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March 28, 2001
i've played rollercoaster tycoon for 5 hours straight.
it is now 6 am.
god help me.
posted at 5:47 AM
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March 27, 2001
Good fucking lord.. I am so pissed off.
I wrote this big long entry about the food network and some other really fun and interesting things and OF COURSE my goddamned computer froze up on me. Bastards!!
and of course i won't be anywhere near as cool as i was in that last entry. It was fate intervening so you guys don't think i'm as cool as i really am.
Suck.
Anyway, I mentioned something about not watching the food channel when you are really hungry. Do not do this.
Especially if you don't have any food in the house. Its okay to watch something when you don't like what they're cooking....like earlier, Bobby Flay was making big tuna steaks. I hate fish. Yes, so i have eaten tuna fish sandwiches for the past couple of days ...but that was out of necessity. I have nothing else in the house. Tuna fish...ramen...mac & cheese ...peanut butter or mayonaise.
Mmm! That sounds so good doesn't it?!
But if you watch something like oh say, martha stewart who makes great food...your stomach will wind up hating you. And it will make you eat seasoning salt straight out of the jar. This will eventually result in ulcers. This is not a good thing. You will eventually resort to making a conglomoration of ramen noodles with mayo and bannananas and seasoning. And you will think this is a great idea. You will eat this mess and you will get sick. I guarantee you will not be happy. WHy put yourself through this torture. Just avoid the mess and watch discovery health channel.
They do things like brain surgery and talk about bulemia.
This won't make you hungry. If anything you'll get sleepy and forget you are hungry.
So anyway...that's what i'm watching right now. Brain surgery. This little girl's brain was pressing so hard on the inside of her skull that it made an imprint on the bone. That's pretty bad.
The reason i'm watching this is because the doctors are going to remove a 250 pound tumor from this persons body. It weighs more than she does. DAMN! That's one hell of a tumor!! How do you live with a tumor that's 250 pounds? Its wrapped around her waist like a horse-shoe. Hungry? ME? nope!
I've also been really taken with this girl named Cindy in the morrissey-solo guestbook. Apparently she thinks she's in a relationship with Morrissey. When I first started reading this guestbook, I thought that Cindy HAD to be schizophrenic. She talks to morrissey like he's there, answering her questions. She thinks that the songs were written for her, about her. Its gotten pretty interesting, the more I read about it. She leaves these notes to Moz like :
I'm not doing very well, and I'm afraid that if I continue down this yellow brick road with you, I could end up much worse. You won't explain yourself. What am I supposed to think?
Love,
Cindy
SO this is the story to date, from what I understand. She and morrissey had a relationship at one point but have since broken up. She wants to repair what they've had but apparently he wants someone 'more sexy' than she is willing to be. He's unwilling to give her the love that she feels she deserves yet she's so "in love" with him that she's willing to make certian sacrifices to make their relationship work. She gets confused why he professes his love to her and then pulls away. Apparently she's 'had enough' but keeps coming back.
Also, sometime during the 'break up' she wound up sleeping with some of Morrissey's friends in order to get closer to him. This didn't make moz very happy at all. This has been a major point of contention between them, i guess. In addition to this, there was some other fellow she slept with, who she claims that she was "lured into sleeping with" by this boy named Scott. I 'm not clear if morrissey had something to do with this or not but it makes her really upset. For some reason i get the feeling she was not a willing participant in this, but that's just my guess. Anyway, I guess Scott is friends with Moz and he and Moz get a big kick out of the fact she slept with this guy.
So now, she's mad because apparently she's just found out that Morrissey has written songs for other girls who are more sexy, more "something that she isn't". She says that she won't change yet she keeps begging him to reconsider their love and try to make things work. She claims she won't be taken advantage of, yet she keeps coming back for more.
Its great drama.
Now i know that this cindy person probably isn't a) a girl b) crazy or c) even imagining things. This person "cindy" is probably just writing to get a kick out of writing and i say more power to them. People are leaving all of these mean, nasty comments to her in the guestbook telling her to get some help or even to go to hell or whatever. They just don't see the pure drama value in this whole thing. Its our own soap opera.
People will spend 20 dollars for a book like "bridget jones diary' which is essentially the same thing...but when its free they run from it.
I think its great. I'm thinking of saving all the comments she leaves and combining them into one big story.
I need a more gentle and sensitive beau. If you don't think much of me now when I'm sick, do you really think your attitude would change now that I'm becoming healthy again? I could become the most beautiful woman that ever walked the earth. Is there anything I could possibly change that would make you be more sensitive and caring toward me?
I think most men, out of respect and love for their lover, act one way with their buddies, but treat their love in a better way. They want to make their love happy, just as their love wants to make them happy. You would make me happy if you showed your love for me by learning to be more kind, gentle and loving when we're communicating and together.
It's like you are at war. Whever I come here, you are all about trying to manipulate and control me instead of relaxing and trying to give me your love that I need very desperately.
Love,
Cindy
You can't get any better than this!
Brief sidetrack:
They're removing the tumor from the woman right now. They're going to remove the whole thing in one piece! Can you imagine!!
"basically her tumor was just rotting flesh"
EW! I can't stop watching!
Ok, so now the doctor is taking a break after 14 straight hours of surgery. can you imagine how bad your neck would hurt, staring down at something for 14 hours
So, she's taken 6 times the amount of blood that's found in a normal person.
And you know what...i'm not really all that hungry any more.
Fast forward one week...the girl with the tumor is doing okay. THe tumor was benign...however now she has no skin covering 40 percent of her body.
AGH! THey're going to put 'cadaver skin' over her exposed area.
"the strips of skin are flatted and punched with holes so that they will merge with the tissue."
This is so gross and yet I can't stop watching.
But now its done, its 10 after 4 in the morning and i should have been in bed about 5 hours ago.
Angel Heart is on.
Mickey Rourke is the russell crowe of the 80s.
They have the same face, the same intensity...
Its too bad Mickey Rourke went nuts and tore his face up boxing. He doesn't even look the same. He's disgusting now.
I'm serious. Go rent angel heart, barfly, body heat, 9 1/2 weeks, johnny handsome, harley davidson and the marlboro man...
there's tons more, i just can't remember them now.
Go. Scoot.
You'll see what I mean.
posted at 3:05 AM
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March 23, 2001
I posted this list on morrissey-solo.com ...in reference to our top ten favourite songs.
This is my list:
1. Morrissey - "Trouble Loves Me"
2. Smiths - "There is a light that never goes out"
3. Ash - "Goldfinger"
4. Belle and Sebastian - "Dog on Wheels"
5. Freedy Johnston - "Bad Reputation"
6. Gene - "Fighting Fit"
7. Tear Garden - "Hopeful"
8. White Stripes - "You're pretty good lookin.."
9. Midtown - "No place feels like home"
10. Descendents - "Cameage"
runners up:
ALL - "Wonder"
Gene - "olympian"
Radiohead - "Fake plastic Trees"
Misfits - "Lost in Space"
Weezer - any song.
It makes me laugh to think of the history behind each and every one of these songs. I wish sometimes I could just listen to a song and not have it be attached to some memory of days past. I suppose that's not necessarily a bad thing, I mean there could be worse things to worry about I suppose. But these are the songs i've listened to almost every day for a year. I will never get bored of them. I also suspect that one day, who knows when, the memories and the feelings that cling to these songs won't be as prominent and i will be able to enjoy the songs fully for what they are. But as it stands now, I still think...and I still remember...and It sort of pisses me off.
Part of me wants these memories to go away. I want to pretend that they've never exsisted and the entire last year of my life will be erased from my memory. Yet at the same time, I never ever want to forget. I want to take these memories and wrap them up in a pretty ribbon and keep them tucked away, never to be harmed or touched, and i can go back at any time and replay the events like they were yesterday. Its sort of comforting in a way.
Come to think of it, these songs are all pretty melancholy...except for the white stripes song. and the misfits song.
I find it really hard to narrow all my favourite songs down to a list of ten.
I mean, I could listen to the descendents all day..i love them. They're not sad by any means.
So anyway,
Tonight I'm going to a 'movie party' at my friend Z's house. It should be fun. This group of friends I have are the coolest group of people ever. We all just like eachother and eachothers company. Its really comforting. When i feel sad and lonely i think about my friends and i realize how lucky i am to have people who don't give a shit about my faults. They just love me. That's cool. I have no idea what a movie party is ...or what we're going to be doing. Probably sitting around at Z's house, watching some dvd on his amazing system. Someone's girlfriend will no doubtedly wind up getting really drunk, try to bum cigarettes off of me and make her girlfriend mad. (Is No Doubtedly a word?) Someone else will get bored and leave early, I will sit and just smile.
I will write down quotes that people say when they're drunk so I can remind them how silly they were.
One quote from the last party : "I am NOT the fly! Don't call me the FLY!!!!!!"
I have no idea why i called this person the fly, but it was pretty damn funny. He got really mad about it, so I wrote it down. I think i'm going to try to bring my camera to capture the moments of tonight. I need to start taking more pictures.
Speaking of pictures, someone has pictures of me in california. I feel really uncomfortable about this. Granted I gave them the pictures, however, now that we're not talking any more all I keep thinking of is that this person (Who shall henceforth be referred to as "person x") is going to manipulate the pictures and do something horrible to them. (how do you spell "whore-end-us" I am too lazy to go to dictionary.com) I keep having flashbacks of junior high when a friend of mine took pictures of me from a slumber party and posted them around the school with these awful captions. It was just the worst feeling in the world. I would hope that this person-x wouldn't do this, but one never knows.
I think movies should be made like the old 60s style. Sets should be spartan and have the cheese factor of early star trek. Right now, kirk is sitting in a room that's painted orange and blue...and there's a long table, one round table and a cardboard looking dentists chair with some reflector paper pasted on the side.
The epsidoe is called "whom gods destroy"
Its pretty interesting.
I love star trek.
So, Captian Garth has gone crazy. He's taken over the institute for the criminally insane and declared himself "master of the universe". One of his fellow inmates, Marta, (an "alien" painted green with heavy eye makeup) tries to seduce kirk...gets halfway to home and then tries to kill him. Why kirk would try to get with an insane alien, one could only guess. He just is a captian with raging hormones. He's gotta mack on anything with boobs. At any rate, I digress...
These sets are incredible.  This picture is of the Governor of the planet that houses the Institute for the Criminally Insane. He's being tortured by Garth so that Kirk will beam him aboard the Enterprise. Just look at the costumes! Look at that chair! Its amazing. I think more movies should revert back to this style. Less focus on the images and more focus on the story. I wonder what would happen if a movie were to be released with this style. Would it bomb? Most likely, but the chances of it reaching cult status would be pretty good, depending on the story.
Oh well....
posted at 5:31 PM
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somebody in austin reads this page!
well i'll be shucky darned.
hello person from austin who also likes morrissey....you and i should talk one day.
posted at 2:18 AM
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March 22, 2001
Oh my god, what a piece of ass!
Kurt Harland, what I wouldn't do for an hour with you....
posted at 2:22 PM
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March 21, 2001
i am nothing.
i am a useless speck.
i sit here and smoke and seethe away...and for what?
nothing.
i am sick.
posted at 2:31 AM
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March 13, 2001
So you're in Santa Monica. Hm. Home of Everclear. Home of fake plastic trees and tits. Its been 5 months now. You still won't talk to me.
I'm trying to find out what the big fucking deal is. Why you're avoiding me so bad....what did I do that was so wrong?
The least you could do is just say "go away"
But until I hear you say that, I'll just keep pestering away.
I just don't know what to say right now.
posted at 11:55 PM
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I'm watching this show on "more max" (a digital cable version of cinemax but with MORE flavor). Its about these cops in Vancouver who are filming the drug addicted homeless population around town. These cops actually get to know the history of some of these homeless people, know their past, know that there are some people out there with serious problems who need some fucking help. They actually take the time to walk around and take care of these people.
On christmas, they deliver presents to some.
One guy, his family is still around and kicking...living the good life in a warm house and food on the table. The officers found this out, went and contacted his family and brought them down to see their brother. What a shame on those families who just forget their loved ones, letting them go out in the street and letting them rot away.
I know that sometimes its easier to just let a drugged up person go, let them deal with their problems. There is only so much help you can give a person without letting them drag you down into their world. But you can't know that they're out there dying...freezing...
The thing that I like best about this show is that the cops are actually treating these people like fucking people NOT like they're some problem that needs to be ignored. These cops are getting to know these drunks, these drug addicts as more than just curled up people on the street begging.
They're actually taking the time to do something...
that's more than I can say for the shitheads that run this country, that's for sure.
oh well.
posted at 11:27 PM
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March 12, 2001
songs for you
Gasping - dying - but somehow still alive
This is the final stand of all I am
Please keep me in mind
And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
You just haven't earned it yet, baby
In my life
Oh, why do I give valuable time
To people who don't care if I live or die ?
But I can't believe that you'd ever care
And this is why you will never care
Vivid and in your prime
You will leave me behind
I wear Black on the outside
'Cause Black is how I feel on the inside
I know it's over
And it never really began
But in my heart it was so real
So change your life
There is so much I know
That you can do
Come and see ...
posted at 8:51 PM
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Make note of it: the link in yesterdays post is changed.
It was not correct but now it is.
Go look. Who sent it to me?!
posted at 1:51 PM
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March 10, 2001
I'd like to know....
who sent this ?
Please let me know.
Thank you drive through
posted at 12:52 PM
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March 09, 2001
This is what I'm all about, yo.
Benicio "sexypants" del toro.
He just oozes awesomeness. And he just wants me to kiss him. MWAH, baby yeah.
posted at 2:13 AM
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March 06, 2001
Why is it that I'm mostly moody at night....
damnit
posted at 11:14 PM
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March 05, 2001
I think this may wind up being a long post, so if you're in the mood read on...if not, then shove off.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I mean when you get "fired" from a job, you have a lot of free time to sit around and think. Yes, I know, I wasn't really FIRED...I was more "allowed not to report to work but still get some nice rewards" but it felt like I was fired. Anyway, I've been thinking about what I was, what I am, what I am to become.
So lets start at the begining:What was I?
Lets start at 18 because before that, its just highschool bullshit and that's something that can just be avoided. its all trivial when it comes down to it anyway. So 18...there I was. My highschool boyfriend had just dumped me at his new love interests birthday party. Cold. I started to pay more attention to myself than to someone else. I was hardcore. I had seen all the underground movies, I had written serial killers, I listened to Einsturzende Neubauten all day. I dyed my hair every color in the book. (aside from green. Green makes your head look like one giant mold fungus growing wildly out of control) I kicked ass in school. Then, I got admitted to a better college and went away to school.
I found out a lot about myself. How much I would take and how much I would give. I used to go to clubs nearly every night, mostly with my gay fraternity brothers (Props out to delta lambda phi, yo) and I still managed to do well in school. I also used to drive home every weekend. I liked my parents house. I think I liked it more, though, knowing that it was still my house but I didn't have to stay there. I could go back to my dorm any time I wanted. All of my friends up at school were in the honors program so we all were pretty much untypical college students. I mean, around 11pm during the week our dorm was pretty much silent. We actually went to bed and heaven to god, we actually studied on weekends sometimes! It was cool. What can I say, I'm a geek.
So my best male friend Jason lived downstairs from me and I spent all of my free time with him. I'm serious when I say "all". No exaggeration. We studied together, we went to lunch and dinner together every day, we watched tv together, we listened to music together, he would do his homework in his room while i played on his computer. There was not a time there, for months, when I was without Jambooda or vice versa. It was awesome. He made me laugh like no fucking other. And most of it was about stupid shit, stupid silly shit that isn't funny to anyone else but you and the person who made the funny. We once stayed up for 36 hours just to see how we would react without sleep. Near the end of that 36 hours we watched Ren and Stimpy for a long ass time. We laughed until we cried and then promptly passed out. I haven't laughed that hard since. (well, maybe a few times...)
I met a few people, I got my heart broken several times, died my hair a few more colors and just had a fucking blast. I started smoking.
I got depressed for a while and my roommate had to physically drag me out of bed so I would make it to our morning class. I swear, if it wasn't for her, I would have failed a dozen classes.
I learned about real "adult grownup" friendships. About loving your friends unconditionally and being there for them no matter what the cost. I learned how to fucking relax and take it easy. I learned how to appreciate the small stuff, like how good it is to take naps and how comfortable a desk can be in a 3 hour lecture on chemistry. I learned that smoking makes you look cool. I learned that not all sorority girls are whores. (but the majority of them can be.) I learned how much fun it can be to sit around in a room with nothing but twinkling christmas lights, the glow from the tv and some friends, watching a movie.
I also learned what it meant to be broke. I'm talkin broke ass broke. Sell all of your cds just so you can get gas money broke.
So then i grew up. I got out of school, I moved on. Most of my friends moved away. I lost touch with a lot of them. 90% of them. I then learned what real friendships are. The ones who stick around you because they need you and you need them. I stopped watching the underground films. I don't know why. Mostly because it didn't hold my interest any more. I was more interested in modern films, the theory behind them. Some people say I sold out. Maybe I did. What's that mean, though? Anyway, so I sold out, in that respect. I actually started to broaden my interests though. I started going to the goth clubs more, I got more depressed as I had to deal with more adult problems. I switched my cigarette brand from Benson and Hedges deluxe ultra light menthol (say that ten times fast) to the more studly Camel Lights. I started to travel more. I got my first real job out of college as a producer. I was kicking ass. I felt good because not many people that I graduated with could say that they got a job in their major right out of school. Let alone all of the people I graduated with. I mean, Michigan isn't exactly a hotbed for people with a film degree lemme tell ya. So I met my mentor and he taught me everything that they didn't teach me in college. That's a lot of shit. He was great. He's like my second father. I am so thankful for meeting him because without him I'd be less of a person. Anyway, I was doing great at this job, then promptly got "laid off" a year later. (this ties into the now, so pay attention). They didn't like the way that I was. They didn't like my hair color (still changing but less drastic), the way I dress (a glorified grungy, skater, big clothes all black type thing), the way I talked, the way i was. They just didn't like me. So I plunged into the downward spiral. I got depressed.More depressed than I ever had been. What exactly was wrong with me? I started to pick apart my faults and began to focus on every single one of them. I wasn't enough of this, I was too much of that, I needed to do more of this, I had to stop doing that...etc etc. Eventually I started to pick myself up, dust myself off, and started all over again.
