WEAKLY COLLUM # 0108
FOR MONDAY 12/17/2001
NOW ON WITH OUR CURRENT EPISODE.
COPYRIGHT © 2001 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
WEAKLY COLLUM # 0108
FOR MONDAY 12/17/2001
DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.
IF YOU MISSED LAST WEEK'S WEAKLY COLLUM, (WEAKLY COLLUM # 0107), HERE'S A QUICK RECAP. DR SIMMONS IS TRAVELLING AS A WAR CORRESPONDENT IN AFGHANISTAN. HE BRINGS ALONG A NEWS QUOTER SO THAT HE CAN COVER OTHER STORIES BESIDES THE WAR. HE AND HIS BUDDY, GOOD FRIEND GENE, FIND AN ORGY. THE CONVOY IS AMBUSHED BY THE TALIBAN WITH GOOD FRIEND GENE BEING INJURED. HE IS DELERIOUS AND HIS LIFE IS FLASHING BEFORE HIS EYES. THE MEDIC CAN'T FIND ANYTHING WRONG. "TO FUCKIN BE CONTINUED" ENDED LAST WEEK'S COLUMN. NOW ON WITH OUR CURRENT EPISODE.
THE AILING GOOD FRIEND GENE IS TAKEN TO A NEARBY HOSPITAL WHERE THE DOCTORS CAN NOT FIGURE OUT WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM EITHER. AFTER TWO HOURS, THE DOCTORS CAN NOT FIND ANY WOUNDS OR BODILY DAMAGE. X-RAYS ARE NEGATIVE. BLOOD TESTS DON'T REVEAL ANYTHING. HE HAS REALLY BIZARRE SYMPTOMS. WHAT COULD BE WRONG WITH HIM?
DR SIMMONS VOLUNTEERS SOFTLY "MAYBE HE'S HAVING A BAD TRIP - FROM THE LSD." THE ROOM BECOMES COMPLETELY SILENT FOR A MOMENT.
THE NAUGHTY GOOD FRIEND GENE APPARENTLY TOOK THREE HITS OF LSD, ONE AFTER EACH TIME HE BANGED A CHICK AT THE ORGY. THAT EXPLAINS THE FLASHBACKS. HE GOT CARRIED AWAY AND TOOK MORE DOSES THAN HE SHOULD HAVE, ESPECIALLY GIVEN THAT AFGHANISTANIAN LSD IS SOME VERY STRONG SHIT. HE IS A LIGHTWEIGHT, SO HE SHOULD HAVE TAKEN ONLY HALF A DOSE.
AFTER A FEW SECONDS OF INTENSE REFLECTION, THE LEAD DOCTOR BECOMES ANGRY AS A MOTHER FUCKER. "THIS LOSER JUST WASTED TWO HOURS OF MY TIME. I GOT DOZENS OF PATIENTS CLINGING TO LIFE FROM THE ATTACKS. GET THIS SORRY ASS PIECE OF SHIT THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. NOW!"
THE MARINES AND JOURNALISTS SEE HOW FULL OF RAGE THE LEAD DOCTOR IS AND THEY QUICKLY GRAB THE PITIFUL GOOD FRIEND GENE AND HIGH TAIL IT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL. GOOD FRIEND GENE STARTS TO REVERT BACK TO NORMAL AS THE CONVOY TRAVELS ALONG THE BATTLE WORN COUNTRYSIDE OF AFGHANISTAN.
THE GROUP STOPS TO REST FOR THE NIGHT AND OUR PROTAGONISTS GO LOOKING FOR SOME MORE ACTION. NO NOT COMBAT THAT THEY CAN REPORT ON; ACTION AS IN SOME MORE PUSSY.
WITH GOOD FRIEND GENE'S NOSE FOR FINDING EASY BOOTY, HE AND THE ALWAYS HORNY DR SIMMONS END UP AT ANOTHER ORGY. BUT THIS ONE IS NEAR KANDAHAR, AN AREA STILL CONTROLLED BY THE TALIBAN. THE ORGY IS FOUR FIFTHS WOMEN AND ONE FIFTH LUCKY MEN GETTING SOME TAIL FROM THEM. MOST OF THE WOMEN ARE WIVES OF THE TALIBAN SOLDIERS FIGHTING AGAINST THE AMERICANS AND THE NORTHERN ALLIANCE. OUR HEROES DON'T CARE. THEY JUST WANT SOME ASS.
ONE OF THE LADIES WOULDN'T TAKE OFF HER TALIBAN REQUIRED BURQA DURING THE ORGY. I DIDN'T LET THAT STOP ME. I FUCKED HER WITH HER BURQA ON. IT TOOK ME A LITTLE WHILE TO FIND MY WAY TO HER HOLE. ONCE I FOUND IT, IT WAS ON. I WAS TEARING HER ASS UP. SHE WAS SCREAMING "ALLAH ALLAH". A FEW MINUTES LATER IT GOT SO INTENSE FOR ME THAT I WAS SCREAMING FOR ALLAH. MAN THAT WAS SOME GOOD PUSSY.
THAT ORGY WAS GREAT. I FEEL LIKE BIN LADEN'S BROTHER, BIN LAID. AFGHANISTAN AINT THAT BAD A PLACE TO LIVE, EVEN WITH THE WAR GOING ON.
BUT I KINDA FEEL GUILTY HAVING ALL THIS NAKED DECADENT FUN WHEN A NUDIST RETREAT FOR WITCHES IN AMERICA IS FIGHTING TO STAY OPEN. THE 168 ACRE GAEA RETREAT CENTER NEAR KANSAS CITY HAS LOST ITS PERMIT DUE TO COMPLAINTS AGAINST THE CENTER BY UPTIGHT MORALISTS. THE CAMP GROUND ON THE SITE HAS BEEN USED FOR MEETINGS AND BONFIRES FOR WICCANS AND OTHER PAGAN GROUPS. WHEN I GET BACK TO THE STATES, I'M GONNA SNEAK INTO THAT CAMP BEFORE IT CLOSES AND LOOK AT SOME NAKED FEMALE WITCHES. I MIGHT EVEN TRY TO GET SOME FROM THEM. I NEVER HAD WITCH PUSSY BEFORE. MAYBE I WILL LET ONE OF THEM CAST HER SPELL ON ME.
IN OTHER NEWS OR NON NEWS, THE LOS ANGELES POLICE DEPARTMENT RELEASES POLICE TOY ACTION FIGURES TO THE TOY BUYING PUBLIC. THE LAPPL PRESIDENT WAS QUOTED "THESE ACTION FIGURES ARE NOT ONLY GREAT GIFTS FOR LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICERS AND CHILDREN, BUT THEY ARE A GREAT WAY TO SHOW PRIDE IN THE LAW ENFORCEMENT HEROES THAT ARE PROTECTING OUR NATION RIGHT NOW." OH WAIT! I THOUGHT THESE ACTION FIGURES WERE MODELED AFTER THE LOS ANGELES POLICE DEPARTMENT. THE TOYS BEAT UP RODNEY KING ACTION FIGURES AND FRAME O.J. SIMPSON ACTION FIGURES.
IN RESPONSE TO THE LAPD ACTION FIGURES COMING TO MARKET, PLAYBOY HAS DECIDED TO RELEASE A NEW TOY OF ITS OWN, PLAYBOY DOLLS. I PREDICT THESE PLAYBOY DOLLS WILL GREATLY REDUCE THE INTEREST IN LAPD ACTION FIGURES.
THE DOLLS ARE ABOUT SIXTEEN INCHES TALL. I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY ARE MAKING THEM SO SMALL. SIXTEEN INCHES AINT MUCH TO WORK WITH. YOU COULD BE ON TOP OF IT DOING YOUR BUSINESS AND IT POPS OUT FROM UNDER YOU AND FLIES LIKE A MISSILE TO SOME UNKNOWN DESTINATION AND YOU ARE STUCK FINISHING THE JOB WITH YOUR RIGHT HAND. TO BE FAIR, THE DOLLS PROBABLY ARE A GOOD SUBSTITUTE FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE USED TO FUCKING MIDGETS
LET ME GET BACK TO MY JOB AS A WAR CORRESPONDENT IN AFGHANISTAN. NOTHING FUCKIN HAPPENS IN AFGHANISTAN FOR THE NEXT THREE DAYS SO I WILL SKIP OVER THE BORING DETAILS. BUT THEN, AFTER SEVERAL WEEKS WITHOUT SEX, THE WOMEN JOURNALISTS GET HORNY, TOO HORNY TO PASS UP SOME OPPORTUNISTIC DICK. DR SIMMONS AND GOOD FRIEND GENE HAVE THAT OPPORTUNISTIC DICK AND GET SOME GRADE "A" PUSSY. THE NEXT DAY, THEY SCORE AGAIN WITH THE JOURNALIST BABES, THIS TIME SWITCHING PARTNERS. VARIETY IS THE SPICE OF LIFE.
IN THE NEWS, THE U.S. MILITARY HAS RECOVERED A REVEALING TAPE OF OSAMA BIN LADEN AND A FEW OF HIS FELLOW CULT MEMBERS. IT WAS AN AMATEUR MADE PORNO TAPE SHOWING BIN LADEN AND SEVERAL OTHER AL-QAEDA MEMBERS DOING THE NASTY WITH A COOPERATIVE ONE HUMP CAMEL.
ACTUALLY ON THE TAPE, OSAMA BIN LADEN SMUGLY TAKES CREDIT FOR THE ATTACKS ON THE WORLD TRADE CENTER. HE SCREWED HIMSELF IN THE EVENT THAT HE IS TAKEN ALIVE BY AMERICAN OR NORTHERN ALLIANCE FORCES. NOW IN COURT HE IS NO LONGER ABLE TO PLEA "ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY ONE HUNDRED PERCENT NOT GUILTY" LIKE THE AMERICAN MURDERER, O.J. SIMPSON SUCCESSFULLY DID.
SOMEONE ON THE TAPE SAID THAT THE HIJACKERS WOULD BE AWARDED VIRGINS IN THE AFTERLIFE. THAT SUCKS FOR THEM. THEY ARE STUCK THROUGH ALL OF ETERNITY WITH WOMEN THAT NEVER PUT OUT. LOOKING AT ALL THE INNOCENT LIVES THEY TOOK FOR THEIR SICK FANATICAL CAUSE, I FEEL LIKE THEY DESERVE THEIR FATE.
WE NEED TO GET FOOTAGE OF BIN LADEN TOO. WE GOTTA GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO BIN LADEN TO FILM HIM OURSELVES. I'LL BET WE CAN MAKE A BETTER TAPE THAN THE ONE THAT THE U.S. MILITARY FOUND. OUR SOURCES TELL US THAT BIN LADEN IS IN THE ANCIENT CAVE COMPLEX OF TORA BORA. "ON TO TORA BORA" DR SIMMONS YELLS OUT BOLDLY LIKE HE IS IN CHARGE OR SOMETHING.
CONTINUED NEXT WEEK. COPYRIGHT © 2001 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED