WEAKLY COLLUM # 0104
FOR MONDAY 11/19/2001
WEAKLY COLLUM # 0104
FOR MONDAY 11/19/2001
DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.
THIS WEEK THERE WAS ANOTHER TRAGEDY IN THE SKIES. AMERICAN AIRLINES FLIGHT 587 DESTINED FOR THE DOMINICAN REPUBLIC CRASHED SHORTLY AFTER TAKE OFF. EVERYONE ON BOARD AND SEVERAL ON THE GROUND WERE KILLED. I'M GETTING SICK OF ALL THIS PLANE CRASH SHIT.
ALL DAY THE STORY WAS REFERRED TO AS BREAKING NEWS EVEN THOUGH THE NOVELTY OF THE STORY HAD FADED LATE INTO THE AFTERNOON. I GUESS THEY CONSIDER IT BREAKING NEWS BECAUSE THE PLANE BROKE INTO PIECES WHILE IN FLIGHT.
THE STOCK MARKET SHOT UP SHARPLY LATER IN THE WEEK AFTER INVESTORS REALIZED THAT THE PLANE CRASH WAS PROBABLY NOT CAUSED BY TERRORISM. THE MARKET WENT UP STRONGLY BECAUSE OF AN ACCIDENTAL PLANE CRASH THAT KILLED OVER 260 PEEPLE - WHAT A SICK BUNCH OF MOTHER FUCKERS.
BUT THERE ARE PEEPLE THAT ARE EVEN SICKER, SOME OF THEM AS SICKER THAN ME. THERE WERE A BUNCH OF MOTHER FUCKERS WHO PICKED 587 IN THE LOTTERY BECAUSE IT WAS THE FLIGHT NUMBER OF THE CRASHED PLANE. THOUSANDS OF PEEPLE WON IN THE NEW JERSEY LOTTERY WITH THAT NUMBER SEVERAL HOURS AFTER THE CRASH. WHAT A LUCKY BUNCH OF SICK MOTHER FUCKERS.
SPEAKING OF SICK MOTHER FUCKERS. THE TALIBAN ARE GETTING THEIR ASSES SPANKED. THE KEY CITY OF MAZAR-I-SHARIF (NO RELATION TO ACTOR OMAR SHARIF) FELL TO THE NORTHERN ALLIANCE EARLY THIS WEEK. SOON AFTER THAT, FORMER NORTHERN ALLIANCE CAPITAL, TALOQAN WAS FREED FROM TALIBAN CONTROL AS WELL. HERAT, ANOTHER CITY IN NORTHERN AFGHANISTAN, WAS ALSO LIBERATED BY THE NORTHERN ALLIANCE FORCES. THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD STRING OF VICTORIES, BUT I DON'T THINK THEY CAN TAKE KABUL ANY TIME SOON.
SPECIAL FUCKIN NEWS FLASH! THE AFGHANISTAN CAPITAL OF KABUL HAS JUST FALLEN TO THE NORTHERN ALLIANCE. AT THIS RATE, THE NORTHERN ALLIANCE WILL BE IN PAKISTAN IN LESS THAN A WEEK. YOU WERE WRONG AS A MOTHER FUCKER, DR SIMMONS.
THAT'S GREAT NEWS. ALL THESE TALIBAN CONTROLLED CITIES FELL TO THE NORTHERN ALLIANCE OVER THE PAST WEEK. EVEN THE TALIBAN STRONGHOLD OF KANDAHAR IN SOUTHERN AFGHANISTAN FELL THIS WEEK. ACTUALLY KANDAHAR HASN'T FALLEN YET. I'M JUST GETTING EXCITED.
THE SUCCESS OF THE NORTHERN ALLIANCE HAS BEEN HELPED IMMENSELY BY THE SIX WEEKS OF AIR STRIKES BY THE U.S MILITARY. OUR AIR STRIKES WOULD BE EVEN MORE SUCCESSFUL IF WE DIDN'T MAKE SUCH A HUMANITARIAN EFFORT TO AVOID HITTING CIVILIANS. MANY AMERICAN PLANES RETURNED FROM THEIR MISSIONS WITH ALL OF THEIR WEAPONS UNFIRED BECAUSE THEY COULD NOT FIND TARGETS AWAY FROM CIVILIANS. THIS AINT THE WAY THAT AMERICA USED TO FIGHT WARS. I REMEMBER THE DAY WHEN WE WOULD DROP A NUCLEAR BOMB AND WIPE OUT AN ENTIRE CITY. THOSE WERE THE GOOD OLE DAYS.
THE TALIBAN HAS BECOME A BUNCH OF PUSSIES ALL OF A SUDDEN. TALIBAN INCORPORATED IS GOING DOWN THE TUBE. TALIBAN.COM IS ONLY GONNA YIELD ERROR 404 - EVIL REGIME NOT FOUND. MULLAH MOHAMMAD OMAR, THE TALIBAN LEADER FOR THE NEXT FEW MINUTES, ORDERED HIS MEN TO KEEP FIGHTING AND NOT TO RUN AWAY LIKE THEY HAVE BEEN DOING. THAT'S GOOD. WE CAN KILL THEM EASIER THAT WAY. BETTER DEAD THAN TALIBAN. AINT THAT HOW THE SLOGAN GOES? OMAR REPEATEDLY CALLED FOR "DEATH TO AMERICA". BUT HE AND BIN LADEN NEED TO LEARN SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT, THAT YOU MAY BE ABLE TO KILL AMERICANS, BUT YOU CAN NOT KILL AMERICA.
I'M WAITING FOR THE DAY WHEN BIN LADEN HIMSELF IS ELIMINATED, MOST LIKELY BY SUICIDE. I'D RATHER HIM BLOWN TO BITS WHILE ON THE TOILET WHILE TAKING A DUMP BUT I'M NOT TOO PICKY AS LONG AS THEY CAPTURE OR KILL HIM AND HIS FELLOW TERRORISTS. THEY BETTER CATCH THESE FUCKIN TERRORISTS. THAT IS WHAT I AM PAYING ALL THESE TAXES FOR.
NOW OTHER COUNTRIES ARE SENDING TROOPS BECAUSE THEY SEE HOW MUCH FUN WE ARE HAVING. FRANCE IS SENDING SEVERAL THOUSAND TROOPS TO AFGHANISTAN TO HELP OUT THE UNITED STATES. LET'S HOPE THAT THEY WILL PERFORM BETTER THAN THE FRENCH MILITARY DID DURING WORLD WAR 2. THE FRENCH TROOPS DURING WORLD WAR 2 WERE A PART OF THE ALLIED FORCES, BUT THEY WERE MORE LIKE HOSTAGES THAN ANYTHING ELSE.
THE FRENCH TROOPS WILL BE JOINING THE CANADIAN TROOPS THAT WERE EARLIER COMMITTED TO THE WAR EFFORT. NO WORD ON WHO WILL BE BABY-SITTING THE TWO SETS OF TROOPS.
FRENCH SOLDIERS ARE NOT ACCUSTOMED TO ACTUALLY FIGHTING IN COMBAT. MOST FRENCH SOLDIERS IN THE PAST HAVE BEEN UTILIZED FOR THEIR COOKING SKILLS. I DON'T THINK THIS WAR WILL BE ANY DIFFERENT. MAYBE THE FRENCH TROOPS, ARMED WITH LADELS AND SKILLETS, ARE BEING SENT TO COOK MEALS FOR THE AMERICAN SOLDIERS. YOU KNOW THAT ALL THIS KICKING OF TALIBAN ASS MAKES A SOLDIER HUNGRY.
THE U.S. SOLDIERS HAVE BEEN GETTING CROISSANTS, BUT THE STORE BOUGHT KIND JUST DON'T TASTE AS GOOD. THEY ALSO HAD ACCESS TO SNAILS THAT ARE INDIGENOUS TO AFGHANISTAN, BUT NO ONE CAN COOK THEM LIKE THE FRENCH.
WHILE WE ARE AT IT, WE SHOULD SEND SOME ITALIAN SOLDIERS TO AFGHANISTAN SINCE ITALIANS COOK GOOD TOO. OUR TROOPS DESERVE THE VERY BEST FOOD WE CAN GET FOR THEM DURING THIS MISSION.
ELSEWHERE IN AFGHANISTAN, THE EIGHT FOREIGN AID WORKERS INCLUDING TWO AMERICANS THAT HAD BEEN TRAPPED IN AFGHANISTAN FOR MORE THAN THREE MONTHS ALL MADE IT OUT SAFELY. I THOUGHT FOR SURE THEY WERE GONERS. I HONESTLY DID. GUESS I LOST IN THE DEATH POOL.
HEATHER MERCER, DAYNA CURRY, AND THE REST WERE RESCUED BY THE NORTHERN ALLIANCE FORCES AND FLOWN OUT BY U.S. FORCES AFTER THE TALIBAN RAN LIKE MOTHER FUCKERS TO POSTPONE THE INEVITABLE ASS WHIPING THEY ARE GONNA BE DEALT BY THE AMERICAN FORCES AND THE NORTHERN ALLIANCE. AMERICAN DAYNA CURRY IS A REAL NICE PIECE OF ASS. I WOULD LOVE TO CRAWL UP INSIDE HER. I'M GLAD THEY WERE ABLE TO RESCUE HER.
I'M ABOUT DONE WITH MY COLUMN FOR THIS WEEK BECAUSE I AM THINKING ABOUT PUSSY AND NOT ABOUT THE NEWS ANY MORE. I'M GONNA GO TO SOME PORNO SITES NOW AND FIND SOMETHING GOOD TO WACK OFF TO. COPYRIGHT © 2001 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED