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May 31, 2001
"And it's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste"
That lyric gets me every time. I don't know why...goddamnit.
"And it's been awhile
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you"
that one too.. *deepsigh*
anyway
and i had to put those stupid periods in the last entry cos blogger didn't recognize my 'spaces'. jerk.
i need to be in new jersey. right now. just for one night.
i hope i'm not being foolish by saying so.
am i?
posted at 1:32 AM
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May 30, 2001
I just went to a Tigers game. It was pretty damn cool.
I haven't been to a baseball game since I was like 10 and I have never been to the new Comerica Park so...I figured, why not!
It was a bit strange, though, because it felt like my dad should have been there with me. It was still fun though.
The most fun part of the night was when I was trying to figure out how to keep score and I couldn't decipher the "code" that came with the program. You put a straight line for a single hit...an L for a two base hit ...up until you form a square (for a home run). Then you're supposed to put these numbers that correspond with a person on the field...say the short stop caught the ball and passed it to the first baseman. It should be written as - 6-1 or something like that. It was damn hard trying to figure it out, so i just wrote my own damn scores in there.
If they struck out, it was S.O.
If they hit, but it got caught it was X. Hit with a popfly is Xpop.
1st base was 1st...etc.
It makes more sense doesn't it?
Comerica Park isn't all bad either. Its actually really nice. We payed 8 bucks and got good seats. Bleacher seats, but they were right field between first and second base, pretty close to the grass. I called my dad and he was laughing at me cos I couldn't explain where it was. I was trying to tell him that i was horizontal to second base...
but he just laughed even harder.
here's my terible ascii art to show you where we were.
...............H.................
........................................... 3
1
...............................2
--------------------------------------------------------------
..........................................me
See, i was horizontal with 2nd.
DO you know what I mean?
anyway, i'm going to find food
posted at 11:47 PM
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May 28, 2001
GOOD FUCKING LORD!!
I MISSED THE FINALE OF VOYAGER AGAIN!!!!!
DAMNIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
posted at 2:02 AM
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Watching BattleDome.
Terrible. Terrible Terrible!
It is NO american gladiators.
So I saw "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" today. Good lord, this movie deserved every award that it won and more. I"m really interested in reading some technical reviews of this movie, so if anyone finds any let me know. It makes me want to kick everyone I see.
I am hungry but nothng sounds good at all. The only thing that sounds good is chocolate milk and I am too tired to go up and get some from the gas station.
*changes channel*
Perfect Drug is on MtvX. This video is fucking incredible. I love victorian themes, I love the whole "washed out in blue" color. And now Henry Rollins. Man alive, why does he have to be so damned sexy. I think its the whole "brain AND braun" thing. I don't like big bulky guys, but man alive there's something about good ol hank. I actually think its his brains. His poetry and writing kept me from some serious depression in college, that's for damn sure. He's just really really fucking smart.
Hehe. and now Paul Simon. Another man i just think is awesome. He's definately not in the 'to-do' list like my man Henry, but he's just hella cool. How can you hate Paul Simon?! Me and Julio down by the Schoolyard! You can't! Hating Paul Simon is against the constitution.
I've got a question. Why don't more boys wear pompadores anymore? And why do rockabilly guys only like rockabilly music? Why do people have to "fit" into one little niche?
I mean look at me, I go to goth bars, punk all out, love freeking indie/emo music, mod all out, i love 80s classic heavy metal and 70s southern rock, I love geeky sci-fi movies, I waited in line for star wars tickets, i love those stupid teenager-romance movies (think "down to you..." or any other freddy prinze jr. movie)
I don't fit into one niche. Why should i? I like too many different things. I don't wanna fit into one and people who do make me mad.
Why limit yourself? I think those people are missing out on SO much.
Oh well.
And my dad makes the words best pancakes. Just so you know.
posted at 1:20 AM
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May 26, 2001
So, the story of the sloth. I know you want to hear it. No one reads this anyway, so this is just going up for nostalgia's sake.
Sloth. We met a long time ago. Around 1990. We both used to post on the prodigy message boards. I used to go by The Fairy Queen. Oh yeah, real original I know. We used to post under this board called "Liquid Nitrogen". It was the nick of some guy that we used to chat with...and we'd post under the music boards too. Back in the day, that's how things went you know. You posted a note, waited a long time and then hopefully you got a response later that day. Its much like usenet, really. At any rate, we were writing back and forth, had a lot in common and stuff...and found out we didn't live that far from eachother. We'd write all the time, emails, letters etc.
Our letters rocked, too, boy. They had all sorts of fun stuff on the outside. We'd try to outdo eachother with pictures from fangoria, porn ads, etc. Most of the time, Sloth was worried that his stupid mailman was wacking off to my mail, cos he never seemed to get it. Or it was days after it was supposed to arrive.
So, we'd write, mostly shit about serial killers, which horror movie was supposed to come out and when we were gonna hang out. Silly highschool stuff...making fun of our teachers, you know "so and so is such a freak, she once told the class she put on nothing but saran wrap and peanut butter and met her husband at the door".
We wound up hanging out a lot, doing nothing much really...just driving around. I don't think we ever went to a movie together or anything. I know that he once came over with his friend Jay. Jay was scary, really. Unpredictable. I didn't trust him. I never told the Sloth that, because that was his friend, he was old enough to make his own decisions. I remember one time, Sloth and Jay came over, and Jay was wearing a sid and nancy t-shirt and a dog collar (back in the day, this was 'odd'...now with all you fucking hip hottopic kids its nothing, but back then...when it was all about j-crew and fucking preptastic preppy-ness it was 'odd') my dad threw a fit. He didn't want jay around.
"he was wearing a dog collar! What kind of boy wears a dog collar?!"
i laughed then and I laugh now thinking about it. Oh dads, just tryin to take care of their little girls.
(off story, which reminds me, Once i dated this asshole in highschool ...i stress once....he came to pick me up. i was 15 cos I couldn't drive and wasn't allowed to date 'alone', which means a friend had to go with me. Anyway, he came to pick me up and sat in the driveway and honked his horn. He didn't even come to the door to pick me up. My dad was all "hell no! You will not leave this house until he comes to the door" Oh being 15 I threw a fit, of course. But dad won out and I had to send my friend out there to tell him to come to the door. Anyway, what a piece of shit he was. The whole honking in the driveway thing should have warned me but I was young, what did I know. The date ended horribly, with me drunk on the living room floor of his condo, my friend locked in the bathroom...blah. anyway...sloth)
So, sloth and I hung out a lot more once I went to school. He didn't live that far away, that kind of thing. But, he dated this girl. This horrible mean girl. She was so mean to him and I felt so bad. But, I only knew it how things were when things were bad. I remember I called once, and man she answered the phone. She gave the phone to him and in the background I could hear shit flying around, her yelling like a crazyperson and poor Sloth in the middle of it. I didn't want to cause problems, but I didn't want to give our friendship up either. Anyway, we had to keep our friendship on the QT cos his girlfriend wanted NO part of me. In hindsight I think I was being a bit horrible, putting poor Sloth in that position...but, I was young, I cared about him. I didn't know how else to be.
College rolled on and Sloth and I were still incredibly close. He and I started to write Richard Ramierez, the "nightstalker" (the serial killer out in southern california). We kept in touch through letters still, which was always our strong point. He came up to school to see me a lot. We had a few nights of more than friendship too. Friend with benefits if you know what i mean, nudgenudge. Meanwhile, his girlfriend hated me more and more. (of course, I was the friend that used a lot of his time, without her...she was sad, she was lonely and she hated me for that...i see that now.)
Eventually the Sloth and the girl broke up. Things were great....I thought that maybe, I'd start dating the Sloth, try that out. But that never worked out either. He met a girl at his work so I met someone else. I met this new girl, she rocked. She was nice and she didn't care I was his friend. It was awesome. We still hung out, we still did everything we used to....
Then I met someone.
And I screwed up.
I wrote a letter to the Sloth that was ...hm...a bit on the inapropriate side, not perverse or disgusting but inappropriate if you're dating someone else. Well, that person found the letter...and got mad. I'm talkin M-A-D. jealous mad. With reason, really.
So, I was told that I shouldn't be continuing on my friendship with Sloth if I was going to be with this other person because it was more than obvious I had feelings for Sloth.
Yes, true, I agreed. I shouldn't be schlepping around with two boys. Even if one is with more history and friendship than the other. I have a history with this Sloth and though its a great history, it involved encouraged cheating on partners, etc. (we've both cheated on our partners for eachother, you understand). Any person would have felt nervous with this situation, I'm sure.
And I sold the Sloth out.
I know he's never forgiven me for that, but I felt that i made the right decision *at the time*.
I don't know where i'm goign with this or what else to say about it. That's the Sloth story.
I know I suck, and I know that he knows I suck. I guess that's all there is to say.
posted at 1:25 AM
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May 24, 2001
I am too sick to write the story of the sloth...
kleenex. I love them. I especially love the Cold Care Kleenex. Makes my nose all happy-dappy.
And guess what I missed the season finale of voyager. Fuck.
I just found out it'll be on again on sunday, so SUnday I wait.
I'm sittin here, 1:55am, thinking about things. Things about the past. Things about the future. At this moment I don't really care about anything and it feels great. I'm watchin Star Trek: The Next Generation, smoking a cigarette (though it sucks cos i'm sick), chattin with my friend nate, and most of all i can't think of a real reason why i hate a certian person.
and besides "The meaning of life" is on...:) you can't be unhappy when that's on
"would you like a mint, sir?"
"FUCK OFF I"M FULL!"
posted at 2:19 AM
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May 21, 2001
I am not sick.
I am not sick.
I am not sick..
I refuse to believe it.
There's a movie coming out called "ed gein".
I need to see it.
um, what else?
I'm registering for classes tomorrow.
I'm hungry.
I'm tired.
and hungry.
I will write the story of the Sloth tomorrow.
posted at 10:49 PM
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May 20, 2001
Did you catch weezer on SNL tonight?
I know all you indie/emo kids did.
I've gotta get me one of them Rivers. Talk about ka-yute!
I'm so tired. So i'm sure you've checked out the picture page by now. Is the layout stupid? Do you want me to change it?
And yes, I am aware that no one has the same resolution on their computer as I do. I need to figure out the javascript so that it automatically resizes the page to fit your computer.
I am working on this, yes.
Did I mention that I'm TIRED?!
I'm going to go see the mummy 2 with my dad tomorrow. I am very excited.
Babies that are 3 months old and less are so damn cute. But once they start runnin around and tryin to talk...they lose their cuteness...and turn into minions of the devil.
It reminds me of that time when we were in the petstore staring at the dogs and you said offhandedly "and when we have our son, Nigel, we'll..." do whatever. I can't remember what came after that. I just wanted to grab a hold of you and kiss you forever. You were embarassed after that, thinking I might take offense ....but I thought it was the greatest thing in the world.
I wonder what you did with that letter i wrote you. The one you read in the coffee shop in borders. The one that brought tears to your eyes. You've thrown it away by now I'm sure.
You're online now. Should I even bother?
I always get depressed when I'm sleepy. *sigh*
posted at 3:59 AM
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May 19, 2001
My dad is in great health, all things considered. He'll be fine. Yay!
song for the day "How will I laugh tomorrow (when I can't even smile today) *heavy emotion mix* - Suicidal Tendencies.
I'm back on my cholo kick.
Gimme a pair of chinos, a wife beater, a plaid shirt buttoned up at the top and a bandanna tied around the forehead any day
*droolydrool*
posted at 12:01 AM
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May 17, 2001
I have to take my dad to the doctors tomorrow. Its going to be the visit that tell him that he can start doing things again. They're going to take x-rays and more tests, and then he'll be all good. Right?
I had a dream last night of you . Jackass. Isn't it bad enough that you fuck my entire life up and down but now you've gotta fuck with me in my dreams?
I hate you. I love you. That's the paradox, isn't it?
posted at 11:02 PM
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May 16, 2001
again, i post a long message and its eaten by blogger.
i'm irritated.
i'm missing you like crazy and i'm an idiot.
I want to write about it, but I'm not feeling good anymore.
I'll write later, I suppose.
posted at 11:59 PM
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Wow, your inner rock star is Bjork. You've charmed the world with your beautiful, zany, personal style. To say you're a member of the alternative set would be a gross understatement. You and Bjork define alternative in its purest form. You've got nothing to prove, it's your remarkably creative point of view that lets you make art from anything—art, music, politics—whatever makes you passionate. It's just who you are. You've got the courage to experiment with your style and career, and all the while remaining positively sweet and humble. You are as much a free spirit as they come. Celebrate your inner Bjork.
posted at 7:51 PM
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Percentage Accuracy : 100%
Percentage Inaccuracy : 0%
Characters per minute : 451 cpm
Characters per second : 7 cps
Words per minute : 83 wpm
Words per second : 1 wps
Total Speed status : Too Good
Overall Accuracy : Absolutely Spot on
taken from Online Typing Test
posted at 1:49 AM
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I'm tired.
But you'll be pleased to know that I've managed to go to school today and all is well. I've reregistered for classes and am possibly going to take some this summer. I'm just going to take some bullshit classes to up my gpa so that it'll look better when I go to get my Ph.D.
Probably take an intro to math course sometime soon too, so I can get that fucking math class out of the way.
Fucking Eastern.
But I'm excited. I'm tired of being angry at the school. I think the thing I'm most excited about is that I'm doing it and then that'll mean my Ph.D is that much closer.
The funniest thing is that I know I'm doing this because everyone doesn't think I can.
So now i'm feeling guilty. I haven't called my dad in two days. My mom kind of wants me to go out there to see him, fix him lunch and make sure he's okay. That kind of stuff. I have been so busy for the past two days that I just can't. I feel so bad. I should be there for my dad. I'm gonna try to go out there tomorrow, and I will definately be there on Thursday to drive him to the doctors. *sigh*
I was reading this girls journal. (edited out)
anyway...
now to get going with my resumes. damnit.
i needs to be makin dolla billz ya'll.
peace out.
posted at 1:43 AM
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May 14, 2001
I wrote a big long entry last night. Apparently Blogger has eaten it. Oh well.
My dad is home okay. The worst of it is, he's bored. So i took him over a bunch of movies and some computer games to keep him occupied.
My allergy test went okay. they stuck 48 needles in my back.
and 12 in my arm
Turns out, i'm allergic to mold and feathers.
How odd.
I'm moody now.
I'll write more later.
posted at 11:35 PM
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May 05, 2001
Well, they've decided to keep my dad one more day for 'observation'. He's doing fine, they just want to make sure he's tip top before heading home.
No worries, there.
Its 2:30...i'm tired. I refuse to go to sleep. I don't know why I don't want to sleep but I don't. I want to sit here and watch battle bots...
I spent a lot of money today...yet I want to spend more. I want to spend spend spend.
I want to buy a lot of stuff.
Buy More! Get More! Succumb to the evil demon that is consumerism!
I can't help it.
I'm going to quit smoking in a little bit. I don't want to go through what my dad is right now.
No more battle bots. I've turned it. I can only stand so much, I've found. But now thankfully "house of wax" is on. I was thinking of spending 200 dollars on a vincent price autographed picture AND a check that he signed.
How cool is that.
Its cool if you've got like a million dollars to just blow.
I unfortunately don't.
So ...a special someone (and i use this term very loosely) has signed onto IM. Should I bother him yet a second time and make him log off? Should I make his day extremely uncomfortable? Just thinking about it is making my poor jaw hurt. I think I will. It is, after all, his birthday.
heh.
Ok, i've sent the message. How long until he logs off.
HAHAH. not even a minute.
I want to laugh and I want to cry.
So i've discovered...I'm a procrastinator.
This may come as a shock to you, I know...but really, I am.
I've been meaning to go up to Eastern for like, oh, 6 months now.
But really, I'm going to go up there this coming up week and get my shit together with summer semester.
I think the reason I'm so gung-ho on this now is because no one fucking believes me when I say I want to go to grad school and get my freeking Ph.D.
Fuckers.
They all roll their eyes and say "yeah, good idea". They do everything but pat me on my cute little head. So damnit I'm going to do it.
I don't care if i have to live in Pittsburg for 2 freeking years.
They all acted the same way when I said I was going to grow my hair long.
You see, I've never had long hair. Not since I was 5. Its always been chin length or various other lengths above my shoulders.
So, when I declaired "i'm doing it. i'm getting long hair"
Everyone smiled politely and said "yes that will be nice", patted me on the head and went about their merry way.
Well, what are they saying now?
"holy shit i never thought you could do it. your hair is so long! Its so great! Blah blah blah"
Ha. I did it just to spite them....
I need that kind of motiviation I think.
SO now they're all saying "sure, you'll be a Ph.D...yeah go on to teach film students something interesting for a change. Yeah yeah, i can see you as a teacher sure!" *pat pat*. Ha. what will they be saying when i'm a fucking DOCTOR?
Dr. am
heh. in your face, flanders!
posted at 2:44 AM
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May 03, 2001
So, My dad is going home tomorrow. I am glad. He's doing okay...
He had a heart attack and it was very mild. It turned out that he had 2 blocks in his artery leading to the heart. The doctors went in and opened those up and all is well. I'm glad. He's going home and that's all I care about.
Of course he won't be working for the next 6 weeks which will be hell for him. BUT...he's going home. He's not going to have to be at the hospital any more and he's not going to have tubes going into his body and shots every two hours and blood drawn and heart monitors and beeps and whoops and a roommate that turns the tv off in the middle of the watching a show.
I am very happy.
So now, there's other things i'm going to focus my energy on. I'm possibly getting a job as a web/video producer. ...which should be fun. And what else? Oh i'm going to finish up at Eastern and go take that stupid GRE so i can go get my Ph.D.
Yay!
I had a dream last night about people from my past. It was sad. I don't exactly remember what happened in the dream but I know that something significant happened. I woke up with a profound feeling of loss. It was terrible. I missed "them" so badly. But now, I'm feeling...empty? Like they're gone from me now. I don't have to carry around the baggage of their departure anymore. I don't feel that "real life" loss any more. I don't even feel anything towards them. Its just gone.
I don't know if i should be sad about that or not.
With that said, Prince is on tv.
I don't know how i feel about this man. He's a fey little man, weighs about 90 pounds and he's smart as hell. His speaking voice is very calm and nice to listen to. I admire his musical ability (he can play any damn instrument that's out there). I admire his business quality.
But i can't stand it when he sings. That falsetto voice makes me want to poke my ears with a rusty screwdriver. I like watching him. He's the cuter, lighter sexier version of james brown...but damn. He opens his mouth and I just can't stand it.
"oowwwwwww! RAAAAAAAAAASPBERRY BERET!!!!!!!"
But I do like "when doves cry" and that damn purple rain song.
or that little niki song...But I think that's because I was never allowed to listen to Prince at all when I was young. Because "he just talks about sex..."
"this is what it sounds like when doves cry....HEEEEEEEE!"
posted at 11:42 PM
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May 02, 2001
update:
my dad had a heartattack.
there's nothing for me to say.
i am not happy.
posted at 2:19 AM
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So i had to rush to the hospital this evening.
My dad was sent in because of apparent heart problems. They weren't sure what was going on so they wanted to "run some tests".
He had some chest pain, and some minor arm pain (in the right arm) but nothing TOO painful or serious.
He said it was just acid reflux, but I think he knows better than that. Maybe he was just saying that for our benefit. So's not to worry n all.
Its hard to say, really. I had to be the strong one, there. My mom was the "concerned wife", my brother was the "very sad, overly concerned, stressed son" and i was the "make the jokes, relax everyone, pillar of strength daughter". They're running some tests tomorrow morning after they take a bunch more blood.
His blood pressure was way too high and they said that he might have to go on pills for the rest of his life.
My dad didn't want to do that. He asked if he could regulate his diet or somethign instead of having to take pills for the rest of his life...
to which the nurse responded "yeah if you want to cut out all caffene, cold cuts, canned veggies, all cheese, canned soups etc etc etc"
so my dad said "yeah so what you're saying is to go live in the woods with the squirrels"
hehe my dad cracks me up.
So more tests.
More tests and more tests.
And i'll know for sure what's going on tomorrow morning.
I hate waiting
And even though i'm the stupid pillar of strength, it still kills me to see my dad lying there with hoses and beeps and pads and oxygen and iv's and blood holes and...
it just makes you realize how fragile life is...and damnit one day i'm gonna lose my dad.
that just pisses me off.
posted at 12:41 AM
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May 01, 2001
Its too damn hot.
H-O-T.
There's something wrong, all this heat.
80 degrees in freeking april.
(heheh i wrote "degreets". that makes me laugh)
And now it is apparent I have allergies. I am not sure to what. I think its dust and perhaps cat. I will find out next week when I take the test. They will stick a thousand needles into my flesh and I will cry...and the area will become itchy like a mosquito bite.
It sounds like so much fun!
I cleaned the degu cage last night and nearly died. I had such an allergy-attack that I had to run outside so I could breathe. Perhaps I am allergic to them now as well.
I don't know, but it sucks having a constantly runny nose and swollen eyes and itchy ears and sneezing every minute or so.
Funny thing: My grandpa used to say "my nose is drifting." or "i've got a drifty nose" instead of "dripping".
He's AAAAAAAAASIAN. He's funny and I miss the shit out of him.
"i think it was an asian gang or something..."
posted at 7:27 PM
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