WEAKLY COLLUM # 0082

FOR MONDAY 06/18/2001

DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.

LET ME START OFF THIS WEEK WITH SOME GOOD NEWS. MASS MURDERING PIECE OF SHIT MOTHER FUCKER, TIMOTHY McVEIGH HAS BEEN EXECUTED. HURRAY! LETS ALL CELEBRATE. OF COURSE A FEW DUMBFUCKS DON'T FEEL TOO HAPPY ABOUT JUSTICE BEING SERVED. FUCK THEM.

McVEIGH's LAWYER STATED THAT HE REPRESENTS PEEPLE, NOT DEFENDANTS, PEEPLE THAT CARE ABOUT AND HAVE TIES TO OTHER PEEPLE AND DON'T WANT TO GIVE THEM UP. BUT WHAT ABOUT ALL THE PEEPLE THAT McVEIGH KILLED? DIDN'T ANY OF THEM HAVE ANY TIES TO ANYONE OR HAVE PEEPLE THAT THEY CARED ABOUT OR WHO CARED ABOUT THEM? HOW COME THE VICTIMS' RELATIVES DON'T SEEM TO MATTER TO THIS LAWYER - OH YEAH! HE IS NOT BEING PAID BY THEM. HIS HEART WAS IN McVEIGH's BACK POCKET INSIDE HIS WALLET.

AFTER THE EXECUTION, THE DUMBFUCK LAWYER TRIED TO MAKE A POINT, A STUPID ASS POINT IF YOU ASK ME. HE TALKED ABOUT HOW TIMOTHY McVEIGH's LOVED ONES HAD LOST SOMEONE THEY CARED ABOUT BECAUSE OF THE WAY HIS CASE TURNED OUT. WELL WHAT ABOUT THE LOVED ONES OF THE 168 PEEPLE THAT TIMOTHY McVEIGH BRUTALLY MURDERED, A BUNCH OF THEM CHILDREN? DON'T THEY COUNT? THIS ASSHOLE LAWYER WAS NAMING McVEIGH FAMILY MEMBERS INDIVIDUALLY. HE MENTIONED ABOUT HIS SISTER LOSING HER BROTHER FOREVER BECAUSE OF CAPITAL PUNISHMENT. BUT THAT IS WRONG. HE WAS A LOST CAUSE. SHE LOST HIM TO THE DARK SIDE LONG AGO. DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR HIM. DON'T SEE HIM AS A VICTIM.

I AM GONNA BE HONEST AND SAY THAT, WHILE I FEEL HAPPY THAT McVEIGH HAS BEEN ELIMINATED FROM THE POPULATION, I WOULD BE EVEN HAPPIER IF THE LAWYER THAT TRIED TO KEEP HIM FROM MEETING HIS JUST PUNISHMENT WOULD BE SIMILIARLY ELIMINATED. HE DESERVES CAPITAL PUNISHMENT HIMSELF. HE IS WORKING ON THE SIDE OF THE ENEMY. PEEPLE LIKE HIM JUST MAKE ME SICK.

I THINK A BEER WILL HELP ME FEEL BETTER. LET ME GO TO THE KITCHEN AND GRAB ONE. DR SIMMONS GETS OUT OF HIS COMFY CHAIR AND TAKES TWO STEPS TOWARDS THE KITCHEN BEFORE TRIPPING OVER HIS COOLER. [THUD] FUCK! WHO PUT THIS HERE? OH I DID? AND I GOT BEERS IN THERE TOO. YEAH! I DIDN'T EVEN NEED TO GET UP.

AS YOU KNOW, I DESPISE LAWYERS THAT SEE CRIMINALS AS VICTIMS AND TRY TO KEEP THEM FROM FACING THEIR FAIR PUNISHMENT, ALL FOR A HELL OF A LOT OF MONEY. IF YOU'VE READ MY WRITINGS, YOU KNOW THAT THERE IS A LOT OF OTHER SHIT THAT I HATE IN THIS SICK FUCKED UP WORLD.

ONE OF THE THINGS THAT I HATE MOST ABOUT THIS FUCKIN STUPID EARTH IS THAT WOMEN IN GENERAL AREN'T NEARLY AS HORNY AS MEN. NOT BY A LONGSHOT. THEY ARE MUCH LESS EAGER TO HAVE SEX FOR ITS OWN SAKE. LOOK AT SWINGER CLUBS. SWING CLUBS ALWAYS HAVE MORE MEN THAN WOMEN EXCEPT FOR THE MANY CLUBS THAT DON'T ALLOW SINGLE MEN AT ALL BECAUSE THERE WOULD BE TOO MANY. WHY? BECAUSE MEN ARE DOGS AND HAVE NO TROBLE HAVING SEX IN THIS KIND OF ATMOSPHERE. MOST WOMEN ARE ADICTED TO SEXUAL MONOGAMY. FUCKIN PISSES ME OFF.

BUT NOW THERE IS A PRODUCT WHICH WILL HELP WOMEN TO BECOME MORE SEXUAL LIKE MEN ARE NATURALLY. IT IS A BLUE HERB LADEN DRINK CALLED NIAGARA. IT APPARENTLY MAKES WOMEN FEEL TINGLY AND MORE IN THE MOOD ROMANTICALLY (MORE EAGER TO FUCK). THIS IS GREAT. I AM SICK OF TALKING TO WOMEN FOR HOURS AND HOURS WHEN I AM NOT IN THE MOOD FOR TALKING JUST TO GET SOME ASS FROM THEM.

NIAGARA, SOMETIMES CALLED THE VIAGRA FOR WOMEN, IS A DRINK MANUFACTURED IN STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN BY A COMPANY BORINGLY CALLED NORDIC DRINKS. A LOCAL COFFEE SHOP IN LITTLEROCK ARKANSAS, THE WYCOFF COFFEE HOUSE, IS THE ONE PROMOTING THE DRINK IN AMERICA. THE BOTTLE CONTAINING THE MAGICAL BLUE MIXTURE SELLS FOR ABOUT FIVE DOLLARS AND LOOKS LIKE A SAMPLE SIZE BOTTLE OF AJAX WINDOW CLEANER. BUT IF IT GETS WOMEN IN THE MOOD FOR ROMANCE (NAKED AND READY TO FUCK), THAT IS ALL THAT I CARE ABOUT.

NIAGARA, UNLIKE VIAGRA, A PRESCRIPTION DRUG WHICH ENHANCES MALE POTENCY, WORKS BETTER FOR WOMEN THAN FOR MEN. THIS IS PROBABLY BECAUSE MEN ARE ALREADY HORNY. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WARM UP AN ENGINE THAT IS ALREADY HOT. WITH WOMEN YOU GOTTA BUY THEM AN EXPENSIVE DINNER THREE NIGHTS IN A ROW AND THEN TELL THEM ALL KINDS OF UNBELIEVABLE BULLSHIT TO GET THEM TO GIVE UP THE BOOTY. AND YOU GOTTA BE NICE TO THEIR KIDS IF THEY HAVE ANY EVEN IF THEY ARE TOTAL BRATS. FUCKIN SUCKS! I THINK I'M GONNA BUY SOME FOR THE WOMEN IN MY LIFE SINCE YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MUCH SEX. WELL I COULD ALWAYS USE MORE ANYWAY.

IN LOCAL INTERNATIONAL NEWS IN SINGAPORE, A CONMAN FACES PRISON TIME AND A FEW CANINGS FOR FONDLING A WOMAN DURING AN EXORCISM. THE WOMAN WAS TOTALLY AT PEACE ABOUT GIVING UP OVER $1,800.00 TO BE RID OF EVIL SPIRITS. BUT SHE WAS UPSET ABOUT BEING GROPED DURING THE PROCEDURE. WOMEN CAN BE PICKY ABOUT HOW THEY WANT TO BE RID OF THEIR EVIL SPIRITS.

THIS KIND OF THING DOESN'T USUALLY HAPPEN IN AMERICA. AERICAN WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT. WOMEN HERE IN AMERICA USUALLY RID THEMSELVES OF EVIL SPIRITS BY DOUCHING. SOMETIMES ONCE, SOMETIMES TWICE IN A DAY. ONLY WHEN THEY CAN'T REGAIN THAT FRESH FEELING AFTER THE FOURTH DOUCHE DO THEY RESORT TO EXORCISM TO GET THE EVIL SPIRITS OUT OF THEIR BODIES. FOR A FEW OF THE WOMEN THAT I HAVE SCREWED WHILE HORNY OR DRUNK AS HELL, NOTHING SHORT OF MAJOR BLASTS OF RADIATION WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO CLEAN OUT THE EVIL SPIRITS FROM THEIR HOOCHES.

I WAS THINKING OF TRYING SOMETHING LIKE A FAKE EXORCISM TO COP A FEEL OFF OF NAIVE UNSUSPECTING WOMEN, BUT I DON'T WANT TO GET BUSTED TOO. I THINK IT IS BETTER FOR ME JUST TO USE THE OLD FASHIONED METHODS THAT I ALWAYS USE. I HAVE GOOD LUCK WHEN I GET WOMEN DRUNK AS SHIT SO THAT THEY LOSE THEIR IRRATIONAL SOCIETY INDUCED INHIBITIONS AGAINST HAVING SEX. I ALSO HAVE LUCK WHEN I SMOKE WEED WITH WOMEN AND GET THEM STONED SO THEY ARE TOO HORNY TO REFUSE MY ADVANCES OR THEY SOMETIMES MAKE A MOVE ON HELPLESS LITTLE ME.

IF THE EXORCIST CONMAN WOULD HAVE GIVEN THE LADY A GLASS OF NIAGARA AS A NECESSARY MAGIC POTION BEFORE BEFORE THE EXORCISM, NOT ONLY WOULD HE HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH THE FRAUD, BUT HE COULD HAVE GOTTEN SOME ASS FROM HIS SUBJECT TOO. ANOTHER BLOWN OPPORTUNITY BECAUSE SOMEONE DIDN'T HAVE THE RIGHT TOOLS AT HIS DISPOSAL WHEN HE NEEDED THEM.

I'M GONNA TAKE A BREAK NOW. I'M GONNA STOP WRITING FOR A WHILE SO THAT I CAN WATCH SOME TV AND RELAX. YOU KNOW I DON'T WRITE THIS SHIT ALL AT ONE TIME, DON'T YOU? LET ME GO TO TV LAND AND SEE WHAT IS ON. HOLY SHIT IT'S THE LOVEBOAT. I GOTTA WATCH THAT. I USED TO WATCH THAT SHOW ALL THE TIME WHEN I WAS YOUNGER. THEY ALWAYS HAVE DIFFERENT TV STARS COME ONTO THE CRUISE IN EACH EPISODE. I'M NOT A PUSSY FOR WATCHING THIS SHOW. I AM NOT A PUSSY. YEAH I AM A PUSSY.

ABE VIGODA, THE OLD FART FROM THE SEVENTIES SITCOM COP SHOW, BARNEY MILLER, IS ON THIS EPISODE. HE IS A CREW MEMBER WHO IS BEING SEDUCED BY SOME OLD BROAD. BUT WHEN ABE IS GETTING IN HIS GROOVE, THE CAPTAIN INTERFERES AND ADMONISHES ABE TO GET BACK TO WORK. HOW CRUEL CAN ONE BE?

THE CAPTAIN IS COCK BLOCKING ABE. FUCKIN PISSES ME OFF. ABE IS OLD. EVEN IN THE SEVENTIES WHEN HE WAS ON BARNEY MILLER, HE WAS OLD. AND HE IS STILL ALIVE TODAY. I'M SURPRISED THAT HE LIVED INTO THE 1980's, MUCH LESS THAT HE SURVIVED INTO THIS MILLENNIUM. THE CAPTAIN SHOULD JUST LEAVE HIM THE FUCK ALONE. LET OLD ABE GET SOME ASS WHILE HE IS STILL AROUND ON THIS EARTH. YOU GOTTA HAVE RESPECT FOR YOUR ELDERS.

AND FINALLY, IN CHAD, A COUNTRY IN AFRICA OR SOUTH AMERICA, FEMALE POLITICAL PROTESTERS STARTED STRIPPING TO MAKE THEIR POINT. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEIR POINT WAS BECAUSE I AM TOO FOCUSED ON THE STRIPPING PART. MORE THAN A HUNDRED WOMEN PROTESTERS STARTED STRIPPING OUTSIDE OF THE FRENCH EMBASSY TO PROTEST WHAT THEY FELT WAS A RIGGED ELECTION FOR THE PRESIDENCY.

POLICE USED TEAR GAS ON THE PROTESTERS TO KEEP THEM FROM GETTING OUT OF CONTROL. YOU KNOW THE DAMAGE THAT A HUNDRED NAKED WOMEN CAN DO WHEN THEY GET FOCUSED ON A CAUSE. THIRTEEN WOMEN WERE HURT IN THE CONFRONTATION. I THINK THE POLICE PANICKED BECAUSE MOST OF THEM AREN'T REAL MEN AND THE SIGHT OF ALL THAT WILD PUSSY SCARED THE LIVING HELL OUT OF THEM. THESE DUDES NEED TO SEEK THERAPY.

THE POLICE SHOULDN'T HAVE USED TEAR GAS ON THE STRIPPING PROTESTER. THAT IS HARSH. THEY SHOULD NEVER HAVE DONE IT, NOT UNLESS THE WOMEN WERE REAL SKANKY. THEN IT IS COMPLETELY ALRIGHT SINCE THAT AFFECTS THE WELL BEING OF THE GENERAL PUBLIC.

I WONDER WHY THESE WOMEN DECIDED TO STRIP IN THEIR PROTEST. MAYBE THEY WERE STRIPPING BECAUSE THEY HAD JUST SWALLOWED DOWN A FEW BOTTLES OF NIAGARA A HALF HOUR EARLIER. IN ANY EVENT, I FEEL THIS WORLD WOULD BE A BETTER PLACE IF MORE WOMEN PROTESTERS WOULD STRIP WHILE THEY ARE FIGHTING FOR THEIR CAUSE.

LINKS RELATED TO THIS WEEK'S WEAKLY COLLUM.

NIAGARA — YOU CAN BUY NIAGARA ONLINE HERE.

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