WEAKLY COLLUM # 0107
FOR MONDAY 12/10/2001
TO FUCKIN BE CONTINUED WEAKLY COLLUM # 0108 — WHERE THIS SHIT IS FUCKIN CONTINUED ABNORMAL PEEPLE — DIAGNOSIS AND TREATMENT COPYRIGHT © 2001 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
WEAKLY COLLUM # 0107
FOR MONDAY 12/10/2001
DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.
IN THE PAST FEW WEEKS I TALKED ABOUT HOW DANGEROUS IT IS FOR REPORTERS AND JOURNALISTS TO GO INTO AFGHANISTAN WHILE THERE WAS A FRICKEN WAR GOING ON. THIS WEEK I DECIDED AGAINST MY BETTER JUDGEMENT TO GO INTO THE BATTLE ZONES IN AFGHANISTAN AND GIVE YOU A FIRST HAND ACCOUNT OF THE WAR, DANGER BE DAMNED.
WHILE I AM IN AFGHANISTAN, I CAN ALSO REPORT ON UNRELATED STORIES BECAUSE I HAVE MY NEWS ALERT RECEIVER WHICH I BOUGHT FROM SOMEONE WHO STOLE IT FROM THE ASSOCIATED PRESS. I WILL BE GETTING NEWS BOTH LIVE AND FROM THE TICKER.
THIS ALL IS HAPPENING AT THE MOMENT. I AM NOT RECOUNTING THIS AT A LATER DATE. I AM IN AFGHANISTAN AS WE SPEAK. [BANG!] THERE IS A REALLY FUCKIN LOUD BANG NEARBY. A FEW MORE LOUD BANGS QUICKLY FOLLOW. DR SIMMONS IS UNDER THE TABLE SHITTING BULLETS. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? OH SHIT! MAYBE I SHOULD TURN BACK. THE WORLD DOESN'T NEED THIS STORY. [PANICKING LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER] I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE.
OH! IT WAS JUST SOMEONE SHAKING THE SNACK MACHINE BECAUSE HIS PACK OF TWINKIES GOT STUCK ON ONE OF THE COILS. ACTUALLY I'VE BEEN TOLD THAT WE ARE STILL IN UZBEKISTAN NOWHERE NEAR THE FIGHTING. WE ARE ABOUT TO LEAVE FOR KABUL, THE CAPITAL OF AFGHANISTAN, IN ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES.
TWENTY MINUTES IS JUST ENOUGH TIME. DR SIMMONS RUNS INTO THE BATHROOM AND GRABS THE CORNER STALL. I BETTER TAKE A SHIT NOW BEFORE WE HIT THE ROAD. DR SIMMONS PULLS OUT AND STARTS SMOKING A BIG JOINT. I GOTTA GET MYSELF RELAXED BEFORE I GO OUT INTO THE BATTLEFIELD.
DR SIMMONS IS NOW ON HIS WAY TO THE BATTLEFIELDS OF AFGHANISTAN. HIS BEST BUDDY, GOOD FRIEND GENE JOINS HIM AT THE LAST MINUTE. HE PAID FIFTY DOLLARS TO GET FAKE NEWS CREDENTIALS SO THAT HE CAN PRETEND TO BE A REPORTER. THEY ARE TRAVELING ON THE SAME TRUCK WITH THREE OTHER JOURNALISTS. ALL THREE ARE HOTTIES. (NICE LOOKING VERY FUCKABLE BABES FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW WHAT A HOTTIE IS) THEY ARE BEING ESCORTED BY THE MARINES IN SEVERAL TRUCKS.
THE TRUCKS ARE COLORED TO LOOK LIKE THE DESERT IN WHICH THEY WILL BE TRAVELING. YOU COULD SAY THAT THEY ARE CAMEL-FLAGED. HA HA! GOOD FRIEND GENE IS THE ONLY ONE LAUGHING AT THE JOKE.
DR SIMMONS AND GOOD FRIEND GENE KEEP TELLING SILLY JOKES AND GUT WRENCHING PUNS. THEY ARE GONNA HAVE A REAL HARD TIME GETTING LAID WITH THE BEAUTIFUL JOURNALISTS ACCOMPANYING THEM.
TWO HOURS LATER, OUR PROTAGONISTS AND THE HOTTIE REPORTERS ARE IN KABUL, THE CAPITAL OF AFGHANISTAN. THERE AINT MUCH FIGHTING HERE. THE TALIBAN ABANDONED THE CITY AFTER GETTING THE SHIT KICKED OUT OF THEM. THEY HAVE GOTTEN KICKED OUT OF A LOT OF CITIES LATELY. I RECOMMEND BURNING YOUR "I LOVE THE TALIBAN" TEE SHIRTS TO ANYONE WHO HAS ONE.
LET ME GIVE YOU SOME NEWS FROM THE TICKER. FOUR BRITISH SOLDIERS WERE RECENTLY INJURED IN COMBAT IN AFGHANISTAN. THEIR POSITION WAS APPARENTLY COMPROMISED BY THE UNITED STATES. A U.S. SOLDIER RIDING AROUND THE AFGAHNISTAN COUNTRY SIDE HOLDING A LANTERN REPEATEDLY YELLED OUT "THE BRITISH ARE COMING. THE BRITISH ARE COMING."
SPEAKING OF COMING, I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPE VINE THAT THERE WAS AN ORGY GOING ON NEAR HERE. I DON'T HAVE AN ADDRESS. WE'LL JUST HAVE TO WALK THE STREETS AND LISTENING FOR A LOT OF MOANING. AN HOUR LATER, DR SIMMONS AND GOOD FRIEND GENE FIND THE ORGY. FIFTEEN SECOND LATER, THEY ARE A PART OF IT.
I WASN'T EXPECTING TO SEE THIS MUCH ACTION SO SOON. THERE ARE ALL KINDS OF WOMEN HERE. THERE ARE PASHTUNS, UZBEKS, AND TAJIKS WHICH ARE DIFFERENT ETHNIC GROUPS IN AFGHANISTAN. THERE IS EVEN A PAKISTANI WOMAN. GOOD FRIEND GENE IS TEARING HER ASS UP NOW. I'M GONNA TRY FOR HER NEXT.
AFTER A LOT OF FUCKING, LICKING, MOANING, AND RECREATIONAL DRUG ABUSE, DR SIMMONS AND GOOD FRIEND GENE ARE READY TO RETURN TO THE CONVOY SO THAT THEY CAN CONTINUE THEIR REPORTS FROM THE BATTLEFIELDS OF AFGHANISTAN, WELL AFTER THEY TAKE A LONG NAP FIRST.
LET ME CHECK THE NEWS TICKER AGAIN AS WE DRIVE TOWARDS THE FIGHTING. IN BIRTHDAY NEWS, MEGA-GERIATRIC U.S. SENATOR FROM SOUTH CAROLINA, STROM THURMOND, CELEBRATED HIS 99th BIRTHDAY THIS WEEK. ACTUALLY HE HAS BEEN DEAD FOR MORE THAN FIFTEEN YEARS AND THEY KEEP WHEELING HIM OUT AND HAVING CONGRESSIONAL INTERNS MOVE HIS LIMBS.
THERE HAS BEEN SOME INTENSE VIOLENCE OVER IN ISRAEL. THERE HAVE BEEN MANY TERRORIST ATTACKS IN THE PAST FEW DAYS BY PALESTINIAN EXTREMISTS (VIOLENT LOSER DUMBFUCKS) AND RETRIBUTIONAL ATTACKS BY THE ISRAELI MILITARY WHICH LEFT MANY PEEPLE DEAD. I'M GLAD I'M NOT OVER THERE.
ISRAEL HAS TO START ASSERTING THEMSELVES. A FULL BLOWN ATTACK BY THE ISREALI MILITARY COULD WIPE THE PIMPLE PALESTINE RIGHT OFF THE ASS OF THE EARTH IN NO TIME. THEY ARE TRYING FOR PEACE, BUT PEACE IS NOT UNILATERAL. THE ONLY TWO CHOICES FOR PEACE ARE TO MOVE COMPLETELY OUT OF ANY DISPUTED LANDS OR TO GO ALL OUT AGAINST THEIR ATTACKERS UNTIL THERE IS NOTHING LEFT. I FAVOR THE LATTER.
IN OTHER WAR NEWS, JAPAN IS SENDING THREE WARSHIPS OUT TO SEA TO HELP SUPPORT THE FIGHT AGAINST TERRORISM. BEING THAT TODAY IS THE SIXTIETH ANNIVERSARY OF THE PEARL HARBOR ATTACK, I HOPE THE JAPANESE AREN'T PLANNING ANOTHER SNEAK ATTACK ON US. IF I WAS THE U.S. MILITARY, I'D WATCH THOSE WARSHIPS REAL CLOSELY.
AN HOUR AFTER THE CONVOY GETS BACK ON THE ROAD, THEY ARE AMBUSHED BY THE TALIBAN. I GUESS IT'S THE TALIBAN. IT'S NOT LIKE THEY HAVE IT WRITTEN ON THEIR CLOTHES. GRENADES WERE THROWN AT THE SMALL CONVEY AND BOTH SIDES EXCHANGED GUNFIRE. FIVE MINUTES LATER, THE CONVOY ESCAPES WITH ALL VEHICLES INTACT.
BUT GOOD FRIEND GENE ISN'T OK. HE IS DELERIOUS. LYING ON THE FLOOR OF THE TRUCK, HE IS TALKING REAL FAST AND NOT MAKING ANY SENSE. HE STARTS TO MAKE A LITTLE MORE SENSE WHEN HE RECOUNTS PAST EXPERIENCES OF HIS LIFE. HE STARTS ROLLING BACK AND FORTH, AND HE IS SCREAMING LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER.
NO ONE KNOWS WHAT HAPPENED. THEY SAW NOTHING HAPPEN TO GOOD FRIEND GENE. HE WAS THE FIRST ONE TO THE FLOOR OF THE TRUCK. HE DIDN'T BANG HIS HEAD OR ANYTHING. THE MEDIC CAN'T FIND ANYTHING WRONG, NOTHING AT ALL. THE MEDIC DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO TO HELP POOR SUFFERING GOOD FRIEND GENE. THIS COULD BE IT FOR HIM. TO FUCKIN BE CONTINUED
WEAKLY COLLUM # 0108 — WHERE THIS SHIT IS FUCKIN CONTINUED
ABNORMAL PEEPLE — DIAGNOSIS AND TREATMENT
COPYRIGHT © 2001 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED