WEAKLY COLLUM # 0102

FOR MONDAY 11/05/2001

DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.

THIS PAGE HAS TESTED NEGATIVE FOR ANTHRAX.

EVERYTHING ELSE SEEMS TO BE TESTING POSITIVE FOR ANTHRAX, HOWEVER. WE'VE HAD FOUR PEEPLE DIE FROM INHALATION ANTHRAX SO FAR INCLUDING TWO POSTAL WORKERS. SEVERAL MORE HAVE THE DISEASE. THOUSANDS OF PEEPLE ARE BEING TESTED INCLUDING MEMBERS OF CONGRESS, THE MEDIA, AND THE SUPREME COURT. WE GOT A LITTLE PANIC GOING ON HERE.

TRYING TO ALLEVIATE THE SENSE OF PANIC, NEW YORK CITY MAYOR GIULIANI STATED THAT LAST YEAR IN THE CITY, 2000 PEEPLE DIED FROM THE FLU WHICH IS MILDER THAN ANTHRAX. THIS IS A GOOD POINT. BUT TO CALM THE HYSTERIA AMONG POSTAL WORKERS OVER THE ANTHRAX THREAT, WE NEED SOMEONE TO REMIND THEM THAT THEY HAVE A MUCH MUCH GREATER CHANCE OF DYING AS A RESULT OF ONE OF THEIR PSYCHOTIC COWORKERS GOING POSTAL AND SHOOTING THEIR WORK PLACE UP.

WITH MORE THREATS OF A POSSIBLE TERRORIST ATTACK, VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY HAS AGAIN BEEN SENT TO AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION. RUMOR HAS IT THAT HE IS GOING TO BE AT THE CHICKEN RANCH, A WHOREHOUSE NEAR LAS VEGAS.

OSAMA BIN LADEN RECENTLY CALLED ON ALL MUSLIMS WORLDWIDE TO JOIN THE FIGHT AGAINST AMERICA. MOST MUSLIMS WON'T BECAUSE THIS ISN'T A WAR AGAINST THE MUSLIMS. SOME MILITANT PAKISTANIS ARE JOINING THE FIGHT, THOUGH. MANY HAVE CROSSED THE BORDER INTO AFGHANISTAN TO HELP THE TALIBAN FORCES. I ACTUALLY LIKE THIS IDEA. NOW WE CAN WIPE THEM OUT TOO. THEY CAN'T DO MUCH AGAINST US. THEY ARE MERELY CANNON FODDER. PAKISTAN WILL BECOME MORE MODERATE WITH THE EXTREMISTS WEEDING THEMSELVES OUT THROUGH MILITANT STUPIDITY.

I'LL BE GLAD WHEN OSAMA BIN LADEN GETS JUSTICE SHOVED UP HIS ASS. HE WILL PROBABLY KILL HIMSELF BEFORE WE CAN TAKE HIM PRISONER. THAT IS FINE WITH ME. THE ONLY GOOD OSAMA BIN LADEN IS A DEAD OSAMA BIN LADEN. THIS IS BETTER THAN BRINGING HIM TO TRIAL UNDER OUR FUCKED UP JUSTICE SYSTEM AND HAVING SOME LAWYER SCUM GET HIM CLEARED SIMILIAR TO WHAT KEEPS HAPPENING WITH O.J. SIMPSON.

SENATOR PHIL GRAHAM STATED THAT THE ONLY APPROPRIATE PUNISHMENT FOR OSAMA BIN LADEN WAS DEATH. I LOVE IT WHEN OUR GOVERNMENT LEADERS TALK LIKE THAT. THAT MAKES ME CONFIDENT THAT WE WILL SEE JUSTICE. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY MORE BULL SHIT LIKE THE TYPE FROM RICHARD GERE ABOUT COMPASSION FOR THE ENEMY. COMPASSION FOR TERRORISTS IS A SLAP IN THE FACE TO BENEVOLENCE. WE NEED TO PUNISH THEM WITH ALL THAT WE HAVE. I'M GLAD OUR GOVERNMENT LEADERS RUNNING THE SHOW HAVE AN APPROPRIATE SENSE OF JUSTICE.

AS PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH HAS PROMISED, WE ARE TAKING JUSTICE TO THE ENEMY. WE ARE SLOWLY WIPING OUT THE TALIBAN DEFENSES. WE ARE CARPET BOMBING THE TALIBAN FRONT LINES. WE ARE MAKING GREAT PROGRESS.

BUT SOME WANT TO SLOW DOWN OUR MOMENTUM. SOME SAY THAT WE SHOULD SLOW DOWN OR HALT OUR ATTACKS DURING THE MONTH LONG MUSLIM HOLIDAY OF RAMADAN. NOW THIS IS BULLSHIT.

WHY SHOULD WE STOP BOMBING THE TALIBAN AND ITS TERRORIST BUDDIES DURING RAMADAN? THEY KILLED THOUSANDS OF AMERICAN CITIZENS ON U.S. SOIL IN THE NAME OF THEIR RELIGION. THIS IS WAR, NOT THE DMV. YOU DON'T RUN A WAR ON BANKERS HOURS. THE QUEST FOR JUSTICE SHOULD NOT TAKE A HOLIDAY. WE DON'T NEED TO RESPECT THEIR TRADITIONS. OUR RIGHT TO JUSTICE SUPERCEDES ANY TRADITIONS THAT OUR MURDEROUS ENEMIES MAY HAVE.

IF WE STALL OUR ATTACKS, WE COULD SUFFER MORE AMERICAN FATALITIES. THE TERRORISTS COULD LAUNCH MORE FATAL ATTACKS BECAUSE WE SLACK UP ON THE FIGHT AGAINST THEIR OPERATIONS. WHILE WE ARE SITTING ON OUR ASSES FOR A MONTH HONORING THE RAMADAN HOLIDAY, AL QAEDA COULD BE PLOTTING THE NEXT BUILDING TO BE BOMBED OR THE NEXT SET OF PLANES TO BE HIJACKED. YOU KNOW THEY WILL BE UP TO SOMETHING.

THE TALIBAN CAN TAKE A HOLIDAY IF THEY WANT TO. I DON'T MIND THAT. WE'LL BLOW THEM TO FUCKIN PIECES. BUT WE AINT GONNA TAKE A HOLIDAY AS WE TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE IN AFGHANISTAN. WE CAN'T DO THAT WHEN OVER FIVE THOUSAND INNOCENT PEEPLE HAVE BEEN SLAUGHTERED BY A TERRORIST CULT. WE CAN'T REST WHILE THE ENEMY IS STILL WITHIN OUR BORDERS READY TO CARRY OUT ANOTHER ATTACK. WE CAN'T GIVE THE ENEMY A MONTH MORE TO AVOID PAYING FOR THEIR CRIMES. WE MUST MAKE THEM PAY NOW. JUSTICE KNOWS NO HOLIDAY.

WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS WHY THEY GET AN ENTIRE MONTH OF HOLIDAY. THAT IS BULLSHIT. WHEN I WAS IN GRADE SCHOOL, I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO HAVE AN ENTIRE MONTH OFF BECAUSE OF A HOLIDAY. NO ONE IN AMERICA GETS NEARLY THAT MUCH HOLIDAY TIME OFF UNLESS THEY WORK FOR THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT.

IN OTHER NEWS, MICROSOFT, THE TALIBAN OF THE U.S. CORPORATE WORLD, IS AT IT AGAIN. THEY ARE FUCKING WITH US COMPUTER USERS. TIMED WITH THE RELEASE OF THEIR NEW WINDOWS XP OPERATING SYSTEM, MICROSOFT REDESIGNED THEIR MSN INTERNET SITE TO REJECT BROWSERS MADE BY THEIR COMPETITION. THIS IS JUST ONE OF A LONG LIST OF STUNTS THAT MICROSOFT HAS DONE OVER THE YEARS TO HELP BENEFIT THE AVERAGE COMPUTER USER.

I WAS ABOUT TO E-MAIL THEM AND STRIAGHTEN THEM OUT, BUT THEY CORRECTED THE PROBLEM BEFORE I HAD A CHANCE. I GUESS THEY KNEW THAT I WAS GONNA RIP THEM A NEW ASS HOLE LIKE I DID WHEN THEY CAME UP WITH THAT SMART TAGS BULLSHIT A FEW MONTHS BACK.

I ALSO RECENTLY HASSLED A DSL COMPANY, NOT BECAUSE OF ANYTHING SERIOUS THAT I OBJECTED TO, BUT BECAUSE I WAS JUST TRYING TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN. I CAN BE MISCHIEVOUS SOMETIMES. I PICKED ON THEM FOR ONE OF THEIR COMMERCIALS.

10/15/2001 TO www.directtvdsl.com

DEAR DSL PEEPLE

YOUR COMMERCIAL OUT LATELY IS SO MISLEADING. IT SHOWS A DUDE ON THE INTERNET USING YOUR DSL SERVICE WHEN HIS COMPUTER TELLS HIM THAT HE HAS SEEN EVERYTHING ON THE INTERNET. I KEEP TRACK OF WHO COMES TO MY WEBSITE AND THIS DUDE HASN'T BEEN HERE YET. ALSO, HIS WIFE IS IN THE BACKGROUND SO I DOUBT THAT HE WENT TO ALL THE PORNOGRAPHY SITES OUT THERE. PORNOGRAPHY IS OVER HALF THE INTERNET. USUALLY MEN WILL GO TO THESE WEB SITES WHEN THEIR WIVES ARE OUT SHOPPING OR VISITING THEIR MOTHERS. I PLAN TO INFORM MY WEBSITE VISITORS OF THIS MISINFORMATION. PLEASE CORRECT THIS IMMEDIATELY.

DOCTER ARTEUS SIMMONS

I FORGOT TO TELL THEM THAT MY CABLE MODEM INTERNET SERVICE IS MUCH FASTER THAN THEIR DSL SERVICE. DAMN!

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