WEAKLY COLLUM # 0092
FOR MONDAY 08/27/2001
DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.
TOP STORY - PING PONG BALLS EXPLODE IN HONG KONG. YEAH! THATS THE FUCKIN TOP STORY. A METAL CONTAINER HOLDING MORE THAN A HALF MILLION PING PONG BALLS CAUGHT FIRE BECAUSE OF THE HEAT. THE TEMPERATURE THAT DAY WAS AROUND A HUNDRED DEGREES FAHRENHEIT OUTSIDE, BUT MUCH HOTTER INSIDE THE METAL CONTAINER.
I CAN RELATE TO THIS STORY. MY PING PONG BALLS SOMETIMES GET HOT AND JUMPY LIKE THAT WHEN I LOOK AT THE UPSKIRT PICTURES OF ANNA KOURNIKOVA THAT I DOWNLOADED FROM THE INTERNET. THEY START TRYING TO POP OUT OF MY PANTS. SOMETIMES THEY ARE TOO POWERFUL TO CONTROL AND I END UP GETTING ARRESTED FOR INDECENT EXPOSURE.
SPEAKING OF POWERFUL BALLS, THE NEARLY THREE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLAR LOTTERY POWERBALL DRAWING TOOK PLACE THIS SATURDAY NIGHT. NONE OF YOU LOSERS WON. THREE HUNDRED FUCKIN MILLION DOLLARS IS A HELL OF A LOT OF MONEY. I COULD BUY ME A HOUSE IN EVERY STATE AND SEE HOW MANY TIMES I COULD GET LAID IN EACH. I COULD BUY A SMALL MICROBREWERY SINCE I LIKE TO DRINK BEER. I'D EVEN BE ABLE TO GIVE THREE OR FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS A YEAR TO CHARITY.
BUT THIS IS ALL FANTASY. I'LL NEVER WIN. IT IS NOT MEANT FOR ME TO EVER WIN SOMETHING LIKE THAT. IT WOULD BE TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. LUCK IS JUST NOT ON MY SIDE. AND I'M SCREWED BECAUSE I DON'T EVEN PLAY THE LOTTERY.
I GOT SOME GOOD NEWS. THAT MORALISTIC BASTARD, JESSE HELMS, IS PLANNING TO RETIRE FROM THE SENATE. GOOD RIDDENS. HIS MESSAGES OF HATE, INTOLERANCE, AND MORALISM ARE NO LONGER WANTED. AND WE DON'T NEED HIS PLANS FOR SCHOOL PRAYER TO BRAINWASH AMERICA'S YOUTH ANY MORE THAN THEY ALREADY ARE.
JESSE HELMS HAS HAD HEALTH PROBLEMS FOR THE PAST SEVERAL YEARS. IN 1998, HE HAD BOTH KNEES REPLACED. IN 1999, HE HAD SURGERY THREE TIMES TO REMOVE HIS FOOT FROM HIS MOUTH. I WAS HOPING HIS NEXT SURGURY WOULD BE AN OPERATION TO STITCH HIS MOUTH SHUT.
JESSE HELMS IS CURRENTLY THE SECOND OLDEST SENATOR NEXT TO NINETY EIGHT YEAR OLD STROM THURMOND OF SOUTH CAROLINA. STROM THURMOND EARLIER ANNOUNCED HIS INTENTIONS OF NOT RUNNING FOR ANOTHER TERM AS SENATOR. I DON'T THINK STROM THURMOND HAS RUN FOR SENATOR IN THE PAST THIRTY YEARS. IN FACT, I DON'T EVEN THINK THAT HE IS ALIVE. I THINK HE DIED OVER TWO DECADES AGO AND THE REPUBLICANS HAD HIM STUFFED. THEY WHEEL HIS BODY ONTO THE SENATE FLOOR EVERY NOW AND THEN WITH ONE OF HIS FELLOW REPUBLICANS LIFTING HIS ARM UP TO VOTE ON KEY ISSUES.
TALKING ABOUT JESSE HELMS MAKES ME SICK. LET'S CHANGE THE SUBJECT BEFORE I LOSE MY APPETITE. ACTUALLY THIS NEXT TOPIC HAS A LOT TO DO WITH APPETITE AND EATING. LATELY THERE HAS BECOME A PROLIFERATION WEBSITES THAT ARE DESIGNED TO HELP ANOREXICS BECOME MORE ANOREXIC. YOUNG ANOREXIC WOMEN ARE SETTING UP WEBSITES WHICH PROVIDE DIETING TIPS FOR ANOREXIC WOMEN TO HELP THEM ACHEIVE THEIR PSYCHOTIC WEIGHT LOSS GOALS. TIPS INCLUDE SUB FIVE HUNDRED CALORIE A DAY DIETS AND APPETITE SUPRESSION PILLS.
THE MOTIVATION FOR THE ANOREXIC WEBMASTERS TO WRITE THIS SHIT IS OBVIOUS. THEY ARE MERELY TRYING TO RATIONALIZE OR TO JUSTIFY THEIR HARMFUL EATING BEHAVIOR AS SOMETHING NORMAL. THEY HAVE PATHETIC SELF ESTEEM AND A PSYCHOTICALLY DISTORTED BODY IMAGE WHICH THEY CAN'T SEE BECAUSE OF THEIR OWN MENTAL DEFENSE SYSTEM. THEIR SELF DEFEATING ACTIONS SEEM APPROPRIATE TO THEM IN THIS MENTAL STATE. NOW THEY CAN VALIDATE THEIR ACTIONS BY SETTING UP A WEBSITE TO HELP OTHER ANOREXICS BY FEEDING THEM SCREWED UP IDEAS (NO PUN INTENDED).
THIS IS LIKE A BORN LOSER SETTING UP A WEBPAGE ON HOW TO PICK UP WOMEN WHEN HE HAS BEEN A FAILURE AT IT FOR HIS ENTIRE LIFE. I DON'T THINK YOU COULD FIND ANY WORSE PEEPLE TO RUN ANOREXIC HELPS SITE THAN ANOREXIC WOMEN WHO ARE CELEBRATING INSTEAD OF ATTEMPTING TO OVERCOME THEIR LIFE THREATENING DISORDER.
TO ALL YOU DUMB BITCHES RUNNING WEBSITES TO ENCOURAGE THE ANOREXIC LIFESTYLE, YOU KNOW YOU HAVE BLOOD ON YOUR HANDS. YOUNG WOMEN ARE GONNA DIE FROM YOUR STUPID ADVICE. YOU HAVE TURNED YOUR DISORDER INTO A VIRTUE SO THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE ANY ATTEMPTS TO OVERCOME IT. YOU CAN CELEBRATE ALL THE HARM AND NEGATIVITY OF YOUR DISORDER UNTIL THE DAY YOU DIE, WHICH MIGHT NOT BE THAT FAR INTO THE FUTURE ONCE YOU HAVE SURRENDERED YOURSELF TO THE DISEASE LIKE YOU ARE DOING. NOW YOU ARE PROMOTING THE ILLNESS IN OTHERS JUST TO JUSTIFY HAVING IT YOURSELF. YOU DON'T HAVE TO JUSTIFY EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR LIFE IN ORDER TO ACCEPT YOURSELF. IN FACT, IF YOU LEARN TO VALUE YOURSELF, THEN YOU WILL TAKE THE STEPS NECESSARY TO BETTER YOUR CONDITION INSTEAD OF TAKING THE EASY WAY OUT AND SUCCUMBING TO THE NEGATIVE IDEAS THAT INITIATE AND PERPETUATE ANOREXIA.
I DON'T THINK THESE WEBMASTERS WILL GET THE MESSAGE. BUT I THINK THESE SITES WILL START TO LOSE POWER. IN A YEAR OR TWO, MOST OF THESE TERRIBLY HARMFUL WEBSITES WILL BE DEFUNCT (NO LONGER FUCKIN THERE) BECAUSE THE ANOREXIC WEBMASTERS WILL HAVE DIED FROM THEIR OWN DIET AND LIFESTYLE RECOMMENDATIONS. INSTEAD OF FIGHTING THEIR DISORDER LIKE THEY SHOULD, THEY WILL HAVE DONE ALL THEY COULD DO TO EMPOWER IT. AND THAT WILL DO THEM IN.
EVEN IF THE SIZE TWO WEBMASTERS OF THESE PSYCHOTIC SITES DON'T CROAK FROM THEIR OWN DIETARY RECOMMENDATIONS, THEIR WEBSITES WILL PROBABLY GO OUT OF BUSINESS WITHIN THE NEXT YEAR. WEBSITES NEED THEIR ADVERTISING REVENUE AND THE ONLY COMPANIES THAT WOULD WANT TO ADVERTIZE ON SITES LIKE THESE ARE DEXATRIM, SLIMFAST AND THE LOCAL MORGUE. THEY NEED A MUCH BIGGER ADVERTISING BASE THAN THAT. ALSO, THE WEBSURFERS THAT VISIT THESE SITES WILL BE WEEDED OUT DARWINIAN STYLE BECAUSE OF THEIR OWN SURRENDER TO THE DISEASE. WITH NO MAINTAINABLE VISITOR BASE AND WITH THE CLICK RATE SO FUCKIN LOW RIGHT NOW, I DON'T THINK THAT THESE SITES WILL BE ABLE TO WEATHER THE STORM OF A BAD INTERNET ADVERTISING MARKET.
WHILE WE ARE ON THE TOPIC OF ANOREXIA, I GOT SOME NEWS RELATING TO MATTEL'S BARBIE DOLL. TOM FORSYTHE WHO TAKES PICTURES OF NUDE BARBIE DOLLS IN PROVOCATIVE POSITIONS AND SELLS THE PICTURES HAS WON HIS CASE AGAINST MATTEL WHO TRIED SEVERAL TIMES IN COURT TO STOP HIM. NOW HE CAN SELL HIS BARBIE PORNOGRAPHY WITH IMPUNITY.
MATTEL FILED SUIT AGAINST TOM FORSYTHE IN 1998 FOR VIOLATION OF THEIR TRADEMARK. FORSYTHE ARGUED THAT DOING PARODY WITH BARBIE DOLLS WAS PROTECTED UNDER THE FAIR USE ACT. HE SAYS THAT HE DOES HIS BARBIE PARODY AS AN ATTACK ON THE UNREALISTIC CULTURAL STANDARDS OF BEAUTY THAT BARBIE REPRESENTS. THOSE IMPOSSIBLE BEAUTY STANDARDS LEAD TO WOMEN NOT BEING SATISFIED WITH THEMSELVES AND MEN NOT BEING SATISFIED BECAUSE THEY HAVE A DIFFICULT TIME FINDING AND MATING WITH A WOMAN THAT FITS THOSE STANDARDS OF BEAUTY. I WANT TO POINT OUT THAT THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH THE ANOREXIC WOMEN DESCRIBED ABOVE WHO ARE RUNNING WEBSITES TO HELP OTHER ANOREXICS IN THEIR ATTEMPTS TO ACHEIVE THIS MYTHICAL BEAUTY.
ABOUT A MINUTE AGO I FOUND TOM FORSYTHE'S "ARTSURDIST" WEBSITE WITH ALL THE BARBIE PORN ON IT. I GOTTA CHECK OUT THE PICTURES NOW. THERE'S ALL KINDS OF PICTURES OF BARBIE INTERRACTING WITH FOOD AND KITCHEN UTENSILS. LOOK AT HER ALL NAKED IN THAT BLENDER. MY GOD SHE LOOKS NICE. WOW! LOOK AT HER IN THAT CASSEROLE DISH LYING IN THE MILK. I WANT TO JUMP RIGHT INTO THAT DISH WITH HER AND MAKE HER MINE. OR AT LEAST GET SOME FROM HER.
BARBIE IS SO SWEET LOOKING. SHE HAS SUCH A PERFECT FIGURE. GIRLS LIKE THIS I CAN'T USUALLY GET IN REAL LIFE. I WANT HER SO BAD. I GOT TO HAVE HER.
DR SIMMONS GOES TO TAKE OFF HIS PANTS, BUT THEY ARE ALREADY OFF AS HE USUALLY SITS AT HIS COMPUTER IN HIS UNDERWEAR OR SOMETIMES TOTALLY NAKED. THEN HE QUICKLY TRIES TO PULL OFF HIS UNDIES, BUT THEY GET CAUGHT ON HIS BONER. THAT'S SMARTS. TEN SECONDS LATER HE'S GOT THOSE FRICKEN UNDIES OFF, AND HIS HAND GOES STRAIGHT FOR HIS BIG SIX INCH COCK. HIS DOG RETARD COMES STROLLING INTO THE ROOM AND QUICKLY RUNS OUT WHEN HE SEES WHAT IS ABOUT TO TAKE PLACE. TEN SECONDS LATER RETARD IS TWO BLOCKS AWAY. HOPEFULLY THAT IS A SAFE ENOUGH DISTANCE. RETARD KEEPS ON RUNNING JUST IN CASE. LINKS RELATED TO THIS WEEK'S WEAKLY COLLUM.
LOTOPICK — POWERBALL IS OVER. AS USUAL, I AM A DAY LATE AND A DOLLAR SHORT GIVING YOU THIS LINK TO MY LOTO PICK PAGE. USE THIS LOTTERY NUMBER PICKER FOR FUTURE LOTTERIES.
CREATIVE FREEDOM DEFENSE — TOM FORSYTHE'S "ARTSURDIST" SITE WITH ALL THE PICTURES OF NUDE BARBIES.
COPYRIGHT © 2001 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED