WEAKLY COLLUM # 0094

FOR MONDAY 09/10/2001

DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.

LAST WEEK I MENTIONED ABOUT ALL OF THE SHARK ATTACKS HAPPENING IN FLORIDA. I WAS KIND OF INSULTING TO THE SHARKS SAYING THAT THEY WERE LAME AS SHIT SINCE THEY ATTACKED 19 PEEPLE WITHOUT SERIOUSLY HURTING ANYONE. WELL THIS WEEK SEVERAL SHARKS IN VIRGINIA AND NORTH CAROLINA EACH LAUNCHED FATAL ATTACKS ON HUMANS. TWO PEEPLE WERE KILLED AND ONE CRITICALLY INJURED. I HOPE THEY DIDN'T DO THIS TO GET BACK AT ME FOR BAD MOUTHING THEM.

ACTUALLY I DON'T BELIEVE THAT MY COMMENTS INSPIRED THE SHARKS. (I HOPE NOT. I HAVE ENOUGH TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IN MY LIFE.) I THINK THAT THE SHARKS UP NORTH ARE MORE VERILE AND MACHO THAN THE WIMPY FLORIDA SHARKS. I THINK THAT ALL THE OLD AND WEAK SHARKS GO TO FLORIDA TO RETIRE. HALF OF THEM DON'T GOT THEIR TEETH ANY MORE. I THINK MOST OF THEM JUST GO THROUGH THE MOTIONS OF ATTACKING JUST FOR OLD TIME SAKE.

NONETHELESS, THE SHARKS IN FLORIDA ARE CAUSING PROBLEMS. LARGE PARTS OF THE BEACH HAVE BEEN CLOSED OFF. THE WAY I SEE IT, THE SHARKS ARE PAYBACK FOR THE STATE ALMOST ALLOWING KNUCKLEHEAD PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE AL GORE TO WIN THE ELECTION. I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN.

ONE REASON THE SHARKS ARE BELIEVED TO BE CONGREGATING AROUND FLORIDA IS THAT THERE ARE A LOT OF SMALL FISH FOR THEM TO FEED ON. ANOTHER REASON IS THAT THE WATER IS WARMER THAN IN PAST YEARS. TOO MANY BEACH GOERS ARE PEEING IN THE OCEAN. YOU KNOW YOUR MOTHER TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT FOR A REASON.

WHILE WE ARE ON THE TOPIC OF MEAN VIOLENT CREATURES IN FLORIDA, JANET RENO HAS OFFICIALLY ENTERED THE FLORIDA GOVERNOR RACE AS A DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE. IF SHE WINS, SHE WON'T DO IT ON LOOKS. THAT IS FOR SURE. IF I WERE TO GO OUT AND VOTE SOMEDAY, I WOULD VOTE FOR ALL THE GOOD LOOKING WOMEN AND NOT FOR THE MASCULINE LOOKING ONES LIKE JANET RENO. I'M SURE A LOT OF OTHER GUYS VOTE THAT WAY TOO. IT'S JUST OUR BIOLOGY.

JANET RENO PLANS TO EMPHASIZE HER STRENGTHS IN THE AREA OF EDUCATION. HER SKILLS ARE NEEDED AS OVER HALF THE VOTERS IN FLORIDA CAN NOT READ A FRICKEN BALLOT. SHE ALSO ANNOUNCED PLANS TO BRING ELIAN GONZALEZ BACK TO THE STATES IF ELECTED.

I'LL BET JANET RENO COULD TAKE CARE OF THE SHARK PROBLEM IN FLORIDA TOO. SHE DOESN'T BULLSHIT AROUND. SHE WOULD LAUNCH TEAR GAS CANISTERS INTO THE OCEAN. THEN SHE WOULD SET THE OCEAN ON FIRE UNTIL ALL OF THE NASTY SHARKS ALL BURNED TO BITS. SHE'S GOT THE TESTERONE TO DO IT.

BUT I BELIEVE JANET RENO WILL JUST LEAVE THE SHARKS RIGHT WHERE THEY ARE. WITH FLORIDA SO CLOSE TO CUBA, SHE PROBABLY WANTS TO MAKE SURE THAT NO MORE ELIAN GONZALEZES SNEAK INTO AMERICA. IF SOME CUBANS TRY TO BOAT ON IN, THOSE SHARKS WILL BE WAITING FOR THEM.

IN SPORTS NEWS, PETE SAMPRAS DEFEATED ANDRE AGASSI IN TENNIS's U.S. OPEN. I USUALLY VOTE AGAINST AGASSI BECAUSE HE DIVORCED THE BEAUTIFUL ACTRESS AND MODEL, BROOKE SHIELDS. I CAN'T BELIEVE AGASSI LEFT BROOKE SHIELDS. WHAT WAS HE THINKING?

AFTER AGASSI MARRIED BROOKE SHIELDS IN APRIL 1997, HIS TENNIS GAME BECAME A LITTLE ERATIC. ACTUALLY IT STARTED SUCKING LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER. HE WENT FROM BEING RANKED # 1 IN TENNIS TO BEING RANKED # 141. THAT WAS TOO MUCH FOR POOR ANDRE AGASSI TO HANDLE. GORGEOUS BROOKE SHIELDS HAD TO GO.

IF I WAS MARRIED TO BROOKE SHIELDS, I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO CONCENTRATE ON ANYTHING ELSE. I CAN RELATE TO THAT PART. BUT THAT IS NO REASON TO GET RID OF SOMEONE SO FULL OF NATURAL BEAUTY AS BROOKE SHIELDS. I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE A WOMAN LIKE BROOKE SHIELDS THAT COULD TAKE MY MIND OFF OF EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD. HAVING BROOKE SHIELDS AS A WIFE AND GETTING SOME ASS FROM HER EVERY DAY IS MUCH MORE DESIRABLE THAN HAVING A GOOD TENNIS GAME. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT ANDRE AGASSI WAS THINKING.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS WHEN YOU GO FROM # 1 TO # 141? IT MEANS YOU ARE GETTING A LOT OF EXCELLENT PUSSY. ENJOY IT! YOUR TENNIS GAME WILL COME BACK ONCE YOU GET USED TO GETTING ALL OF THAT EXCELLENT PUSSY. IT USUALLY TAKES A LITTLE WHILE TO DEVELOP PUSSY MANAGEMENT SKILLS SO THAT YOU CAN HANDLE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN AN EFFICIENT MANNER.

I'M GONNA FINISH WRITING THIS COLUMN FOR THE WEEK. I GOT SO HORNY TALKING ABOUT BROOKE SHIELDS. I'M GONNA GO INTO MY PORN COLLECTION ON MY COMPUTER AND LOOK UP THE SUB DIRECTORY WHERE I KEEP HER PICTURES. I'M GONNA FIND A NUDE ONE AND WACK OFF HEAVILY.

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