WEAKLY COLLUM # 0515

FOR MONDAY 10/05/2009

DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS A WEB COLUMN OF AN ADULT NATURE. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DR SIMMONS WEAKLY COLLUM IS THE PROPERTY OF DR SIMMONS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ANY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF HIS WEAKLY COLLUM IS PROHIBITED.

SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? THE PLACE IS SHAKING. MY HOTEL ROOM IS SHAKING LIKE A BREAK DANCER HAVING A SEIZURE. MY CALL GIRL IS BURIED UNDER THE DRESSER. I'M GONNA HAVE TO MOVE IT OFF HER OR I AINT GETTING ANY PUSSY TONIGHT.

HER ARM IS STICKING OUT AND SHE IS CONSCIOUS. IF I CAN'T GET HER OUT, I WILL SEE IF I COULD GET HER TO GIVE ME A HANDJOB OR SOMETHING. I THINK I'M JUST GONNA SMOKE SOME WEED. I GOT TWENTY POUNDS OF THAT SHIT. I BUY IN BULK BECAUSE I AM FRUGAL. YOU GOTTA WATCH EVERY PENNY IN THESE TOUGH TIMES.

I HEARD THAT THERE WAS ANOTHER EARTHQUAKE IN INDONESIA AND ONE IN SAMOA, BUT I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THEM RIGHT NOW. LET THE REGULAR NEWS SERVICES COVER THEM. I'M IN CALIFORNIA NOW. IF IT AINT AFFECTING ME, THEN I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT IT.

THE CALL GIRL IS ABLE TO PUSH THE DRESSER OFF BY HERSELF. "GREAT! NOW YOU CAN GET BACK TO WORK." OUR PROTAGONIST SAYS BOLDLY.

MY CALL GIRL WAS TELLING ME HOW HER BOSS'S COMPANY, HEAVENLY HORHOUSE, WAS FUNDED BY SOME GOVERNMENT UNDER THE TABLE ORGANIZATION CALLED ACORN. THEY PROVIDE FUNDING FOR ALL KINDS OF BUSINESSES, EVEN ILLEGAL ONES. SHE SUGGESTED THAT I COULD GET SOME FUNDING TO START UP A MARIJUANA BUSINESS IN THE AREA. I PASSED IT OFF AND HOPPED ON TOP OF HER TO DO MY BUSINESS. TWO MINUTES LATER, WHEN I WAS DONE, I THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT SHE HAD SAID AND I DECIDED I COULD DO A LITTLE BUSINESS VENTURE WHILE I'M OUT HERE IN CALIFORNIA.

I NAVIGATED AROUND ALL THE BUSTED BUILDINGS AND DEAD BODIES IN THE STREET AND MADE MY WAY TO THE LOCAL ACORN OFFICE AND PRESENTED MY BUSINESS PLAN. "I WANNA SELL SOME WEED WHILE I AM OUT HERE IN CALIFORNIA. I GOT TWENTY POUNDS OF IT AND I PLAN ON SMOKING HALF OF IT IN THE NEXT FEW WEEKS. I GOT IT CHEAP SO I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE SOME PROFIT ON IT."

"HONEY! YOU CAN'T PRESENT IT THAT WAY. YOU'LL GET ARRESTED. YOU GOT TO BE MORE SUBTLE, MORE CLEVER. TELL THEM THAT YOU ARE TRYING TO SPREAD MEDICINAL MARIJUANA TO THE SUFFERING AND INJURED MASSES. THIS IS CALIFORNIA. THEY'LL BUY THAT ONE."

"GREAT IDEA! WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF IT?"

"WE AT ACORN ARE TRAINDED PROFESSIONALS. WE DO THIS ALL THE TIME."

"I DON'T KNOW ANYONE WHO SMOKES OUT HERE. I WILL HAVE TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET SOME CUSTOMERS."

"DON'T SAY ANYTHING RIGHT NOW. THAT'S THE MAIN BOSS, BERTHA LEWIS, WALKING BY. SHE'D BE OUTRAGED BY OUR BEHAVIOR IF SHE KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON. SHE PROBABLY WILL NEVER FIGURE IT OUT ON HER OWN BECAUSE SHE AINT THAT BRIGHT. WE'VE BEEN DOING ALL KINDS OF SHIT FOR YEARS AND YEARS."

AFTER A HALF HOUR, I HAD A LIST OF BUYERS FROM HER AND TIPS FOR RUNNING MY BUSINESS EFFECTIVELY. "THANKS FOR ALL YOUR HELP. I AM SO GRATEFUL." OUR HERO SLIPS HER A QUARTER OUNCE TO SHOW HIS APPRECIATION. HE GRABS HIS ICE BEER AND GULPS IT DOWN WHILE WALKING AWAY.

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