WEAKLY COLLUM # 0109
FOR MONDAY 12/24/2001
COPYRIGHT © 2001 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
WEAKLY COLLUM # 0109
FOR MONDAY 12/24/2001
DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.
THIS IS WEEK THREE OF OUR WAR REPORT FROM THE BATTLEFIELDS OF AFGHANISTAN. ME AND MY BUDDY AND TEMPORARY FELLOW WAR CORRESPONDENT, GOOD FRIEND GENE, HAVE EXPERIENCED A LITTLE BIT OF BATTLE ACTION AND A LOT OF BOOTY ACTION INCLUDING SEVERAL ORGIES IN THE PREVIOUS TWO WEEKS. I LIKE THAT RATIO OF ACTION.
BUT AFGAHANISTAN IS A DANGEROUS PLACE NONETHELESS, ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE A CIVILIAN. A FEW CIVILIANS WERE KILLED WHEN SEVERAL BOMBS FROM THE AMERICAN FORCES WENT ASTRAY. WE ALSO DROPPED FOOD AID ON SEVERAL HOUSES AND KILLED ONE AFGHAN LADY INSIDE ONE OF THE HOUSES. THERE HAS BEEN A LOT OF CRITICISM OF THE AMERICAN MILITARY ATTACKS WHICH HAVE LEAD TO ACCIDENTAL KILLINGS OF AFGHAN CIVILIANS. SOME ARE ARGUING THAT WE AREN'T DOING ENOUGH TO AVOID HITTING INNOCENT CIVILIANS EVEN THOUGH THE NUMBER OF CIVILIAN BEING HURT OR KILLED IS VERY LOW GIVEN THE AMOUNT OF BOMBS THAT AMERICAN PLANES HAVE DROPPED ON TALIBAN AND AL-QAEDA TARGETS IN THE PAST FEW MONTHS. THEIR CRITICISM IS UNFOUNDED. WE SHOULD TELL OUR CRITICS TO JUST FUCK OFF. THIS IS A FRICKEN WAR. WE ARE ACCIDENTALLY KILLING OUR OWN FIGHTERS TOO. THAT'S HOW WAR IS SOMETIMES.
AS WE TRAVEL ALONG THE COUNTRY SIDE AND THROUGH THE SMALL VILLAGES OF AFGHANISTAN LOOKING FOR SOME WAR ACTION TO FILM OR WRITE ABOUT, I NOTICE SOMETHING STRANGE. IT'S ONLY A FEW DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS, BUT I DON'T RECALL SEEING A SINGLE HOUSE DECORATED FOR CHRISTMAS. I GUESS AFGHAN PEEPLE ARE NOT VERY TRADITIONAL. OR MAYBE THEY ARE JUST PREOCCUPIED WITH THE WAR GOING ON IN THEIR HOMELAND.
WHILE WE ARE OVER HERE IN AFGHANISTAN REPORTING ON THE WAR, THERE IS MAJOR VIOLENCE HAPPENING IN OTHER PARTS OF THE WORLD. IN INDIA, SOMEONE'S NEW DELI WAS BLOWN UP ON DECEMBER 13th. NO WAIT! IT LOOKS LIKE MY NEWS QUOTER IS SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT VIOLENCE IN NEW DELHI, INDIA. THESE NEWS TICKERS ARE HARD TO READ SOMETIMES. I'LL SKIP OVER THE STORY UNTIL I CAN FIND OUT MORE ABOUT IT IN THE NEWSPAPER.
ONE STORY THAT I FOUND OUT ABOUT FROM TV IS THE POCKETS OF VIOLENCE HAPPENING AT FOOTBALL GAMES. FOOTBALL IS A SOMEWHAT VIOLENT SPORT BY NATURE, BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT. FOOTBALL FANS AT THE STADIUM IN CLEVELAND LAUNCHED AN ALL OUT ATTACK ON THE REFEREES ON THE FIELD FOR A CALL THAT THEY DIDN'T LIKE. BEER BOTTLES WERE HURLED AT THE REFEREES AS AN ARTFUL DISPLAY OF MATURITY BY THE CLEVELAND BROWN FANS WHEN A PLAY WHICH KEPT THEM IN THE GAME WAS REVERSED BY INSTANT REPLAY.
A DAY LATER, MORE FAN VIOLENCE ERUPTED IN NEW ORLEANS WHEN THE NEW ORLEANS SAINTS GOT THEIR ASSES KICKED BY THE ST LOUIS RAMS. THERE'S MORE VIOLENCE OVER IN AMERICA THAN THERE IS HERE IN AFGHANISTAN. PEEPLE ARE SAFER IN THE BATTLEFILEDS OF AFGHANISTAN THAN THEY ARE AT A PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL GAME IN AMERICA. THAT IS FUCKED UP.
THE CLEVELAND BROWNS FANS WORKED SO HARD TO GET A NEW TEAM WHEN THE ORIGINAL CLEVELAND BROWNS MOVED AWAY TO BALTIMORE. ACTOR COMEDIAN DREW CAREY AND ALL THE OTHER CLEVELAND BROWNS FANS WERE SO HAPPY TO FINALLY HAVE THE CLEVELAND BROWNS BACK EVEN THOUGH THEY AREN'T THE SAME CLEVELAND BROWNS. BUT WITH THE CLEVELAND BROWNS FANS' LACK OF MATURITY AND CIVILITY, THEY DON'T DESERVE TO HAVE A FOOTBALL TEAM. IF THE NEW CLEVELAND BROWNS LEAVE THEM FOR ANOTHER CITY LIKE THE OLD CLEVELAND BROWNS DID, I WON'T FEEL SORRY FOR THEM. THEY WILL DESERVE THEIR FATE.
ON THE LIGHTER SIDE, I WAS WATCHING FOOTBALL LAST WEEKEND (REAL FOOTBALL, NOT SOCCER), AND THE NICE LOOKING REPORTER, SUZIE MOORE WAS TALKING TO PITTSBURGH STEELER RUNNING BACK, JEROME BETTIS, ABOUT HIS INJURY. SHE CAME RIGHT OUT AND ASKED "HOW'S YOUR GROIN?" THAT TRIPPED ME OUT. I WASN'T EXPECTING THE QUESTION TO BE ASKED THAT BLUNTLY ON NETWORK TELEVISION. THAT GOT MY DIRTY MIND EXCITED. I WISH A PRETTY WOMAN INTERVIEWER WOULD ASK ME ABOUT MY GROIN ON NATIONAL TV. I WOULD TELL HER THAT IT IS JUST FINE AND ACHING FOR SOME ACTION. I WOULD GRANT HER A ONE ON ONE INTERVIEW WITH THAT FULLY FUNCTIONING PART OF MY BODY.
I DON'T REMEMBER IF BETTIS HURT HIS GROIN DURING A GAME OR WHETHER HE STRAINED IT DURING A NIGHT OF PASSION WITH SOME BITCH THAT ENDLESSLY SHOUTED "GIVE IT TO ME! HARDER, JEROME HARDER!". MAYBE HE HURT IT AFTER FUCKING THE INTERVIEWER, SUZIE MOORE. SHE PROBABLY ASKED HIM ABOUT HIS INJURED GROIN OUT OF GUILT. IT'S A POSSIBILITY.
IN NON FOOTBALL NEWS, ITALY LANDMARK, THE LEANING TOWER OF PISA, HAS REOPENED AFTER BEING CLOSED FOR ALMOST TWELVE YEARS. THE PERSON WITH THE ONLY KEY QUIT WITHOUT NOTICE SO THE REST OF THE EMPLOYEES WERE LOCKED OUT ALL THIS TIME.
WHILE THE TOWER WAS CLOSED, THEY DECIDED TO TAKE A LITTLE BIT OF THE LEAN OUT SO THAT THE TOWER DOESN'T FALL. OTHERWISE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE FALLEN TOWER OF PISA, AND THAT'S NOT A GOOD NAME FOR MARKETING PURPOSES. IN THE ALMOST TWELVE YEARS THAT THE TOWER WAS CLOSED, THEY REDUCED THE LEAN BY ALMOST SIXTEEN INCHES TO IT'S PRESENT LEAN OF THIRTEEN FEET FIVE INCHES. THAT'S A LITTLE MORE THAN AN INCH A YEAR. DID THESE WORKERS ONLY WORK TWO DAYS OUT OF THE YEAR?
I WONDER WHY THE LEANING TOWER OF PISA WAS EVER BUILT. WHO WOULD WANT TO BUILD A BUILDING THAT COULD TIP OVER? SOME ITALIAN DRUNK MUST HAVE DESIGNED IT. WELL AT LEAST IT WASN'T DESIGNED BY AN IRISH DRUNK. THE WAY THAT THEY DRINK OVER THERE IN IRELAND, THE TOWER WOULD HAVE BEEN BUILT ALREADY ON ITS SIDE.
LET ME GET BACK TO THE WAR NEWS. THAT IS WHY WE ARE HERE IN AFGHANISTAN. I GUESS. WE ARE ON A QUEST TO GET OUR OWN VIDEO TAPE FOOTAGE OF OSAMA BIN LADEN AFTER THE AMERICAN MILITARY RECOVERED A VIDEO OF THE DUMBFUCK AND A FEW OF HIS CRONIES AT A SLUMBER PARTY TALKING SHIT ABOUT THE WORLD TRADE CENTER.
I WOULD LOVE TO BE THERE WHEN THEY CATCH BIN LADEN OR BLOW HIM THE FUCK AWAY. BUT HE MAY BE HARDER TO CATCH THAN MANY OF US HAD PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT. HE MAY NOT BE HIDING IN THE TORA BORA CAVE COMPLEX AS THE AMERICAN MILITARY INTELLIGENCE BELIEVES. SOME TALIBAN AND AL QAEDA PRISONERS TOLD THEIR AMERICAN CAPTORS THAT OSAMA BIN LADEN SHAVED HIS BEARD AND LEFT THE AREA AROUND TORA BORA SEVERAL WEEKS AGO. THERE ARE UNCONFIRMED REPORTS THAT HE ALSO SHAVED HIS PUSSY AFTER HE LET GO THE BEARD.
DARN! I WAS HOPING TO FIND BIN LADEN THIS WEEK. SHIT! I'M SO DISAPPOINTED. OH WELL! WE'LL FIND HIM NEXT WEEK. LET'S GO FIND ANOTHER ORGY. I LOVE HAVING SEX WITH AFGHAN WOMEN.
CONTINUED NEXT WEEK. COPYRIGHT © 2001 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED