WEAKLY COLLUM # 0105

FOR MONDAY 11/26/2001

DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.

WE JUST DROPPED ANOTHER DAISY CUTTER BOMB ON THE TALIBAN FORCES IN AFGHANISTAN, THE THIRD ONE IN THIS WAR. THOSE VOLKSWAGON SIZE BOMBS CAN WIPE OUT EVERYTHING WITHIN SIX HUNDRED YARDS. THAT GETS MY DICK HARD THINKING ABOUT ALL THAT POWER.

THE UNRELENTING ATTACKS HAVE KILLED SCORES OF AL QAEDA FIGHTERS AND TALIBAN TROOPS AND LIBERATED A NUMBER OF CITIES. AMONG THOSE KILLED WAS OSAMA BIN LADEN'S RIGHT HAND MAN IN HIS TERRORIST ORGANIZATION, MOHAMMED ATEF. NOW BIN LADEN WILL HAVE TO USE HIS OWN RIGHT HAND TO TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS.

THE ONLY WESTERNERS THAT SEEM TO BE GETTING KILLED IN AFGHANISTAN ARE THE JOURNALISTS AND REPORTERS. ABOUT A DOZEN HAVE BEEN KILLED SO FAR. THEY GO INTO BATTLE ZONES ARMED WITH CAMERAS AND NOTEBOOKS INSTEAD OF WITH GUNS AND GRENADES. THAT IS WHY THEY KEEP GETTING KILLED. THEY SHOULDN'T BE THERE IN THE MIDDLE OF BATTLE. THEY ARE TRYING TO GET THE STORY UP CLOSE, BUT THEY END UP BEING THE STORY BY GETTING KILLED.

MAYBE THAT IS WHY THE TALIBAN IS LOSING SO BADLY. THEY ARE TARGETING AMERICAN AND EUROPEAN JOURNALISTS INSTEAD OF TARGETING THE ENEMY FORCES. THEY WOULD BE IN A LOT BETTER SHAPE RIGHT NOW IF THEY TOOK HALF AS MANY SHOTS AT THE AMERICAN AND NORTHERN ALLIANCE MILITARY FORCES AS THEY DID AT THE TRAVELING JOURNALISTS. THE TALIBAN KNOW HOW TO KILL, BUT THEY DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT WAR STRATEGY.

WE ARE KICKING THE TALIBAN'S ASS EVEN WITHOUT SENDING MASS AMOUNTS OF GROUND TROOPS INTO AFGHANISTAN. WORD HAS IT WE WILL NOT SEND IN GROUND TROOPS IN GREAT NUMBERS INTO AFGHANISTAN UNTIL WE CAN ROUND UP AN AMPLE SUPPLY OF VIETNAMESE HOOKERS FOR THEM.

ACTUALLY WE ARE JUST SAVING THE GROUND TROOPS FOR IRAQ. THAT IS MATCH NUMBER TWO ON OUR SCORECARD. I SAY WE START THAT MATCH AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

YOU ALREADY KNEW THAT AFGHANISTAN IS NOT THE FINAL BATTLE PLACE FOR OUR WAR ON TERRORISM. MORE CONFLICT WITH IRAQ IS ALMOST INEVITABLE. THEY ARE THE SOURCE OF MUCH OF THE WEAPONS AND SUPPORT FOR TERRORISTS. AS LONG AS SODOMY INSANE IS STILL IN CONTROL, AMERICA IS NOT GOING TO BE SAFE FROM TERRORIST ATTACKS. WE HAVE TO GO INTO IRAQ AND FINISH THE JOB THERE.

THE WAR ON TERRORISM WILL TAKE US TO A FEW OTHER COUNTRIES TOO. WE MAY HAVE TO GO INTO SOMALIA, LEBANON, LIBYA, CHECHNYA, OR EVEN IRAN. THAT'S ALL RIGHT. WE GOT ENOUGH MILITARY WHIPASS FOR THESE COUNTRIES TOO.

IN OTHER NEWS, ARCHIE BUNKER LIKE FORMER DICTATOR OF THE FORMER COUNTRY OF YUGOSLAVIA, SLOBODAN MILOSEVIC, WAS CHARGED WITH GENOCIDE AND CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY IN A NATO WAR TRIBUNAL. DEFIANT SLOBBY MILOSONOVABITCH REFUSED A LAWYER ARGUING THAT THE TRIBUNAL WAS NOT LEGITMIATE.

MILOSEVIC ALSO REFUSED TO ENTER A PLEA. THAT IS WHY HE COULD HAVE USED A LAWYER TO ADVISE HIM. ALL HE HAS TO DO IS PLEA "ABSOLUTELY POSTIVELY ONE HUNDRED PERCENT NOT GUILTY" LIKE O.J. SIMPSON DID AND HE PROBABLY WILL GO FREE.

IN STILL OTHER NEWS, ANTHRAX HAS REARED ITS UGLY HEAD AGAIN. A 94 YEAR OLD CONNECTICUT WOMEN DIED FROM INHALATION ANTHRAX EARLIER THIS WEEK. HER MAIL AND THE MAIL FACILITIES WHICH HANDLED IT ALL TESTED NEGATIVE FOR ANTHRAX, HOWEVER. HER ANTHRAX INFECTION WAS ORIGINALLY THOUGHT TO BE PNEUMONIA.

FEED A COLD. STARVE A FEVER, BUT WHAT DO YOU DO FOR ANTHRAX? THERE AINT MUCH IN THE WAY OF HOME REMEDIES FOR ANTHRAX. IT SEEMS LIKE ONCE YOU GET INHALATION ANTHRAX, YOU ARE PROBABLY GONNA DIE.

ANTHRAX IS A REAL DANGER, BUT UNLIKE SMALLPOX, ANTHRAX ISN'T CONTAGIOUS FROM PERSON TO PERSON. IN ORDER TO KILL MANY PEEPLE WITH ANTHRAX, THE ATTACKERS WOULD HAVE TO KEEP LAUNCHING NEW ATTACKS. WHILE IT IS WORRISOME THAT INNOCENT CIVILIANS ARE BEING TARGETED FOR NO APPARENT REASON, I'M NOT GOING TO START PANICKING. NOT YET ANYWAY. I HAVE WORSE SHIT THAN ANTHRAX GROWING IN MY TOILETS.

IN OTHER NEWS OR ACTUALLY NON NEWS (I COVER NON NEWS TOO.), LAST FRIDAY, THE DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING, WAS THE BIGGEST SHOPPING DAY OF THE YEAR. MILLIONS OF SHOPPERS WOKE UP IN THE DARK HOURS OF THE MORNING TO RUSH TO THE STORE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ALL THE SALES BY DESPERATE RECESSION BITTEN RETAILERS. FUCK! THIS IS JUST ANOTHER WAY FOR ALREADY HEAVILY INDEBTED AMERICANS TO GET EVEN DEEPER INTO DEBT.

ONE OF MY SHOPAHOLIC PATIENTS, SHOP TOO MUCH SARA, WASTED A TON OF HER MONEY, I MEAN A TON OF HER HUSBAND'S MONEY ON A BUNCH OF USELESS SHIT DURING THE POST THANKSGIVING SALES. BEING FRUGAL THE WAY I AM, I CRINGED LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER LISTENING TO HOW THIS BITCH TREATED MONEY LIKE IT WAS NOTHING.

SHOP TOO MUCH SARA DESCRIBED TO ME ALL THE STUPID PURCHASES THAT SHE HAD MADE DURING THIS HORRIBLE DAY. SHE BOUGHT THREE PAIRS OF EXPENSIVE HIGH HEEL SHOES. I TORE HER ASS UP ABOUT THAT.

"YOU HAVE A HUNDRED PAIRS OF THOSE UNHEALTHY SHOES ALREADY. YOU ARE SPENDING MONEY TO WEAR SHOES THAT ARE BAD FOR YOUR FEET JUST SO THE FASHION INDUSTRY CAN KEEP SELLING THAT BULLSHIT."

SHOP TOO MUCH SARA ALSO BOUGHT A NEW LIVING ROOM SET. "YOU SPENT TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS FOR NEW FURNITURE WHEN YOU JUST BOUGHT NEW LIVING ROOM FURNITURE FOUR YEARS AGO. ARE YOU IN A CONTEST TO SEE WHO CAN SPEND THE MOST MONEY ON STUPID SHIT?"

I RAGGED THE SHIT OUT OF HER FOR ALL OF HER STUPID PURCHASES. SHE DESERVED IT. OF COURSE IT WAS ALL JUST TOUGH LOVE, A SKILL THAT I USE OFTEN IN MY THERAPY PRACTICE.

"WHY ARE YOU JUMPING ALL OVER ME SO HARD? SHOP TOO MUCH SARA WAS CRYING LIKE A BABY. WHO ARE YOU TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY MONEY, DOC?"

"I AM YOUR THERAPIST. YOUR INSURANCE COMPANY PAYS ME A LOT OF MONEY TO TELL YOU HOW YOU ARE FUCKING UP MENTALLY. I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO WILL SAY WHAT NEEDS TO BE SAID. YOUR HUSBAND SHOULD PUT YOU IN YOUR PLACE BUT HE'S TOO PUSSY WHIPPED. YOU PROBABLY FUCK HIM ONCE A MONTH AND HE IS AFRAID OF LOSING THAT LITTLE BIT IF HE TRIES TO CONTROL YOUR SPENDING."

STOP WASTING YOUR HUSBAND'S HARD EARNED MONEY. STOP TREATING HIM LIKE A PIECE OF MONETARY MEAT YOU SICK BITCH." (I CAN CALL HER A BITCH DURING THE TREATMENT SESSION BECAUSE I AM USING DIRECTIVE THERAPY.)

I HAD HER CRYING EVEN HARDER. GOOD! THAT'S CATHARSIS. THAT RELEASE OF EMOTIONS BY THE PATIENT SHOULD HELP HER PUT HER STUPID BEHAVIOR INTO PERSPECTIVE SO THAT SHE CAN BETTER UNDERSTAND HER OVERALL CONDITION. IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, IT AT LEAST HELPS ME FEEL BETTER FOR GETTING MY ANGER OUT INTO THE OPEN RATHER THAN BOTTLED UP INSIDE OF ME. THERAPY IS A WONDERFUL TOOL FOR SELF EXPRESSION AND EMOTIONAL RELEASE.

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