WEAKLY COLLUM # 0098
FOR MONDAY 10/08/2001
SPECIAL REPORT FROM THE DR SIMMONS NEWS ROOM
COPYRIGHT © 2001 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
WEAKLY COLLUM # 0098
FOR MONDAY 10/08/2001
DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.
WE ARE IN WEEK FOUR OF AMERICA UNDER ATTACK. I'M GETTING BACK TO NORMAL, HOW ABOUT YOU?
ACTUALLY I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. THE ATTACKS WERE TOO CLOSE TO HOME. IT IS HARD TO DISSOCIATE FROM ALL THE PAIN AND FEAR AND RAGE THAT I FEEL. AND I AM USUALLY GOOD AT DISSOCIATING FROM THIS SHIT. THAT IS WHY I CAN BE SO INSENSITIVE IN MY WRITINGS SOMETIMES.
BUT NOW MY EYES HAVE BEEN OPENED TO HOW MUCH DEVASTATION A SMALL GROUP OF PEEPLE CAN CAUSE. AND THE DEVASTATION FEELS MORE REAL SINCE IT HAPPENED RIGHT HERE IN AMERICA RATHER THAN ACROSS THE OCEAN. IT'S HARDER TO BLOCK OUT OF MY CYNICAL MIND. I'LL FEEL BETTER AFTER WE SHOOT HOLES THROUGH A FEW COCKY TERRORISTS.
BUT NOW WE HAVE MORE BULLSHIT HERE IN AMERICA. THERE ARE HUNDREDS OR THOUSANDS OF PROTESTERS CAMPAIGNING AGAINST WAR. THESE PROTESTERS ARGUE THAT INNOCENT LIVES MAY BE LOST IF WE LAUNCH AN ATTACK IN AFGHANISTAN. WHAT DUMBFUCKS! INNOCENT LIVES HAVE ALREADY BEEN LOST. THAT IS A CASUALTY OF WAR. INNOCENT LIVES HAVE BEEN LOST IN EVERY WAR FROM THE FIGHT AGAINST HITLER TO THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR. BUT MANY MORE INNOCENT LIVES WILL BE LOST IN AMERICA IF WE SIT AROUND WITH OUR FINGERS UP OUR ASSES AND DON'T RESPOND TO THE THREAT AGAINST AMERICA.
LOOK AT ALL THE INNOCENT LIVES THAT WERE LOST ON SEPTEMBER 11 AT THE WORLD TRADE CENTER AND AT THE PENTAGON AND IN THE PENNSYLVANIA PLANE CRASH. ONE MINUTE PEEPLE WERE GOING THROUGH THE DAILY GRIND AT THE OFFICE, GETTING THEIR COFFEE TO HELP THEM MAKE IT THROUGH THE DAY. NEXT MINUTE THEY ARE GETTING BLOWN UP BY A FUCKIN PLANE CRASHING INTO THE BUILDING WHERE THEY ARE WORKING. THESE PEEPLE WEREN'T GUILTY OF ANYTHING, BUT NOW THEY ARE GONE FOREVER.
MANY RESCUE WORKERS WERE KILLED WHEN THE WORLD TRADE CENTER COLLAPSED ON THEM WHILE THEY WERE TRYING TO SAVE OTHERS. THEIR ONLY CRIME WAS THAT THEY CARED ENOUGH FOR OTHERS TO RISK THEIR LIVES TO TRY TO HELP THEM, AND MANY OF THEM DIED BECAUSE OF THAT. FUCKIN BREAKS MY HEART. DON'T TELL ME THAT WE SHOULDN'T RETALIATE AGAINST THE PERPETRATORS OF THIS VIOLENCE. YOU WILL JUST PISS ME OFF.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THESE FOOLS ARE THINKING. THEY WANT US TO BE PASSIVE WITH THOSE THAT ATTACKED US SO THAT NO MORE INNOCENT LIVES WILL BE LOST. LIKE THAT IS THE ANSWER. THE TERRORISTS ARE SICK MINDED INDIVIDUALS WITH AN AGENDA OF HATRED AND DESTRUCTION AGAINST WESTERN NATIONS. THEY AINT GONNA CHANGE THEIR NATURE IF WE DON'T RETALIATE AGAINST THEM. WHAT DO THESE NAIVE, STUPID PROTESTERS WANT US TO DO, GO AROUND HUGGING TERRORISTS SO THAT THEY DON'T KEEP BLOWING US UP? COME ON! FACE REALITY. OR DO YOU WANT THESE DUDES TO KEEP BLOWING UP BUILDINGS FULL OF PEEPLE RIGHT ON AMERICAN SOIL? MAYBE YOUR FAMILY WILL BE VICTIMS OF THE NEXT ATTACK.
WE ARE ALREADY AT WAR. THE ATTACKS ON THE WORLD TRADE CENTER AND ON THE PENTAGON WERE THE START OF THAT WAR. THESE WERE NOT ONE MAN ATTACKS. THEY WERE HIGHLY ORGANIZED, GOVERNMENT SUPPORTED ATTACKS. WE HAVE A RIGHT TO RESPOND TO THOSE ATTACKS. WE WILL CONTINUE TO BE IN GREAT DANGER UNTIL WE GO AFTER THE MAIN SOURCE OF THE ATTACKS. SHIT LIKE THIS MAY HAPPEN AGAIN NO MATTER WHAT WE DO. WE ARE ALREADY ON THE TERRORISTS' SHIT LIST. WAR AINT FUN, BUT SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA DO IT.
WE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO COMPLETELY ELIMINATE TERRORIST ATTACKS WHETHER OR NOT WE RETALIATE. BUT WE CAN'T GET RID OF THE PROBLEM BY SITTING ON OUR ASSES WHILE THEY BLOW MORE SHIT UP. WE HAVE TO ATTACK THEM ON ALL FRONTS AS PRESIDENT GEORGE W BUSH IS DOING. WE HAVE TO MAKE IT AS DIFFICULT AND PAINFUL AS POSSIBLE TO BE A TERRORIST. WE HAVE TO TAKE AWAY THEIR POWER SINCE WE CAN NEVER TAKE AWAY THEIR SICK MOTIVATION.
THERE ARE OTHERS IN THE UNITED STATES, HOWEVER, THAT NOT ONLY WANT WAR, BUT ARE TIRED OF WAITING FOR IT TO HAPPEN. THEY ARE TIRED OF WAITING FOR JUSTICE TO BE SERVED AND SWEET REVENGE TO BE ADMINISTERED. I CAN UNDERSTAND YOUR IMPATIENCE. I WANT TO SEE THE TERRORISTS AND THE TALIBAN BLOWN INTO A MILLION PIECES TOO. BUT WE HAVE TO BE METHODICAL BOTH ON THE OFFENSIVE AND ON THE DEFENSIVE.
WE HAVE TO MAKE SURE WE ARE FULLY PREPARED WHEN WE ATTACK. WE NEED ENOUGH PLANES AND SUPPLIES AND GROUND TROOPS ON HAND. WE NEED TO HAVE GATHERED ENOUGH INTELLIGENCE INFORMATION ON THE ENEMY. WE NEED TO MAKE PLANS BASED ON THOSE INTELLIGENCE ASSESSMENTS. YOU CAN'T JUST GO IN FIRING WITH EVERYTHING YOU GOT AND HOPE TO WIN WITHOUT MAJOR CASUALTIES.
ON THE DEFENSIVE SIDE, WE NEED TO MAKE SURE THAT WE ARE SECURE AT HOME. WE HAVE TO APPREHEND AS MANY TERRORIST MEMBERS AS POSSIBLE. WE HAVE TO INCREASE SECURITY AT AIRPORTS, MILITARY BASES, AND ANYWHERE THAT LARGE GATHERINGS OF PEEPLE TAKE PLACE. AND WE HAVE TO MAKE SURE THAT WE ARE PREPARED FOR A BIOLOGICAL OR CHEMICAL ATTACK. THIS MEANS WORKING WITH PRIVATE U.S. COMPANIES. ALL OF THIS TAKES TIME.
BUT THE TIME WILL COME WHEN WE LAUNCH OUR ATTACK. THE QUESTION IS NOT IF BUT WHEN. WHEN IT DOES COME, IT WILL BE SWEET, REAL SWEET. IT WILL BE WORTH THE WAIT.
IN OTHER NEWS, SEXY JENNIFER LOPEZ GOT HITCHED. THE LUCKY DUDE WHO WILL BE TAGGING THAT SWEET ASS IS CRIS JUDD. THAT SUCKS! IF I WASN'T SO PREOCCUPIED WITH THIS TERRORIST STUFF THAT'S BEEN GOING ON, MAYBE I COULD HAVE STOPPED HER FROM MARRYING THIS DUDE. BUT I WASN'T ON THE BALL. I AM STILL REELING FROM THE PAIN OF JENNIFER ANISTON MARRYING BRAD PITT AGAINST MY WISHES LAST YEAR. ALSO SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR BECOMING ENGAGED TO FREDDIE PRINZE JR THIS SUMMER DIDN'T HELP MY SPIRITS OUT EITHER. THE PAIN OF MY BROKEN HEART NEVER CEASES.
WHY CAN'T THESE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN STAY SINGLE? MARRIAGE IS LIKE A DISEASE THAT KEEPS WIPING THEM OUT ONE BY ONE. IT WOULD SURELY HELP THESE BEAUTIFUL CELEBRITIES TO MAINTAIN THEIR POPULARITY IF THEY STAYED SINGLE LONGER. THERE ARE A LOT OF US HORNY GUYS THAT LIKE TO THINK THAT WE SOMEHOW HAVE A CHANCE WITH ONE OF THESE WOMEN. ALSO IT MAKES IT HARDER FOR SOME MEN TO MASTURBATE TO PICTURES OF JENNIFER LOPEZ OR OTHER FAMOUS BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IF THEY THINK ABOUT ANOTHER DUDE ACTUALLY GETTING SOME FROM HER EVERY NIGHT.
THAT IS ALL FOR THIS WEEK. I'M GONNA GO THROUGH MY JPEGS AND FIND SOME GOOD NUDE CELEBRITY PICTURES TO WACK O SPECIAL REPORT FROM THE DR SIMMONS NEWS ROOM
THE UNITED STATES AND BRITAIN LAUNCH ATTACKS AGAINST THE TERRORISTS AND THE TALIBAN IN AFGHANISTAN AROUND NOON TIME ON SUNDAY. HURRAY! THIS IS WHAT WE HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR. THE ATTACKS WERE WITH CRUISE MISSLES AND HIGHLY SOPHISTICATED AIRCRAFT INCLUDING THE B2 BOMBER.
THE NATIONS OF BRITAIN, GERMANY, AUSTRALIA, AND CANADA ARE PLEDGING TROOPS TO THE CONTINUING WAR EFFORT. CANADA? I DIDN'T KNOW THAT CANADA EVEN HAD TROOPS. I GUESS THEY AREN'T AS WIMPY A NATION AS I HAD THOUGHT.
ACTUALLY CANADA HAS MORE THAN TWENTY MILITARY TROOPS AND THEY PLAN TO COMMIT TEN OR ELEVEN OF THEM TO THIS MISSION. WE ARE GONNA HAVE TO TRAIN THEM HOW TO SHOOT A GUN OR DRIVE A TANK SINCE CANADIANS ARE MILITARILY DYSLEXIC.
WHILE WE ARE DROPPING BOMBS ON THE TALIBAN, WE ARE ALSO DROPPING FOOD AND MEDICINE INTO AFGHANISTAN TO HELP OUT THE AVERAGE JOE THERE. THAT IS PROBABLY CONFUSING THE FUCK OUT OF THE PEEPLE OF AFGHANISTAN. MAYBE THAT IS OUR INTENTION. IT'S LIKE GIVING THE ENEMY A LAST MEAL BEFORE WE EXECUTE THEM. THEY SHOULD DROP A FEW BOXES OF BLIND FOLDS TOO.
IF WE ARE GONNA GIVE THEM FOOD, LET'S GIVE THEM CANNED BEANS. IN SCHOOL THAT IS WHAT WE ALWAYS GAVE THE POOR WHEN WE DID FOOD DRIVES. I'LL BET ALL THE POOR PEEPLE HATED US SO MUCH FOR THAT. AFTER A FEW DAYS OF EATING CANNED BEANS, I'LL BET MOST OF THEM WOULD RATHER STARVE TO DEATH THAN EAT ANY MORE OF THAT SHIT.
THERE ARE A FEW, HOWEVER, THAT ENJOY BEANS FOR THEIR FART ENHANCING ABILITY. THEY EAGERLY SUFFERED THROUGH THE MONOTONY AND BLAND TASTE KNOWING THAT THEIR BUTTS WOULD BE LETHAL WEAPONS FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND THAT THEY COULD DO A HELL OF A LOT OF DAMAGE WITH VERY LITTLE EXERTION. MORE POWER TO THEM. COPYRIGHT © 2001 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED