WEAKLY COLLUM # 0090

FOR MONDAY 08/13/2001

DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.

IN THE NEWS, THE DAUGHTER OF FORMER PRESIDENT RONALD REAGAN, MAUREEN REAGAN, DIED OF SKIN CANCER THIS PAST WEEK. SHE HAD BEEN SUFFERING FROM SKIN CANCER SINCE 1996. I WAS GONNA WRITE A LOT ABOUT THIS UNTIL I FOUND OUT THAT SHE WAS NOT THE REAGAN DAUGHTER THAT POSED NUDE IN PLAYBOY ABOUT SIX OR SEVEN YEARS BACK. THAT WAS PATTY DAVIS. NOW I HAVE NO INTEREST IN THE TOPIC. LET ME TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE NOW.

IN OTHER NEWS, MARIAH CAREY IS NOT AS UNFORTUNATE AS MAUREEN REAGAN. SHE DIDN'T CROAK THIS WEEK, BUT SHE DID GO NUTS. THE GEORGEOUS POP SINGER APPARENTLY HAD A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN IN A MANHATTEN HOTEL WHERE SHE HAD BEEN STAYING. RUMOR HAS IT THAT SHE WENT PSYCHO AFTER THE HOTEL STAFF CAUGHT HER STEALING TOWELS AND THOSE LITTLE SOAPS.

A SPOKESPERSON FOR MARIAH CAREY SAID THAT HER DEMANDING SCHEDULE JUST TOOK ITS TOLL. SHE WAS ALSO TRYING TO GO FORWARD AFTER HER RECENT DIVORCE. WORKING TOO HARD AND NOT GETTING ENOUGH DICK - THAT WILL TAKE IT OUT OF YOU. I'D BE THROWING THINGS TOO IF I WAS HER.

BUT I THINK I CAN HELP HER. I THINK I CAN CALM HER DOWN. NOT WITH MY THERAPEUTIC SKILLS, BUT WITH MY SKILLS AS A MAN. ONE NIGHT IN BED WITH ME AND SHE WILL BE A NEW WOMAN. I WILL TREAT HER WELL. I WILL LICK EVERY PART OF HER LUSCIOUS BODY. I WILL LICK HER SWEET PUSSY UNTIL MY TONGUE FALLS OFF. THEN I WILL FUCK HER UNTIL MY DICK FAL... NAH! I'LL FUCK HER UNTIL I BUST TWO NUTS INSIDE OF HER. THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

CODE RED WORM HAS INFECTED YOUR FUCKIN COMPUTER.

I THINK THE CODE RED WORM HAS INFECTED MY FUCKIN COMPUTER. IT'S A GOOD THING THAT I KEEP BACKUP COPIES OF ALL OF MY PORNO.

IN OTHER NEWS, IN AN ATTACK ON THE FIRST AMENDMENT, THE U.S. GOVERNMENT HAS JAILED A WRITER FOR NOT TURNING OVER ALL HER NOTES AND REVEALING ALL OF HER SOURCES RELATING TO A BOOK THAT SHE IS WRITING ABOUT THE MURDER OF A WIFE OF A TEXAS MILLIONAIRE. WRITER VANESSA LEGGETT SAYS SHE IS NOT A MARTYR, BUT SHE WON'T COMPROMISE HER SOURCES OR THE FREE PRESS BY GIVING IN TO THE GOVERNMENT'S WISHES. OTHERWISE, IN HER VIEW, SHE WOULD ESSENTIALLY BE JUST AN AGENT OF THE GOVERNMENT INSTEAD OF AN INDEPENDENT JOURNALIST.

THAT IS SCARY. WRITER VANESSA LEGGETT IS THROWN IN JAIL EVEN THOUGH SHE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. I AM A WRITER TOO. I HOPE THE EVIL U.S. GOVERNMENT DOESN'T COME AFTER ME. THAT SHOULD BE SCARY FOR YOU TOO. WITH MY UNIQUE PERSPECTIVE ON MAJOR ISSUES AND MY WONDERFUL WAY WITH WORDS (AS WELL AS MY ALLITERATION SKILLS), I AM A GREAT BASTION OF FREEDOM FOR YOU ALL. I AND OTHERS LIKE ME ARE SO IMPORTANT TO YOUR FREEDOM. I AM ESPECIALLY IMPORTANT SINCE I PRESENT YOU WITH MORE ACCURATE AND NONCONFORMIST VIEWS OF OUR GOVERNMENT AS WELL AS OF OTHER ISSUES. I'M NOT AFRAID TO CALL SHIT, SHIT IF IT IS APPROPRIATE.

AND SHIT IS WHAT I THINK THE GOVERNMENT IS FULL OF IN THIS CASE. ONE SUSPECT, THE VICTIM'S HUSBAND, WAS ALREADY CLEARED OF THE MURDER IN A TRIAL SEVERAL YEARS BACK. THE OTHER SUSPECT, THE HUSBAND'S BROTHER, COMMITTED SUICIDE IN PRISON. THE FEDS WANT TO CATCH THE HUSBAND ON OTHER CHARGES SINCE THEY BOTCHED THE MURDER CASE AGAINST HIM. THEY WANT TO USE POOR VANESSA LEGGETT AS THEIR TOOL TO THAT END, SACRIFICING HER CAREER AND FREEDOM OF THE PRESS IN THE PROCESS. NEXT THING YOU KNOW, THE UNITED STATES WILL BE A REALLY FUCKED UP COUNTRY DEVOID OF HUMAN RIGHTS JUST LIKE COMMUNIST CHINA. WE'RE HEADING THAT WAY.

THE U.S. GOVERNMENT IS JUST GOING TO TAKE WHAT IT WANTS BY FORCE, JUSTICE AND THE FIRST AMENDMENT BE DAMNED. THE GOVERNMENT HAS GROWN TOO POWERFUL FOR THE WELL BEING OF ITS CITIZENS. IT WILL DO WHATEVER IT CAN GET AWAY WITH INCLUDING SQUASHING ITS CITIZENS IN THE NAME OF GOVERNMENT EXPEDIENCY TO GET ITS WAY.

SPEAKING OF POWERFUL, IF YOU ARE A MAN THAT GETS TURNED ON BY SEEING UNSUSPECTING WOMEN NAKED THROUGH THEIR CLOTHING, THEN THIS PRODUCT IS FOR YOU. IT'S A VIDEO CAMERA THAT CAN SEE THROUGH CLOTHES. I GOTTA GET ME ONE.

THERE ARE TOO MANY AWESOME LOOKING WOMEN THAT I ENCOUNTER IN EVERYDAY LIFE THAT I WILL NEVER GET A CHANCE TO SEE NAKED BECAUSE THEY HAVE AN ATTITUDE OR SOMETHING ABOUT SHOWING THEIR NAKED BODIES TO ME. IT REALLY HURTS BEING SLIGHTED LIKE THAT. NOW I CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I'M GONNA GET ME ONE OF THOSE SEE THROUGH CLOTHES VIDEO RECORDER CAMERAS. I GOT MONEY. I GOT A COMPUTER WITH THE INTERNET AND A BUNCH OF SEARCH ENGINES. I'LL HAVE ONE OF THOSE WONDERFUL SEE THROUGH WOMEN'S CLOTHES CAMCORDERS WITHIN A WEEK.

CODE RED WORM DOES IT IN THE DIRT.

DAMN! THAT MADE ME FORGET WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY NEXT. I GUESS I WILL HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING ELSE INSTEAD.

HUMAN CLONING IS IN THE SPOTLIGHT AGAIN. LEADING SCIENTISTS IN THE FIELD OF CLONING (CLONOLOGISTS) HAVE ANNOUNCED THEIR INTENTIONS OF CLONING A HUMAN BEING WITHIN THE NEXT YEAR. THEY WILL DO IT IN A COUNTRY WHERE THERE AREN'T LAWS AGAINST HUMAN CLONING, OR THEY WILL DO IT ON A SHIP IN INTERNATIONAL WATERS IF THEY HAVE TO. HOW ABOUT THAT FOR DETERMINATION?

THE SHIP IDEA IS A REALLY GOOD IDEA. IT WILL GIVE THESE GEEKY SCIENTISTS THE FREEDOM TO DO WHAT THEY FEEL THEY HAVE THE RIGHT TO DO. WE CAN APPLY IT TO OTHER AREAS AS WELL. SOMEONE COULD ORGANIZE A CRUISE FIFTEEN MILES OUT INTO THE OCEAN WHERE THE PASSENGERS CAN SMOKE ALL KINDS OF WEED WITHOUT WORRYING ABOUT BEING BUSTED. THEY COULD PUT ALL KINDS OF HOOKERS ON THE CRUISE SHIP TOO. I HOPE SOMEONE IMPLEMENTS THAT IDEA SOMEDAY.

SORRY I DIGRESSED. THE IDEA OF GETTING HIGH ON DRUGS LEGALLY AND WOMEN THAT YOU CAN RENT BY THE HOUR WITHOUT WORRYING ABOUT GETTING BUSTED BY THE POLICE REALLY EXCITES ME. SOME PEEPLE OPPOSE HUMAN CLONING FOR RELIGIOUS REASONS SAYING THAT THEY SCIENTISTS ARE WRONGFULLY PLAYING GOD. RELIGION TENDS TO SAY STUFF LIKE THAT ABOUT ANY NEW TECHGNOLOGY SINCE RELIGIOUS LEADERS LIKE TO LIVE WITH THEIR HEADS IN THE SAND.

I THINK HUMAN CLONING COULD BE GOOD. ASSIDE FROM THE MEDICAL BENEFITS THAT I DON'T FEEL LIKE TALKING ABOUT, HUMAN CLONING HAS OTHER POSITIVE BENEFITS TOO. SOMEONE SEMI FAMOUS LIKE ME COULD USE CLONING TO BECOME MORE FAMOUS LIKE I SHOULD BE. I THINK WE NEED MORE PEEPLE JUST LIKE ME TO SPREAD MY MESSAGE TO THE WORLD. MY MESSAGE OF .. OF .. WHATEVER MY FUCKIN MESSAGE IS, I COULD SPREAD IT AROUND FASTER IF THERE WERE MORE OF ME.

ALSO, SINCE WOMEN WON'T USUALLY PUT OUT ON THE FIRST DATE, I COULD SEND ONE OF MY CLONES OUT ON THE FIRST DATE WITH DIFFERENT WOMEN. I COULD GO OUT ON THE THIRD AND FOURTH DATES MYSELF AND HAVE A MUCH BETTER CHANCE OF GETTING SOME ASS WITHOUT WASTING TIME HAVING TO SPEND AN ENTIRE EVENING WITH A WOMAN THAT AINT GONNA PUT OUT. IF HUMAN CLONING CAN HELP ME SCORE SOME ASS WITH LESS DATING BULLSHIT, THEN I'M ALL FOR IT.

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