WEAKLY COLLUM # 0097

FOR MONDAY 10/01/2001

DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.

IT'S BEEN ALMOST THREE WEEKS SINCE WE WERE UNMERCIFULLY ATTACKED. IT'S BEEN A LONG STRUGGLE, BUT WE ARE GETTING BACK ON OUR FEET AS A COUNTRY. WE HAVE CHANGED OUR FOCUS ON THE DAMAGE THAT HAS BEEN DONE ON US TO THE DAMAGE THAT WE WILL DO TO OUR ENEMY.

WE HAVE UNITED TO A DEGREE THAT I HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE. DEMOCRATIC CONGRESSMEN ARE SIDING WITH REPUBLICAN PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH IN HIS EFFORTS TO PREPARE FOR WAR. THE REST OF US HAVE DROPPED OUR DIFFERENCES AS WE FACE A COMMON ENEMY. LIBERALS AND CONSERVATIVES ARE UNIFIED IN THE HOPE FOR VICTORY AGAINST THE COMMON ENEMY. CITY SLICKERS AND REDNECKS FEEL MORE OF A BOND WITH EACH OTHER AS AMERICANS. EVEN DALLAS COWBOY FANS AND REDSKIN FANS ARE GETTING ALONG MUCH BETTER.

THE AUTHORITIES HAVE BEEN CAPTURING TERRORISTS ALL OVER THE PLACE IN AMERICA AND IN EUROPE. THESE TERRORISTS ARE LIKE ROACHES, FOR EVERY ONE YOU SEE, THERE ARE A HUNDRED MORE IN HIDING. THIS AINT A BRADY BUNCH WORLD WE LIVE IN ANYMORE.

THE FUCKIN TERRORISTS ARE CALLING FOR A HOLY WAR (JIHAD) AGAINST THE WEST. IT'S GONNA BE A HOLY WAR ALL RIGHT. WE ARE GONNA SHOOT ALL KINDS OF HOLES THROUGH THEM. THEY HAD FUN WITH THEIR GAME THE WAY THEY PLAYED IT. BUT NOW THE GAME AINT GONNA BE PLAYED THAT WAY ANY MORE. AS PRESIDENT BUSH SAID, WE WILL FINISH THIS ON OUR TERMS AND AT A TIME OF OUR CHOOSING. I CAN'T WAIT.

WE SHOULD LEVEL THE ENTIRE TALIBAN CONTROLLED PART OF AFGHANISTAN. WE SHOULD WIPE OUT EVERYTHING. WE SHOULD LEAVE NOTHING STANDING EXCEPT THE ANCIENT BUDDHA STATUES. OH WAIT! THE CHRONICALLY VIOLENT TALIBAN ALREADY DESTROYED THEM WITH ANTI AIRCRAFT MISSLES AND EXPLOSIVES EARLIER THIS YEAR. WE SHOULD LEAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING STANDING THEN.

WHILE I WAS WAITING FOR THE BEGINNING OF THE END TO THE TALIBAN AND THEIR DUMBFUCK TERRORISTS, I HAD TO GO TO WORK. I WAS CONDUCTING THERAPY TODAY SINCE PSYCHOTHERAPISTS LIKE ME HAVE TO WORK TWO DAYS A WEEK UNLESS WE ARE ON VACATION. AND I AINT GOING ON VACATION UNTIL THEY STOP CRASHING PLANES INTO BUILDINGS.

YOU KNOW THAT THESE EVENTS HAVE IMPACTED US ALL, TRAUMATIZED US TO SOME DEGREE, LEFT PERMANENT SCARS ON OUR PSYCHE. BUT EVERYONE HAS BEEN AFFECTED DIFFERENTLY. ONE OF MY PATIENTS, CHEAP CHARLEY WHO I INTRODUCED IN MY FIRST BOOK, HAS BEEN AFFECTED IN AN UNUSUAL WAY.

CHEAP CHARLEY SUFFERS FROM CHEAPSKATE PERSONALITY DISORDER. THESE HAVE BEEN ESPECIALLY DIFFICULT TIMES FOR HIM SINCE THERE IS SUCH A GREAT NEED FOR HELP, FINANCIAL AND OTHERWISE, THESE DAYS. CHEAP CHARLEY HAS SPENT MOST OF HIS TIME AT HOME IN ISOLATION.

"I'VE BEEN AVOIDING GOING OUT BECAUSE EVERY ONE IS ASKING FOR CONTRIBUTIONS FOR THE RED CROSS. THEY KEEP ASKING ME TO GIVE MONEY AT WORK. THEY ARE ASKING FOR DONATIONS TO THE RED CROSS AT MY HEALTH CLUB. THEY ARE ASKING AT THE BAKERY. THEY ARE ASKING FOR MONEY EVERY WHERE. THERE IS NO PLACE TO HIDE. WHY WON'T THEY LEAVE ME ALONE?"

CHEAP CHARLEY WAS CRYING LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER. ACTUALLY HE STILL IS CRYING LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER BECAUSE I'M TELLING THIS STORY IN THE PRESENT TENSE. IT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. THIS IS LIKE ONE OF THOSE REALITY PROGRAMS ON TV NOWADAYS.

I GOTTA CALM CHEAP CHARLEY DOWN. I HAVE A LITTLE REFRIGERATOR IN MY THERAPY ROOM. "HERE! DRINK A FUCKIN BEER. THIS WILL HELP YOU RELAX. I GOT A LOT MORE OF THEM IN THE FRIDGE. YOU CAN DRINK AS MANY AS YOU WANT FOR FREE. AND I KNOW YOU WILL LIKE THE FACT THAT I BOUGHT THE CHEAPEST BEER AROUND AND IT WAS ON SALE TOO."

AFTER CHEAP CHARLEY DRANK TWO BEERS AND CALMED DOWN SOME, I TRIED TO TALK TO HIM SOME MORE. IT WAS AMAZING SEEING THE ENTIRE CIVILIZED WORLD PULL TOGETHER AFTER THE TRAGEDY. I WANTED TO SEE IF I COULD EVOKE A SIMILIAR RESPONSE FROM HIM.

KEEPING IN MIND HOW TIGHT CHEAP CHARLEY IS WITH A DOLLAR, OR EVEN WITH A FUCKIN PENNY, I ASKED HIM IF THERE WAS ANYTHING THAT HE COULD DO THAT DIDN'T INVOLVE MONEY. HE JUST GULPED HIS BEER DOWN AND DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING SO I HAD TO FORCE AN IDEA DOWN HIS THROAT. "WHY DON'T YOU GIVE BLOOD? IT WON'T COST YOU ANYTHING AND YOU COULD SAVE A LIFE."

CHEAP CHARLEY RESPONDED "WELL MAYBE IF I COULD GET A BLOW JOB OUT OF IT, OR MAYBE EVEN SOME PUSSY, THEN I WOULD DO IT. IT DOESN'T COST A WOMAN ANY MONEY TO HAVE SEX WITH ME, JUST TIME. THEY COULD AT LEAST HAVE A WOMAN SIT ON MY FACE WHILE THEY DRAIN BLOOD OUT OF ME. IN FACT, A WOMAN COULD TAKE CARE OF ME SEXUALLY THE ENTIRE TIME THAT I AM GIVING BLOOD SO THAT WE BOTH COMMIT THE EXACT SAME AMOUNT OF TIME. THE RED CROSS SHOULD TRY TO ARRANGE THIS."

I LIKE THAT IDEA. PUSSY FOR BLOOD. BUT THEY CAN'T DO THIS SINCE IT IS ILLEGAL. THE MORALISTIC GOVERNMENT THINKS THAT BARTERING FOR SEX IS BAD.

"YEAH DOC! YOU ARE RIGHT. AND THEY ARE SPENDING ALL THIS MONEY FIGHTING PROSTITUTION INSTEAD OF MAKING OUR COUNTRY MORE SECURE. WE HAD OVER SIX THOUSAND PEEPLE DIE IN ONE DAY. THEY SHOULD BE PROTECTING US FROM DANGER. ISN'T THAT THE MAIN FUNCTION OF GOVERNMENT IN THE FIRST PLACE? WE SHOULDN'T BE SPENDING OUR PRECIOUS TAX MONEY CATERING TO THE MORALISTIC VOTERS OUT THERE THAT WANT TO GET RID OF ALL KINDS OF ENJOYABLE ACTIVITIES BECAUSE THEY HAVE BEEN TAUGHT THAT THEY ARE IMMORAL AND THAT OTHERS HAVE NO RIGHT TO ENGAGE IN THEM. AND IT'S MY TAX DOLLARS THAT THEY ARE USING. I WANT MY MONEY BACK."

I POINTED OUT TO CHEAP CHARLEY THAT THE SAME ARGUMENT COULD BE APPLIED TO MARIWANNA USE.

"YOU'RE RIGHT DOC, BUT THAT IDEA DIDN'T COME TO MIND. I DON'T SMOKE WEED EVERY SINGLE DAY LIKE YOU DO."

I AM RIGHT. MONEY THAT OUR GOVERNMENT SPENT ON THE ARRESTS AND IMPRISONING OF MARIJUANA USERS COULD HAVE BEEN SPENT ON PROTECTING OUR COUNTRY FROM TERRORIST EVENTS LIKE THE RECENT ATTACKS. BUT CONGRESS WOULD RATHER KISS THE ASSES OF A FEW VOTERS THAN SPEND MONEY TO MAKE AMERICA SAFER EVEN THOUGH WE LIVE IN A REALLY FUCKED UP WORLD.

WHO HERE READING THIS LIKED THE WORLD BEFORE THE SEPTEMBER 11th ATTACKS? WHO HERE LIKES IT NOW? WHETHER OR NOT WE KNEW IT, WE WERE LOADED TO THE BRIM WITH FANATICAL TERRORISTS. WE STILL ARE. THIS IS THE REAL DANGER, NOT YOUR NEXT DOOR NEIGHBORS SMOKING POT OR YOUR COUSIN RENTING A HOOKER FOR AN HOUR. TERRORISM AND NATIONAL SECURITY ARE THE AREAS THAT WE NEED TO CONCENTRATE OUR LAW ENFORCEMENT PROCESSES ON. LET'S STOP THROWING OUR TWENTY YEAR OLD BOYS IN JAIL FOR SMOKING WEED OR SELLING IT TO THEIR FRIENDS. LET'S GO AFTER THE REAL ENEMY OF OUR SOCIETY, AN ENEMY THAT WANTS TO SEE AMERICANS AND THE AMERICAN WAY OF LIFE COMPLETELY ERADICATED FROM THE WORLD.

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