WEAKLY COLLUM # 0444

FOR MONDAY 05/26/2008

DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.

DAMN! MY OVEN IS FUCKED UP RIGHT NOW. I WANTED TO COOK SOME PIZZA, BUT THE DAMN THING WON'T COME ON. I HAVE BEEN TURNING ON THE STOVE BURNER AND WAVING THE OVEN DOOR TO GET IT TO CLICK ON. USUALLY IT COMES ON AFTER FIVE OR TEN MINUTES. NOW IT AINT. GUESS IT IS REALLY BROKE NOW.

I DECIDED I WAS GONNA HAVE MY PIZZA OVEN BE DAMNED. NO I AINT MICROWAVING IT THIS TIME. I'VE DONE THAT BEFORE. I WAS IN A LITTLE MORE EXPERIMENTAL MOOD; SO I DECIDED TO FRY THE FUCKER. FRIED PIZZA?

I DIDN'T GET THE RESULTS THAT I HOPED FOR. I HAD BURN MARKS ON THE CRUST. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT PIZZA BURNS SO QUICKLY IN A NON STICK PAN. I EVEN PUT SOME CANOLA OIL IN THE PAN. WHERE IS EMERIL WHEN YOU NEED HIM?

I HAD TO RIP THE BURNT BOTTOM PART OF THE CRUST OFF FROM THE REST OF THE PIZZA. THEN I PUT THE REMAINING PORTION IN THE MICROWAVE SINCE IT DIDN'T COOK. FRYING APPARENTLY DOESN'T COOK THE TOP OF FOOD. WELL I ATE IT. I AM A BACHELOR AND I'VE GOTTEN USED TO EATING SHIT THAT I FUCKED UP IN THE COOKING PROCESS. IT WASN'T TOO TASTY, BUT THE BEERS GOT ME THROUGH IT. VIVA ALCOHOL!

HOW BOUT DEM OIL PRICES? GOING UP. YOU ALL AND EVERY POLITICIAN WERE CRYING FOR LOWER INTEREST RATES. AND YOU GOT THEM. GUESS WHAT! THAT IS EXTREMELY INFLATIONARY. THE PURCHASING POWER OF THE CURRENCY FALLS LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER WHICH CAUSES PRICES OF SHIT TO RISE. BUMMERS FOR YOU!

PRINTING UP MORE DOLLARS THROUGH A LOW INTEREST RATE POLICY WEAKENS THE DOLLAR SO THAT YOU DON'T GAIN ANYTHING, ALTHOUGH IT SEEMS THAT YOU ARE AT FIRST. EVENTUALLY THE VALUE OF THE CURRENCY GOES DOWN AND PRICES GO UP AND REALITY KICKS YOU IN THE ASS. TOO LATE TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT NOW.

WE SENT SO MANY DOLLARS OVERSEAS WITH OUR GIGANTIC TRADE DEFICIT AND OUR HUGE OVERSPENDING WHICH WE WERE DOING FOR DECADES BY BORROWING LIKE MOTHER FUCKERS. BY "WE", I MEAN YOU. YOU BETTER NOT BE DISAGREEING WITH ME IF YOU ARE SITTING AROUND WITH A BUNCH OF SHIT YOU DON'T NEED, A HUGE AMOUNT OF DEBT, AND NO SAVINGS FOR THE FUTURE.

THOSE DOLLARS ARE USED BY THOSE IN OTHER COUNTRIES TO BUY OIL AND OTHER COMMODITIES WHICH ARE PRICED IN DOLLARS. PEEPLE IN OTHER COUNTRIES DON'T HAVE THE SAME SENSE OF WHAT IS CHEAP AND WHAT ISN'T FOR A GALLON OF GAS. THEY ARE JUST COMING INTO MONEY AND THEY WILL PAY THE GOING RATE. THEY HAVE THE DOLLARS. WE FLOODED THE WORLD WITH THEM FROM OUR OVERCONSUMPTION THESE PAST FEW YEAR - OR ACTUALLY MANY MANY YEARS. CHECK YOUR CREDIT CARD STATEMENTS VS YOUR SAVINGS ACCOUNT BALANCES TO VERIFY WHAT I AM SAYING.

WE ARE AN OIL GLUTTONOUS NATION. WE HAVE NASCAR WHERE GOOD OLE BOYS DRIVE AROUND IN CIRCLES BURNING UP FUEL IN CARS ADVERTISING TIDE AND HOME DEPOT. SOME RACES ARE FIVE HUNDRED MILES LONG. MULTIPLY THAT TIMES ABOUT FORTY DRIVERS GOING AT HIGH GAS GUZZLING RATES OF SPEED WITH SOUPED UP ENGINES AND THAT COMES OUT TO; THAT COMES OUT TO. I AM STUCK ON THE MATH HERE. IT COMES OUT TO A LOT OF GASOLINE USED FOR OUR, I MEAN YOUR ENTERTAINMENT.

I'M NOT SAYING THAT WE SHOULDN'T HAVE NASCAR. THERE WOULD BE A LOT OF SAD REDNECKS IN THIS COUNTRY IF WE DIDN'T. THERE IS NOTHING MORE PITIFUL THAN SEEING A BUNCH OF DEJECTED REDNECKS WITH NOTHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO. IT WOULD HAVE US ALL CRYING LIKE SALLY STRUTHERS.

I'M NOT SAYING THAT WE SHOULDN'T BE DRIVING THIRTY OR FORTY MILES ONE WAY TO THE JOB WE LIKE. I'M NOT SAYING THAT WE SHOULDN'T GO RIDING AROUND JUST FOR THE FUN OF IT. I BELIEVE IN FREEDOM. I BELIEVE IN USING WHATEVER RESOURCES WE HAVE TO MAKE OUR LIVES MORE ENJOYABLE. I'M JUST SAYING THAT IF WE AS A NATION ARE GONNA PARTAKE IN THESE TYPE OF OIL CONSUMING ACTIVITIES, IF WE ARE GONNA LIVE THAT TYPE OF OIL INTENSIVE LIFESTYLE, THEN WE SHOULDN'T BE WHINING ABOUT THE PRICE OF OIL GOING UP AND UP. WE SHOULDN'T BE COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW WE IMPORT SO MUCH OIL FROM THE STUPID MIDDLE EAST, ESPECIALLY WHEN THE REST OF THE WORLD IS STARTING TO REALIZE HOW GOOD WE HAVE IT HERE AND ARE BUYING UP CARS LEFT AND RIGHT IN ORDER TO LIVE MORE LIKE US.

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