WEAKLY COLLUM # 0085
FOR MONDAY 07/09/2001
COPYRIGHT © 2001 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
WEAKLY COLLUM # 0085
FOR MONDAY 07/09/2001
DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.
IT'S REALLY FUCKIN NICE OUTSIDE, NOT TOO HOT, NOT TOO COLD, PERFECT BLUE SKIES. I SHOULD BE OUTSIDE ENJOYING THE WEATHER, BUT I AM INSIDE WRITING THIS SHIT FOR YOU.
IN BORING NEWS, NORTH DAKOTA WANTS TO CHANGE ITS IMAGE. THEY DON'T WANT TO BE KNOWN ANY MORE AS A BORING STATE. GOOD! I AM GLAD THEY ARE TAKING STEPS TO MAKE THE STATE MORE EXCITING. I WISH EVERY BORING STATE WOULD DO THAT.
TO DO THIS, THEY ARE CONSIDERING CHANGING THE STATE'S NAME FROM NORTH DAKOTA TO "DAKOTA". WAIT! THAT'S NOT GONNA HELP. I THOUGHT THAT THEY WERE GONNA TRY TO MAKE THEIR BORING STATE MORE EXCITING. THIS NAME CHANGE SHIT AINT GONNA HELP THEM OUT AT ALL. IN FACT, I THINK STATES THAT ARE ALREADY BORING ARE THE ONES THAT WERE ASSIGNED BORING NAMES.
IT IS TRUE THAT ONE OF THE REASONS FOR NORTH DAKOTA BEING BORING IS THE NAME "DAKOTA" WHETHER OR NOT IT HAS A NORTH IN FRONT OF IT. (OR A SOUTH FOR THAT MATTER - SOUTH DAKOTA AINT TOO EXCITING EITHER.) WHY DON'T WE JUST CALL NORTH DAKOTA "COLD BORING STATE"? NO WAIT! THAT'S ALREADY TAKEN WITH MONTANA.
BUT STATE BORINGNESS GOES WAY BEYOND THE NOMENCLATURE. IT REFLECTS THE LIFESTYLE OF ITS INHABITANTS AND THE ENTERTAINMENT CHOICES AVAILABLE TO THEM. IF NORTH DAKOTA DOESN'T WANT TO BE BORING ANYMORE, THEN THEY SHOULD TAKE STEPS TO MAKE THEIR STATE LESS BORING THROUGH THE ACTIVITIES THAT THE STATE ALLOWS OR EVEN ENCOURAGES. THEY COULD LEGALIZE PROSTITUTION. PEEPLE WOULD BE COMING FROM BORDERING STATES SO THAT THEY COULD GET SOME PUSSY A LA CARTE INSTEAD OF HAVING TO GET MARRIED TO GET A STEADY BUT DECREASING STREAM OF PUSSY WITH THE SAME WOMAN.
THEY COULD ALSO LEGALIZE MARIJUANA AND SHOW THE REST OF THE COUNTRY THAT THEY AINT UPTIGHT LIKE THEM. THEY COULD LOWER THE LEGAL AGE OF FUCKING TO SIXTEEN LIKE THEY DO IN THE NETHERLANDS SO THAT NORTH DAKOTA WOULD BE THE PLACE TO GO TO GET SWEET YOUNG PUSSY. THEY GOTTA DO SOMETHING. IF NOTHING ELSE, THEY SHOULD AT LEAST TRY TO GET A PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL TEAM THERE.
SPEAKING OF BORING, SOME BRITISH VICAR (RELIGIOUS DUDE) PREACHED THE WORLD'S LONGEST SERMON. CHRIS STERRY PRECHED A SERMON ON THE OLD TESTAMENT THAT WENT OVER TWENTY EIGHT HOURS. GASP! THAT MUST HAVE BEEN HELL. EVEN THE HALF HOUR ONES BORE THE FUCK OUT OF ME. I CAN'T LISTEN TO SOME RELIGIOUS FANATIC CONFORMIST TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE BASED ON THE SILLY IDEA CONTAINED IN THE BIBLE.
YOU KNOW THAT SERMON WAS BORING AS SHIT. FIRST OF ALL, IT INVOLVES RELIGION. SECOND OF ALL, THIS HAPPENED IN ENGLAND WHERE BORING PRESENTATIONS ARE NO STRANGER. AND THIRD OF ALL, AFTER FIVE OR SIX HOURS, A LOT OF DUDES WERE PROBABLY GETTING HORNY WHICH IS NATURAL, BUT THEY ARE STUCK IN CHURCH LISTENING TO SOME BRITISH RELIGIOUS DUDE RUN HIS MOUTH OFF ABOUT WHO IS GOING TO HELL AND WHO IS STUCK IN THE LIONS DEN.
I WONDER WHY ANYONE WOULD WANT TO SIT THROUGH A SERMON THAT LONG, EVEN IF YOU LIKE CHURCH AND ALL THAT. DON'T THESE PEEPLE HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO WITH THEIR LIVES? THESE PEEPLE NEED TO GET A LIFE.
SOME OF YOU ARE WONDERING HOW THIS BRITISH VICAR DUDE RELIEVED HIMSELF DURING HIS LONG SERMON. (HIS BLADDER NOT HIS SEXUAL URGES) STERRY HAD HIS "PULPIT POTTY" ON HAND SO THAT HE COULD DRAIN HIS LIZARD WHILE PREACHING. PISS WAS COMING OUT HIS BODY WHILE SHIT WAS COMING OUT HIS MOUTH AS HE INFESTED HIS RELIGIOUS DOGMA ONTO THE CONGREGATION.
STERRY WAS TRYING TO MAKE IT INTO THE GUINESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS WHERE THE PREVIOUS RECORD FOR LONG BORING SERMONS WAS ABOUT TWENTY SEVEN HOURS. TO GET INTO THE GUINESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS, STERRY HAD TO REFRAIN FROM REPEATING HIMSELF, NOT TAKE PAUSES LONGER THAN TEN SECONDS OR TALK NONSENSE. IF HE TALKED ABOUT THE OLD TESTAMENT OF THE BIBLE AS IF IT HAD SOME SERIOUS INTELLIGIBLE MEANING, THEN THEN HE FAILED MISERABLY ON THE TALKING NONSENSE PART. BUT THEN AGAIN, VIRTUALLY EVERY SERMON WOULD FAIL ON THIS CRITERIA IF IT WAS BASED ON THE FICTIONAL BIBLE.
IN SPY NEWS, FBI SPY EXTRAORDINAIRE, ROBERT HANSSEN IS GONNA BE IN JAIL FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE FOR HIS FIFTEEN YEARS OF FUN THAT HE HAD AS A DOUBLE AGENT SPYING FOR MOSCOW. IN EXCHANGE FOR A GUILTY PLEA, HANSSEN WILL NOT FACE THE DEATH PENALTY.
BUT HE DOESN'T SEEM LIKE SOMEONE WHO IS GONNA SPEND THE REST OF HIS LIFE IN JAIL. EVERY TIME THEY SHOW A PICTURE OF HIM IN THE NEWS, HE IS ALWAYS SMILING WITH THAT GOOFY SMILE LIKE HE JUST LOST HIS VIRGINITY FIVE MINUTES EARLIER. BUT HE IS GONNA ROT IN JAIL FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE. I GUESS HE HASN'T BEEN ABLE TO ACCEPT REALITY YET.
THIS FUCKUP FBI DUDE IS NOT RELATED IN ANY WAY TO HANSEN, THE BORING CHRISTIAN GOODY GOODY MUSICAL GROUP. I'VE GOTTEN AWAY FROM BORING SUBJECTS NOW. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THAT AFTER TALKING ABOUT THAT WORLD'S LONGEST SERMON STORY.
AND FINALLY, IN AN EVENT THAT IS IDIOTIC, BUT IS NOT BORING, PAMPLONA, SPAIN HAD ITS ANNUAL "RUNNING OF THE DUMBFUCKS" THIS WEEK. THIS IS THE STUPID TRADITION OF RUNNING IN FRONT OF A BUNCH OF STAMPEDING BULLS FOR THE HELL OF IT. NINE MORONS WERE INJURED IN THE FESTIVITIES THIS YEAR.
THE EVENT IS TERMED BY MANY IN SPAIN AND AROUND THE WORLD AS "THE RUNNING OF THE BULLS" WHICH MAKES SENSE BECAUSE OF THE BULLS RUNNING AFTER PEEPLE TRYING TO GORE THEM INTO BITS WITH THEIR SHARP HORNS. BUT I CALL IT "RUNNING OF THE DUMBFUCKS" INSTEAD OF "RUNNING OF THE BULLS" LIKE THEY CALL IT BECAUSE I AM FOCUSING ON THE HUMAN PARTICIPANTS IN THE EVENT RATHER THAN ON THE LIVESTOCK THERE.
EVENTS LIKE THIS IS WHY SPAIN WILL NEVER BE A SUPER POWER. THEY ARE TOO SATURATED WITH NO BRAIN KNUCKLEHEADS THAT ARE EAGER TO PERPETUATE STUPID TRADITIONS. WHAT ABOUT THE AMERICANS THAT TAKE PART IN THIS TRADITION YOU ASK? THE LAST PERSON TO DIE IN THE EVENT WAS AN AMERICAN. WE HAVE A FEW STUPID DUMBFUCKS IN THIS COUNTRY TOO. AND WE SEND THEM OVER TO PAMPLONA, SPAIN EVERY YEAR IN EARLY JULY TO HOPEFULLY GET RID OF A FEW OF THEM SO THEY DON'T DO SOMETHING STUPID WHICH ENDS UP KILLING SOME INNOCENT BYSTANDERS HERE IN AMERICA.
I WAS HOPING A FEW OF THESE MORONS WOULD BE KILLED BY THE TAUNTED BULLS THIS YEAR, BUT NOT BECAUSE I AM A SICK PERSON. I THINK IT IS TO THE BENEFIT OF THE HUMAN RACE WHEN THE SIMPLEST, STUPIDEST, DAREDEVILISH MORONS REMOVE THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL SO THAT THE WORLD IS A BETTER, SAFER PLACE FOR THE REST OF US. THIS WOULD UP THE AVERAGE OF HUMAN GENETIC INTEGRITY.
THIS IS CHARLES DARWINS' SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST IN ACTION. SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST OFTEN MEANS ELIMINATION OF THE STUPIDEST OF A SPECIES, ESPECIALLY WITH HUMANS. THIS ENTIRE EVENT IS NOTHING BUT DANGEROUS MASS STUPIDITY. AND I REALLY REALLY HATE STUPIDITY, ESPECIALLY RITUALIZED STUPIDITY LIKE THIS BULLSHIT.
EXCUSE ME! I'M GONNA GO GRAB A BULL RIGHT NOW, A SCHLITZ MALT LIQUOR BULL. IT MAY HURT ME, OR ONE OF ITS ICE BEER FRIENDS THAT I CHASE IT DOWN WITH MAY DO ME IN, BUT IT WON'T GIVE ME ANY HORN WOUNDS. COPYRIGHT © 2001 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED