LIVES FOR THE BENEFIT OF NO ONE. THROWING TOM GREEN IN JAIL WOULD NOT BE A GOOD THING FOR HIS EXTENDED FAMILY.

BUT IT WILL MAKE THE GOVERNMENT HAPPY. IT IS HARDER FOR THE GOVERNMENT TO KEEP TRACK OF YOU AND ULTIMATELY CONTROL YOU IF YOUR PARTNER HAS ONE OR MORE SPOUSES BESIDES YOU. THAT IS THE ULTIMATE GOAL OF THE GOVERNMENT IN OUR COUNTRY, TO CONTROL US, TO MICROCONTROL US. THAT IS WHAT GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS GET PAID TO DO. AND WE GO TO THE POLLS EVERY FEW YEARS TO CHOSE POLITICIANS THAT WILL ENACT LAWS TO CONTROL THOSE AROUND US BECAUSE WE DON'T APPROVE OF THEIR LIFESTYLE. AND THEY VOTE FOR POLITICIANS TO ENACT LAWS TO CONTOL YOU. WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND.

AND WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT ABOUT COMMON LAW MARRIAGES? WHY ARE THEY MAKING PEEPLE MARRIED WHO DO NOT CHOSE TO BE MARRIED? LIVING TOGETHER AND WANTING TO BE MARRIED ARE TWO ENTIRELY DIFFERENT THINGS. IF THEY DON'T GO THROUGH THE CEREMONY, THEN THEY DON'T WANT TO BE MARRIED. WE DON'T NEED THIS COMMON LAW BULLSHIT. GET THESE STUPID LAWS OFF THE BOOKS.

SPEAKING OF GOVERNMENT ATTEMPTS TO CONTROL US, LAWS RESTRICTING ONLINE PORN ARE BEING LOOKED AT BY THE SUPREME COURT. LAWS MADE SEVERAL YEARS AGO WOULD RESTRICT ACCESS TO THOSE WEB SURFERS WILLING OR ABLE TO SUBMIT THEIR CREDIT CARD NUMBER OR OTHER ACCESS CODE TO EVERY ADULT SITE THEY GO TO. THIS IS ALL SUPPOSEDLY TO KEEP CHILDREN FROM ACCESSING ADULT SITES.

BUT THEY ARE DOING IT IN THIS WAY TO CONTROL THE BEHAVIOR OF ADULTS TOO. THEY DON'T WANT PEEPLE GOING TO PORNO SITES. REQUIRING CREDIT CARD ACCESS WILL KEEP AWAY THOSE THAT DON'T HAVE A CREDIT CARD, THOSE THAT ARE WARY OF ONLINE FRAUD, AND THOSE THAT DON'T LIKE ALL THE INCONVENIENCE THAT THIS BULLSHIT WOULD ENTAIL.

THE IMMORAL LAWMAKERS WANT TO TAKE AWAY OUR FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHTS. AN ADULT SHOULD BE ABLE TO GO SURF THE WEB WITHOUT HAVING TO REGISTER AT VARIOUS SITES THAT HE GOES TO. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I DON'T WANT TO GIVE OUT MY CREDIT CARD NUMBER TO TO A BUNCH OF UNFAMILIAR BUSINESSES EVERY TIME I GO TO A PORN SITE. YOU ARE MAGNIFYING THE RISK OF CREDIT CARD FRAUD TREMENDOUSLY. THE LAW IS INTENDED KEEP CHILDREN OFF OF CERTAIN AREAS OF THE INTERNET. BUT YOU SHOULDN'T DO THAT IN A WAY THAT RESTRICTS THE FREEDOM OF ADULTS. THE PARENTS OF THE CHILDREN SHOULD BE THE ONES WITH THE BURDEN OF KEEPING THEIR CHILDREN OFF OF ADULT SITES. PARENTS DON'T WANT TO ACT LIKE PARENTS THESE DAYS.

THESE BASTARDS IN CONGRESS SHOULD BE MAKING LAWS AGAINST PARENTS LETTING THEIR CHILDREN SURF THE WEB UNATTENDED WITHOUT FILTERING SOFTWARE INSTEAD. DOESN'T THAT MAKE MORE SENSE? SHOULDN'T THE CHILDREN BE THE ONES RESTRICTED ON THE INTERNET SINCE A LOT OF WHAT IS OUT THERE IS NOT APPROPRIATE FOR THEM INSTEAD OF RESTRICTING THE RIGHTS OF ADULTS WHO DON'T WANT AND DON'T NEED TO BE RESTRICTED FOR THEIR OWN PROTECTION? FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT ARE SIMPLE, THE ANSWER IS YES.

AND FINALLY, IN NAKED FEMALE CELBRITY NEWS, FORMER GO-GO's SINGER, BELINDA CARLISLE IS POSING NUDE. YEAH! SHE IS POSING IN THE AUGUST ISSUE OF PLAYBOY MAGAZINE. BELINDA CARLISLE USED TO BE A CHEERLEADER BACK WHEN SHE WAS YOUNGER. I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO WATCH HER DOING HER CHEERS. I'D BE LOOKING UP HER CROTCH TO GET A GOOD VIEW OF THE CHEER.

THE GO-GO's HAVE A SONG TITLED OUR LIPS ARE SEALED THAT BELINDA SINGS. HER SWEET LIPS MAY BE SEALED, BUT I'LL BET I COULD PRY THEM OPEN WITH MY TONGUE. IT MIGHT TAKE ME AN HOUR OR MORE. EVEN IF I COULDN'T, I WOULD ACCEPT DEFEAT WITH A BIG OLE SMILE ON MY FACE.

LINKS RELATED TO THIS WEEK'S WEAKLY COLLUM.

I GOT A FUCKIN LOTTA LINKS FOR THIS WEEK. I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A FEW LINKS TO SOME COMPANIES THAT PROVIDE SOFTWARE SOLUTION TO KEEP CHILDREN AWAY FROM SITES WITH ADULT CONTENT JUST TO SHOW YOU THAT THEY DO EXIST. IF YOU DON'T USE THEM, THEN DON'T FUCKIN COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN GOING TO PORN SITES YOU MORONS.

SURF CONTROL — FILTERING SOFTWARE. THEY BOUGHT CYBER PATROL.

NETNANNY — FILTERING SOFTWARE

CYBERSITTER — FILTERING SOFTWARE

RSAC — RATING COMPANY FOR WEBSITES

THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW — IF TOM GREEN DOESN'T GO TO JAIL, HE WILL LIKELY BE BACK ON THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW.

PLAYBOY ONLINE — BELINDA CARLISLE WILL BE NUDE IN THE AUGUST ISSUE OF PLAYBOY.

FUCK THESE DICKHEADS IN CONGRESS THAT WANT TO CONTROL YOU AND ME. RESIST THEM BY GOING TO SOME PORNO SITES. THAT IS WHAT I'M GONNA DO NOW. I'M GONNA LOOK FOR PICTURES OF NAKED CHEERLEADERS WITH THEIR CUNTS EXPOSED TO WACK OFF TO.

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