WEAKLY COLLUM # 0514

FOR MONDAY 09/28/2009

DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.

I WAS JUST AT THE CONVENIENCE STORE WHERE I LUGGED FOUR TWELVE PACKS OF ICE BEERS AND A BAG OF MALT LIQUOR 24 oz IN ONE CARRY TO MY CAR. AS I'M GETTING IN, SOME DUDE DRIVES PAST AND YELLS OUT "ALL YOU NEED IS JESUS". HE DROVE OFF BEFORE MY ATHEIST ASS COULD RESPOND. I WANTED TO CORRECT HIM ON THAT STATEMENT. JESUS CAN'T HELP ME. JESUS TURNS WATER INTO WINE, BUT I WANTED BEER.

DO YOU KNOW WHY I AM STOCKING UP ON BEER? BECAUSE I AM AN ALCOHOLIC? BESIDES THAT. I AM GETTING PREPARED BECAUSE THE END OF THE WORLD IS HERE. WE'RE ALL DOOMED. THIS IS THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT. I THINK IT IS ANYWAY.

IRAN JUST CAME OUT PUBLICLY WITH NEWS THAT THEY HAVE A SECRET NUCLEAR FACILITY. THIS INFORMATION WAS ALREADY KNOWN FOR SEVERAL YEARS BY OUR INTELLIGENCE AGENCIES EVEN THOUGH THEY AREN'T VERY INTELLIGENT. THIS IS IN CONTRAST TO THEM FINDING OUT ABOUT THE PLANS FOR THE SEPTEMBER 11th ATTACKS ON SEPTEMBER 12th. THEY ARE MAKING IMPROVEMENTS ALBEIT SLOWLY.

THE WHOLE MIDDLE EAST IS A DANGER ZONE FOR A NUCLEAR ATTACK. THESE MOTHER FUCKERS ARE CRAZY. THEY WILL KILL WITHOUT REGARD FOR THEIR OWN LIVES OR THE LIVES OF THEIR FAMILIES. I THINK WE NEED TO BE PREEMPTIVE AND DROP SOME NUCLEAR BOMBS THROUGHOUT THE REGION. IF RUSSIA OR THE REST OF THE WROLD COMPLAINS, WE CAN TELL THEM THAT WE ARE UNILATERALLY REDUCING OUR STOCKPILE OF THOSE DANGEROUS WEAPONS.

ALSO THE ECONOMY IS ABOUT TO GO TO SHIT IN THE NEXT YEAR OR TWO. YOU THOUGHT IT HAD ALREADY. THAT WAS ONLY STAGE ONE CAUSED BY A MASSVIE DEBT COLLAPSE WHICH FOLLOWED A TREMENDOUS SEVEN DECADE DEBT EXPANSION WHICH GAVE THE ILLUSION OF PROSPERITY THROUGH OUT THE WORLD ECONOMIES AND DROVE ASSET PRICES (STOCKS, REAL ESTATE) TO ARTIFICIAL, UNSUSTAINABLE HEIGHTS. YOU ALL HAVE BEEN CONDITIONED LIKE LITTLE CAGED ANIMALS TO BELIEVE THIS SHIT WOULD GO ON FOREVER. TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN GOVERMENT SPENDING TRHOUGH THEIR OVERBORROWING IS TRYING TO FILL IN THE HOLES, BUT THAT MONEY WILL RUN OUT SOON AND THE PRIVATE ECONOMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY MONEY LEFT OF ITS OWN.

THEN WE GOT SOCIALIZED MEDICINE ON THE WAY WHERE THEY ARE GONNA FORCE A GREAT HEALTH CARE PLAN ON US. PRESIDENT OBAMA HAS GOT A HUGE SOCIALISTIC BONER FOR THIS SHIT. IT TELLS ME THINGS AINT GONNA BE GOOD WHEN THEY HAVE TO FORCE SHIT ON US. WE WILL BE REQUIRED TO BUY HEALTH INSURANCE (COERCED). BUSINESSES WILL BE FORCED TO PROVIDE A HEATH PLAN FOR THEIR WORKERS WHETHER IT MAKES ECONOMIC SENSE FOR THEIR BUSINESS OR NOT. HIGHER TAXES WILL BE INVOLUNTARILY PLACED ON THE MOST SUCCESSFUL IN THIS COUNTRY TO PAY FOR THIS MESS.

FINALLY WE GOT THE SWINE FLU PANDEMIC STARTING TO SPREAD MORE AND MORE. THE SWINE FLU OR H1N1 FUCKIN FLU VIRUS KEEPS ON KILLING OR INFECTING MORE AND MORE PEEPLE. WHEN IT COMBINES WITH ANOTHER MORE POTENT VIRUS, IT WILL START WIPING PEEPLE OUT LIKE MOTHER FUCKERS. H1N1? IS THAT THE ADDRESS OF A CELL IN AN EXCEL SPREADSHEET OR DID YOU JUST SINK MY BATTLESHIP? WE'LL SEE HOW SOCIALIZED MEDICINE CAN HANDLE THE SWINE FLU PANDEMIC.

I'M GONNA HAVE AN END OF THE WORLD WAKE TO CELEBRATE OUR SOON TO BE FORMER WORLD. THERE WILL BE BEERS AND MARGARITAS AND ALL KINDS OF FUN STUFF. I AINT INVITING ANYONE BECAUSE I AM A MISANTHROP AND I HATE BEING BOTHERED BY PEEPLE.

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