WEAKLY COLLUM # 0294

FOR MONDAY 07/11/2005

DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.

IN FUCKIN SPACEY NEWS, NASA DID IT AGAIN. THEY LOST ANOTHER ONE. ANOTHER SPACESHIP IS GONE. HOODA THUNK IT?

A VERY EXPENSIVE NASA PROBE HIT A COMET AT A HIGH RATE OF SPEED AND WAS DESTOYED. YOU KNOW THE HALF LIFE OF A NASA PROBE IS ABOUT EIGHTEEN HOURS. ACTUALLY THAT IS GOOD COMPARED TO THE HALF LIFE OF A SPACE SHUTTLE WHICH IS EIGHT SECONDS.

YOU KNOW IF NASA PROBES AND SPACECRAFT WERE NUCLEAR WEAPONS, WE WOULD HAVE A GREAT ARSENAL TO DEFEND AMERICA. THEY ARE ALWAYS CRASHING INTO SOMETHING. THERE ARE NO NEAR MISSES WITH NASA, JUST DIRECT HITS. ACTUALLY THAT'S NOT FAIR. SOME OF THESE PROBES PROBABLY HAD NEAR MISSES WITH TWO OR THREE PLANETS OR STARS OR ANGELS UP IN HEAVEN BEFORE THEY ULTIMATELY SMASHED INTO SOMETHING.

THESE NEARSIGHTED ASTRONOMICALLY DYSLEXIC MOTHER FUCKERS NEED TO GET THEIR VISION CHECKED. THEY SHOULD HAVE A MAP OF WHERE GALACTIC SHIT IS BEFORE THEY SEND A SPACESHIP OR PROBE UP INTO SPACE. THEY CAN SEE GALAXIES MILLIONS OF LIGHT YEARS AWAY, BUT THEY ARE NOT PREPARED FOR UNKNOWN PLANETS LIKE MARS WHICH POP UP IN THEIR FLIGHT PATHS AND MAKE THEM CRASH. THEIR PROBES ARE EVEN CRASHING INTO STUFF THEY KNOW IS THERE, STUFF THAT THEY WERE SENT UP TO STUDY. THE MARS POLAR LANDER IS A GOOD EXAMPLE - OR IS IT THE MARS POLAR CRASHERS?

ACTUALLY THE NASA PROBE HIT COMET THE REINDEER. HE WAS HELPING PULL SANTA CLAUSE'S SLED AT THE TIME; SO THIS REALLY FUCKED THINGS UP FOR SANTA. THESE NASA NERDS ARE GONNA GET COAL IN THEIR STOCKINGS NEXT CHRISTMAS. HOPEFULLY THEY WON'T GET ANY MORE GOVERNMENT FUNDING WITH OUR TAX MONEY.

MAYBE IT WAS A WOMAN DRIVER FLYING THE PROBE. I KNOW THEY SAY THESE THINGS ARE UNMANNED, BUT THINK ABOUT IT. LOOK AT THE VOCABULARY. UNMANNED MIGHT MEAN THAT THEY USE WOMEN TO FLY THESE CRASH TEST SPACE VEHICLES. SHOCKING ISN'T IT? SOME LADY ASTRONAUT MAY HAVE BEEN PUTTING ON HER EYE SHADOW AND DIDN'T SEE THAT COMET IN FRONT OF HER UNTIL IT WAS AT POINT BLANK RANGE. I'LL BET YA SHE PISSED HER PANTIES GOOD WHEN SHE FINALLY SAW IT.

MAYBE THEY SHOULD GO BACK TO FLYING MONKEYS IN THESE SPACE SHIPS. IT TAKES HUMAN ERROR OUT OF THE EQUATION. OF COURSE NASA CAN STILL FUCK THINGS UP ON THE GROUND. MAYBE THEY WILL FORGET TO DE-ICE THE SPACECRAFT AND IT WILL FUCKIN BLOW UP AGAIN LIKE THE SPACE SHUTTLE CHALLENGER. I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THEY DO THESE SPACE LAUNCHES IN THE WINTER ANYWAY. DO THESE SPACEY NASA PEEPLE GET PAID TIME AND A HALF IF THEY WORK ON A SNOW DAY? OR ARE THESE THE ONLY DAYS THEY CAN GET THEIR BEST PEEPLE OUT OF SCHOOL TO DO THESE MISSIONS? DO THEY GET BONUSES IF THEY CRASH SOMETHING? OK! MAYBE THAT LAST REMARK WAS OUT OF LINE, BUT I THINK THE NASA PERSONNEL DEPARTMENT IS RECRUITING WAY TOO MANY TECHNICIANS FROM THE CAR CRASH TESTING DIVISIONS OF THE BIG THREE AUTO MAKERS.

SOME OF YOU THINK I MAY BE CALLOUS IN TALKING SHIT ABOUT THIS ACCIDENT AND OTHER NASA ACCIDENTS (FUCKUPS) WITH SO MUCH SARCASM. YOU MIGHT BE THINKING THAT SO MUCH GOVERNMENT TAX PAYER MONEY HAS BEEN LOST BY THIS UNFORTUNATE TRAGEDY THAT IT'S NOT FUNNY, NOT AT ALL. I SHOULDN'T BE MAKING JOKES LIKE THIS. WELL I GOT NEWS FOR YOU. YOUR TAX MONEY HAS BEEN WASTED ANYWAY. YOUR TAXES WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN LOWER IF THIS SHIT DIDN'T HAPPEN. NASA WOULD HAVE JUST WASTED IT ON SOME OTHER WORTHLESS PROJECT. THIS SHIT AINT GONNA BENEFIT YOU IN YOUR LIFETIME. IT'S WASTED MONEY REGARDLESS. WE MIGHT AS WELL LAUGH IN NASA'S MISERY BECAUSE THAT IS THE ONLY PLEASURE THAT WE WILL EVER GET FROM THEIR FRUITLESS BUT EXTREMELY EXPENSIVE EFFORTS.

I JUST READ AN UPDATED STORY ON THIS SHIT AND NOW THEY ARE ACTING LIKE THEY TRIED TO DO THIS SHIT INTENTIONALLY. THEY SAY THEY CRASHED THE MOTHER FUCKIN PROBE IN ORDER TO TASTE - I MEAN TEST, THE COMET WHICH THEY CRASHED INTO. YEAH NASA! PLAY IT OFF. THEY ARE JUST TRYING TO MAKE THEMSELVES LOOK GOOD - OR MAKE ME LOOK BAD.

WEAKLY COLLUMS 2005

WEAKLY COLLUM MENU PAGE

DR SIMMONS MAIN PAGE

COPYRIGHT © 2005 DR SIMMONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED