WEAKLY COLLUM # 0100

FOR MONDAY 10/22/2001
DR SIMMONS FACE

DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.

THIS WEEK I AM CELEBRATING MY ONE HUNDREDTH ANNIVERSARY ON THE WEB AND MY ONE HUNDREDTH WEAKLY COLLUM. THIS IS SO SPECTACULAR. IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE I HAVE BEEN ON THE WEB FOR THAT LONG, BUT I HAVE. I UPLOADED MY FIRST WEAKLY COLLUM AND SEVERAL OTHER WEB PAGES TO START MY SITE ON SATURDAY NOVEMBER 27, 1999, ONE HUNDRED WEEKS AGO. I'VE GOT STAYING POWER.

BEFORE I GO ANY FURTHER, I WANT YOU TO GRAB A DRINK AND TOAST TO MY SUCCESS, ANY DRINK AS LONG AS IT HAS ALCOHOL IN IT. YOU CAN SMOKE A JOINT TOO IF YOU WANT. JUST WATCH OUT FOR THE POLICE.

IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I FIRST SET UP MY HOMEPAGE. IN THE HUNDRED WEEKS THAT I HAVE BEEN ON THE WEB, I GOT A LOT OF SEX, PROBABLY SIX OR SEVEN TIMES, POSSIBLY MORE. IT WAS WONDERFUL. AND IT COST LESS THAN A THOUSAND DOLLARS TOTAL. I ALSO SPENT ABOUT THAT SAME NUMBER OF DAYS NOT GETTING DRUNK. YOU KNOW I DO HAVE TO HAVE MY BEERS.

I SOMETIMES TALK ABOUT HOW I DO MUCH OF MY WRITING WHEN I AM DRUNK. THIS IS ACTUALLY TRUE. TWISTED BIZARRE IDEAS FLY OUT OF ME AT A HIGH RATE OF SPEED WHEN I'M GETTING MY DRINK ON. SOME OF YOU MAY WONDER IF I EVER WRITE DURING SEX. HAVE I EVER GOTTEN A BLOW JOB WHILE WRITING? NOT SO FAR. IF I DID, THEN MY WRITING WOULD BE SOMETHING LIKE THIS "I HATE THOSE FUCKIN BASTARDS AT THE OOOH OOH. DAMN WHAT WAS I TRYING TO SAY? THEY CAN ALL FUCKIN GO - OH SHIT! YOU ARE REALLY DOING A GOOD JOB THERE - OOOOH! AAAH! I CAN'T WRITE ANY MORE. THE END."

DURING THIS TIME PERIOD A LOT OF SHIT HAPPENED IN THE WORLD. SOME OF YOU MAY NOT HAVE HEARD ABOUT THE TERRORIST ATTACKS ON SEPTEMBER 11, 2001 THAT KILLED ALMOST 6,000 PEEPLE AT THE WORLD TRADE CENTER, THE PENTAGON, AND ON A HIJACKED PLANE IN PENNSYLVANIA. WE ALSO INVADED AFGHANISTAN A FEW WEEKS AGO. WE ARE KICKING ASS THERE BY THE WAY.

BUT BACK AT HOME, WE'VE HAD ANTHRAX ATTACKS AND ANTHRAX SCARES STRARTING IN MID SEPTEMBER. WE ARE PANICKING LIKE MOTHER FUCKERS. WE GOT ALL KINDS OF DUMBFUCKS IN OUR COUNTRY THAT ARE COMMITTING ANTHRAX HOAXES AS A JOKE. I THOUGHT MY SENSE OF HUMOR WAS SICK. I CAN'T COMPETE WITH THESE DEGENERATE MOTHER FUCKERS.

ONE PRANK CASE INVOLVED SOMEONE PUTTING AN ENVELOPE ON A TEACHERS DESK CONTAINING BROKEN ASPIRIN TABLETS AND BEING LABELED WITH "DEATH TO ALL WHO OPENS THIS." THE AUTHORITIES IMMEDIATELY FIGURED OUT THAT THE PERPETRATOR WAS A NEW YORK CITY HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT BECAUSE OF THE POOR GRAMMAR INVOLVING THE USE OF A PLURAL SUBJECT "ALL" WITH A SINGULAR VERB, "OPENS".

THE STUDENT WAS TRYING TO GET CLASSES CANCELLED AT HIS SCHOOL. MAYBE THIS DUMMY SHOULDN'T BE TRYING TO CANCEL CLASSES. MAYBE HE SHOULD BE GOING IN THE OTHER DIRECTION AND STAYING AFTER SCHOOL TO TRY TO RECTIFY HIS PUBLIC SCHOOL INDUCED LEARNING DEFFICIENCY.

BEFORE THE SEPTEMBER 11 ATTACKS, THE MEDIA WAS KINDA BORED. THEY OVERHYPED A STORY ABOUT THE DISAPPEARANCE OF WASHINGTON D.C. INTERN CHANDRA LEVY WHO HAD A SEXUAL REALATIONSHIP WITH LIZARD SKINNED CONGRESSIONAL REPRESENTATIVE, GARY CONDIT. THIS FOLLOWED BY A YEAR THE HEAVILY OVERHYPED STORY OF CUBAN REFUGEE, ELIAN GONZALEZ, WITH WHOM EVERYONE FELL IN LOVE FOR NO GOD DAMN REASON. ELAIN GONZALEZ WAS DEPORTED BACK TO CUBA BY JANET RENO, AND CHANDRA LEVY'S BODY HASN'T BEEN FOUND YET.

LET ME GIVE YOU A HISTORY OF EVENTS WHOSE ONE HUNDREDTH ANNIVERSARY IS BEING CELEBRATED THIS WEEK.

NOW THAT I TALKED ABOUT HISTORY, I GUESS I GOTTA TALK ABOUT CURRENT EVENTS. MOST OF YOU PROBABLY CAME HERE BECAUSE YOU WANT TO KNOW THE LATEST INFORMATION ABOUT AMERICA'S WAR AGAINST TERRORISM. I BEAT OUT CNN FOR PROVIDING THE MOST UP TO DATE INFORMATION POSSIBLE. UNFORTUNATELY I DO IT WITH A TWO WEEK LAG.

LAST WEEK THERE WAS A TERROR INCIDENT ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES FLIGHT FROM LOS ANGELES DESTINED FOR DALLAS. THE PERPETRATOR WAS NOT TRYING TO HIJACK THE PLANE. WORSE, HE WAS TRYING TO LEAD A PRAYER. THIS AS YET UNNAMED DUMBFUCK GRABBED THE CABIN MICROPHONE OUT OF THE HANDS OF ONE OF THE AIRLINE EMPLOYEES AND STARTED PRAYING, SCARING THE OTHER PASSENGERS WITH HIS MICROPHONE GRAB TECHNIQUE.

THE PRAYING LOONEY WAS PROMPTLY KICKED OFF THE PLANE BEFORE IT LEFT LOS ANGELES. THIS GUY HAS ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE OF APPROPRIATENESS OR COMMON SENSE. PEEPLE ARE JITTERY OVER ANY SUDDEN MOVES LIKE THAT AND WITH GOOD REASON. SUCH A MOVE APPEARED TO SOME TO BE ANOTHER HIJACKING ATTEMPT. GIVEN THESE TOUGH TIMES AND THE APPREHENSION THAT WE ALL FEEL, IF I WERE ONE OF THE PASSENGERS, I WOULD HAVE THROWN THE MOTHER FUCKER OFF THE PLANE AFTER IT WAS IN FLIGHT. OF COURSE I WOULD HAVE BEATEN THE SHIT OUT OF HIM FIRST.

IN NEW PRODUCT FOR THESE TOUGH TIMES NEWS, A COMPANY CALLED AMERICA WINS HAS COME OUT WITH A PRODUCT THAT SHOULD BE IN THE BATHROOMS OF EVERY AMERICAN, OSAMA BIN LADEN TOILET PAPER. NO I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. I'VE GOTTEN A BAD REPUTATION FOR MAKING SHIT UP IN MY WRITINGS, BUT THIS IS TRUE. I WOULDN'T LIE TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT LIKE THIS.

CULT LEADER OSAMA BIN LADEN IS PURE SHIT, AND EVERYTHING THAT HE SAYS IS PURE SHIT. SO HE DESERVES SHIT RESIDUE RUBBED ALL OVER HIM. THAT IS WHY THIS TOILET PAPER IS SO IMPORTANT TO THE AMERICAN WAY OF LIFE. THE COMPANY, AMERICA WINS, ALSO HAS OTHER RELATED PRODUCTS FOR SALE INCLUDING MUGS WITH A BULLS EYE ON BIN LADEN'S FACE. I LIKE THE TOILET PAPER IDEA THE BEST BECAUSE IT PUTS SHIT WHERE IT BELONGS.

THIS IS SUCH A GREAT IDEA. YOU CAN WIPE YOUR ASS WITH OSAMA BIN LADEN TOILET PAPER. WIPE THE REMAINS OF YESTERDAY'S BURRITO ON BIN LADEN'S EVIL FACE. WOMEN, NOW YOU CAN WIPE YOUR COOTERS WITH BIN LADEN TOILET PAPER AFTER YOU TAKE A PISS. WIPING YOUR ASS WITH OSAMA BIN LADEN TOILET PAPER - THIS SOUNDS LIKE A WONDERFUL WAY TO CELEBRATE MY ONE HUNDREDTH ANNIVERSARY ON THE WEB.

LINKS RELATED TO THIS WEEK'S WEAKLY COLLUM.

AMERICA WINS — OSAMA BIN LADEN TOILET PAPER. WIPE YOUR DIRTY ASS WITH HIS FACE AND SHOW BIN LADEN WHAT YOU THINK OF HIM.

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