WEAKLY COLLUM # 0099
FOR MONDAY 10/15/2001
DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.
I GOT GOOD NEWS. WE ARE KICKING ASS. WE ARE KICKING TALIBAN ASS. WE HAVE BLOWN UP ALL KIND OF SHIT IN AFGHANISTAN. WE HAVE KILLED A COUPLE MEMBERS OF THE RULING TALIBAN LEADER'S FAMILY, TORN UP MUCH OF THEIR DEFENSES AND BOMBED THE FUCK OUT A FEW MAJOR CITIES. NOW THEY ARE CRYING FOR US TO QUIT BOMBING THEM. "LEAVE US ALONE!" "MUSLIMS OF THE WORLD, PLEASE HELP US." THEY CAN DISH IT OUT, BUT THEY CAN'T TAKE IT. AND THEY CAN'T SEE HOW THEY BROUGHT THIS ALL ON THEMSELVES.
THEY ARE A CULT. THE TALIBAN AND THE AL QAEDA TERRORIST NETWORK COLLECTIVELY IS A CULT, JUST ONE BIG CULT. MUCH OF THE WORLD ON BOTH SIDES OF THE FIGHT CAN'T SEE THIS, BUT THAT IS ALL THEY ARE, NOTHING MORE NOTHING LESS. WE MUST DESTROY THIS VIOLENT CULT IN ORDER TO MAKE THE EARTH A SAFER PLACE TO LIVE. KEEP BOMBING THEM AMERICA.
THE BRITISH HELPED US ON OUR FIRST DAY OF AIR STRIKES IN AFGHANISTAN. WITH THEIR HELP, WE DESTROYED MANY MILITARY TARGETS INCLUDING RADAR INSTALLATIONS, AIRPORTS, AND TERRORIST TRAINING CAMPS. I'M GLAD THE BRITISH DON'T STILL HOLD A GRUDGE ABOUT THAT REVOLUTIONARY WAR INCIDENT WHERE WE KICKED THEIR ASSES.
MANY OTHER CIVILIZED NATIONS ARE SUPPORTING THE UNITED STATES FIGHT AGAINST THE TERRORISTS AND TALIBAN OF AFGHANISTAN. SOME ARE CONTRIBUTING TROOPS AND WAR EQUIPMENT. CANADA SAYS THAT IT WILL COMMIT SHIPS, PLANES, AND TWENTY THOUSAND TROOPS TO THE U.S. LED WAR AGAINST TERRORISM. THERE WAS NO WORD AS TO WHAT COUNTRIES WOULD SUPPLY THE TROOPS TO CANADA TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE ANTI TERRORISM MISSION.
BUT THE WAR IS STILL BEING FOUGHT ON AMERICAN SOIL TOO. WE HAVE TERRORISTS HIDING IN THE U.S. AND IN DOZENS OF NATIONS AROUND THE WORLD LIKE ROACHES HIDING IN THE WALLS OF AN APARTMENT HOUSING TWENTY ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS. SOME OF THEM HAVE LAUNCHED THEIR ATTACKS ON U.S. CITIZENS USING BIOLOGICAL WEAPONS SUCH AS ANTHRAX. AS OF THIS WRITING, THERE HAVE BEEN NINE CONFIRMED CASES OF ANTHRAX EXPOSURE RESULTING IN ONE DEATH.
EIGHT OF THE NINE CASES WERE EMPLOYEES OF AMERICAN MEDIA IN FLORIDA. AMERICAN MEDIA PUBLISHES TABLOID NEWSPAPERS SUCH AS THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER, THE STAR, AND THE GLOBE. THE FOURTH CASE WAS AN NBC NEWS EMPLOYEE WHO IS AN ASSISTANT TO NEWS ANCHOR, TOM BROKAW. THE AMERICAN MEDIA BUILDING AND THE THIRD FLOOR OF NBC's BUILDING HAVE BEEN SHUT DOWN WHILE THE FBI STUDIES THE CRIME SCENE.
NOW HOW ARE WE GONNA GET RELIABLE NEWS COVERAGE IF THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER IS OUT OF COMMISSION? AND THIS TIME OF CRISIS IS WHEN WE NEED THEIR HIGHLY ACCURATE REPORTING THE MOST. SUPPOSE MARTIANS ARE PLANNING TO INVADE EARTH. WHO IS GONNA WARN US ABOUT IT BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE? THIS IS A REAL PROBLEM. I'M GONNA HAVE TO START CALLING UP THE PSYCHICS AGAIN. DO ANY OF YOU HAVE THE NUMBER TO MISS CLEO?
MAYBE I SHOULD OFFER MY NEWS WRITING SERVICES TO AMERICAN MEDIA. I WOULD BE A GOOD TABLOID WRITER. I GOT WHAT IT TAKES. I AM GOOD AT MAKING STUFF UP. I HAVE AN OVERACTIVE IMAGINATION ALONG WITH A STRONG DENIAL OF REALITY. AND I WOULD LOVE TO BE ABLE TO MEET SOME FAMOUS PEEPLE.
I DON'T KNOW IF I WOULD BE ABLE TO HELP OUT NBC NEWS WITH MY WRITING SKILLS, THOUGH. FROM WHAT I UNDERSTAND, THEY DON'T LIKE WRITERS THAT MAKE SHIT UP, CHANGE TOPICS WITHOUT WARNING, GLORIFY BEER DRINKING AND DOPE SMOKING, AND CUSS AS MUCH AS I LIKE TO DO.
AT LEAST I WOULDN'T BE ASKING OTHERS TO HAVE COMPASSION FOR THE TERRORISTS LIKE MOVIE ACTOR RICHARD GERE IS DOING. GERE WHO FOLLOWS BUDDHIST TEACHINGS ANNOUNCED THAT HE BELIEVES THAT LOVE AND COMPASSION FOR THE TERRORISTS IS THE ANSWER TO THESE TYPES OF PROBLEMS. WHAT A FUCKIN PANZY. I HATE THAT "I LOVE YOU. I LOVE EVERYBODY NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO." BULLSHIT. FUCKIN PISSES ME OFF.
I THINK SOMEONE SHOULD SHOVE THOSE GERBILS BACK UP HIS ASS, THIS TIME WITHOUT LUBRICATION, OR MAYBE SHOVE A BIG FURRY RAT UP HIS POOP HOLE. HOPEFULLY THAT WOULD TEACH HIM A LESSON ABOUT UTTERING SUCH NONSENSE. IF NOT, WE COULD SEND HIM TO AFGHANISTAN. THEY WOULD PROBABLY KILL HIM WHILE HE WAS TRYING TO DEMONSTRATE HIS LOVE AND COMPASSION FOR THESE SICKOS.
THE TERRORISTS DON'T NEED LOVE AND COMPASSION. THEY NEED BOMBS DROPPED ON THEM, BIG BOMBS. THAT IS THE ONLY THINGS THEY UNDERSTAND. LOVE AND COMPASSION ARE SUCH A MEANINGLESS CONCEPTS TO THOSE THAT DO NOT VALUE HUMAN LIFE. THE ONLY THING THAT THESE MOTHER FUCKERS ARE CAPABLE OF LOVING IS HATE. YOU WASTE YOUR LOVE AND COMPASSION BY BESTOWING IT ON SUCH DISPICABLE, VILE CREATURES. DON'T WASTE YOUR LOVE AND COMPASSION ON THEM. YOU DEMEAN THE CONCEPTS OF LOVE AND COMPASSION BY DOING THAT.
I THINK I'M GONNA BOYCOTT RICHARD GERE'S MOVIES BECAUSE OF HIS BULLSHIT ABOUT COMPASSION FOR KILLERS. ACTUALLY I WASN'T INTERESTED IN SEEING ANY OF HIS MOVIES EVEN BEFORE HE MADE HIS KNUCKLEHEADED COMMENTS. THE ONLY MOVIE OF HIS THAT I REMEMBER EVER WATCHING WAS THE ONE ABOUT THE HOOKER. AND JULIA ROBERTS DIDN'T GIVE US MUCH TO SEE AS FAR AS NUDITY WAS CONCERNED. I WAS SO DISAPPOINTED.
AMERICAN MILITARY STRIKES IN AFHGANISTAN AND PROBABLY IN MORE COUNTRIES LATER ON ARE TOTALLY JUST. WE DON'T NEED TO LOVE OUR ENEMIES. WE NEED TO BLOW THEM THE FUCK UP. WE DIDN'T START THIS WAR, BUT WE WILL FINISH IT. NO ONE CAN STOP US. WE ARE RIGHT AND WE HAVE THE POWER TO DEFEAT OUR ENEMIES.
DURING ONE OF PRESIDENT GEORGE W BUSH'S SPEECHES, HE MENTIONED HEARING FROM A YOUNG FOURTH GRADE GIRL WHOSE FATHER IS IN THE MILITARY. IN THE CONTEXT OF SOLDIERS BEING ACTIVATED FOR DUTY, THIS LITTLE GIRL SAID SOMETHING TO THE EFFECT "I LOVE MY DADDY, BUT YOU CAN HAVE HIM IF YOU NEED HIM." MAN, THAT IS INTENSE. THIS LITTLE GIRL CARES DEEPLY FOR HER FATHER, BUT SHE KNOWS THAT THERE IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM THAT NEEDS TO BE DEALT WITH. I WAS VERY MOVED EMOTIONALLY. THAT FUCKIN RIPS ME APART LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER. IT'S HARD TO BLOCK STUFF OUT LIKE THAT, EVEN FOR ME WITH THE GREAT MENTAL DEFENSE MECHANISMS THAT I HAVE, BECAUSE I WAS SO TOTALLY NOT EXPECTING SOMETHING LIKE THAT. IT GETS ME RAW.
THAT EXPERIENCE FUCKIN GETS AT EMOTIONAL PAIN CENTERS THAT MY DEFENSES CAN'T PROTECT ME FROM. WHY CAN'T MY DEFENSE MECHANISMS PROTECT ME FROM FEELING STRONG FEELINGS AND BEING EMOTIONALLY VULNERABLE LIKE THAT? I DON'T WANT TO FEEL ALL THE PAIN, FEAR, AND SORROW FROM THIS TRAGEDY. PAINFUL FEELINGS, LEAVE ME ALONE!
THIS LITTLE GIRL MAY NOT KNOW ALL THERE IS TO KNOW ABOUT POLITICS AND WAR STRATEGY, BUT SHE KNOWS THAT OUR CAUSE IS A JUST CAUSE. SHE KNOWS THAT WE ARE NOT A BAD NATION ACTING ON EVIL INTENTIONS. SHE KNOWS THAT THE PEEPLE WHO BLEW UP THE WORLD TRADE CENTER AND WHO COMMITED OTHER ATTROCITIES ARE EVIL AND MUST BE STOPPED. SHE FEELS COMPASSION, NOT FOR THE TERORISTS AND THE TALIBAN GOVERNMENT, BUT TO THOSE WHO LOST THEIR LIVES IN THE ATTACKS AND THE FAMILIES AND FRIENDS THAT MISS THEM DEEPLY. SHE KNOWS THAT HER DADDY MIGHT BE NEEDED FOR THIS BENEVOLENT CAUSE, AND SHE IS WILLING TO LET HIM ANSWER THE CALL TO HELP DELIVER JUSTICE TO THE ENEMY. MORE POWER TO HER. LINKS RELATED TO THIS WEEK'S WEAKLY COLLUM.
FBI LIST OF MOST WANTED TERRORISTS — HELP CATCH SOME OF THESE TERRORIST DICKHEADS. YOU CAN CALL THE FBI TIP LINE AT 1-866-483-5137. YOU CAN DOWNLOAD THE IMAGES TO PUT ON YOUR DART BOARD.
COPYRIGHT © 2001 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED