WEAKLY COLLUM # 0110

FOR MONDAY 12/31/2001

DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.

THIS IS OUR FOURTH WEEK IN AFGHANISTAN AS WAR CORRESPONDENTS AND THE BATTLE ACTION HAS SUBSIDED DRAMATICALLY. I DON'T KNOW IF WE CAN JUSTIFY STILL BEING HERE, BUT I'D LIKE TO STAY BECAUSE OF ALL THE ORGIES THAT WE ENDED UP AT. AND WE STILL HAVEN'T CAUGHT THAT BIN LADEN GUY YET.

THERE HASN'T BEEN MUCH BOMBING LATELY. EVERYDAY THE AMERICAN PLANES WERE WIPING OUT TALIBAN AND AL QAEDA TARGETS WHOLESALE. NOW TARGETS ARE HARDER TO FIND SINCE WE WIPED MOST OF THEM OUT AND THE NORTHERN ALLIANCE HAS TAKEN CONTROL OF ALMOST EVERY CITY. I MISS THE BOMBINGS THOUGH. I'VE GROWN ADDICTED TO THEM. ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER BUNCH OF AL QAEDA AND TALIBAN FIGHTERS KILLED. WE GOT TO GET BACK TO BOMBING, ANYTHING, JUST BOMB SOMETHING HERE IN AFGHANISTAN.

[FART FART FART] DR SIMMONS IS FARTING LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER - LOUD ONES TOO. "THAT'S A STINK BOMB, MORE DEADLY THAN ANYTHING THE TALIBAN COULD USE ON US." [FART] "THAT LAST ONE WAS ALMOST AS STRONG AS ONE OF THOSE DAISY CUTTER BOMBS."

SOME OF YOU DON'T THINK THAT IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO BE OPENLY FARTING AROUND WOMEN, ESPECIALLY THE BEAUTIFUL JOURNALISTS ACCOMPANYING US. BUT ITS ALL RIGHT. WE ALREADY FUCKED THEM A FEW TIMES. AND ONE OF THEM EVEN FARTED DURING SEX WITH ME.

THE LADY JOURNALIST TELLS DR SIMMONS "DON'T TELL THEM ABOUT ALL THAT, DOC. THAT'S PERSONAL."

WE WERE LUCKY ENOUGH TO GET SOME PUSS PUSS FROM THESE BEAUTIFUL, PROFESSIONAL WOMEN BECAUSE OF OUR SITUATION. THE LADIES PREFERRED SOME SEX ACTION FROM THE MARINES ESCORTING OUR JOURNALISTIC PACK SINCE THE MARINES ARE BETTER LOOKING AND DON'T ACT GOOFY LIKE WE DO. BUT THE MARINES WANT TO BE PROFESSIONAL. THEY FEEL THAT HAVING SEX WITH THE FEMALE JOURNALISTS WOULD INTERFERE WITH THEIR DUTY TO PROTECT US. ALSO SOME OF THEM ARE MARRIED AND HAVE CHILDREN BACK HOME. THOSE KINDS OF CONCERNS NEVER STOP ME AND GOOD FRIEND GENE. WITH THE MARINES NOT GIVING THESE WOMEN SOME DICK, THAT JUST LEAVES ME AND GOOD FRIEND GENE. IT'S EITHER US OR NO ONE.

I WISH THAT I HAD SOME NEWS TO REPORT TO YOU FROM THE BATTLEFIELDS OF AFGHANISTAN SINCE THAT IS WHERE WE ARE, BUT NOT MUCH IS HAPPENING. EVERYTHING NEWSWORTHY IS HAPPENING ELSEWHERE IN THE WORLD.

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES FLIGHT FROM PARIS TO MIAMI A FEW DAYS AGO, A MAN HAD AN UNUSUAL CASE OF FOOT ODOR. HIS SHOE SMELLED LIKE SULFER. THE MAN, PSYCHO TERRORITST MOTHER FUCKER, RICHARD REID FROM BRITAIN, TRIED TO LIGHT HIS SMELLY SHOE ON FIRE TO BLOW UP THE PLANE. THAT WOULD HAVE CLEARED UP HIS FOOT FUNGUS.

I'VE HEARD OF A SHOE BEING USED AS A PHONE IN THE GET SMART TV SHOW, BUT NEVER AS A BOMB. APPARENTLY THIS DUMBFUCK'S SHOE CONTAINED C4 MILITARY GRADE EXPLOSIVES WHICH WERE STRONG ENOUGH TO WIPE OUT THE ENTIRE PLANE. THESE TERRORISTS KEEP DREAMING UP NEW WAYS TO KILL PEEPLE. WHAT INGENIOUS LOSERS!

RICHARD REID IS BEING HELD BY THE AUTHORITIES IN AMERICA. IF HE HAD BEEN HELD MORE WHEN HE WAS A CHILD, HE MIGHT NEVER HAVE PULLED A STUNT SUCH AS THIS.

WHEN I FIRST SAW A PICTURE OF THIS RICHARD REID DUDE, I IMMEDIATELY SAID TO MYSELF THAT THIS IS ONE UGLY MOTHER FUCKER. NO WONDER HE IS MAD ENOUGH TO WANT TO BLOW UP A PLANE. A FEW DAYS LATER HIS PARENTS WERE ON THE NEWS MAKING A STATEMENT TO REPORTERS. I COULD SEE THE FAMILY RESEMBLENCE. THEY ARE UGLY AS SIN TOO. THE FATHER HAS THE SAME UGLY FACE STRUCTURE AS HIS HIDEOUSLY LOOKING SON. THE MOTHER LOOKS LIKE AN OLD WITCH ON CRACK.

I HAVE SOME PIECES OF CHRISTMAS RELATED NEWS. IN SAN PAULO BRAZIL, A MAN IN A SANTA SUIT SHOT A WOMAN AS SHE WAS GOING TO HER CAR. NO WORD ON WHETHER THE WOMAN WAS NAUGHTY OR NICE.

IN GERMANY THERE WAS MORE CHRISTMAS VIOLENCE. SANTA OR SOME DUDE IN A SANTA SUIT, I'M NOT SURE WHICH, APPARENTLY SLAPPED A NINE YEAR OLD KID AND LOCKED HIM IN A BROOM CLOSET AFTER THE CHILD AND A FEW OF HIS FRIENDS HARASSED POOR SANTA BY CONTINUALLY TRYING TO PULL OFF HIS BEARD. THE MAN DOES NOTHING BUT BRING PRESENTS TO MILLIONS OF CHILDREN EACH YEAR AND THIS IS HOW THE KIDS TREAT HIM. IF I WAS THIS SANTA, I PROBABLY WOULD HAVE GRABBED A BASEBALL BAT AND KNEE CAPPED THESE UNDISCIPLINED KIDS.

WITH ALL THIS CHRISTMAS VIOLENCE, I'M GLAD THAT I AM SAFELY AWAY. I AM IN THE BATTLEFIELDS OF AFGHANISTAN WHERE I AM SAFE FROM ANGRY SANTAS AND CHRISTMAS SHOPPERS AND BORING CHRISTMAS MUSIC. A BRITISH MAN DECIDED TO PROTECT HIMSELF FROM CHRISTMAS IN A DIFFERENT WAY. COLIN WOOD SPENT $430 TO RENT A BOMB SHELTER FOR TWO WEEKS TO ISOLATE HIMSELF FROM ALL OF THE CHRISTMAS FRENZY GOING ON.

HE TOOK SPAM, BAKED BEANS, AND WATER INTO HIS CEMENT FORTRESS. HE COULD HAVE EATEN MUCH BETTER IF ONLY HE HAD CONSULTED MARTHA STEWART FOR COOKING TIPS AHEAD OF TIME.

BUT AFTER ABOUT ONE WEEK, HE EXITED HIS CHRISTMAS PROOF SHELTER BECAUSE HE LONGED FOR A PINT OF BEER. BEING A BEER DRINKER MYSELF, I CAN'T BLAME HIM FOR COMING OUT A WEEK EARLY SO THAT HE COULD GET SOME BEER. WHAT I DO BLAME HIM FOR IS NOT THINKING ABOUT THAT AHEAD OF TIME AND STOCKING FOUR OR FIVE CASES OF BEER. WHAT THE HELL ELSE ARE YOU GONNA DO WHEN YOU ARE LOCKED INSIDE A BUNKER ALL ALONE FOR TWO WEEKS? FAILING TO PLAN IS PLANNING TO FAIL.

THIS IS MY LAST WEAKLY COLLUM FOR THE YEAR. I'VE ALREADY STARTED DRINKING FOR NEW YEARS WHICH IS ONLY A FEW DAYS AWAY. BE CAREFUL ON THE ROAD THIS NEW YEARS EVE. THERE ARE A LOT OF WOMAN DRIVERS OUT THERE.

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