WEAKLY COLLUM # 0101
FOR MONDAY 10/29/2001
COPYRIGHT © 2001 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
WEAKLY COLLUM # 0101
FOR MONDAY 10/29/2001
DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.
AAAAH! AAAAH! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE. AAAAH! ANTHRAX AAAAH! CUTANEOUS ANTHRAX! INHALATION ANTHRAX! ANTHRAX SPORES! ANTHRAX IN FLORIDA, ANTHRAX AT NBC NEWS, ANTHRAX AT ABC NEWS, ANTHRAX AT CBS NEWS, ANTHRAX AT MICROSOFT, ATHRAX AT CONGRESS, ANTHRAX EVERYWHERE. AAAAH! FORGET THE VIAGRA. WE NEED MORE CIPRO, TONS OF IT.
I GUESS I SHOULD BE CALMER AND NOT CAUSE A PANIC SINCE I AM A PUBLIC FIGURE. I HAVE TO BE MORE RESPONSIBLE. I OWE IT TO ALL WHO DEPEND ON ME FOR GUIDANCE AND REASSURANCE.
ACTUALLY ANTHRAX ISN'T AS BIG A DANGER AS WE THINK. YOUR CHANCES OF DYING FROM A HEART ATTACK OR CANCER ARE STILL MUCH GREATER THAN YOUR CHANCES OF DYING FROM ANTHRAX. EVEN YOUNG PEEPLE ARE VULNERABLE TO THE LATTER TWO DISEASES. AND WE STILL HAVE AIDS RUNNING RAMPANT IN OUR COUNTRY TO THE EXTENT THAT WOMEN ARE STILL HESITANT TO LET GUYS LIKE ME STICK THEIR DICKS INTO THEM. BUT PEEPLE ARE PANICKING LEFT AND RIGHT OVER THE THREAT OF ANTHRAX. WAIT UNTIL THEY START USING THE SMALL POX VIRUS ON US.
OUR OBSESSIONAL FEARS WITH ANTHRAX WILL PROBABLY ONLY SUBSIDE WHEN THE TERRORISTS START BLOWING UP MORE BUILDINGS IN AMERICA. IN ANY EVENT, THERE HAS BEEN A LOT OF ANXIETY AND UNEASINESS EVER SINCE WE WERE CRUELLY ATTACKED BY THE IGNORANT AL QAEDA DUMBFUCKS. WE NOW KNOW WHAT KIND OF FUCKED UP WORLD WE LIVE IN.
THE TALIBAN IS IGNORANTLY TRYING TO PRAY ON THIS FEAR TO MAKE US CHICKEN OUT ON OUR QUEST FOR JUSTICE AND JUSTIFIABLE REVENGE. THE TALIBAN SAYS THAT WE WON'T FEEL SAFE UNTIL WE STOP BOMBING THEM. BUT WE FELT LESS SAFE AFTER THE SEPTEMBER 11 ATTACKS WHICH HAPPENED MORE THAN THREE WEEKS BEFORE WE STARTED BOMBING AFGHANISTAN TO SHIT. WE WILL NOT FEEL SAFE UNTIL WE WIPE OUT THE ONES THAT CAUSED THE ATTACKS.
ON THAT SCENE WE ARE DOING JUST FINE. IT'S A LONG BATTLE, BUT IN LESS THAN TWO MONTHS WE HAVE MADE A LOT OF PROGRESS. WE HAVE BEEN BOMBING THE FUCK OUT OF THEM DAY AND NIGHT WITH LITTLE RESISTANCE. WE ARE HAVING OUR WAY WITH THEM ON THE BATTLE SCENE. I'M GLAD THAT I LIVE IN A COUNTRY WHERE OUR MILITARY KICKS ASS.
THE ANTHRAX ATTACKS HAVE BEEN THE ENEMIES ONLY METHOD OF FIGHTING US SO FAR SINCE THE SEPTEMBER 11 ATTACKS. THEY HAVE KILLED THREE PEEPLE SO FAR. OUR ENEMY'S STRATEGY IS MURDER RATHER THAN WAR SINCE THESE DEATHS CONTRIBUTE NOTHING TO THE WAR EFFORT. THIS IS IN CONTRAST TO OUR STRATEGY OF GOING AFTER MILITARY TARGETS WHILE TAKING GREAT PAINS TO AVOID CIVILIAN CASUALTIES.
THE ANTHRAX ATTACKS IN AMERICA SO FAR HAVE BEEN TARGETING GOVERNMENT REPRESENTATIVES INCLUDING CONGRESS, BUT THEY HAVE ALSO BEEN TARGETING NEWS BROADCASTING COMPANIES INCLUDING NEWS ORGANIZATIONS AT THREE OF THE MAJOR TV NETWORKS. THE TERRORISTS APPARENTLY WANT THEIR HARD WORK TO BE WIDELY COVERED BY THE PRESS.
BUT THERE ARE HOLES IN THEIR STRATEGY. APPARENTLY THE IGNORANT TERRORISTS DON'T KNOW THAT NATIONAL ENQUIRER PUBLISHER, AMERICAN MEDIA, IS NOT A REAL NEWS COMPANY. THE COMPANY DOESN'T HAVE ANY REPORTERS. IT HAS DAY DREAMERS. IT HAS A LOT OF EMPLOYEES WITH WILD IMAGINATIONS AND TONS OF CREATIVITY WHO CAN TURN FACT INTO FICTION LIKE JESUS TURNING FISH INTO BREAD. THEY PROBABLY HAVE NO CLUE ABOUT THE ANTHRAX ATTACKS EVEN THOUGH THEIR EMPLOYEES WERE THE FIRST VICTIMS.
I HAVEN'T CHECKED OUT THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER LATELY. I GUESS MY MIND ISN'T AS INQUIRING AS IT USED TO BE. BUT I'M GUESSING THINGS ARE STILL THE SAME THERE. I'LL BET THEY STILL HAVE THREE OR FOUR PAGES DEDICATED TO ELVIS SIGHTINGS UPDATED FOR THE THIRD MILLENNIUM. (PROBABLY SOME WORLD TRADE CENTER SURVIVORS CLAIMING TO HAVE BEEN PULLED OUT OF THE TWIN TOWERS BY HIM) THEY ARE PROBABLY REPORTING THAT THE ANTHRAX ATTACKS ARE BEING CAUSED BY MARTIANS PLANNING TO INVADE US AFTER THEY FIRST MAKE US WEAK FROM DISEASE.
YOU COULD GIVE THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER CLASSIFIED INFORMATION AND THEY WOULDN'T PRINT IT, NOT OUT OF RESPECT FOR KEEPING IMPORTANT SENSITIVE INFORMATION OUT OF THE WRONG HANDS, BUT BECAUSE THEY FEEL IT WOULD BE BORING REALITIVE TO WHAT THEY CAN PRODUCE BY MAKING IT UP THEMSELVES OUT OF THIN AIR. BECAUSE OF THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER, THERE ARE A LOT OF SMUCKS IN THIS COUNTRY THAT THINK ELVIS IS STILL ALIVE.
MORE LEGITIMATE MEDIA COMPANIES ARE REVEALING CLASSIFIED INFORMATION WHEN THEY GET THE CHANCE. SOMEONE IN THE KNOW PROBABLY A STUPID CONGRESSMAN, FOR EXAMPLE, REVEALED TO THE PRESS WHO MINDLESSLY REVEALED TO THE PUBLIC THAT AUTHORITIES WERE TRACING OSAMA BIN LADEN THROUGH HIS CELL PHONE USE. THIS FUCKED THINGS UP FOR OUR SPY AGENCIES TRYING TO KEEP TRACK OF BIN LADEN. HE JUST SIMPLY TURNED HIS PHONE OFF. NO WORD ON HOW MANY FREE MINUTES BIN LADEN HAD LEFT.
SPEAKING OF CELL PHONES, A BRITISH RESEARCHER DISCOVERED THAT GHOSTS ARE BEING WIPED OUT BY CELL PHONES. YES GHOSTS! GHOST SIGHTINGS HAVE BEEN ON THE DECLINE FOR THE PAST FIFTEEN YEARS. IT IS COMMONLY BELIEVED BY NON QUACK SCIENTISTS THAT GHOSTS ARE MERELY INSTANCES OF UNUSUAL ELECTRICAL ACTIVITY. CELL PHONES INTERFERE WITH OR BLOCK OUT THIS ACTIVITY.
GHOST SIGHTING HAVE BEEN ON THE DECLINE IN A BIG WAY. GHOSTS ARE LIKE AN ENDANGERED SPECIES NOW AND NEED TO BE PROTECTED BY ENVIRONMENTAL LAWS. THE MAKERS AND USERS OF CELLULAR PHONES MAY SOON BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR THE DESTRUCTION OF GHOSTS. THERE MAY EVEN BE ATTEMPTS TO CHARGE THE CELL PHONE INDUSTRY WITH GHOST GENOCIDE.
HALLOWEEN AINT GONNA BE THE SAME ANY MORE WITH GHOSTS BEING WIPED OUT TO EXTINCTION AND WITH ANTHRAX SCARES AND TERRORISTS INSIDE OUR BORDERS. SOME MAYORS ARE CALLING FOR THE END OF THE TRICK OR TREAT TRADITON. WHILE I LOVE HALLOWEEN AND USED TO LOVE TO TRICK OR TREAT WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, I WOULD HAVE TO AGREE. DO YOU WANT SOME SICKO STRANGER HANDLING YOUR KIDS' CANDY? IT IS TOO EASY TO POISON A BUNCH OF CHILDREN. WE HAVE DUMBFUCKS WITHIN OUR BORDER WHO WOULD GLADLY JUMP AT THE CHANCE TO KILL OFF A BUNCH OF AMERICAN CHILDREN FOR ALLAH. TRICK OR TREAT IS NOT A GOOD IDEA WHEN YOU LIVE IN A SICK WORLD LIKE WE DO.
IN OTHER NEWS OR ACTUALLY NON NEWS, ELAIN GONZALEZ JUST CAN'T KEEP HIS ASS OUT OF THE NEWS. EARLIER THIS WEEK, ONE OF HIS RELATIVES OPENED A MUSEUM IN MIAMI DEDICATED TO THE LITTLE FREAK. ONLY IN AMERICA WOULD SOMEONE DO SOMETHING SILLY LIKE THIS. THE MUSEUM IS AT THE SITE WHERE JANET RENO ORDERED A RAID TO TAKE CUSTODY OF ELIAN FROM HIS RELATIVES IN AMERICA.
THAT LITTLE BASTARD DOESN'T DESERVE A FUCKIN MUSEUM. WHAT THE FUCK HAS HE EVER DONE? I WISH THAT I COULD HAVE BEEN IN HIS SITUATION. THEN I COULD GET ALL KINDS OF BITCHES CLIMBING ALL OVER ME. I GUESS I CAN'T BLAME THE LITTLE KID FOR ALL THE UNDESERVED ATTENTION THAT HE GOT AND WILL CONTINUE TO GET. IF I WERE HIM, I WOULD TRY TO LIVE IT UP.
SPEAKING OF FREAKS, DOUBLE MURDERER O.J. SIMPSON HAD HIS ROAD RAGE TRIAL. THIS WAS A CHANCE FOR HIM TO DO TIME FOR HIS VIOLENT CRIMINAL WAYS. HE FACED UP TO SIXTEEN YEARS IN JAIL FOR ASSAULTING A MOTORIST. BUT HE WAS FOUND ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY ONE HUNDRED PERCENT NOT GUILTY AGAIN. THERE IS NO JUSTICE. I'LL BET THEY USED THE SAME DUMBFUCK JURORS FROM HIS CRIMINAL MURDER TRIAL. THEY MUST HAVE. THERE CAN'T BE THAT MANY STUPID PEEPLE IN THIS COUNTRY. THIS IS SO DEMORALIZING. I CAN'T TALK ABOUT IT ANY MORE.
AND FINALLY, IN SPORTS NEWS, THEY ARE HAPPY IN HAPPY VALLEY, HOME OF PENN STATE FOOTBALL. NO THEY AREN'T HAPPY BECAUSE PENN STATE PLAYS IN BEAVER STADIUM, ALTHOUGH THE BEAVER PART GETS ME EXCITED. PENN STATE BEAT OHIO STATE TO GIVE LONGTIME COACH, JOE PATERNO, THE RECORD FOR THE MOST DIVISION 1 A WINS AT 324. HE EDGED OUT LEGENDARY ALABAMA COACH PAUL BEAR BRYANT. BEAR BRYANT CAN'T RECLAIM HIS TITLE FROM PATERNO IN THE FUTURE BECAUSE HE CROAKED A LONG TIME AGO.
IT MUST BE A REALLY GOOD FEELING TO WIN YOUR 324th FOOTBALL GAME, ALMOST AS GOOD AS GETTING SOME BEAVER. JOE PATERNO WILL PROBABLY BE GETTING SOME BEAVER FROM HIS WIFE TONIGHT. MORE POWER TO HIM. COPYRIGHT © 2001 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED