WEAKLY COLLUM # 0089

FOR MONDAY 08/06/2001

DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.

I GOT GREAT NEWS. IT'S FROM THE U.S. GOVERNMENT. NO I AINT KIDDING. THE GOVERNMENT DOES SOMETHING GOOD EVERY NOW AND THEN, OR RATHER, ONCE IN A BLUE MOON. WELL IT'S A BLUE MOON AND THE GOVERNMENT IS SENDING OUT MONEY TO THE HEAVILY OVERBURDENED TAXPAYERS OF THIS COUNTRY. BOUT FUCKIN TIME.

YOU KNOW POLITICIANS ARE PRETTY DENSE AS A GROUP. IT TAKES THEM A WHILE TO FIGURE OUT SOMETHING. IT TAKES THEM A WHILE TO FIGURE OUT THAT THE ONLY WAY FOR OUR GOVERNMENT CONTROLLED COUNTRY TO IMPROVE IS IF TAX RATES ARE LOWERED AND BURDENSOME REGULATIONS THAT CONTROL OUR LIVES REMOVED. IN OTHER WORDS, AMERICA WILL ONLY BENEFIT FROM A GOVERNMENT THAT IS MUCH SMALLER AND LESS INTRUSIVE IN OUR EVERYDAY LIVES. THIS TAX REFUND WHICH STEMS FROM A 1.35 TRILLION DOLLAR TEN YEAR TAX CUT PACKAGE IS A BIG STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION THAT IS MORE THAN OVERDUE.

[FART] OOPS! I HOPE THAT WAS A DRY ONE. I HAVE A FEELING THAT IT WASN'T. I'LL CHECK MY UNDERPANTS LATER AFTER I FINISH WRITING THIS.

MOST SINGLE TAX PAYERS LIKE MYSELF WILL GET CHECKS FOR THREE HUNDRED DOLLAR WHILE MOST MARRIED TAX PAYERS WILL GET CHECKS FOR SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO STIMULATE THE ECONOMY THROUGH THE EXTRA SPENDING THAT WILL RESULT FROM THE PEEPLE RECEIVING THEIR TAX REFUNDS EARLY.

BUT THIS TAX REFUND COULD BE BAD FOR A FEW PEEPLE. THERE ARE MANY SHOPAHOLICS IN THIS COUNTRY THAT WILL DO NOTHING BUT WASTE EVERY PENNY OF THIS TAX REFUND. THEY WILL SPEND IT ON OUTFITS THAT THEY WILL WEAR ONCE OR TWICE OR ON HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF COSMETICS SO THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE THEIR REAL FACES. MONEY IN THE HANDS OF A SHOPAHOLIC CAN BE A VERY DANGEROUS THING.

ONE OF MY SHOPAHOLIC PATIENTS, SHOP TOO MUCH SARA, CAN'T WAIT TO GET HER TAX REFUND CHECK. SHE'S ALREADY SPENDING THE MONEY IN HER MIND. "I COULD USE SOME NEW PUMPS. I SAW THIS WONDERFUL PAIR AT MACYS. I GOTTA HAVE EM."

BUT YOU HAVE ABOUT A HUNDRED AND FIFTY PAIRS OF SHOES.

"BUT I DON'T HAVE PUMPS LIKE THIS. I NEED ANOTHER PAIR SO THAT I DON'T HAVE TO WEAR THE SAME PAIR TWICE IN ONE MONTH."

WHY DON'T YOU PUT THAT MONEY TOWARDS PAYING OFF YOUR CREDIT CARDS THAT YOU OWE?

"BUT I HAVEN'T BOUGHT A PAIR OF SHOES IN OVER A WEEK. I NEED TO DO SOMETHING FUN WITH MY LIFE. I THINK I'M ALSO GONNA GET ANOTHER MANICURE. THOSE ARE FUN FOR SOME REASON."

THERE WAS NO FUCKIN REACHING HER. I BATTLED WITH HER THE ENTIRE THERAPY SESSION USING ALL MY WISDOM AND PSYCHOLOGICAL EXPERTISE. I JUST COULDN'T SHOW HER THE LIGHT. SHE WAS MY LAST PATIENT FOR THAT DAY SO I IMMEDIATELY WENT TO THE LOCAL TAVERN AND GOT DRUNK AS SHIT RIGHT AFTERWARDS.

SHOP TOO MUCH SARA HAS BEEN IN THERAPY WITH ME FOR MORE THAN THREE YEARS. IN ALL THAT TIME I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO CURE HER, BUT SHE DOESN'T MIND SINCE SHE HAS NO PROBLEMS WITH SPENDING THE MONEY FOR THERAPY. BECAUSE OF HER AND OTHERS LIKE HER, I AM NOW RICH AND CAN BUY ALL KINDS OF SHIT THAT I COULD NEVER AFFORD BEFORE I GOT INTO THE THERAPY BUSINESS.

UNLIKE SHOP TOO MUCH SARA, I PLAN TO SPEND MY TAX REFUND CHECK WISELY. I'M NOT GONNA WASTE IT. I'M GONNA GET MY MONEY'S WORTH OUT OF IT. I PLAN TO SPEND IT ONLY ON THINGS THAT ARE REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME. I AM AN EDUCATED CONSUMER.

YOU KNOW WITH THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS I CAN BUY A LOT. THE ICE BEERS THAT I LIKE ARE ABOUT TEN DOLLARS A CASE. THAT IS ABOUT SEVEN HUNDRED BEERS FOR THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS. THAT COULD LAST ME FOR MONTHS.

WAIT A MINUTE! I ALREADY GOT ABOUT FORTY OR FIFTY CASES OF BEER IN MY BASEMENT. I COULD USE THE MONEY TO RENT A NICE LOOKING HOOKER. I SEE ALL KINDS OF BEAUTIFUL WOMEN THAT I WANT TO FUCK, BUT I HAVE A HARD TIME GETTING SOME TRIM FROM ANY OF THEM BECAUSE OF THAT PERSONALITY THING. BUT I COULD RENT A NICE LOOKING HOOKER WHO DOESN'T CARE ABOUT PERSONALITY. I COULD RENT HER FOR TWO HOURS SO THAT I COULD NUT TWICE.

ACTUALLY IF I BOUGHT SOME WEED, I COULD GET SOME PUSSY WITHOUT EVEN PAYING FOR IT. WEED IS LIKE AN APHRODESIAC FOR A LOT OF WOMEN. I COULD PROBABLY GET A QUARTER POUND OF HERB FROM ONE OF MY PATIENTS THAT I TREAT FOR DRUG ADDICTION. I COULD GET WOMEN HIGH AND OUT OF THEIR PANTS AND INTO MY BED WHILE GETTING MYSELF STONED AT THE SAME TIME.. I THINK THAT IS WHAT I AM GONNA SPEND MY TAX REFUND CHECK ON.

IN OTHER NEWS, MT ETNA, A SICILIAN VOLCANO, HAS BEEN SPEWING OUT LAVA FOR SEVERAL WEEKS NOW CREATING A THREAT TO NEIGHBORING TOWNS. I WOULD HAVE TOLD ABOUT THIS WHEN IT FIRST HAPPENED, BUT I DRINK TOO MUCH AND THINGS SLIP MY MIND SOMETIMES, EVEN IMPORTANT THINGS LIKE THIS. IF YOU WANT FAST BREAKING NEWS WHEN IT HAPPENS INSTEAD OF WEEKS LATER, THEN WATCH CNN.

MT ETNA HAS BEEN VERY ACTIVE RECENTLY. THE VOLCANO HAS BEEN BLOWING OUT HOT LAVA LIKE AN ORGASMING PENIS BLOWS OUT SPEW. IT'S BEEN ALMOST NONSTOP. SO FAR THE DAMAGE TO LIFE AND PROPERTY HAS BEEN MINIMAL, BUT THAT COULD CHANGE FAIRLY QUICKLY.

MEANWHILE RESIDENTS GATHERED IN A CHURCH TO PRAY FOR AN END TO THE VOLCANIC ERUPTIONS. LIKE THAT IS GONNA HELP. THE VOLCANO IS GONNA DO WHAT IT IS GONNA DO NO MATTER HOW MANY PEEPLE PRAY TO GOD OR ZEUS OR ANY OF THE OTHER GODS. STUFF LIKE THIS IS GONNA HAPPEN REGARDLESS OF HOW MANY PEEPLE FLOCK TO THE CHURCH AND PRAY THAT IT DOESN'T. CAUSE AND EFFECT WILL ALWAYS BE WITH US.

THIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS OVER NOW. I GOTTA CALL UP ONE OF MY DEALERS AND GET ME A QP OF WEED WITH MY TAX REFUND CHECK. I GOTTA DO MY PART TO HELP OUT THE ECONOMY.

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