WEAKLY COLLUM # 0103

FOR MONDAY 11/12/2001

DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.

AS WE ENTER THE SIXTH WEEK OF ATTACKS ON THE TALIBAN IN AFGHANISTAN, WE ARE KICKING ASS. WE ARE SLAUGHTERING THE TALIBAN SOLDIERS. WE ARE SHOOTING THEM WITH PRECISION USING OUR ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY. I LOVE IT. THE TALIBAN SOLDIERS ARE FIGHTING TO DEFEND A MURDEROUS REGIME. THEY DESERVE TO BE MASSACRED BY OUR MILITARY.

GEORGE W BUSH IS DOING A GREAT JOB WITH THE WAR ON TERRORISM. I AM SO FUCKIN GLAD THAT AL GORE DID NOT WIN THE ELECTION. AL GORE DOESN'T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO DO WHAT IS NECESSARY TO FIGHT THE WAR ON TERRORISM. HE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN AGGRESSIVE ENOUGH WITH OUR MILITARY TO TAKE IT TO THE ENEMY. WE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN A LOT OF RHETORIC, A LOT OF SPEECHES, BUT NOT MUCH DONE. THANK YOU VOTERS OF FLORIDA.

WE HAVE NOT YET CAPTURED BIN LADEN, BUT WE ARE MAKING PROGRESS. WE HAVE DESTROYED HIS TERRORIST CAMPS IN AFGHANISTAN, CUT OFF SOME FUNDING TO HIS ORGANIZATION, CAPTURED MANY OF HIS THUGS, AND ARE METHODICALLY DISMANTLING THE TALIBAN MILITARY AND GOVERNMENT. WE JUST HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO SHAKE THAT ANTHRAX THING YET.

AS THE ANTHRAX ATTACKS HAVE SUBSIDED OVER THE PAST FEW WEEKS, THE EFFORT TO TEST, CLEAN UP, AND PREPARE FOR FUTURE ANTHRAX ATTACKS GOES ON AND WILL COST THE UNITED STATES BILLIONS OF DOLLARS. THE POST OFFICE IS ASKING FOR FIVE BILLION FROM THE GOVERNMENT.

POSTMASTER GENERAL JOHN POTTER SAYS THAT THE GOVERNMENT, NOT THE POSTAL SERVICE CUSTOMERS SHOULD FOOT THE BILL. HE ARGUED THAT THE COSTS OF CLEANING UP ANTHRAX INFECTED BUILDINGS, IRRIDIATING MAIL AND OTHER MEASURES FALL UNDER THE DOMAIN OF HOMELAND SECURITY AND THEREFORE SHOULD BE PAID FOR BY GOVERNMENT FUNDS AND NOT BY STAMP BUYERS.

BUT THESE ARE THE SAME PEEPLE. THE SAME PEEPLE WILL BE PAYING FOR THE ANTHRAX CLEANUP EITHER WAY. THE METHOD OF PAYMENT IS DIFFERENT, BUT THE SOURCE OF PAYMENT IS THE SAME - THE AMERICAN PEEPLE. THE ONES WHO SEND TAX FORMS WITH CHECK ENCLOSED TO THE IRS ARE THE SAME ONE WHO BUY THE STAMPS TO SEND THEM. WHETHER YOU PAY FOR IT AS A TAX PAYER OR AS A CONSUMER YOU ARE PAYING FOR IT. DUH! BUT MOST OF YOU DIDN'T REALIZE THIS EITHER.

I'M NOT SAYING THAT THIS MONEY SHOULDN'T BE SPENT TO TAKE CARE OF THE ANTHRAX PROBLEM. RATHER, I AM HIGHLIGHTING THE IGNORANCE OF MANY OF YOU WHO THINK THAT THE GOVERNMENT IS AN INDEPENDENT SOURCE OF MONEY. THE GOVERNMENT GETS ITS SPENDING MONEY FROM YOU AND ME, THE TAX PAYERS.

THIS IGNORANCE IS THE REASON WHY POLITICIANS WHO WANT TO CUT GOVERNMENT SPENDING PROGRAMS ARE SEEN AS CRUEL AND TRYING TO HURT THE COUNTRY. BUT THEY AREN'T. THEY JUST KNOW THAT THE MONEY THAT THE GOVERNMENT SPENDS ON THE ECONOMY IS TAKEN FROM THE ECONOMY THROUGH TAXATION. THE GOVERNMENT BUREAUCRACIES ARE INEFFICIENTLY SPENDING THE MONEY RATHER THAN THE BUSINESSES AND INDIVIDUALS WHO EARNED IT.

THERE IS A FUCKIN RINGING SOUND COMING FROM THE NEXT STREET OVER. IT'S THE ICE CREAM MAN. DR SIMMONS IS EXCITED AS A MOTHER FUCKER. HE RUNS FRANTICALLY AFTER THE ICE CREAM TRUCK FOLLOWED BY HIS DOGS, RETARD AND BONG BONG. THE ICE CREAM TRUCK DOESN'T COME ONTO HIS STREET BUT INSTEAD GOES IN THE OTHER DIRECTION. OUR PROTAGONISTS CATCH UP TO IT TEN MINUTES AND THREE BLOCKS LATER. DR SIMMONS AND BONG BONG ARE TIRED AND CRAMPING LIKE MOTHER FUCKERS. RETARD, HOWEVER, IS IN GOOD SHAPE BECAUSE HE FUCKS A LOT.

DR SIMMONS "GIMME TWO MILKY POPS AND AN ORANGE PUSHUP."

ICE CREAM MAN "WE DON'T FUCKIN HAVE MILKY POPS. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS DOC?"

DR SIMMONS "WELL THEY'RE ON THE MENU. YOU GOT A PICTURE OF THEM RIGHT THERE."

ICE CREAM MAN "IF YOU DON'T STOP HARASSING ME ABOUT THOSE STUPID MILKY POPS, YOU AND YOUR DOGS WON'T GET ANY ICE CREAM."

DR SIMMONS "I'M SORRY! THEN GIVE ME AN ORANGE PUSHUP AND A ROCKY MOUNTAIN ECLAIR BAR. MY DOGS WANT AN ICE CREAM SANDWICH AND A CREAMY NUT BAR."

FORTY FIVE MINUTES LATER OUR PROTAGANISTS MAKE IT BACK HOME. ALL THREE HAVE ICE CREAM ALL OVER THEIR FACES.

THAT WAS SOME GOOD ICE CREAM. YOU DOGS HAVE GOT VANILLA ALL OVER YOUR FACES. YOU LOOK LIKE YOU JUST ATE OUT SOME PUSSY.

LET ME GET BACK TO THE NEWS. IN DALLAS, TEXAS, SOME DUMBFUCK STOLE A TRUCK FULL OF LUMBER AND LEAD THE POLICE ON A HIGH SPEED, I MEAN LOW SPEED CHASE FOR ABOUT AN HOUR AND A HALF. THE FOX NEWS HELICOPTER FOLLOWED THE TRUCK AS IT WAS BEING CHASED AND SHOT AT BY POLICE.

WOW! THAT WAS AMAZING. I WAS WATCHING IT LIVE. WHAT A FUCKIN BONER. WHEN I TURNED ON THE TV, I WASN'T EXPECTING TO SEE A REAL LIVE TRUCK JACKING. ON TOP OF THAT, THE TRUCK AND THE LUMBER THAT IT WAS CARRYING WAS ON FIRE. EVEN THOUGH THE TRUCK WAS ONLY GOING ABOUT FORTY TO SIXTY MILES PER HOUR, IT WAS BURNING UP THE ROAD.

THE TRUCK CAUGHT FIRE BECAUSE THE DRIVER FORGOT TO RELEASE THE REAR BREAKS. NOT TOO BRIGHT. THAT'S IS WHAT MADE ME THINK IT WAS A WOMAN DRIVER. HE WAS ALSO DRIVING SLOW WITH THE POLICE CHASING HIM. THIS LEAD ME TO BELIEVE THAT SOME OLD GERIATRIC FART WAS BEHIND THE WHEEL. I'VE GOTTEN STUCK BEHIND A FEW OF THOSE BEFORE.

I THINK AMERICA REALLY NEEDED THIS LOW SPEED TRUCK CHASE TO HAPPEN. WE HAVE BEEN SO INUNDATED WITH ALL THE DEATH AND THE FEAR AND THE PAIN FROM THE RECENT ATTACKS. WE HAVE BEEN PREOCCUPIED WITH THE WAR EFFORT IN AFGHANISTAN. WE NEEDED SOME RELEASE.

WHEN WE WATCHED THE WORLD TRADE CENTER BURNING AND LATER CRUMBLING, WE KNEW THAT THOUSANDS OF PEEPLE WERE DEAD OR WERE GOING TO DIE IN THE INCIDENT. THIS TRUCK CHASER, THOUGH DRAMATIC, EVOKED OUR AMUSEMENT AND NOT OUR HORROR. THE STORY HAD A HAPPY ENDING. THE AMERICAN TV VIEWERS WERE ENTERTAINED FOR A WHILE. THE BAD GUY WAS CAUGHT. NO ONE WAS KILLED. I WISH THE NEWS COULD ALWAYS BE LIKE THIS.

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