WEAKLY COLLUM # 0302

FOR MONDAY 09/06/2005

DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.

WATCH OUT! THERE'S A FUCKING HURRICANE COMING, A BIG ONE TOO. YOU BETTER EVACUATE THE AREA IF YOU LIVE ANYWHERE NEAR THE GULF OF MEXICO. HURRY! ACTUALLY HURRICANE KATRINA HAS ALREADY COME AND GONE. FORGIVE ME FOR BEING LATE IN WARNING YOU. I AINT A WEATHERMAN. DID YOU THINK I WAS?

THIS MOTHER FUCKER HAS BEEN A LOT WORSE THAN HURRICANES IN THE PAST. NEW ORLEANS IS WIPED OUT. EIGHTY PERCENT OF THE CITY WAS UNDER WATER. THERE MAY BE THOUSANDS DEAD. MANY MORE ARE STILL MISSING. ONE OF MY FRIENDS STILL HASN'T HEARD FROM HIS SON, HIS DAUGHTER, AND SEVERAL OTHER OF HIS RELATIVES. THIS IS LIKE THE AMERICAN MINI VERSION OF THE TSUNAMI WHICH HIT ASIA THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS LAST YEAR.

SOME PEEPLE ARE WORRIED THAT THEY MIGHT NOT HAVE MARDI GRAS NEXT YEAR BECAUSE OF ALL THE DAMAGE. I THINK THEY WILL ALWAYS HAVE PEEPLE THERE. US DRINKERS CAN'T BE DENIED. IN FACT, I THINK NEXT YEAR THEY WILL BE SWAMPED.

ONE MINOR SIDE EFFECT OF THE STORM IS THAT A LOT OF GASOLINE REFINERS IN THE AREA WERE SHUT DOWN. MANY GAS STATIONS ACROSS THE COUNTRY HAVE BEEN RUNNING OUT OF CERTAIN GRADES OF GASOLINE. GETTING GAS IN SOME PLACES IS HARDER THAN GETTING PUSSY AT A MEETING FOR THE NATIONAL ORGANIZATION OF WOMEN.

GASOLINE PRICES ARE SKYROCKETING LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER WHERE THEY ARE STILL SELLING IT. THEY WERE ALREADY GOING UP THROUGHOUT THE YEAR AFTER BEING SO LOW FOR SEVERAL DECADES. NOW THEY HAVE TAKEN OFF INTO ORBIT. YOU CAN NOW GET SOME BOOTY FROM QUALITY HOOKERS FOR LESS THAN IT COSTS TO FILL UP YOUR GAS TANK THESE DAYS. (BY QUALITY, I MEAN THE HOOKERS WHO AINT CRACK ADDICTS.)

PEEPLE ARE SCREAMING OUT ABOUT THE GAS PRICES LIKE IT'S A CONSPIRACY TO KEEP PRICES HIGH. NO ONE CONSPIRED TO MAKE THEM HIGH. WE JUST HAVE MORE PEEPLE IN THE FUCKING WORLD THAN WE EVER HAVE AND THEY ARE USING MORE AND MORE NATURAL RESOURCES, ESPECIALLY CHINA AND INDIA WHERE THEIR ECONOMIES ARE GROWING LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER. WHY AINT THESE PEEPLE COMPLAINING ABOUT THE ABSURD VALUES OF HOUSES IN THIS COUNTRY? I GUESS THEY ARE HIPOCRITES.

IF ALL THE POLITICIANS OF THE COUNTRY CAME OUT AND SAID THAT HIGH GAS PRICES ARE GOOD JUST LIKE THEY SAY FOR HIGH HOUSING PRICES, THEN WE WOULD ALL BELIEVE IT. PEEPLE ARE PAYING HIGH MORTAGES LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER FOR THEIR HOMES AND THEY DON'T SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH IT. THESE SAME PEEPLE WILL COMPLAIN ABOUT HIGH GAS PRICES EVEN THOUGH THEIR HOUSING COSTS FAR EXCEED THEIR AUTOMOBILE FUEL COSTS.

IF THEY COULD BORROW UNLIMITED AMOUNTS OF SPENDING MONEY AGAINST THE GASOLINE THAT THEY BUY LIKE THEY DO WITH THEIR HEAVILY OVERPRICED HOUSES AND DEDUCT THE INTEREST, THEN THEY WOULDN'T BE COMPLAINING ABOUT THE PRICES LIKE THEY ARE NOW. IF SOME STUPID BANK WOULD GIVE THEM LOANS FOR DOUBLE THE AMOUNT OF EXTRA MONEY THAT THEY ARE SPENDING ON GASOLINE EACH MONTH - SAY ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR FIFTY DOLLARS WORTH OF EXTRA GAS EXPENSE, THESE COMPLAINERS WOULD BE HAPPY CAMPERS. THEY COULD BUY ALL KINDS OF SHIT WITH THE EXTRA FIFTY DOLLARS JUST LIKE ALL THESE SMUCKS ARE DOING BY SPENDING EXTRAORDINARY AMOUNTS OF MONEY ON EXPENSIVE HOUSES AND THEN BORROWING AGAINST THE "VALUE" OF THESE OVERVALUED HOUSES THROUGH HOME EQUITY LOANS.

IF ALL YOU HOMEOWNERS COULD NO LONGER DEDUCT THE MORTGAGE INTEREST FROM YOUR TAXES, THEN MAYBE YOU WOULD SEE HOW ABSURD HOUSING PRICES REALLY ARE. RIGHT NOW YOU CAN'T SEE THIS BECAUSE PART OF YOUR HOUSING COSTS IS BEING SUBSIDIZED BY THE REST OF THE TAX PAYERS THROUGH THE MORTGAGE DEDUCTION. THE APARTMENT DWELLERS ARE FOOTING A BIG PART OF THE BILL FOR THE HOMEOWNERS. THAT LEAVES THEM LESS ABLE TO SAVE FOR A HOUSE OF THEIR OWN SOMEDAY. THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE THE AMERICAN DREAM TO ME.

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