WEAKLY COLLUM # 0091
FOR MONDAY 08/20/2001
DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.
IN THE NEWS, LAST WEEK'S HEAT WAVE ENCOURAGED A LOT OF PEEPLE IN GERMANY TO STRIP OFF THEIR CLOTHES AND WORK IN THE NUDE. AND THEIR BOSSES DON'T MIND. WHY CAN'T WE DO THAT HERE IN AMERICA? THAT WOULD DEFINITELY HELP OUT WITH WORKER MORALE. WE HAVE CASUAL DRESS FRIDAYS. WHY NOT TAKE THE IDEA A STEP FURTHER? I WISH OUR COUNTRY WASN'T SO DAMN UPTIGHT.
IN OTHER NEWS, THE U.S. GOVERNMENT WASTES TAXPAYER MONEY. THAT'S NOT NEWS. THEY DO THAT CONSTANTLY. THE LATEST WAY THEY HAVE DECIDED TO SPEND YOUR HARD EARNED MONEY IS THROUGH A PROJECT WHICH ENABLED VOTERS OVERSEAS TO VOTE OVER THE INTERNET. THEY WANTED TO TEST THE FEASIBILITY OF INTERNET VOTING AS A WHOLE.
THE PROJECT ALLOWED 84,000 OVERSEAS PERSONNEL TO VOTE IN THE LAST ELECTION. NO WAIT! THERE WERE ONLY 84 PEEPLE THAT VOTED IN THIS PROJECT. THAT CAN'T BE! WHAT INCOMPETENCE! THAT IS THE GOVERNMENT FOR YOU. GIVE THEM A BUNCH OF MONEY, AND THEY WILL FIND A WAY TO WASTE IT.
THE PROJECT COSTED TAXPAYERS MORE THAN SIX MILLION DOLLARS. THEY SPENT SIX MILLION DOLLARS SO THAT 84 PEEPLE COULD VOTE? THEY DIDN'T GET THEIR MONEY'S WORTH. SIX MILLION DOLLARS - I COULD BE SET FOR LIFE WITH HOOKERS, BEAUTIFUL HOOKERS TOO, IF I HAD THAT KIND OF MONEY TO THROW AROUND CARELESSLY LIKE THE U.S. GOVERNMENT DOES.
YOU KNOW THAT THE INTERNET AINT THE SAFEST PLACE TO HOLD AN ELECTION. IT NEVER WILL BE SO THIS TEST WAS NOT NEEDED. THE INTERNET IS FULL OF HACKERS AND PROGRAMS TO SPREAD VIRUSES. ONE SUCCESSFUL HACKER AND AN ENTIRE ELECTION COULD BE RUINED. ALSO, THE INTERNET ISN'T ALWAYS UP AND RUNNING PROPERLY. INTERNET SERVICE PROVIDERS AREN'T THE EPITOME OF RELIABILITY. AND INDIVIDUAL WEBSITES GO DOWN FASTER THAN A CRACK ADDICTED HOOKER EARNING HER TWENTY BUCKS.
THIS INTERNET VOTING PLAN SHOULD HAVE NEVER EVEN BEEN TESTED. I WONDER WHO CAME UP WITH THIS STUPID IDEA ANYWAY. I'LL BET IT WAS THE PENTAGON. THEY ARE THE MOST FINANCIALLY INEFFICIENT BRANCH OF THE U.S. GOVERNMENT. ACTUALLY THIS WAS AN EXPERIMENT BY THE PENTAGON. I KNEW IT.
THE PENTAGON CONSIDERS THE PROGRAM A SUCCESS DEPSITE THE FACT THAT ONLY 84 VOTERS USED THE SYSTEM AND IT COST OVER $70,000 PER PERSON. - YES! PER PERSON. A SPOKESWOMAN FOR THE DEFENSE DEPARTMENT SAYS THAT WE SHOULDN'T EVALUATE THE PROJECT FROM A COST PER VOTE BASIS. BUT I THINK WE SHOULD LOOK AT IT PRECISELY THAT WAY SINCE OUR TAX MONEY IS WHAT'S PAYING FOR IT.
A PENTAGON REPORT INDICATED THAT THE SECURITY OF THE INTERNET VOTING SYSTEM WAS SUCCESSFULLY TESTED BY GOVERNMENT CONTRACTORS POSING AS HACKERS. BUT REAL HACKERS ARE MUCH SMARTER THAN GOVERNMENT CONTRACTORS. YOU ALL KNOW THAT.
THE PENTAGON HAS ALWAYS BEEN AGAINST HAVING THEIR PROJECTS LOOKED AT IN TERMS OF UNIT COSTS. THAT'S BECAUSE LOOKING AT THEIR PROGRAMS THAT WAY MAKES THEM LOOK LIKE A BUNCH OF BLUNDERING IDIOTS. BETWEEN THE SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLAR HAMMERS AND THE TRIPLE DIGIT TOILET SEATS, THEY HAVE MADE A LOT OF BLOOPERS. I HAVE LOST FAITH IN THE EFFICIENCY OF THE PENTAGON LONG AGO.
LETS CHANGE THE TOPIC NOW BECAUSE TALKING TOO MUCH ABOUT HOW THE GOVERNMENT IS WASTING MY HARD EARNED MONEY IS MAKING ME SICK.
IN SPORTS NEWS, SEVERAL PHILADELPHIA EAGLE FOOTBALL CHEERLEADERS HAVE INITIATED A LAWSUIT AGAINST TWENTY THREE FOOTBALL TEAMS IN THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE BECAUSE OF A PEEP HOLE THAT ALLOWED PLAYERS FROM THE VISITING TEAMS TO SPY ON THE CHEERLEADERS IN THEIR LOCKER ROOM. I WONDER IF THE PLAYERS WERE WACKING OFF WHILE PEEPING IN ON THE NAKED CHEERLEADERS. I'LL BET A FEW WERE.
I WISH THAT SOME OF THE LOCKER ROOMS THAT I WAS IN WHEN I WAS YOUNGER HAD PEEP HOLES INTO THE LADIES LOCKER ROOM. I HATED ALWAYS HAVING TO CLIMB THROUGH THE CEILING TO SEE WOMEN NAKED. IT'S SO DUSTY UP THERE. I WAS ALWAYS AFRAID THAT I WOULD FALL THROUGH THE CEILING ONE DAY AND GET HURT.
WHILE I USUALLY TRY TO AVOID DOING TWO PART EPISODES, SOMETIMES I HAVE MORE TO SAY ABOUT A STORY THE WEEK AFTER I COVER IT. AND THIS STORY IS ALONG THE LINES OF THE LAST ONE. I HAVE A FOLLOW UP TO LAST WEEK'S STORY ABOUT INFRARED VIDEO CAMERAS THAT CAN SEE THROUGH CLOTHING. (WOMEN'S CLOTHING) ONE OF MY PATIENTS, PERVERTED PETER - NO PUN INTENDED WHOM I AM TREATING FOR PERVERTED PERSONALITY DISORDER, BOUGHT ONE OF THOSE CAMERAS OVER THE INTERNET FOR SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS. I HAD HIM BRING IT INTO THERAPY AND SHOW ME HOW TO USE IT SO THAT I COULD SEE HIM LIVING OUT HIS DISORDER INSTEAD OF JUST HEARING HIM TELL ME ABOUT HIS SYMPTOMS IN THERAPY.
WE IMMEDIATELY WENT TO THE PARK AT THE CAMPUS OF THE LOCAL COLLEGE. IT WAS A NICE DAY, SO I DECIDED TO CONDUCT THERAPY OUTSIDE. I BROUGHT ALONG MY BUDDY, GOOD FRIEND GENE BECAUSE HE IS INTO THIS VOYEUR STUFF IN A BIG WAY TOO. HE WAS SO HAPPY TO COME ALONG THAT HE BOUGHT THE THE BEER. AFTER LISTENING TO MY PATIENT, PERVERTED PETER - NO PUN INTENDED, TALK ABOUT HIS PERVERSION DISORDER FOR ABOUT FIVE MINUTES BLA BLA BLA, I ASKED HIM TO DEMONSTRATE HIS CAMERA FOR ME.
THERE WERE SOME NICE LOOKING COLLEGE BABES CLOSE BY. AFTER GULPING DOWN HIS SECOND BEER, PERVERTED PETER - NO PUN INTENDED PUT A FILTER ONTO HIS INFRARED VIDEO CAMERA AND POINTED IT AT ONE OF THE WOMEN. PERVERTED PETER - NO PUN INTENDED IS EXCITED AS AN IRS AGENT DOING AN AUDIT. "MY GOD! THE ONE BLONDE AINT WEARING NO UNDERWEAR. I CAN SEE HER COOTER AND HER PUBIC HAIRS. AND SHE'S NOT A REAL BLONDE EITHER.
"LET ME LOOK! LET ME LOOK!" DR SIMMONS SHOUTS OUT LIKE AN EXCITED LITTLE BOY. HE TAKES A PEEK INTO THE INFRARED SPY CAMERA. "YEAH! YOU'RE RIGHT. THE CARPET DON'T MATCH THE DRAPES. BUT IT'S A VERY NICE CARPET. IT'S BEAUTIFUL LIKE A PERSIAN RUG."
AFTER GOOD FRIEND GENE LOOKS AT THE BLONDE BEAUTY, HE TURNS THE INFRARED CAMERA TOWARDS ONE OF HER FRIENDS, A BEAUTIFUL LOOKING BRUNETTE WITH NICE BOSOMS. "MY GOD SHE'S GOT NICE BREASTS. HER NIPPLES ARE ERECT TOO." THEN HE LOWERS THE CAMERA TOWARDS HER CROTCH. HE'S EXCITED AS HELL. "I CAN SEE HER PUSSY NOW ALL NICE AND HAIRY, AND I CAN SEE HER DICK. HER DICK? WHAT THE?" GOOD FRIEND GENE SCREAMS IN INITIAL SHOCK. HE HAS NEVER HEARD ABOUT SHEMALES BEFORE, MUCH LESS ENCOUNTERED ONE IN REAL LIFE. HE SCREAMS AGAIN WITH A REAL HIGH PITCH WOMANLY TYPE SCREAM.
GOOD FRIEND GENE IS JUST BEWILDERED. "WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING. I THOUGHT ONLY DUDES HAVE DICKS. MY WORLD IS IN TOTAL CONFUSION RIGHT NOW. HOW COULD SOMEONE THAT BEAUTIFUL WITH THAT SWEET A FIGURE HAVE A DICK ON HER? FUCKIN SHAKES UP MY REALITY."
PERVERTED PETER - NO PUN INTENDED, HOWEVER, IS VERY INTRIGUED BY THE BEAUTIFUL WOMAN WITH A PENIS. HE LOOKS AT HER THROUGH THE CAMERA WHILE DR SIMMONS CONTINUES TO DRINK HIS BEER. "I'M INFATUATED BY THIS LADY. SHE IS SO BEAUTIFUL AND FEMININE LOOKING, BUT SHE ALSO HAS A DICK. I WONDER HOW SHE HAS SEX. I WOULD LOVE TO WATCH HER HAVING SEX. DOES HER PUSSY CHANNEL GO ALL THE WAY UP? COULD MY DICK GO COMPLETELY INSIDE IT? I GOT TO SEE IF I CAN TALK TO HER."
AS PERVERTED PETER - NO PUN INTENDED IS TRYING TO GET A DATE WITH THE BRUNETTE SHEMALE, DR SIMMONS WHO HAS HEARD OF SHEMALES BEFORE IS TRYING TO COMFORT GOOD FRIEND GENE. HIS WORDS AREN'T VERY HELPFUL BUT THE BEER HE KEEPS HANDING HIM IS DOING THE TRICK.
A HALF AN HOUR AND FOUR BEERS LATER, GOOD FRIEND GENE IS IN MUCH BETTER SPIRITS. HE IS LAUGHING AND TELLING JOKES. HE LOOKS AT THE CAMERA AND EXCLAIMS "THESE THINGS SHOULD COME WITH WARNING LABELS ON THEM." LINKS RELATED TO THIS WEEK'S WEAKLY COLLUM.
I HAVE A LINK IN MY BOOKMARKS TO A JAPANESE SITE THAT HAD VOYEUR PICTURES OF WOMEN TAKEN WITH INFRARED CAMERAS, BUT IT AINT FUCKIN VALID ANYMORE. URLs HAVE A VERY SHORT HALF LIFE ON THE INTERNET. BUT I HAVE ANOTHER PEEP SITE FOR YOU TO CHECK OUT. THIS SITE SELLS VOYEUR VIDEOS OF NAKED WOMEN. THEY HAVE A FEW PEEP VIDEOS OF PEEPLE FUCKING ON THE BEACH. SNEAKYPEEKERS — VOYEUR VIDEOS - WOMEN IN THE SHOWER, NAKED IN TANNING BOOTHS, AND GETTING SOME DICK PUSHED INTO THEM.
ABNORMAL PEEPLE — DIAGNOSIS AND TREATMENT
COPYRIGHT © 2001 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED