WEAKLY COLLUM # 0083

FOR MONDAY 06/25/2001

DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.

IN INCESTUAL INFERTILIZATION NEWS, A 62 YEAR OLD WOMAN IN PARIS GAVE BIRTH LAST MONTH. BABIES HAVING BABIES. THE WOMEN APPARENTLY HAS A BODY THAT WON'T QUIT. SHE RENTED THAT BODY OUT TO BE A SURROGATE MOTHER. WOW! BUT THEN SHE LATER DISCLOSED THAT THE FATHER OF THE BABY IS HER 52 YEAR OLD BROTHER. THESE TWO KNUCKLEHEADS, ALONG WITH THE BABY AND A PREVIOUS SURROGATE BABY THAT SHE ALSO HOSTED, ALL LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE WITH THE COUPLE'S, I MEAN THE BROTHER AND SISTER's 80 YEAR OLD MOTHER. I WOULD LOVE TO BE A FLY ON THE WALL IN THAT HOUSEHOLD.

THE WACKY OLD LADY FROM PARIS SAID THAT SHE HAD USED HER BROTHER TO FATHER THE BABY IN ORDER TO CONTINUE THE FAMILY LINE. THE HUSBAND, FATHER, BROTHER, WHATEVER FAMILIAL TITLE YOU WANT TO GIVE TO HIM, HAS SUFFERED FROM BLINDNESS, PARALYSIS, AND A DISFIGURED FACE SINCE 1992 WHEN HE UNSUCCESSFULLY TRIED TO KILL HIMSELF WITH A SHOTGUN. THIS COUPLE IS GONNA BE GREAT PARENTS. I JUST HAVE ONE QUESTION. IS THAT PARIS, WEST VIRGINIA? THAT'S WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE TO ME.

IN TECHNOLOGY NEWS, EVIL MICROSOFT IS AT IT AGAIN. FUCKING AROUND WITH SHIT THEY SHOULD NEVER EVEN CONSIDER FUCKING WITH. BUT THAT IS MICROSOFT. IT SEEMS THAT MICROSOFT HAS INVENTED SOMETHING CALLED "SMART TAGS", AND EVIL MICROSFOT PLANS TO IMPLEMENT THEM IN THEIR NEW WINDOWS XP OPERATING SYSTEM.

SMART TAGS ARE A WEBPAGE CODE WHICH CAUSES A WEB BROWSER TO DISPLAY A WEB PAGE DIFFERENT THAN IT WAS CODED, DIFFERENT THAN IT WAS MEANT TO BE DISPLAYED BY THE PERSON WHO WROTE THE CODE FOR THE WEBPAGE. MICROSOFT CAN MAKE A WEBPAGE DISPLAY ADS FOR COMPANIES THAT PAY MICROSOFT. USERS THAT CLICK ON THE ADS WILL BE TAKEN TO THAT COMPANY'S WEBSITE AND MICROSOFT WILL POCKET THE FEE EVEN THOUGH THE AD WAS NEVER ON THE WEBSITE THAT THE USER WAS VISITING. FUCKIN ROTS IF YOU ASK ME.

SMART TAGS ARE MICROSOFTS WAY OF SCREWING OVER THE OWNERS OF WEBSITES FOR THEIR MONETARY GAIN. THEY ARE PAGEJACKING SOMEONE'S SITE AND DISPLAYING THEIR OWN CONTENT ON IT AT THE WEBSITE'S EXPENSE. ISN'T THIS SHIT ILLEGAL? IT SHOULD BE.

EVIL MICROSOFT LOVES THE MONEY THAT THIS IMMORAL STRATEGY WILL BRING IN. CORPORATIONS THAT PAY MICROSOFT FOR ADVERTISING WILL HAVE THEIR ADS SHOWING UP ON OTHER PEEPLE'S WEBSITES WITHOUT THEIR KNOWLEDGE OR PERMISSION. AND WONDERFUL MICROSOFT WILL BE POCKETING THE MONEY, NOT THE WEBSITE OWNERS IF THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH IT. SHIT LIKE THIS IS THE REASON THAT SO MANY PEEPLE HATE MICROSOFT.

THE WEBPAGES THAT YOU AND ME WORKED SO HARD TO PERFECT WILL BE USED TO BAG MICROSOFT SOME EASY DOUGH. THEY CAN TAKE A GOOD WEBSITE AND MAKE IT LOOK BAD. AND THE WEB SURFER MIGHT NOT EVEN KNOW THAT IT'S NOT THE WEBMASTER'S FAULT THAT THE SITE SUCKS BECAUSE OF THE OVER ADVERTISING. EVIL MICROSOFT DOESN'T HAVE TO DIRTY UP ITS OWN WEBPAGES WITH ADS TO MAKE MONEY. THEY CAN DO IT WITH YOURS. I BET YOU CAN'T WAIT UNTIL WINDOWS XP HITS THE SHELVES.

WITH SMART TAGS, EVERYONE'S WEBPAGES WILL LOOK THE WAY MICROSOFT INTENDS THEM TO LOOK, NOT THE WAY THE WEBMASTER WANTS THEM TO LOOK. MICROSOFT WILL BE DISPLAYING THEIR CONTENT FOR THE WEB SURFER WHILE USING ANOTHER SITE'S BANDWIDTH. THE WEB WILL BE JUST LIKE MICROSOFTLAND. I DESPISE MICROSOFT AS IT IS. I DON'T WANT TO SEE THEM AND THEIR ADVERTISEMENTS ON EVERY FUCKIN WEBSITE THAT I GO TO. BUT THAT IS WHAT EVIL MICROSOFT WANTS AND WHAT THEY THINK IS RIGHT IN THEIR MICROSOFTCENTRIC VIEW OF THE WORLD.

THAT'S ALL WE NEED, MORE ADS ON THE INTERNET. ONE OF THE REASONS THE INTERNET IS HAVING SO MANY PROBLEMS LATELY IS THAT MORE AND MORE PAGES ARE BECOMING SHITTY BECAUSE OF TOO MUCH ADVERTISING AND TOO LITTLE CONTENT. AND MICROSOFT IS GOING TO ARTIFICALLY ADD TO THAT SO THAT THEY CAN MAKE THEIR CROOKED MONEY.

THIS SHIT IS LIKE SELLING TV's THAT SHOW PREPROGRAMMED COMMERCIALS ON THEM INSTEAD OF THE PROGRAMS ON THE CHANNELS THAT YOU ARE TUNED INTO. WOULD YOU BUY A TV LIKE THAT? WOULD YOU BE ANGRY IF SOMEONE SOLD YOU ONE? WELL MICROSOFT DOESN'T CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT OR ABOUT WHAT IS RIGHT. IF THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH IT, THEN THEY WILL DO IT. THEY SHOULDN'T USE THEIR "SMART TAGS" STRATEGY JUST BECAUSE THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH IT. SOME TECHNOLOGY IS NOT MEANT TO BE USED.

BUT MICROSOFT WILL DO WHATEVER THEY THINK THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH. THEY HAVE LESS INTEGRITY THAN A FIRESTONE TIRE. I WENT TO THEIR WEBPAGE AND BITCHED THEM OUT. I LIST MY COMMENTS BELOW. I HOPE YOU ALL WILL BITCH THEIR CRIMINAL ASSES OUT TOO. GO TO THE SUPPORT PAGE AND TELL THEM WHAT YOU THINK, WELL ONLY IF YOU AGREE WITH ME.

SUBMITTED BY FORM TO EVIL MICROSOFT 11:30 AM JUNE 24 2001

I READ ABOUT YOUR IDEA TO USE "SMART TAG" TO PUT MONEY INTO YOUR POCKET BY FALSELY DISPLAYING WEB CONTENT FROM SOMEONE ELSE'S SITE WITHOUT THEIR KNOWLEDGE OR PERMISSION. THAT IS OUTRIGHT FRAUD. A SITE THAT DOESN'T WANT AND DOESN'T PUT ANY ADVERTISEMENTS WILL HAVE THEM PUT THERE ANYWAY BY YOU SO THAT YOU CAN MAKE MONEY OFF OF OTHER PEEPLE'S HARD WORK. IF YOUR SOFTWARE MAKES THIS GARBAGE SHOW UP ON MY SITE, AND I WILL TEST FOR IT, I WILL SERIOUSLY CONSIDER SUING YOU, AND I WILL ENCOURAGE OTHERS TO DO THE SAME. I DON'T CARE IF SMART TAGS ARE TURNED OFF BY DEFAULT. THEY CAN BE TURNED ON AND USED AGAINST THE WEBMASTER'S WISHES. THIS KIND OF GARBAGE IS THE REASON WHY SO MANY PEEPLE HATE MICROSOFT. REMOVE THIS FEATURE IN YOUR NEXT PRODUCT OR YOU WILL FACE THE CONSEQUENCES - CONSEQUENCES THAT WILL BE HARD TO REVERSE ONCE THE PRODUCT HAS BEEN RELEASED. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

DOCTER ARTEUS SIMMONS

LET'S CHANGE THE TOPIC NOW SINCE TALKING ABOUT EVIL MICROSOFT IS MAKING ME SICK. AN INNOVATIVE SEX SHOP CHAIN IN LONDON HAS GONE OUT ON A LIMB (NOT THE LIMB YOU ARE THINKING OF) AND CREATED A NEW HOLIDAY, NATIONAL ORGASM DAY. THE ANN SUMMERS CHAIN OF SEX STORES, USING THE SLOGAN "MAKE IT NOT FAKE IT", HAVE OFFICIALLY MADE JULY 31 NATIONAL ORGASM DAY. MORE POWER TO THEM. ME AND OTHER MEN LIKE ME ARE SICK OF FAKING OUR ORGASMS AND CHEATING OURSELVES OUT OF SEXUAL SATISFACTION.

EVEN THOUGH NATIONAL ORGASM DAY IS AN OFFICIAL DAY OF CELEBRATION FOR THE COUNTRY OF ENGLAND, I AM GOING TO RECOGNIZE IT AS A DAY OF CELEBRATION IN AMERICA ALSO. IN FACT, IT IS A GLOBAL DAY OF CELEBRATION IN MY BOOK. MEN AND WOMEN SHOULD BE ACHEIVING THE BIG O AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE.

WOMEN IN PARTICULAR HAVE BEEN TAUGHT TO FAKE THEIR ORGASM BY STUPID WOMENS MAGAZINES AND OTHER PHILOSOPHICALLY IGNORANT SOURCES. THIS IS A DISSERVICE TO BOTH WOMEN AND MEN. WHILE I AM NOT MUCH INTO CENSORSHIP, I WOULDN'T MIND SEEING A LOT OF THESE MAGAZINES BURNED UP IN A HUGE TEXAS A & M STYLE BONFIRE FOR ENCOURAGING WOMEN TO REJECT THEIR SEXUALITY AND TO DEPRIVE MEN OF SEX WHENVER POSSIBLE TO GAIN SOME SORT OF NEUROTIC ADVANTAGE IN THE BATTLE OF THE SEXES. SUCH A BONFIRE WOULD BE LIKE LIGHTING FIFTY TONS OF SHIT ON FIRE.

HERE'S ANOTHER STORY FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT LIKE NEWS STORIES FROM LONDON. IN FLATULENCE NEWS, SOME ILL WIND HAS BEEN CREATED AFTER A POLICE OFFICER APPARENTLY FARTED IN SOMEONE'S HOUSE DURING A RAID AND DIDN'T APOLOGIZE AFTERWARDS. AN INVESTIGATION IS BEING MADE INTO THE INCIDENT. SCOTTLAND YARD MUST BE A TOUGH PLACE TO WORK IF THEY KEEP TRACK OF WHO FARTS AND WHEN. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY WILL DO TO THE OFFICER WHEN THE INVESTIGATION IS OVER. THIS SHIT PROBABLY AINT IN THE POLICE HANDBOOK.

IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, MAYBE THIS IS A GOOD IDEA FOR LAW ENFORCEMENT TO IMPLEMENT. MAYBE THAT SHOULD BE PART OF THE PUNISHMENT FOR BEING A CRIMINAL - SOMEONE BROUGHT INTO YOUR HOUSE WHO FARTS LIKE THERE IS NO TOMORROW. IT IS A DEVIATION FROM USING TEAR GAS, BUT IT WILL STILL BRING TEARS TO YOUR EYES IF IT IS CONCENTRATED ENOUGH.

THE POLICE COULD TAKE TWO OR THREE DESIGNATED FARTERS TO TACO BELL AND FEED THEM ALL KINDS OF BURRITOS. THEN THEY WILL BE READY TO STINK UP THE CRIMINAL'S PLACE. THE CRIMINAL WILL BE HURTING LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER WHEN THE DESIGNATED FARTERS RELEASE THEIR PENT UP GAS ALL AT ONCE. WHILE THEY ARE THERE THEY COULD TAKE A PISS AND GET IT ALL OVER THE SEAT AND FLOOR, THEN NOT FLUSH THE TOILET. THEY COULD MAYBE EVEN HAVE A GUY TAKE A SHIT ON THE COUCH, THEN RUB HIS ASS AROUND IN IT TO GROUND IT INTO THE UPHOLSTERY. IF LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICERS WOULD START DOING STUFF LIKE THIS, THEN THAT WOULD REALLY DETER A LOT OF WOULD BE CRIMINALS.

BUT THEN AGAIN, THIS MIGHT NOT BE SUCH A GOOD IDEA. THERE COULD BE AN ABUSE OF POWER ISSUE HERE. IF YOU GOT PULLED OVER FOR GOING TEN MILES OVER THE SPEED LIMIT, WILL THE OFFICER BE ALLOWED TO TAKE A DUMP IN THE BACK SEAT OF YOUR CAR, OR WOULD THAT BE A VIOLATION OF YOUR MIRANDA RIGHTS? I THINK WE NEED TO HAVE SOME PUBLIC DISCUSSIONS ON LEGAL ETHICS BEFORE WE IMPLEMENT A PROGRAM LIKE THIS. BUT I THINK THE IDEA DOES HOLD PROMISE IF IT IS PRUDENTLY APPLIED.

LINKS RELATED TO THIS WEEK'S WEAKLY COLLUM.

FARTS.COM — LEARN ALL ABOUT FARTS.

WEAKLY COLLUMS 2001

WEAKLY COLLUM MENU PAGE

DR SIMMONS MAIN PAGE

COPYRIGHT © 2001 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED