WEAKLY COLLUM # 0087
FOR MONDAY 07/23/2001
COPYRIGHT © 2001 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
WEAKLY COLLUM # 0087
FOR MONDAY 07/23/2001
DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.
IN FISHING NEWS, A NORWEGIAN FISHERMAN CAUGHT A BIG ONE. HIS CATCH WEIGHED OVER 200 POUNDS. HE CAUGHT ANOTHER FISHERMAN. A DANISH FISHERMAN (A FISHERMAN MADE OUT OF DANISHES) FELL INTO THE RIVER AND WAS ON HIS WAY TO DROWNVILLE WHEN THE NORWEGIAN FISHERMAN CAST HIS LINE OUT AND HOOKED HIM ON THE FIRST TRY. HE THEN REELED THE SIXTY YEAR OLD TO SHORE.
THAT STORY IS REALLY INSPIRING. I THINK I'M GONNA GRAB MY FISHING ROD AND GO TO THE BEACH. I'M GONNA SEE IF I CAN PULL IN A NICE BIKINI BABE SWIMMING IN THE OCEAN. I'M GONNA USE A MEDIUM TEST LINE. IF THE LINE BREAKS WHILE I AM REELING A WOMAN IN, THEN IT PROBABLY MEANS THAT SHE IS TOO FAT. BETTER TO LEAVE HER IN THE OCEAN WITH THE WHALES.
BARK BARK BARK! THERE IS A LOT OF BARKING COMING FROM THE LIVING ROOM. IT IS EITHER ONE OF DR SIMMONS' DOGS OR A GROUP OF CHILDREN WITH TOURETTES SYNDROME. IT IS BONG BONG. HE IS BARKING LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER. DR SIMMONS IS SCREAMING AT HIM "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU MUTT. I'M TRYING TO WRITE HERE." BONG BONG WON'T SHUT UP SO DR SIMMONS GOES OUT INTO THE LIVING ROOM.
BONG BONG IS STANDING THERE WAGGING HIS TAIL LIKE A WINDMILL AND HE HAS A HALF EMPTY ROLL OF TOILET PAPER IN HIS MOUTH. THE LIVING ROOM IS WRAPPED IN TOILET PAPER. THERE ARE ABOUT EIGHT EMPTY ROLLS LYING AROUND. THERE IS ENOUGH TOILET PAPER STRUNG THROUGH THE LIVING ROOM TO WIPE A THOUSAND ASSES.
GOD DAMMIT BONG BONG! TAKE THAT TOILET PAPER BACK TO THE BATHROOM. I NEED IT TO WIPE MY ASS IN ABOUT A HALF HOUR. I GOT A MONSTER SHIT BUILDING UP.
IN BAD PARENTING NEWS, SOME RUSSIAN BITCH ALMOST SACRIFICED HER FOUR YEAR OLD DAUGHTER TO GET A GOOD PICTURE. THE RUSSIAN MOTHER OF THE YEAR PUT HER DAUGHTER NEXT TO A LEOPARD'S CAGE TO GET A PICTURE OR TWO FOR THE FAMILY PHOTO ALBUM. WHILE THE CHILD STOOD STILL AND SMILED FOR THE CAMERA, THE LEOPARD DIDN'T BEHAVE AND MAULED THE GIRL. THE GIRLS'S BLOOD WENT ALL OVER THE PLACE. SHE UNDERWENT SURGERY AFTER THE ORDEAL SO SHE WOULDN'T CROAK.
THE LEOPARD ATTACKING THE GIRL MADE FOR AN EVEN BETTER PICTURE THAN EXPECTED. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEEPLE? WHY NOT JUST THROW YOUR DAUGHTER IN THE CAGE WITH THE LEOPARD YOU MORON BITCH? THIS STUPID LADY MAKES THOSE LOSERS GUESTS FROM THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW LOOK LIKE WONDERFUL PARENTS IN COMPARISON. SHE SHOULD GO INTO THE BABY SITTER BUSINESS.
BUT WHAT THIS BITCH DID TO HER DAUGHTER DOESN'T COMPARE TO WHAT CHRISTOPHER REARDON DID TO SOME HELPLESS LITTLE CHILDREN. ALL I HAVE TO DO IS TELL YOU THAT THIS DUDE WAS A YOUTH MINISTER AND MOST OF YOU WILL FIGURE OUT THAT HE MOLESTED A BUNCH OF CHILDREN - 29 IN THIS CASE. IT SEEMS THAT THE FORMER CHURCH WORKER GOT AROUND.
THESE SICK EVENTS HAPPENED NEAR SALEM, MASSACHUSETTS, YOU KNOW, THE PLACE, WHERE THE PURITANS WENT PSYCHO AND KILLED A BUNCH OF INNOCENT PEEPLE FOR BEING WITCHES. FUCKED UP RELIGIOUS SHIT HAPPENING AGAIN IN THE SAME PLACE. WE NEED TO RELOCATE A BUNCH OF ATHEISTS UP THERE SO THAT WE CAN NORMALIZE THE POPULATION OF THAT RELIGIOUSLY CURSED CITY.
KIDOFILE REARDON PLEADED GUILTY BECAUSE THE EVIDENCE WAS OVERWHELMINGLY AGAINST HIM. EVEN EVIL DEFENSE LAWYER JOHNNIE COCHRAN WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO SPARE THIS MOTHER FUCKIN CRIMINAL FROM HIS DESERVED PUNISHMENT IF HE WAS REPRESENTING HIM.
AMONG THE EVIDENCE AGAINST KIDOFILE CHRIS REARDON WERE NUDE PICTURES OF LITTLE CHILDREN AND A VIDEO OF REARDON MASTURBATING WITH A YOUNG BOY. REARDON'S WIFE ALSO FOUND EVIDENCE OF HIS EVIL KIDOFILE ACTIVITIES ON COMPUTERIZED RECORDS INCLUDING CHARTS AND SPREADSHEETS. HIS WIFE ABRUPTLY LEFT HIM AFTER HE UNSUCCESSFULLY TRIED THAT "MARITAL AIDS" EXPLANATION.
IN THE KIDOFILE CHAPTER OF MY FIRST BOOK, ABNORMAL PEEPLE — DIAGNOSIS AND TREATMENT (A HUMOR BOOK NOT A SELF HELP BOOK), I JOKINGLY DESCRIBE A FICTIONAL PERSON, CHESTER THE MOLESTER, AS A KIDOFILE PATIENT OF MINE THAT KEEPS TRACK OF THE CHILDREN THAT HE MOLESTS USING A COMPUTER SPREADSHEET PROGRAM. I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE FUNNY, BUT THIS CHRIS REARDON DUDE REALLY DID IT. THAT'S SICKER THAN SICK. I GUESS IF YOU ARE GONNA DO SOMETHING, YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE ORGANIZED ABOUT IT.
TOO BAD THE FBI CAN'T GET BETTER ORGANIZED. AFTER A THOROUGH INVENTORY OF IT'S EQUIPMENT, THE FBI HAS FOUND THAT THEY ARE MISSING MORE THAN FOUR HUNDRED WEAPONS AND OVER A HUNDRED AND EIGHTY LAPTOP COMPUTERS. I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT "FBI" STOOD FOR FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATIONS, BUT IT ACTUALLY STANDS FOR FUMBLING BUREAU OF IDIOTS.
SOME OF THE COMPUTERS HAD CLASSIFIED INFORMATION ON THEM. I'LL BET YOU IT WAS PORN. I HEARD THAT THE FBI CAN GET INTO ANY PORN SITE FOR FREE AND THEY DON'T GET ANY POP UP WINDOWS.
I DON'T FEEL REAL SAFE WITH THESE INCOMPETENTS PROTECTING US FROM HARDENED CRIMINALS. BUT I DO WISH THAT LOCAL POLICE UNITS WOULD BE THIS INEFFICIENT. THERE ARE TOO MANY PEEPLE GETTING ARRESTED FOR BUYING OR SELLING WEED. THERE ARE ALSO A BUNCH OF COPS ACTING ON THE MORALISTIC INTENTIONS OF A FEW SEXUAL ASCETIC CITIZENS BY SETTING UP TRAPS FOR PEEPLE TRYING TO BUY SOME ASS FROM A NICE LOOKING HOOKER. THESE OPERATIONS ARE WHERE WE NEED SOME LAW ENFORCEMENT INEFFICIENCY.
I'M GONNA GO TAKE A SHIT NOW. IT'S GONNA BE A BIG ONE TOO. I MIGHT AS WELL DO IT IN THE LIVING ROOM SINCE ALL OF THE TOILET PAPER IS THERE. COPYRIGHT © 2001 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED