WEAKLY COLLUM # 0084

FOR MONDAY 07/02/2001

DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.

I FEEL POWERFUL, IMMENSELY POWERFUL. MORE POWERFUL THAN A HERD OF STAMPEDING ELEPHANTS, BUT A LOT LESS SMELLY. YEAH! I THE GREAT DR SIMMONS WAS ABLE TO PERSUADE BILL GATES AND EVIL MICROSOFT TO SCRAP THEIR "SMART TAGS" IDEA IN THE NEW VERSION OF INTERNET EXPLORER THAT COMES AS AN ANNOYING TAG ALONG TO MICROSOFT'S FORTHCOMING OPERATING SYSTEM, WINDOWS XP. BETWEEN MY WRITING ABOUT THIS ISSUE IN LAST WEEK'S WEAKLY COLLUM AND THE E-MAIL THAT I WROTE MICROSOFT INSULTING THEIR INTEGRITY, I WAS ABLE TO PERSUADE THEM TO GIVE UP THE NONSENSE AND GET RID OF "SMART TAGS" BECAUSE THEY ARE REALLY DUMB TAGS.

SMART TAGS WERE JUST ANOTHER IMMORAL IDEA CREATED BY MICROSOFT TO MAKE UNDESERVED MONEY OFF OF THE COMPUTER POPULATION OF THE WORLD. SOMEONE WITH SMART TAGS ENABLED WOULD SEE LINKS THAT MICROSOFT ARTIFICIALLY PLACE IN THE BROWSER WINDOW INSTEAD OF THE ACTUAL CONTENT THAT IS ON SOMEONE'S WEBPAGE. THEY COULD HAVE PUT LINKS TO THEIR ADVERTISERS ON OTHER'S WEBPAGES WITHOUT THEIR KNOWLEDGE OR PERMISSION. FUCKIN CRIMINALS. I'M GLAD I WAS ABLE TO TALK THEM OUT OF IT.

IN OTHER COMPUTER NEWS, ANOTHER REALLY BRIGHT HIGHLY INTELLIGENT LOSER HAS CREATED ANOTHER DESTRUCTIVE COMPUTER VIRUS. SOMEONE WHO SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THERAPY CREATED A VIRUS WHICH DISGUISES ITSELF AS AN E-MAIL OFFERING PICTURES OF SEXY SINGER, JENNIFER LOPEZ, ON THE BEACH. I ALMOST FELL FOR IT MYSELF, EXCEPT THAT I WAS TOO BUSY WACKING OFF TO PICTURES OF ANNA KOURNIKOVA THAT HAVE BEEN PLASTERED OVER THE INTERNET LATELY.

THESE VIRUS WRITERS HAVE DONE A LOT OF DAMAGE OVER THE YEARS TO COMPUTER USERS, ALTHOUGH NOT AS MUCH DAMAGE AS MICROSOFT WITH THEIR VIRUS PRONE SOFTWARE, THEIR SHITTY MEMORY HOGGING PROGRAMS AND THEIR EDLIN LINE EDITOR THAT WAS A CORNERSTONE OF THEIR EARLY VERSIONS OF MS-DOS. THE ABILITY TO DESTROY IS SO MUCH EASIER TO ACQUIRE THAN THE ABILITY TO CREATE. THAT IS WHY THESE LOSERS WRITE VIRUSES.

I WISH THEY WOULD STOP USING VIRUSES TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF US HORNY GUYS. THEY SHOULD MAKE VIRUSES THAT DO THE OPPOSITE. THEY SHOULD MAKE A "SEXUALLY ASCETIC VIRUS" WHICH PROPOSES TO ELIMINATE ALL PORNOGRAPHY ON EARTH, BUT ACTUALLY ERASES EVERYTHING ON THEIR COMPUTER SO THAT THESE FUCKIN BASTARDS KNOW WHAT CENSORSHIP FEELS LIKE.

SOMEONE COULD MAKE A VIRUS CALLED "CATHOLIC PRIEST" WHICH ADVERTISES PICTURES OF VULNERABLE LITTLE ALTER BOYS FOR SEXUAL CONQUEST, BUT WHEN ACTIVATED ERASES ALL THE RELIGIOUS CONTRADICTIONS, DOGMA, NEGATIVITY TOWARDS ENJOYABLE SEX, AND JUST PLAIN BULLSHIT FROM THEIR COMPUTERS AND HOPEFULLY FROM THEIR MINDS AS WELL. WHY DON'T EVIL VIRUS WRITERS PUT THEIR GENIUS AND CREATIVITY TOWARDS WRITING HELPFUL PROGRAMS LIKE THIS?

SPEAKING OF CATHOLIC PRIESTS, IN RELIGIOUS NEWS OR NON NEWS, A FRENCH BISHOP HAS BEEN URGING CATHOLIC COUPLES NOT TO HAVE THEIR WEDDINGS IN JUNE, ESPECIALLY ON THE WEEKEND DAYS. BISHOP MICHEL DUBOST SAYS THAT THE PRACTICE OF GETTING MARRIED IN JUNE GIVES PRIESTS AN OVERWHELMING WORKLOAD TO DEAL WITH. TOO MANY WEDDINGS ON THE WEEKENDS DURING THE SUMMER CUTS INTO THE PRIEST'S LEISURE TIME. PRIESTS NEED THAT TIME AVAILABLE TO MOLEST LITTLE CHILDREN. THEY ALSO NEED THAT SPARE TIME TO WRITE SERMONS TALKING ABOUT HOW BAD SEX IS.

DADDY, CAN I HAVE A ZEBRA? PLEASE! IN ZOOLOGY NEWS, A SHETLAND PONY IN ENGLAND GAVE BIRTH TO A FUCKIN ZEBRA. WHAT? I DIDN'T KNOW THEY COULD DO THAT. THEY NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT THIS CROSS SPECIES SHIT IN SCHOOL. WHAT THE HELL IS A SHETLAND PONY ANYWAY?

THE SHITLAND PONY WAS APPARENTLY FUCKED BY A MALE ZEBRA THAT WAS KEPT IN THE SAME FIELD AS THE PONY AT ITS PREVIOUS HOME. THAT'S BEASTIALITY IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT. BUT NEITHER THE ZEBRA NOR THE SHITLAND PONY CARED ABOUT THAT AT THE TIME. THEY WERE HORNY AS HELL AND JUST WANTED TO SCREW WHATEVER WARM BODY THEY COULD FIND. MAYBE THEIR ANCESTORS WERE FROM WEST VIRGINIA.

IN OTHER NEWS, VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY IS HAVING HEART PROBLEMS, AGAIN. AFTER HAVING SUFFERED A HEART ATTCK AFTER THE ELCTION LAST YEAR AND HAVING A STENT PUT INSIDE HIS CHEST BACK IN MARCH, CHENEY NOW HAS A PACE MAKER. I DON'T KNOW IF THAT WILL BE ENOUGH. THE STRESS OF BEING VICE PRESIDENT IS IMMENSE. THE STRAIN OF HAVING TO COVER UP OR TO ENDURE ALL OF GEORGE W BUSH'S SOCIAL BLUNDERS AND VARIOUS OTHER FUCKUPS WILL REALLY PUT CHENEY'S NEW PACEMAKER TO THE TEST. I THINK CHENEY LIKELY AINT GONNA MAKE IT THROUGH HIS FIRST TERM AS VICE PRESIDENT.

YOU KNOW THAT IF DICK CHENEY CROAKS, THEN GEORGE W BUSH WILL BE IN CHARGE OF OUR ALREADY ENDANGERED COUNTRY. CALLAMITY! THAT WOULD BE ALMOST AS BAD AS IF GEORGE BUSH SENIOR HAD CROAKED WHILE PRESIDENT AND DAN QUAYLE HAD TAKEN THE REIGNS OF OUR COUNTRY. I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT. IT'S LIKE WORRYING ABOUT A NUCLEAR WAR BREAKING OUT. IT WOULD BE TERRIBLE AND THERE WOULD BE NOTHING THAT WE COULD DO. I CAN'T THINK ABOUT SHIT LIKE THIS. I NEED ANOTHER FUCKIN BEER.

LINKS RELATED TO THIS WEEK'S WEAKLY COLLUM.

I DON'T FUCKIN FEEL LIKE GIVING YOU ANY LINKS THIS WEEK. MAKE LOVE TO YOUR WIFE OR PLAY WITH YOUR KIDS OR CLEAN THE FUCKIN HOUSE FOR A CHANGE INSTEAD OF ALWAYS WASTING TIME SURFING THE NET.

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