New years came for the so called milennium came and went (you know, I can't even actually remember what I did then...and no its not because I was drunk, either) and I met some more people who would come into my life and change it profoundly. I won't go into the details but I can safely say that I will never ever ever ever never forget them. They showed me that I was actually pretty cool, that I knew a lot about some pretty cool stuff, that my taste in music was pretty damn good, that I had a sense of humour...that I wasn't as shitty as I thought myself to be. I had just gotten to the point where I thought everything could be fine, that I was a neat gal...and that all changed too.
so now we're at the now. Are you still with me? Good, lets move on.
Now. Now. now. Now where do I start with the now? I'm not exactly back at square one with my depression but I'm not exactly happy either. I had just gotten a job (after trying nearly a year to get another producers position) as a producer working for a really great company. I met more people who are certianly going to be my friends for life. It was good. Then this great company got bought out. By whom? By the company I had gotten fired from 2 years prior. Oh funny how that works isn't it?
And of course you know how that ended. FIRED AGAIN. but this time, the good company had the foresite to write a clause to take care of its people saying if bad company comes in and starts firing, they have to provide us with a very nice severance package. Thanks Good Company!! So its not all bad. I have severance. I have some free time to think about things. I have a possible job lead. I'm still smoking camel lights. I'm not going to the goth club as often as I used to. I sleep a lot. I don't watch a lot of movies any more. Before I leave the house, I've taken to saying "I will sell this house today. I will sell this house today" (ala American Beauty) Granted, she doesn't sell the house, but it doesn't keep her from trying. I still want to teach one day. The now...this is it. I find myself thinking about the past a lot lately...about where I was, what i've become. I still dye my hair unnatural shades of red. I still love Einsturzende Neubauten. I still like those underground movies, I jsut don't go out of my way to find them any more. I still love gay bar music. I still love ren and stimpy (and cow and chicken and sponge bob square pants). I still love hanging out with my friends watching movies. Do I get to do it as often, hell no. That doesn't mean I don't appreciate it. I'm a lot harder on myself than I ever used to be. I get down on myself a lot which is funny because its sort of like I'm going through a late puberty. I don't want to be a writer anymore. I just don't think I have the skill or the discipline, though I still like to write my own stuff. I just won't every seriously try to publish any of it. What I'm saying here is maybe I'm not all that different than I used to be but merely my approach is different.
I still wear a thousand bracelets, I still wear pigtails and I still wear those big assed black clothes. So why should I feel so bad? I don't know. Sometimes I do. Sometimes its hard to remember these things when I don't have it written down in front of me.
There's a lot of things I would have done differently could I go back and change them.
Would I? Would I still be the same person I am now? How would I be different?
Those aren't questions I think I can answer...and I don't think I should try to answer. I think maybe I would start putting more unreasonable expectations on myself and that would send me into that weird downward spiral again. And its not even a spiral. Its more like a spiral with sharp pointing turns that poke me. Instead of a circular spiral its more triangular in shape.
Anyway, the now. This is what I am. Depressed, but not. Broke again but getting by, barely. Content but yearning for more.
I'm in transition I think.
Which leads me to the future...
where will I go? Where do I want to be?
I don't know. I know I need to change the way I deal with things. I have to stop shutting down when the going gets tough. Sometimes the going just wants you to fight back a little. Sometimes you have to stand up and say "this sucks and fuck you, I'm better than that shit". or maybe its as simple as "no I don't think its going to be that way today". I need to buck up sometimes, and sometimes I need to know when to stop bucking.
My future. I dont know. I don't really want to know. I want to keep trying to be happy. I want to get by. I want to say thank you to those people who have shaped me and molded me and loved me. Even the people who won't ever talk to me again.
I can't say for sure what I will be in the future. It can either be bad or be good. But the future never comes does it? It's always tomorrow....or some such.
right?
posted at 2:48 AM
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March 02, 2001
My ears are starting to itch again...and my throat hurts....and i've just sneezed 15 times in a row.
Do you think I'm getting sick again?
Good lord. sick again! This is unacceptable.
posted at 1:39 PM
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